Polyamoury

I knew someone in a polyamorus relationship. It was a lady I knew involved with a married couple. She loved the woman, but loved the man even more and always dreamed that one day he would be hers alone.

It's not my cup of tea, and I think mostly someone will always be hurt and left out. I'm sure it may work for a few people out there.

I have a friend who's completely submerged in the lifestyle. It takes a certain type of person to be in a successful, happy polyamorous relationship. But he manages it.

Zing!

Nothing about polyamoury seems sustainable to me unless all parties involved aren't actually in love. Jealousy seems like too great an emotion to overcome to be able to successfully share someone you love. It's such a paradox, but I don't want to judge anyone.

Freaking people are everywhere until you want to talk to one of them.

I find this subject really interesting too.

It's a shame Big Love went off the boil.

This subject I know lots about having been raised in Provo, Utah.

There's basically three types of poly relationships that I've seen: committed, part time, one-sided. Each one has their own perks, but they're all just as likely to colossally fail as a normal relationship. Heh

The committed relationship is what a lot of people think of when they think of a poly relationship: three (or more) people in a long term relationship together. It's a lot more complicated than a monogamous relationship because everyone has to account for everyone else's feelings in a relationship and have constant, open communication. It's hard to meet the needs of one person, now double that. The easiest way I've seen to maintain this is with a hierarchy, but even then it's needs to be clear to all parties involved.

That level of honesty and maturity is difficult for most people to handle with one person, much less two.

The part time poly is usually the most common. You'll have a couple who likes to 'add one to the mix' every once in a while. They may have a specific 'booty call' or two, or it may be random. A lot of potential for jealousy, especially if both parties aren't on the up and up.

One sided is where one party is 'allowed' to see other people/whatever while maintaining their primary relationship. It usually has it's own set of complex rules, sometimes the other person will not want to know anything about it, other times they'll want to watch (though not necessarily be involved).

Like any relationship, it's about honesty and realistic expectations. I don't think it's any better or worse than a 'normal' relationship. Even 'good' relationships don't seem to last too long as one of the people in the relationship will outgrow it and move on (either in a good or bad way, heh).

It's not for everyone, that's for sure. But it doesn't seem any better or worse than any other relationship I've seen.

The thing I can't wrap my mind around is how to overcome the feelings of jealousy from not having the committed attention of someone you're in love with. So, the poly folks here are big into having a primary relationship and then both parties have separate side relationships that have to be approved by the primary partner.

For example, you live with your girlfriend who's also got another boyfriend to fill certain needs that you can't.

But you've also got another girlfriend, who fulfills the needs your girlfriend isn't.

It seems like an overly complicated fuck buddy system to me, but for some people I know it works. They're not jealous (at least publicly) of the other's affections for someone else.

Yeah, it's seriously complicated. I try not to be judgmental about it. I've seen more bad examples (lying, manipulation, etc.) than good, but then again when I compare it to 'normal' relationships, it's no more or less fucked up. It just seems to be taboo and get more attention than 'normal' relationships.

It's not even (in theory) about just sex, but a lot of times that's what most relationships wind up being about. heh. Men and women have different expectations in relationship so, figuring out something that is agreeable to all parties all the time is tough. They usually have their ups and downs, just like any other relationship. It's just a balancing act. More often than not it's the imbalance (and/or deceit) that breaks things down and someone gets edged out one way or another.

Lying is usually a bigger problem than jealously, but the two often go hand in hand.

I can think of one or two friends who've had poly relationships that ended amicably. I've met more people who've had massive burnouts and tragic relationship collapses though and steer clear of the 'lifestyle' because of it.

Oh yeah, for the record: Polyamory is wrong! It should be multiamory or polyphilia, but mixing latin and greek roots? That's just wrong!

Cicero would be so upset.

My brother was inadvertently involved in a polyamorous relationship for a while, though I think he'd balk at that definiton. His longtime girlfriend of four years was making noise about wanting to move out of her hometown (she had only ever lived with her parents and my brother) and so as their relationship was (amicably) kind of on the wane, they threw another girl into the mix.

The real problem was, the second girl ended up becoming his next girlfriend, and the jealousy of the whole situation just ate her alive, even after girlfriend #1 was out of the picture and living in St. Paul. Having gone into the relationship with a different set of boundaries than what it eventually became just fucked with her head.

