Derek: an interview by Corellion

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[RIGHT][SIZE=1]Answers skillfully donated by [URL=http://chuckpalahniuk.net/community/member.php?u=25992]Barca Boy[/URL]
Pictures graciously provided by [URL=http://chuckpalahniuk.net/community/member.php?u=20080]Scerpica[/URL]
Hosted by the ever-humble [URL=http://chuckpalahniuk.net/community/member.php?u=24981]Corellion[/URL][/SIZE][/RIGHT]

[B]Hello Derek, thanks for doing this. Your mother had a recent fall, I meant to send a postcard but messed it up, apparantly she's well now? What was it like when you found her? What's the atmosphere like now she's out of hospital?[/B]

Finding my Mum that day was one of the most harrowing experiences I ever had. It was a normal Thursday and the back door of the house was left open. Mum always goes out to hang the washing or go to the store but I had a strange feeling and went out to check. I found her semi-conscious on the ground with blood coming from her head. I told her to try not to move while I ran to the front and told the girl in theshop to get help. I called a doctor and by then one of my neighbours had arrived. Thankfully she was a nurse years ago and took control of the situation. My Mum was in a bad way and I was in bits when I noticed blood coming from her ear. Everything else is much of a blur.
My Dad used to work 80 hours a week and now his health is suffering, I always thought that Dad was the more fragile one so seeing my mother like that shocked me to the core. She spent 4 days in Intensive Care and two weeks in the hospital.
Now she's home and things are slowly getting back to normal. She won't be back to work till Xmas but it's great having her around. Cujo, the little fecker, missed her and let us know by pissing on the floor a few times but even he is coming around now. It sunk in last week that things are getting back on track when we all satdown to watch the Barcelona match, my parents are just as big fans as me.

[B]How's the Spanish going? Is the idea of moving to Barcelona still on the go?[/B]

I tried to study Spanish at home but there are too many distractions. I will stick with it and do a course in the city in New Year. I want to learn it in a class situation and meet new people along the way. My plan to move there is still on, its just been delayed a bit. Im looking at moving there March 2008. I love the city and if I'm not happy there I won't be happy anywhere. Originally I wanted to work in a bookshop but now I'm leaning towards teaching English. I'm 28, it's about time I got just a little more ambitious.

[B]When was your last girlfriend? How enjoyable was the relationship, and how did it end?[/B]

My last relationship was 5 years ago. I was living in The Netherlands for 3 years by then. At the time I had serious issues with Alcohol and Cocaine. I thought a good girl would sort me out. I was a shallow bastard, this girl came into the pub I worked in for a while but I never noticed her until she dyed her hair blond. One night I was smashed and we got talking, we had a lot in common and although I was a mess she enjoyed my company.
Her name was Hana. Tall, thin and blond, she gave my gay friend a hard on. She worked in a chemist down the road and did a bit of modelling as well. We arranged a date and it snowballed from there. Within a week we were going out and everything was perfect. I loved being around her and I was starting to enjoy life a bit more. We went for lunch, dinner and the cinema a lot but as soon as she was out of sight I was back drinking and doing lines of Coke at every opportunity. When the honeymoon period wore off the cracks started appearing in our relationship. I got more insecure and she started to show her arrogance. I wasn't a bad person but I was a mess. We had a huge argument one night and she ended up returning to the Czech Republic. I was gutted and made two 14 hour trips there to try and patch things up. A few months later she returned and we decided to give it another go. In the meantime my addictions were getting steadily worse. I was having mood swings and suicide was always on my mind. I needed Rehab and not a girlfriend.
We were together a few months and she went home for Xmas. We planned on spending the New Year in Ireland together. The first night in Ireland I knew there was something wrong and when we were alone she told me that she was sleeping with her ex while at home. I was gutted but still wanted to stay together. From then on it was never going to work out and a few minutes into the New Year we had a final bust up and it was over. The following day she returned to the Netherlands and I stayed in Ireland. I drank constantly for 3 months and after a failed suicide attempt ended up in Rehab. The rest is history.

[B]If you had to spend a year on a desert Island with eight other culties, and no more or less, who would those culties be. Other than myself, of course.[/B]

Picking and choosing is tough and doesn't reflect my favourite Culties so here's out off the top of my head. First I'm going to have to pick my 3 fellow Europeans and the first people I got to know at The Cult;

Franc Tireur and Scerpica. These two go together like Peanut Butter and Jelly. It would be too cruel to seperate them. Both are stand up people I wouldn't mind being stranded with.

Jeanne-Helene: Would only come along if it was Craggy Island but would she survive without her Playstation?

After all them Europeans....

Smartazboy: Every island needs an authority figure and Frank's the man. We could be roomies!

Just to keep Frank in his place I would bring along...

Synnove and Bess: Are there two sweeter Culties? I dont think so. Both are mothers so they could mind us on our bad days.

And to stir it up...

Morey: Before I die I want to go on a binge with Morey. We could make up some tropical acohol like that piss Malibu and tear the island up.

Two more, I know that's one too many but I could sit on someones knee....

Jane S and Moonie: Once I got over my fear of people with high post counts I realised how great these two are. Two smashing women that would be welcome on any island.

