masturbation horror stories

"I had a sex"????

there's your problem right there.

Not a masturbation story as such, but I have a friend (no honestly, this isn’t one of those “I have a friend” stories that are really about yourself. I really do have a friend) who went backpacking around Europe a few years back. Anyway, him and his mate Paz ended up in Amsterdam, and after a few Mocca chocolates and a tad too many space cakes, Paz ended up seeking refuge between a local prostitute’s legs. The story goes that Paz told the woman he just wanted straight sex, so upon hearing this she told him to part with his cash and his trousers. After much fumbling, Paz freed himself of both items ready to be relieved by Madam Helga. Lay starkers on the bed, Paz closed his eyes and waited the warm embrace of her cervix. However, after a couple of minutes no cervix was to be felt, instead the synthetic feel of latex took a hold of his member. A condom he thought, but it was too damn heavy to be such a thing. He finally opened his eyes once the object that was wrapped around his tallywaker began to vibrate. It seems in some boudoirs in the red light district of Amsterdam, they use a device on a man (similar to a fake vagina), which does most of the hard work. He had the thing on for four minutes before she took it off, placed a condom on, and mounted him, by which time his testicles were tighter than a nun’s chuff. It took him a further 30 seconds to reach the point where his eyes became permanently crossed. The very next day, my friend told me Paz spent most of the morning searching every sex shop within a mile radius of the brothel he attended that previous night for one of those vibrating pumps.

One time, I had a whole day to sit around and do whatever I wanted. so I thought I would get a little adventurous with it, and play a game called: let's-see-how-many-hours-strait-I-can-stay-hard. By hour three I didn't want to play anymore, so it was time to wrap things up. I'm sitting on the couch, and when it goes, it's like somebody turned on a spigget. the shit goes everywhere. the back of the couch, behind the couch! everywhere. including a perfect shot right into my mouth, thank you. to be honest, I was almost too amazed by what I'd done to be THAT grossed out. although I won't be doing that ever again.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Pooka [/i]
[B]Not a masturbation story as such, but I have a friend (no honestly, this isn’t one of those “I have a friend” stories that are really about yourself. I really do have a friend) who went backpacking around Europe a few years back. Anyway, him and his mate Paz ended up in Amsterdam, and after a few Mocca chocolates and a tad too many space cakes, Paz ended up seeking refuge between a local prostitute’s legs. The story goes that Paz told the woman he just wanted straight sex, so upon hearing this she told him to part with his cash and his trousers. After much fumbling, Paz freed himself of both items ready to be relieved by Madam Helga. Lay starkers on the bed, Paz closed his eyes and waited the warm embrace of her cervix. However, after a couple of minutes no cervix was to be felt, instead the synthetic feel of latex took a hold of his member. A condom he thought, but it was too damn heavy to be such a thing. He finally opened his eyes once the object that was wrapped around his tallywaker began to vibrate. It seems in some boudoirs in the red light district of Amsterdam, they use a device on a man (similar to a fake vagina), which does most of the hard work. He had the thing on for four minutes before she took it off, placed a condom on, and mounted him, by which time his testicles were tighter than a nun’s chuff. It took him a further 30 seconds to reach the point where his eyes became permanently crossed. The very next day, my friend told me Paz spent most of the morning searching every sex shop within a mile radius of the brothel he attended that previous night for one of those vibrating pumps. [/B][/QUOTE]

that's awesome. did he find one? if guys could have vibrators the world would probably be a better place.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by insomnomaniac [/i]
[B]that's awesome. did he find one? if guys could have vibrators the world would probably be a better place. [/B][/QUOTE]

Nar. He did however buy a industrial size tub of Motion Lotion and a cock ring...What a Christmas that was!...but thats another story.

no shit! I bore an inner most secret to these fuckers, thinking that my openness would prompt more people to tell their stories. I guess people are really ashamed or something.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by matt e burdette [/i]
[B]another time i tried to see how many times i could jack off in a day..i lost count at around 8, then shot a blank on my last one. [/B][/QUOTE]

argh. the dry heaves. I don't even know what to say about them, except that's pretty much what they are, aren't they? they are to an orgasm what dry heaving is to puking.

