"I've never had lunch with a communist before..."

I didn't read any of that
did you say who you are or where you're from anywhere in it?

Maybe in Ohio!

oooOOOOooohh!

[QUOTE=jane s.;1075007]Maybe in Ohio!

oooOOOOooohh![/QUOTE]

Would that make sense if I read all that up there?

[QUOTE]I didn't read any of that [/QUOTE]

Why not? It's at least mildly entertaining bordering on somewhat cool. Is it a great work of literature? No. Is it cooler than most stale internet forum introductions? I hope so.

[QUOTE]did you say who you are or where you're from anywhere in it?[/QUOTE]

Ah. I see. you [I]wanted[/I] the bland informative internet message board intro. Here goes:

[B]Hai2u!

I r Zhavric lol!

30/m/Oh/USA

I r huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge chuck fan!11!!1!

I r technical riter. I spel gud.

I have interesting hobbies. I have traveled to intersting places. I know interesting people. [/B]

There. How's that?

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075169]Why not? It's at least mildly entertaining bordering on somewhat cool. Is it a great work of literature? No. Is it cooler than most stale internet forum introductions? I hope so.

Ah. I see. you [I]wanted[/I] the bland informative internet message board intro. Here goes:

[B]Hai2u!

I r Zhavric lol!

30/m/Oh/USA

I r huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge chuck fan!11!!1!

I r technical riter. I spel gud.

I have interesting hobbies. I have traveled to intersting places. I know interesting people. [/B]

There. How's that?[/QUOTE]

props!

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075169]Why not? It's at least mildly entertaining bordering on somewhat cool. Is it a great work of literature? No. Is it cooler than most stale internet forum introductions? I hope so.

[/QUOTE]

Better than most introductions? Yes.

Hi Zhavric.

A lot of us don't read long posts, i stopped when I read [I]the uncle[/I], and i realized it wasn't about you.

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1074992]A few years ago, my ex's uncle tried to start an international incident in a Wendy's.

This was before the screaming and then throwing of weighted breakable things and threats of restraining orders. Back when her uncle would give me the time of day.

If was a family outing that I'd been guilted into attending and it wasn't even a family I was a part of. The aunt had talked the uncle into hosting a Chinese professor. From China. Where they manufacture the Chinese. Off assembly lines. That's how the uncle described them. I think he was bitter Rush Lumbaugh hadn't been elected lord high chancellor of the universe.

His wife, the aunt, she was far more laid back and liberal. Opposites attract when they're diplomatic enough to put politics aside and focus on starting a family. She taught pinko tree hugging liberal propaganda at the local university. I have that on good authority from the uncle.

She's all smiles at the airport when the prof zombies his way off the plane. He perks up, but traveling half way around the world exacts a toll on a man. He wasn't at all prepared for the barrage of questions that came from the aunt that was actually one question. "Are you hungry? Do you want to go eat? Did they feed you on the plain? Where did you want to go eat? What sort of food are you hungry for?" Since she won't eat airline food, it never occured to her that other people can and do.

So there we are at Wendy's after many awkward moments of semi-understood exchanges between auntie and Chang (not his real name... just the one uncle gave to him). If you asked me why we decided on Wednesday, I'd likely cite part of the Geneva convention. It was the only thing everyone could compromise on. My ex and I, we're off at the next table hoping everyone will think of us as Switzerland.

The uncle, he hasn't said anything. Not a word to this Chinese professor. Nothing. He's been completely closed lip which has made the entire trip about as enjoyable as a nazi camp tour. My ex and I know, just [I]know[/I], he's going to say something. And he does.

The bastard actually waited for the prof to take his first bite of American Wendy's beef as though this was some great insult to Americans everywhere. Out of nowhere, he turns to his wife and says in a tone the people in the parking lot probably heard, "You know, I've never had lunch with a communist before." The word communist comes out like "pedophile" or "assassin of kittens".

Chinese professor has enough sense and English to see the trap. Or so he thought. Really, his only way out was to gnaw off a leg. The uncle wanted to see blood and squirming.

"I'm not a member of the communist party" he replies.

Now they get into it. Uncle is chastising professor because apparently the prof lacks the courage of his convictions. Clearly, he must be a [I]cowardly[/I] communist. The professor is going back at him telling him that he doesn't understand which isn't helping. The aunt is trying to play peacemaker and failing miserably. They restaurant has stopped eating. The wage slaves behind the counter are burning things. Everything within earshot is now spellbound by this cold war spectacle. This argument of philosophy and politics. It's a fist fight or food fight waiting to happen.

