Short Story Part Deux

I vote letter.

Letter it is.

Gonzo: You are extremely disgruntled with GE because your new Whirlpool dryer is melting all of your synthetic clothes. Since you are allergic to cotton and are running out of clothes, this is a problem.

That one was very dull because I don't know anything about Gonzo. I have really, really, good ones for Frank, Monkey, HC, and a bunch of other ones.

It's not March yet.

Yes, I know. I'm jumping the gun on purpose. March will have a different one.

Adelaide.Alexa wrote:

I might not be here in March! I don't want to miss it!

C'mon, it'll be fun.

do me!

Levi: You're a professor at an Ivy League school. Your estranged brother works in the kitchen at the cafeteria whom you are convinced is slowly poisoning your food but have no proof. Write a letter to the Dean to try and get him fired.

Sir, if you please...

HC: You're a Psych. major at school. You've seduced the past 5 professors and blackmailed them for grades. 3 of them were male. 1 was female. And the last one was 87 and in a wheel chair, also male. The school board has seen fit to expel you. Write a letter to the board justifying your actions as "Psychoanalytic surveying" and how you should not be expelled.

Hahahahahahahaa. Done.

i love it

Well, get everyone else's ass in here. I'm itching to give out some more.

when these due?

HC: You're a Psych. major at school. You've seduced the past 5 professors and blackmailed them for grades. 3 of them were male. 1 was female. And the last one was 87 and in a wheel chair, also male. The school board has seen fit to expel you. Write a letter to the board justifying your actions as "Psychoanalytic surveying" and how you should not be expelled.

Dear Members of the Board,

It has come to my attention that my means of obtaining passing marks has been called into question. You have so quickly placed a scarlet letter upon my breast for inappropriate behavior, but if I have learned anything at this fine institution, it is that no behavior is inappropriate; rather, it is simply misunderstood. To expel someone for their ability to manipulate and invade the mental sanctity of your professors, of these people you have deemed so capable of teaching us how to understand the human psyche, is preposterous. Is learning this ability not the very reason we as students are here? To understand and ply the malleable minds of those that seek us out in their time of need?
I ask you, have those professors complained about the quality or type of attention they received from me? Was it not what they needed or wanted? If these professors were my patients, I would understand your horror. But they were simply people in need of something I could provide, and they, in turn, provided me with knowledge and the satisfaction of my curiosity. Where you would don a three piece suit and supply a leather couch, I donned latex and supplied a zippered leather face mask. Where you would use medication, I used confidence. Where you would employ hashing over childhood memories, I flaunted present success. Where you would try and force retirement, I invigorated with vitality.
With Professor Callahan, I let him establish a sense of dominance, and resultantly, his students have given him nothing but respect, where previously, he received nothing but derision and apathy. Professor Ellis’s wife, also the Dean of Admission’s daughter, is no longer filing for divorce, as he has shown a marked increase in sexual confidence, the lack thereof being her chief complaint. This is saving you the hassle of a lawsuit, as well as the daunting task of removing a tenured professor from a renowned university. Professor Aguilar and Professor Hutchinson have both coped with issues of childhood abuse, and as a result, they both have concluded that it is possible to be attractive in the eyes a woman, and to have a healthy adult relationship. Once a relationship of trust was born between us, Professor Hutchinson gained the confidence to not only come out to me, but to you, the board, her students and the public. This has not only increased your financial support from the gay and lesbian community, but your support from the liberal community as well. Professor Connelly has been given motivation and drive, where he had nothing but the end of a career to look forward to before. Resultantly, these professors have not only increased work productivity, but their students have collectively raised their grades as a result of your staff's renewed efforts.
In conclusion, gentlemen, I think that many of you are threatening expulsion because of what you imagine I would be willing to do to prevent it. My answer is absolutely nothing, at least in physical regards to your persons. I have studied the prescribed course, I have absorbed and excelled in what your professors have taught me, but there are many things that only experience can teach. You call it seduction, I call it field work. If allowed to stay, my dissertation will be based on the identification and resolution of five separate issues, and as unbelievable as it may be, none of which involved sexual intercourse between myself and your staff. There was intimacy shared between us, but is that not what must be established prior to treating a patient? Must they not trust us? Must they not see that we know what demons they are facing? As rudimentary and unorthodox as this study may have been, I beseech you to recall that curiosity you felt upon first being introduced to the intricacies of the human mind. How you wanted to know it, experience it; grasp what it is that makes us proverbially “tick”. I have done this, and I harbor no regrets for my actions or decisions. Do what you feel you must, what it is in your power to do, but do not mistake this quest for knowledge for something carnal and trite, and do not dismiss it as such. I eagerly await your decision with the utmost confidence in your open-minded judgment.

Sincerely,
HardCandy

Awesome. Exactly what I was looking for. Only I forget to mention that the 87 year old professor died of a heart attack mid-coitus. Either way, funny as hell.

Levi, it's due next Tuesday.

Give it up!

The premise I mean. I'd like to do one.

XyZy: Write a letter to Sean Hannity telling him you've joined a Cult that worships him as an Idle. Tell him that you're plotting his assassination so that he can become a martyr.

Idol.

