"there have been other instances of silliness"

what. the.

i have a whole stack of these from when I used to cashier at Safeway. (=When crazy people collect the letters of other crazy people.)

I remember she requested an escort for shopping so that "the people following her" wouldn't be able to spy on what she was buying (Hot Pockets, legal sized envelopes and tinfoil).

I'm pretty surprised that she felt comfortable speaking to me, as I too am paramilitary in demeanor and tactics.

Sometimes I just want your life...

You have a lot of strange excitement!

I swear I don't make this stuff up!

It just happens to me and at me and on me and in me.

(PRO MARKETING TIP: satanists buy lunchables; paranoid conspiracists buy hot pockets.)

THIS IS COPYWRITED, PEOPLE.

"the male he had been talking to peered into my eyes, a sure sign that a scam has been attempted"

Bank tellers have surreal conventions. Men in church are inept socially and dislike having their suits commented on. She name-checks Miss Manners and references Islamic law. CLEARLY SHE'S DONE HER HOMEWORK.

I had one letter than I cannot find, where she accused the local fraternity community of planting change (coinage) on the ground to tempt and baffle her so that they could look at her from their fraternity window and speak about her filthy theiving habits in hushed tones. They even went so far as to PURPOSEFULLY plant a TWO DOLLAR BILL in some MUD in the alley. But do you think she was so foolish as to take that money? DO YOU? If you said "yes" then you are part of the committee of 3 Americans that agents that deliberately "massaged" intelligence about Iraqi WMD's.

She will have NONE of your scams and CHARACTER ASSASSINATION FARCES....you have a GHETTO MENTALITY

This reminds of that guy Jimbo I used to work with. He never wrote all his things out though. I was the only one he would tell things to because everyone else made fun of him. I'm not really sure why he told me, because I'd make fun of him quite a bit too.
Some Jimbo stories:
The time he had dinner with the aliens
The time an angel/ghost told him that there was gold/money buried in his floor.
The time he won the Australian lottery and wanted me to go with him to collect it as his bodyguard.
The time He realized he was one of the "Chosen" people from Atlantis.
The time he decided a lion was roaming around his neighborhood/yard. (Which actually could have been true, as he lived right next to the zoo.)
The time he followed an alien home from work. (I forget what kind of car the alien was driving.)
The time a black helicopter landed on the roof of the house across from him and just sat there, watching, then left.

Then there was another guy when I first started working at the wiener factory. I had talked to him a few times and he confided in how the government was out to get him. But then one day some guys in suits showed up and took him away over some letter he had written to them.

Don't you wish you had that letter?

nah, all those types of letters are all the same. I wish I had written down all those Jimbo stories right after he had told them to me so that I could remember them better.
My favorite is still the finding gold in his floor. He said how he had gotten a metal detector and it buzzed over this one spot. And how he started prying up the floor and only found a couple nails and whatnot, and how he was afraid to pull up anymore of the floor because of the nice lady that lived below him. He lived on the second floor in an apartment!
I just kept getting this picture of him going all the way through the floor and into the woman's room and pulling out her jewelry or something and thinking how it was his treasure he had found!

they may seem all the same, but each person's brand of crazy is just a little different. you have to be a connoisseur of such things.

Any story that contains the phrase "when I first started working at the wiener factory" bears hearing in-full.

He wasn't there long enough for me to really get to full story on him. I don't even remember his name. Glen, maybe started with a G.
I think he might have been a little touched in the head anyways, because he worked in this little side room where they sliced bologna. Only they wouldn't let him anywhere near the slicer or any of the machines. He mostly just brought in all the supplies and film and whatnot they needed.
The one thing that does stick out to me is how "normal" he looked. He didn't dress all weird or anything, didn't have that cuckoo look in his eye. But was one of those people that go through the whole day and you don't think anything's wrong with them until he accidentally hears someone, three break room tables over, say just the wrong word that sets him off and he'd launch into this whole diatribe about the government with the people that hadn't even been talking to him.

He never seemed to get violent or anything with people. But I did get to talk with our HR rep and supervisor some and they made damn sure that whenever the FDA was coming in to check things out that he was scheduled off.

I find it more-than-slightly amusing that both Nate and I have been intimately familiar with weiners as both a lifestyle choice and a means of income.

I got a million pictures of the people I worked with there hanging out, drunk at the bar, but not one single picture of me in the actual plant!
I should have at least taken a picture of me walking out of a wall of dangling hot dogs!

I would give a lot to see that!

This remains the happiest thing ever.

I find it more-than-slightly amusing that both Nate and I have been intimately familiar with weiners as both a lifestyle choice and a means of income.

....

"Lifestyle choice"?

Do I ask, or just let the echoes fade?

Well, you could beat a delightfully ephemeral diss into bloody submission, or you could just let it dissolve on your soft palate like a stale communion wafer. Or you could just assume I meant the lifestyle choice part to apply to the one with the boobs...WHOEVER THAT MAY BE

You do need to have a certain level of comfort in your sexuality to be surrounded by wieners for 6 days a week.

I'm so medicated right now I haven't had any idea at all what we've been talking about for the last hour.

weiners are always a lifestyle choice

Nate: I can honestly say you are one of the most sexually confident creatures on God's green earth ....just from what I've observed over time. /sincere

in truth, this is always how it is with me. no medication required. it's like being immersed in a lewis carroll narrative without the whimsical etchings

it's a snap when you're so far removed from it!

Wall of dangling hot dogs was my nickname in high school.

Wieners require commitment.

and a brine shower.

And a coating of cornmeal batter.

When I looked up "corn dog" to find out exactly what it's coated with (the cornmeal batter. For some reason I always thought it was corn bread) I found this image:

NSFW http://www.todayifeel.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/corndog-tattoo.jpg

I should post this in the Manly thread.

So that's what you get when you fold that Land O' Lakes butter box. I always wondered what all the fuss was about.

I keep reading the thread title in Graham Chapman's voice as the General from those old Monty Python sketches.

simply brilliant.

Nate's on fire lately, too.

I must inspire him ; )

I just thought of too many things to say.

Sigged

lol

dammit. I clicked that shit right when my kid walked into the room. He said "why is there a boob? and why is there a corndog?" then walked away.

I'm too busy right now feeling like the worst parent ever to admit those were exactly my very questions.

tell him those are the pinnacles of human achievement.

It's never "Why is she dressed as an Indian?"

:disappoint:

nice "pinnacles".

Enclosed, please find a bill for $250,000 for damaging my sovereign property. This presentment is payable to me within 10 business days. This bill is non-negotiable. Kindly remit payment in the form of 10 (ten) US postal money orders in denominations of $25,000.00 (twenty five thousand US dollars) each, OR silver coinage.

If anyone's interested, here's the TL;DR version of the 40 page letter of batshit insanity.
The entire letter can be found in the gallery.

Curtis Got Slapped by a White Teacher!

You do!