My ex? She gives me this [I]why is this [I]my [/I]family look[/I] and asks me a question quiet enough so that only I can hear.

"Have you read ever read Choke?"

Long story short, the Aunt turns NFL ref for about fifteen glorious seconds and saves me from having to pretend I'm choking to get them to stop arguing.

That day was the start of two things:

1) A long spiral of nasty arguments that ended with me splitting from my ex. I still can't believe she wanted me to actually choke myself to get them to shut up.

2) My love affair with Chuck. I've read nearly all of his work and had the pleasure of seeing him give a speech in Columbus, OH the last time he was here.

I'm Zhavric and I hope you found this entertaining.[/QUOTE]

I read it and enjoyed it. Im usually the hardest to please around here.

Hello and Welcome.

Give us more details about yourself.

It was about him, he was at the lunch! Hi Zhavric, welcome.

So you found this website after seeing Chuck P. on tour? Did you dress up in a wedding dress or anything like that?

It's actually been months since I saw Chuck in person. I kept meaning to start posting here, but I kept forgetting to. I finally decided to join up after reading Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis. If there hadn't been a thread about it, I'd have started one. I highly recommend it. If you like Chuck, you'll like Warren.

Things about me?

I have a Puff Puff Cigarette box on my desk at work from when I saw Chuck in Columbus. He asked for volunteers to hand out fake cigarettes. I was in the front row over to the left so I just walked up and he handed me the box. I have a cheesy picture on my myspace of Chuck pretending to punch me after he signed my copy of Rant. I wasn't one of the people wearing a wedding dress because I hadn't read rant at the time. The book signing line was pretty amazing that way: about half the people hadn't read the book and were wondering wtf was going on. The other half had read it and all of them were determined not to spoil the surprise.

Other things about me. I play a game called Morton's List which, had I thought of it at the time, I would have given a copy to Chuck at the signing. It's a book with 360 different fun random activities that you can play... all of which are [B]far[/B] more entertaining than sitting around wondering "What do you want to do?" "I don't know. What do [I]you[/I] want to do?" I'm buddies with the two authors remaining involved in the project.

By day, I'm a technical writer for a mortgage corporation. I can tell you everything [B]not[/B] to do with a home mortgage. I find Chuck's writing to be as hilarious as it is intelligent. I love his minimalist style (I get why he likes Amy Hempel's work so much).

I live in Columbus, OH, which is an awesome city that has a lot more going on than most people think.

I haven't written anything in ages, but need to start again. I'm hoping this is the first step on a much longer road.

. .

Well, you write well. very well. ive read five of your thicker posts so far. none of them lost me in any part. better written than most cultists. most, and myself included.

so.. welcome to the cult.

im hoping this first step brings you to the workshops in the new year--so many very cool changes are sweeping this site come january, and the workshops are going through a phenomenal transformation. a perfect time for new members to begin participating. i have a whole bunch of work to go up starting jan, it's going to fucking rock--my utterance of brilliance for the day.

so, welcome to the cult and i hope to see you there in a few months..
-kabol

.

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075169]Why not? It's at least mildly entertaining bordering on somewhat cool. Is it a great work of literature? No. Is it cooler than most stale internet forum introductions? I hope so.

Ah. I see. you [I]wanted[/I] the bland informative internet message board intro. Here goes:

[B]Hai2u!

I r Zhavric lol!

30/m/Oh/USA

I r huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge chuck fan!11!!1!

I r technical riter. I spel gud.

I have interesting hobbies. I have traveled to intersting places. I know interesting people. [/B]

There. How's that?[/QUOTE]

I read everything up till "I R" then stopped again.

Thank you for the compliment and the warm welcome. That's nice of you to say. I hope to stick around for a while and begin writing again.

Out of curiosity, does Chuck ever post on here? I got the impression from when I saw him in person that he reads it from time to time, but doesn't have time to participate a lot. Is that true?

[QUOTE=nathaniel parker;1075272]I read everything up till "I R" then stopped again.[/QUOTE]

My plan has worked perfectly. :scool:

welcome Z, kudos for telling an interesting story for your introduction - love your avatar, aeon flux was a fantastic show

good job

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075274]Thank you for the compliment and the warm welcome. That's nice of you to say. I hope to stick around for a while and begin writing again.