He says now that his relationship with girlfriend #1 was very successful, that it was a clean break, but I secretly disagree. It might have been fine for girlfriend #1, but the method of breakup was hell on girlfriend #2. There was no break, essentially, just issues revisited upon another person.

I remember when we took a family vacation to the beach, I checked his cell phone and she'd called eight times in one hour. Her jealousy and suspicion eventually drove a rift, which might never been an issue had he not tried to cram three people into a two-seat relationship.

My brother now chalks that breakup up to several different issues, all of which I think skirt around what really happened. But it's his life, not mine, and I think he learned his lesson. So who can say what happened.

One might mention Jules & Jim; but I prefer that one :

Polyamory lasts less than 4 minutes !

I am currently in a polyamourous relationship with all women.

I'm with Mckay on this. I don't really see how one can avoid jealousy in such a relationship. People say things like "I don't get jealous", but that's not really true. You can control how you react to the jealousy, but you can't deny it exists because it's an emotion. It's like saying you don't feel love, or something to that extent.

Even if you like the idea of polyamoury and you like the idea of having that type of relationship and you enjoy all its perks and advantages, you can't control how the other people involved in the relationship will feel. Most everyone says that polyamoury involves a different outlook on a relationship than a monogamous one, and I do agree with that. However, fundamentally you have the same issue that you have with any type of relationship (even friendships). And that is that not everyone is the same.

If people who are in a monogamous relationship get jealous and both parties have agreed to be completely monogamous, then you can't say that in a relationship where it's agreed that there won't be monogamy there will be no jealousy. Only because there's an agreement of how things are to be done. Grig broke it down into three types and in those three types of polyamoury there is plenty of room for jealousy, because people are people!

I'm not saying that I feel polyamourous people are more likely to have an unsuccessful relationship because of their lifestyle. I just think it's got the exact same potential as anything else to explode in your face. If two people can swear their allegiance to each other and end up bitter enemies, surely three or more people can enter into a happy relationship and have it work.

It's simply not for me and never will be. I get too jealous and have no issue admitting that!

its natural and a part of human nature.

Assuming MiggityMcWilly isn't Micah White's alter ego, there was a recent article about this on Adbusters: Is Polyamory Revolutionary?

This right here should answer pretty-much any questions you may have about poly relationships.

Also, I've known probably dozens of folks who were in open marriages or variations thereof. Every last one ended in a vicious divorce. Subsequently, I have a theory about this. There are two kinds of poly relationship; those that have crashed and burned and those that haven't yet.

But they are extremely fun when you the are one in the middle! What an ego boost to have two people love you so much that they are willing to set aside their differences and devote themselves to making you deliriously happy. Even though they hate each other. Passionately. Made for a lot of passion though.

I think Tuffy's right in that a polygamous relationship can never work out long term. Mine was destined to fail from the start, and my only defenses are that I was young, egotistical, had low self-esteem and was excited about the possibility of being happy. But I was ultimately adding a somewhat functional relationship into a completely dysfunctional one. I just didn't have the guts to do what it took to end the first one, and the second was fine with the situation, so why not? I kinda want to champion the cause, or at least say that it could have worked, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

The problem as I see it, is that people lie, even to themselves. They say they are comfortable with things they aren't, and they say they want things that they don't. I was naive in thinking that if I was open and honest that all parties would be.

You know what they say, "If something is too good to be true, it probably isn't." But hot damn, I think I would do it all over again if I had to choose between never and the same. Of course, a third option, any option would nullify that.

Upon further review, I guess I was in a polyamorous relationship for about three and a half weeks in 94. Hadn't thought of it that way. Wasn't meant to be long-term. Wasn't what we were thinking at the time, but kinda worked out like that. Best was it was an even number, so no one felt neglected.

I think everyone should try it at one point or another, if just to get their freak on.

When I wrote a paper about jealousy, I did some scientific research on this topic.
According to those articles, jealousy is a major issue to deal with. So couples or the culture they are in usually have specific rules about how to pick/approach and court extra partners and maintain relationship. Also, especially when it is a norm in the culture, such as polygamous marriages in some Islamic country, the long term relationship is possible. What is interesting is that men usually equate jealousy with excitement, but this is not always true for polyamorous female.