Hmm... I don't think I have a horror story. But I did enjoy reading everybody elses, lol. Umm, maybe the time in the shower that I just couldn't finish it... I was so turned on, but nothing was happening and I was getting desperate. So I used a back- scrubber (the flat side of it) lol... and now every time I look at it... well, let's just say it's tainted and I hope nobody uses it. It got the job done though.

-Anesthetized

9.10.84 - Your story has to be one of the funniest things I've read in awhile. Thank you.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by DecoyRobot [/i]
[B]9.10.84 - Your story has to be one of the funniest things I've read in awhile. Thank you. [/B][/QUOTE]

oh I got horror stories for sure. that one was just one that I thought people might get a kick out of.

come on now. you share.

Well see I don't really have any. Sure, a babysitter came in while I was watching a porn but that barely counts.

How about more of yours?

That's boarder-line erotic.

Aww.
I'm almost upset I don't have any of these stories...
But, *best Fight Club group leader voice*, thank-you all for sharing...

Damn that sucks. Personally I have no horror stories about masterbation, I'm very careful about when and where I do that...

i remember when i first learned to masturbate (12 or 13) i would use shampoo or soap for help and i'd get these hideous, painful rashes that peeled and itched. it was torture not to scratch in public. somewhere down the line i figured out how to do it without slippery assistance and i've been rash free ever since.

i don't think anything could scare me, sexually. everyone i know has seen my cock. most cause when i was a kid i always feel asleep with it out, now i have issues about that.

My friend's girlfriend decided to fuck with him once and so she ordered that he not masturbate for a month. Now the thing with him is that he either simply [I]can't[/I] climax, or he needs to about half a dozen times per day in cohesion with cold showers. It's never in between and usually fluctuates every month or so. In any case, it was one of the latter months so not masturbating for a month was roughly the equivolent of Nazi torture. About 2 weeks in, he and I were hanging out, watching one of the older Bond movies on TNN. Also notable about my friend is that he gets extraordinarily turned on when chicks go anywhere near one of his ears. Well, on tv, Bond is with a chick as usual and the first place she goes, is no place else but Bond's ear. I turn to look and he's got that scrunched up look on his face that says "Shit". Well, one thing led to another and eventually I was forced to bludgeon his penis with a TV remote. [I]Three[/I] times. He wasn't so horny after that. Unfortuantely, he never made it the full month. He gave in one week later.

Hey, he [I]asked[/I] me to, that's the best part.

[QUOTE=big S]i remember when i first learned to masturbate (12 or 13) i would use shampoo or soap for help and i'd get these hideous, painful rashes that peeled and itched. it was torture not to scratch in public. somewhere down the line i figured out how to do it without slippery assistance and i've been rash free ever since.[/QUOTE]
i did that, too. only once though. didn't take more than that for me to find alternative means. heh.

I remember once, my parents had just left for the grocery, and I snaked a porno from my dad's stash. I'd just pressed play, and gotten my pants off, when my mom walked in because she had forgotten something. I stopped the tape and ran into the bathroom, but it was already too late. After that day, my parents kept their door locked. I'd like to say we never spoke of it again, but my dad is the type to not let you forget something like that. I got teased for years. And I got much more careful after that day also.

[QUOTE=insomnomaniac]"I had a sex"????

there's your problem right there.[/QUOTE]
LOL

That's the first thing I thought.

[QUOTE=hoipolloi]
I remember once, my parents had just left for the grocery, and I snaked a porno from my dad's stash.[/QUOTE]
There's something really not right about jerking off to the same stuff as your daddy.