I could go all day listing more but I won't.

[B]Phil asked me a question in my interview with him, and I want to pass something similar along. So what kind of honest advice would you give to a young girl, much younger than you perhaps, that was crying in your sweetshop. She of course has the fear of being unnattractive, on whether she's supposed to put out for a boy, she doesn't know who to trust or why, and she's confiding in you. What would you say?[/B]

Part of me would be hurt for the little girl but another part would say, Hey get over it, you're young and if you forget to take the pill he might have to marry you! I know it's tough being a teenager now and that they all can't be like Levi and Adelheid but kids need to be kids and leave all the stress for after you drop out of college. Until then enjoy yourselves.

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[B]What's an average night out with Derek like then? How would it compare to the pre-rehab Derek?[/B]

Post Rehab: I love coffee and dinner. My friends are very considerate that I may not want to spend hours in a bar for a night out so we usually go for dinner before heading to the pub. I don't go clubbing that much anymore, too many people falling around the place and all the hassle that goes with it.

Pre Rehab: I used to work the early shift in the bar on Saturdays, I would tend the bar and have a few sneaky drinks. When work was over I would have a nap and get ready to go clubbing in nearby Belgium. It was the only night of the week you were guaranteed to see me tidied up. Hitting the club I would swap alcohol for Extacy and spend the night hugging people and talking shit. Since I had the keys to the bar we would often go back about 6am and settle ourselves with some drinks. It was great but like everything it soon got old and I would often go out everynight of the week. Something had to give and in the end I was relieved.

[B]How many packs a day at the moment?[/B]

AGH! I'm on a pack a day now and I never really smoke them down to the end. I just grab a quick smoke while the shop is quiet. I lasted 3 weeks earlier this year and I've made numerous attempts. The best time for me to quit would be when setting off on a trip. All them buses, airports and trains have got anti-smoking so I'm gearing up for another attempt soon. I've read Allen Carr's [I]How To Quit Smoking[/I] book so many times I almost have it off by heart like them biblethumpers. I am so going to do it this year FACT.

[B]Beyond football matches do you go to events much? Comedy gigs, band concerts?[/B]

I would love to go to more varied events but in my town there is not much to do. The Cinema closed and also the Theatre. Sometimes I go to the city for some comedy events, I find comedian's ten times funnier when they are live. This past year I saw Psycho, The Green Mile and Misery all in the city theatre. Psycho was so bad it was funny, unless you are a pro I just can't see you doing a convincing Norman Bates. They couldn't find a blackman in the West of Ireland so Coffey from the Green Mile was played by a white local lad. I'm just happy going for a nice meal as long as the company is good.

[B]What are you hoping for in the next five years? Sexually, career-wise, economically, in any way, what're you looking forward to?[/B]

In the next 5 years I want to have moved and settled in Barcelona. I want to finally have a 40 hour week job doing something productive and be able to leave work out of my home. Owning my own bookshop or teaching English would be perfect. As far as women go I just want someone who appreciates who I am and where I've come from. A fellow booklover would be great. If she can't love me and my cat well then there's the door. I have to stop being so picky and choosey!

[B]Cujo. Where's the feline from, and will he be following you to Barcelona?[/B]

Cujo came along shortly after I hit rockbottom and emerged from Rehab. I was looking at rebuilding myself and took him in as a kind of project. I named him Cujo after the dog because he was so relentless and wouldnt take no for an answer. He knew we were going to look after him before I did. At the time he was skinny and miserable, just like me but not long after we both improved. now hes the boss of the house and always commands my attention. Unfortunately he wont be joining me in Barcelona. It would break my parents hearts if he was to go away. I love him to bits but it just wouldn't be fair. I will miss him and I wish he could email.

[B]Of course, this question was coming. What was it like meeting Chuck as well as Barbara and Ludwig?[/B]

Meeting Chuck and Barbara was the highlight of my year. Within minutes of arriving at the Hotel I walked past Chuck and nearly keeled over. My Mum had just rang me to say she was being let home from the hospital and then Pica arrived. Im a naturally nervous and insecure person so poor Pica had to put up with a jittery me. Thankfully Barbara is an easy person to be around and I even got to chat with Ludwig on the phone. I think it was appropriate that I got to meet one of these two first. We sat around and chatted mostly about the Cult, in the space of 2 hours I dont think Barbara had anything bad to say about anyone.
A few hours later it was time to meet Chuck. I have to say his best trait is one that I adore - modesty. He's one funny Fecker but also down to Earth. My nerves had reached a new height and I just sat there during the Interview nodding at what I thought were the right moments. We were the last interview of the day and even after he arrived late he gave us more than the alotted time. He sat back and chatted like we were old friends. He seemed delighted with my now infamous Barca Boy treats box. I had it packed with stuff but the picture of Cujo got all the attention.
After the reading we got to meet him again and he left us till last to spend more time with him. Thats when I got my books signed and also the UNDERPANTS! He also signed a Get Well card for my Mum. It wasnt until then that I turned to Barbara and said "You know what, I think my nerves are gone, I could get used to hanging around with you guys." All in all it was certainly worth the journey but next time I want Ludwig to come along.

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Is that not the best cunting interview [B]EVER[/B]?