What did YOU find on the Internet today?
Most of these were probably not true, but you know... funny anyway.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
You know in all the years I've been here I've never been sigged?
I don't get it.
You obviously had lenient parents.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
is it something to do with blood? is he a vampire?
The meme is "High Expectations Asian Father"
Refer to:
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/high-expectations-asian-father
Si vis pacem, para bellum
That's the stereotype they are going for. At first I though it was a math joke calculating the probability that A and B intersect, but then I realized it was just a joke about grades.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
What did I find on the Internet today?
Something I thought I had lost forever.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Please Tuffy, be more cryptic. Somebody, somewhere might have a clue as to what you are talking about! And that would blow the whole "Man of Mystery" thing to shreds.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
He found his potency. The real world just isn't kinky enough.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
One of the best homemade Tool videos I have seen to date.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Also, this guy is amazing.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Something I thought I had lost forever.
your imagination?
{tuffy} Oh haha. Very funny, Six. {/tuffy}
This is adorable.
There is hope, but not for us.
This is hilarious in a very "soul-crushing depression" kinda way. Life after November is going to suck so bad...
Get on over to my website, young'un! www.subvertfromwithinrecords.blogspot.com
The song Fix You by Coldplay translated in Norwegian. I would like him to make an album with lots of translated songs, it's beautiful.
Danielle's just pissed because I wouldn't send her n00dz.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Aren't all the girls?
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Not me.
ha. jake's a girl!
Knew that already.
This is why we can't have nice things.
90's LOL.
You know in all the years I've been here I've never been sigged?
Someone tell Lady Gaga that this is how you make a video...
Never write anything you'd be willing to show your mother.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I can't watch it because i live in Australia. Awesome.
90's LOL.
Imagine all the shit going through his head in those 11 minutes before he finally said yes. Whoa!
Never write anything you'd be willing to show your mother.
How is copying a bunch of words a spelling test?
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Here's a picture of one, possibly scheming:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpg
I want to know more about this monkey.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Here's a picture of one, possibly scheming:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpg
I want to know more about this monkey.
The helper monkey's name is Baby. I'm unsure of the whereabouts of her former owner, and what exactly she is trained to do. The monkey house is divided up into individual runs that go into individual pens in an insulated, heated and watered building, so it's kind of like a really fancy kennel except there are little logs and climbing ropes and stuff. Anyway there are automatic feeders, kind of like those Lixit bottles they have for hamsters and rabbits and stuff except they're hooked up to the plumbing and are like tiny drinking fountains for monkeys.
Anyway, Baby will get water out of that, take her monkey biscuits and soak them in water so they plump up. So I'm pretty sure she can make a bowl of cereal.
Capuchin monkeys can figure out a cell phone but don't quite understand mirrors (they try to feed their reflection grapes sometimes) and baboons can figure out a combination lock, although I'm unsure if they understand the symbols for numbers and can memorize those numbers. Anyway, this is why we use two combination locks, which is something you think they'd also figure out.
With Baby there's no combination lock on the inside so she could, in theory, open it up and walk around but she doesn't. There's one on the outside because people like to ignore multiple signs and gates and like, poke zebras in the face.
One time I changed her towel to a different color towel and she got really mad. I gave the other Patas monkey a bumble plushie once:
And she was afraid of it. I also gave her a pink plush bunny which shed bring to show me whenever I fed her, and each time there would be more and more of it missing until there was only an ear.
That's pretty much it. Oh, and these guys can catch flies out of midair. It's neat.
Wide eyes, bared teeth. That's like the most threatening toy you could give a monkey. What were you thinking, man?
This is why we can't have nice things.
I want Spike's job more than all the other jobs.
You know in all the years I've been here I've never been sigged?
Me, too, except I'm pretty sure I'd get eaten by something.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Here's a picture of one, possibly scheming:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Patas_monkey.jpg
I want to know more about this monkey.
I also gave her a pink plush bunny which shed bring to show me whenever I fed her
That is freaking adorable.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Probably 'cause you'd be sticking your head in the tiger/lion/ligers mouths to see if they chewed their food properly or something.
How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Center Of Tuffy's Head....
This is why we can't have nice things.
Never write anything you'd be willing to show your mother.
so close to 500 posts and I kill the thread... 
Never write anything you'd be willing to show your mother.
nothing wrong with wikipedia links. Sometimes they're great for finding cool things out.
Like The Great Belzoni.
Oh, word. I found this one and now feel better about being a loser.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
I blame this on kids being told over and over again for, like, the past 25 years, that they are special and can do whatever they want.
The things I could have accomplished if only my parents hadn't believed in me. Never even hit me either, the deadbeats.
That's a good variation of my personal favorite:
Si vis pacem, para bellum