Maybe I'm easily amused, but I can't stop laughing at the fact there's a website called "Masturbation Horror!" *sniggers*

[QUOTE=SnowWhite]There's something really not right about jerking off to the same stuff as your daddy.[/QUOTE]

My 'daddy'? Go sit in the corner, you're in time out.

Is that what he told you?

I have a couple.

The first vibrator I ever bought I didn't realize that a.) trimming my pubes and b.) using a little lube might be a good idea. While I enjoyed myself I chafed my poor labia minora rather badly and had to wear boxer shorts for awhile.

Story #2.

After the former incident and at a time when I was broke and hard up I thought it'd be a good idea to not only shave all my pubies off (hadn't ever done it before) but then bask in the smoothness by giving myself a little love. I did remember the lube this time but instead of just going and buying some KY or something I used my hand lotion for a little lube. Very bad idea my whole crotch was very irritated and I had to go to the gyno and tell her what I'd been up to.

Thankfully my skin is now happily fuzzy and I've learned to just spend the six bucks and get the KY.

[QUOTE=WeeBeasty]Thankfully my skin is now happily fuzzy and I've learned to just spend the six bucks and get the KY.[/QUOTE]
sexy and extravagent spending habits
im in love

[QUOTE=SnowWhite]Is that what he told you?[/QUOTE]

You know it. Because I can't think for myself. They said I got the retardo disease. SAVE THE RETARDOS!! Won't you help?

[QUOTE=karbunkle]sexy and extravagent spending habits
im in love ;)[/QUOTE]
Well since you're in love and everything does that mean you'll be supplying the money for said spending habits? Although if the warming KY jellycomes up I'm afraid I'd have to kick you on principle.

[b]your[/b] the one with the extravagant spending habits , dropping six buh on some kentucky jelly

i needs a sugar momma ! heh heh heh

Awww dudes.... these are the funniest stories I've ever read....

Unfortunately (or, fortunately) I don't have any of these stories.... I'm very careful.

[QUOTE=RWP]Awww dudes.... these are the funniest stories I've ever read....

Unfortunately (or, fortunately) I don't have any of these stories.... I'm very careful.[/QUOTE]
aw, man, just make it up. who's gonna know? heh

[QUOTE=RWP]Awww dudes.... these are the funniest stories I've ever read....

Unfortunately (or, fortunately) I don't have any of these stories.... I'm very careful.[/QUOTE]

Describe the "very careful" part, that would probably be at least as funny. Do you put a little crash helmet on the tip or something?

funny shit... by the way that masturbation horror stories shit has some disgusting stuff... check it out...i like to use pinecones and golfclubs as dildos

Well we all know there are some sick fuckers at the Cult and this thread has just reaffirmed everything I suspected. This is just as interesting as the Emporer thread. I don't have any stories, other than the classic mom/dad/sister/brother/dog walking in. I feel bad for some of you.

[QUOTE=NinjaGenuis37]Well we all know there are some sick fuckers at the Cult and this thread has just reaffirmed everything I suspected. This is just as interesting as the Emporer thread. I don't have any stories, other than the classic mom/dad/sister/brother/dog walking in. I feel bad for some of you.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I've been walked in on.

In high school I discovered that I could improve over my hand by lubing up the inside of a condom. But I was too embarassed to buy KY (don't ask me why, at 17, it's not embarassing to buy Trojans but it is to buy KY at the same time). And I knew vaseline was supposed to eat the rubber up, so I was afraid to use it. So, then Mom wants to know why I have, behind my bed, a stack of Playboy magazines, a box of rubbers, and a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. And what the stains on my sheets/mattress are (olive oil that leaked out of the rubbers). She couldn't quite come out and confront me about it, but she also couldn't quit ignore it. Not really horrible but awkward.

A chick I dated in high school had the best (short of a Guts type tale). She discovered her Mom's vibrator whens he was 12. She always washed it before and after, but her Mom walked in on her using the think, and the only thing she could think of to do was run, out of the house. Naked. Several blocks away her Mom pulled the car up and picked her up. That's pretty horrible. On the other hand, her Mom was cool enough about it to (after she'd gotten dressed) take her to the toy shop and get her her own vibrator.