Out of curiosity, does Chuck ever post on here? I got the impression from when I saw him in person that he reads it from time to time, but doesn't have time to participate a lot. Is that true?[/QUOTE]

He contributed some monthly essays to the writer's workshop a couple years ago, but even then was not active in any other way. Generally, he stays away from here. He's convinced we are all Satanists or Intelligent Disigners or something equally ridiculous.

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075274]Thank you for the compliment and the warm welcome. That's nice of you to say. I hope to stick around for a while and begin writing again.

Out of curiosity, does Chuck ever post on here? I got the impression from when I saw him in person that he reads it from time to time, but doesn't have time to participate a lot. Is that true?[/QUOTE]

He was doing stuff for the workshops for two years there, between 04-05 but that's about all he's been involved.
There's actually quite a few known and less well-known artists and authors lurking about though.

[QUOTE=wickerkat;1075280]welcome Z, kudos for telling an interesting story for your introduction - love your avatar, aeon flux was a fantastic show

good job[/QUOTE]

Your post, sir, is full of [B]win[/B]. I salute you.

[QUOTE=marsjams13;1075281] He's convinced we are all Satanists or Intelligent Disigners or something equally ridiculous.[/QUOTE]

Are we? :eek:

[QUOTE=nathaniel parker;1075283]There's actually quite a few known and less well-known artists and authors lurking about though.[/QUOTE]

Cool. I look forward to reading their stuff. Can you name any of them off them? I'd like to check out their posts / work.

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075286]Are we? :eek:[/QUOTE]
i fall into the 'something equally ridiculous' category.

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075287]Cool. I look forward to reading their stuff. Can you name any of them off them? I'd like to check out their posts / work.[/QUOTE]

Monica Drake, Kristopher Young, and [URL=http://www.welcometothevelvet.com/index.php?]The Velvet's[/URL] authors, just to name a few. There are some other's too, pretty much anyone that has done a master's class. Also, some cultists are published like, jase, bradley sands. . . who else?

Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Question: I have an idea for an activity that's fun & helpful at a writing workshop / party. A game that involves stories. I'd like to explain how to play it, but it should be its own thread. Which forum should I put it in?

i remember that i about tripped the fuck out when will baer started posting here a few years ago.. if you find your way over to the velvet, if you click on his name link, you can fina several of his shorter works, including a novella and a play, most of which are from way back in his mfa days at the jack kerouac school for disembodied poetics in naparo..

for a taste, if your interested, here's one of the first shorts he ever sold, to bomb magazine back in 97, if i remember correctly:

[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/sufferthefool.php]suffer the fool[/URL]

craig clevenger comes around here from time to time. in fact, because of some of chuck's biggest fans and through this site, author craig clevenger got a pretty heavy boost in his book sales, and in turn with his fanfare for baer was able to not only get baer's third book published through his publisher but also get baer's first two back into print.

karen novak roamed around here for a while, and helped my writing quite a bit.

as for chuck, like clockwork, he submitted essays on minimalism writing every single month for two full years and answered Q&A sessions on writing through emails with dennis. i have a feeling he reads these threads from time to time, but he stopped actually participating in this community before i got here--and even before, his activity was minimal.

he does however meet with most authors prior to starting their intensive courses. he still has connectivity with this place, but this is a fan site--his official fan site--and it can take dangerous time away from writing and reading and touring. i dont anticipate that chuck would ever get directly involved in the site. but who knows.. with his type of output, i can see him someday offering a three month writing intensive here, for a class of one hundred students or more, after his book on writing is published.

if you have any questions about this place, ask them when you have them, either through new threads or via pms
-kabol

. .

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1075323]Question: I have an idea for an activity that's fun & helpful at a writing workshop / party. A game that involves stories. I'd like to explain how to play it, but it should be its own thread. Which forum should I put it in?[/QUOTE]
i imagine if it's short and just for fun, then in GD. but pretty much any writing assignments and exercises are stricly for the workshop forums

Hello and welcome!

Hope you stick around, you sound like you're in it for the writing, unlike lots of us that are in it for the laughs. Hope to run into you posting or whatever....

EDIT: Oh yeah, I did read your first post and it's among the top 5 intros.

Mine is first. Then I suppose Tyler12345.....

JKabol: Thanks for taking the time to point all that stuff out.

labelleza: Top five? Wow... no presure

[QUOTE=Zhavric;1076595]JKabol: Thanks for taking the time to point all that stuff out.

labelleza: Top five? Wow... no presure :)[/QUOTE]

you misspelled pressure. we cant be friends anymore.

just playen.