I can't say that I've ever been walked in on during masturbating though there have been a number of close calls.

Well, I shouldn't say that that's the entire truth. My freshman year of high school I was going out with this girl and I was at her house. Her entire family was out and we started fooling around in the playroom, and there just happened to be a pool table. So we moved our whole operation to that, with her tied up, and proceeded to basically screw our brains out. Well, about twenty minutes into it I hear a door creak, the door of the room we're in. Now her father was an avid hunter and the first thing I saw when I looked up was a deer head with the shotgun that killed it mounted on a plaque on the opposite wall. Everything in my body, muscle, asshole, everything, clenched up right then. I'm thinking this is how I'm gonna die, a shotgun blast right up my ass. I look over and it's three of her best friends. A relief, but then the questions start flowing through my head. What do I do now? Keep going or stop and talk? Oh God, what are we going to talk about? Her friends left us alone to give us some time to finish up and afterwards we had a fun and frankly awkward conversation in the living room before I left, exiting through the sound of giggles.

I got to the point when dry rubbing was becoming blasé. I’d been through the usual cocktails of lotions and moisturisers found in the family bathroom cabinet, and now I needed something a little more “bone” a fide.
One day I went to the local super market and bought two uncooked chicken breast fillets, skin still intact. Back home I carefully ran a blunt knife between the breast flesh and the skin separating the two. After a few minutes I had in my hand two very jaundice looking sheets of skin, all bumpy and with little blonde hairs sprouting out. Being a virgin at the time, I had no frame of reference if what I was holding would really feel like the inside of a woman. I figured it must, a conclusion drawn from the fact my asshole was surrounded by skin. Happy enough to proceed, I quickly applied a little washing up liquid along the smooth veneer. I also figured a woman would be warm, I mean, I’d seen a couple of my dad’s porno’s and guys would say as much. So I stuck one of the pieces of chicken skin the microwave for a minute.
Man, when that microwave went “ding” I nearly creamed my pants there and then.

To this day, in some lights, you can still make out the burn marks around the shaft of my penis.

I'm so very afraid of you now, even if you did make that up.

it don't matter he might as well be from appalashia,(sic), he's a hillbilly what would sex anything, and clearly not a proper ENGLISH. good looking guy though!

[QUOTE=morey]it don't matter he might as well be from appalashia,(sic), he's a hillbilly what would sex anything, and clearly not a proper ENGLISH. good looking guy though![/QUOTE]
To me it just sounded like a story made up while watching American Pie after a few too many hits off a bong. I mean, if he'd heated the chicken hot enough to burn his pecker, it would have been too hot to handle with his hands. And where did the blond hairs come from? I've never seen blond-haired chicken in the store.

What frightens me most is how common all this kind of thing seems amongst you guys. Do all guys get up to this lark?

I've been walked in on a few times, nothing I really care about.

I guess the worst thing that comes to mind is that I was wackin' at my comp one day while my little brothers were upstairs, well I'm finishing, and right at the highlight, I peak around and my 3 year old little brother is sitting on the floor looking at me from with this creepy ass smile on his face. So I shove my cock in my pants and spit spluge in my new silk boxers..

It was so sick, I know he's gonna be some freak when he's older, I felt like I molested him or something. I didn't jerk for a while after that.

not too horrific.
wife likes to watch me jerk off sometimes when she can't do anything. i'm slowly pleasuring myself, and next thing i know her mom walked through the front door which is to the left of the bedroom door and the dumb ass old hag stood there frozen with her mouth wide open and eyes popping outta her head. problem is we didn't hear here come in for the first 2 seconds (long enough) until she finally gasped. she didn't jerk around to leave. i had to slowly pull a blanket over my head in embarressment and after she left, i and wife burst out laughing. couldn't look at the old bag for weeks without wanting to laugh. probably the first hard cock she'd seen for about 20 years.

[QUOTE=morey]it don't matter he might as well be from appalashia,(sic), he's a hillbilly what would sex anything, and clearly not a proper ENGLISH. good looking guy though![/QUOTE]
hey hey hey!!!!! only a special kinda idiot would do that. no good appalachian would have a micowave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you confused the spelling because some numbnut flatlander doesn't know how to pronounce appalachia correctly. for some reason they say ap-pa-lay-shee-a, when it is ap-a-la-chuh.
and yes he made it up. impossible to heat up in microwave burn your dick and not your hand too.

I've never been caught...close, but not yet.

My old roommate used to leave every other weekend to stay with his out of town girlfriend. I was single at the time, so I really anticipated the time to be alone. He left, so off to the adult video rental place I went. I always rent two titles, just in case one is not so hot. This particular time I rented a very femme lesbian DVD, and an all-out gonzo interracial DVD, title something like "Sexy Black Girls Fucking Hard White Cocks".
The lesbian DVD featured Asia Carrera, Jenteel, Janine, and a few other very sexy girls.
It sucked.
The other featured Dee, who is very nasty and sexy, she was in the second scene and wow, low and behold, another girl walked in and joined in...THREESOME. So I skipped past it, to save it for later. When I hit the skip button on the remote, the screen went completely black. All I could see was my reflection glaring back at me. Seeing myself with my pants around my ankles, remote in one hand, boner in the other, made me laugh so hard I lost my erection. It was too fucking funny.

From that point on, I masturbate completely nekkid. Much more comfortable that way anyway.

[QUOTE=vandamage]I've never been caught...close, but not yet.

My old roommate used to leave every other weekend to stay with his out of town girlfriend. I was single at the time, so I really anticipated the time to be alone. He left, so off to the adult video rental place I went. I always rent two titles, just in case one is not so hot. This particular time I rented a very femme lesbian DVD, and an all-out gonzo interracial DVD, title something like "Sexy Black Girls Fucking Hard White Cocks".
The lesbian DVD featured Asia Carrera, Jenteel, Janine, and a few other very sexy girls.
It sucked.
The other featured Dee, who is very nasty and sexy, she was in the second scene and wow, low and behold, another girl walked in and joined in...THREESOME. So I skipped past it, to save it for later. When I hit the skip button on the remote, the screen went completely black. All I could see was my reflection glaring back at me. Seeing myself with my pants around my ankles, remote in one hand, boner in the other, made me laugh so hard I lost my erection. It was too fucking funny.

From that point on, I masturbate completely nekkid. Much more comfortable that way anyway.[/QUOTE]
snickers.
what is that saying? a man who can't laugh when seeing himself in a mirror...........

Gawd this thread makes me hot...

Ok, not exactly a getting caught story, but still really funny. At a new years eve party last year, everybody was hammered, except for a few of us who had sobered up from drinking earlier. Everyone had decided to watch Pulp Fiction, and so there we all are, sprawled otu on couches and the floor. Im laying back with my girlfreind, and a pillow on my lap, and all of a sudden shes sliding her hand through my zipper and boxers. And she starts jerking me off, the slowest its ever been, in a room with all these people, while im messing around with her top shelf. Pulp Fiction is 2 hours and 34 minutes. It was the longets jerk off session i ever had. And i didnt even blow it. for two and a half fuckign hours i was being jerked off in a room full of twenty drunk tv possessed people, and no one noticed, not even my gasps. I went to the washroom to take care of business, but before i got to undo my pants, she had ended up in their with me. Appearenbtly after beating off for an extended period of time, you have a rather big load to give away. Id never seen a girl end up choking so bad.

GUEST: Why in God's name are you looking at masturbation stories about people you don't even know?

[QUOTE=Parkaboy]GUEST: Why in God's name are you looking at masturbation stories about people you don't even know?[/QUOTE]

Especially when you could be checking out the copious amounts of free pornography available on the internet.