__________________________

big S wrote:

Have a good one! I'd sing you happy birthday but the melody was written by a Sunday school teacher and i know how much you hate God so i won't sing to you. Have a good one though.

Frank: You're upset with Gap because your captain ordered the entire precinct to wear these new utility pants. The pants are a little "tight" around the buttocks and everyones is bulging. Your complaint is that its entirely too distracting.

I can get disgruntled with the best of them. Hit me!

Mirka: Ben Affleck died. Write a letter to your boss explaining why you can't make it to work today and/or ever. The pain is too much.

haha! You bastard!

(Don't worry, that's not the letter.)

uhhhh...fuck-it! ill bait, Yo!!!

I'm loving this.

I'm gunna get real drunk before I start typing this one. . .

Hopi: Write a letter in as coherent English as possible. To anyone. Just have it make sense. Possibly funny too.

I want to write a letter.

Nikolas: Write a letter to Obama claiming you are his illegitimate son. Explain that you want 3 things from him that aren't money related. If your demands aren't met, you won't go to the press.

Remember, be as raunchy, racist, liberal, political, whatever, as possible. THe sky is the limit with fan mail.

Sorry, SM, just found this. Hit me with a letter, whatever you want. But I may need more than a week, I'm on some deadlines, so I may need a bit of time, okay?

WK- Write a letter to the vatican proposing a change in attire for the pope and cardinals for 2010. Something Modern or Contemporary. They're currently too "old school" and this change will help amass the youngins into their Catholic Cult.

oh boy...okay, gotta think on this one - now how can i work assless chaps into this letter

Is it too late for me to do this too? Looks like fun.

Nope, deadline is Tuesday at high midnight.

Chaos: There is a local artist who has been using material from around town to creature giant penis sculptures. Sometimes in provocative places, schools, etc. You're appealing to the county, not because of the artful expression, but because she is bias. Not all penis are as perfect as these ones and you fill offended by their beauty. It might give young boys a false image of how they were to grow up. Appeal saying that the rules are that she must create penis of diff. size, color, race, skin/no-skin, and she must also do vagina's for fairness.

You may either be a women or a man in this.

Can I get in on this?

Tragik: Write a letter to Sarah Palin proposing a job opportunity as your personal secretary/sex slave/beer wench/bait and hunter trapper. Explain how this would be more beneficial for her than politics.

Dear Dean Boddinson,

I am so embarrassed to be writing to you under such circumstances. I am unsure whether or not you are aware that my brother is employed by this university in a much different capacity than I. My brother, Jonathan Reedy, is currently working in the Menroya cafeteria across from Camden Hall. Recently, along with staying late at Camden in order to give piano lessons to several students, I have been trying to complete my most recent opus. The late hours have forced me to eat the occasional meal at Menroya, and I am now convinced that Jonathan has had a hand in my poisoning.
I am well aware that this is a steep claim. I'm not sure how he knows when I will dine there, or if maybe some of my failing students tip him off, as I wouldn't put it past some of those pretentious pianists. I try to help them in my own way, but they don't have any of it. Anyway, every time I dine there, I end up with food poisoning. Diarrhea. Vomiting. It happens so suddenly, I'm sure it must be from the food there. I pack all my own lunches and eat breakfast at home, and none of my organic food is spoilt. I have been pushing for a vegan menu on campus, and as you know, Menroya is the only dining hall that serves vegan and vegetarian meals. That must be how he does it. He knows that I am a vegan, and maybe he even spikes all the tofu in the salad bar, because lord knows no one else touches it but me.
We haven't spoken in 15 years. I feel that it is none of your business why we are estranged. I know he's worked here for a long time, but it would be well worth it for you to look into his past kitchen jobs thoroughly. While I went into studious, serious music, he scuttled off to the kitchens to cook. He hasn't even completed proper training like his resume says. He's merely slept with the right men. There, I said it. I'm well aware equal opportunity employment dictates you can't fire him for that. And he absolutely would hate you knowing, however. Maybe that's why he's poisoning me. I really don't care why. I just want him fired.
I'm in no position to barter with you, or to beg you for his expulsion from the kitchen, but you do owe me a favor. I dare say it would embarrass me to have to print the one sentence in this letter that would force your hand for both our sakes. I try to keep mention of that event private, and never printed for evidence's purposes. Let's just assume you know to what I refer. While I can't prove he's poisoning me, I know it in my heart. And I know in my heart as well that based on my last paragraph at least, you will acquiesce and let him go quietly under the guise of budget cuts. Lord knows the music department has felt those pangs the last few semesters, and I feel it's time the kitchen staff felt them as well.
Now, I would hate to be drug into any messy confrontations. If I get wind of any of this letter being leaked to him, or your secretary, events may change, and you may find yourself on the end of a 'budget cut.'
Don't play with me. I know my brother better than anyone. He has reason enough to tamper with my food, and I want him gone. I'll keep mum about your 'affair' and we can all get on with our sheltered lives here.

Your confidante, colleague, and friend,

Professor Gregory Reedy
Dean of Music Department
HIstory of Music
2337 Raden's Way
__________ University

haha! Levi, you know how to sound like a pompous professor all too well.

Dearest Mr. Jay M. Arbringer; CEO of General Electric,

*** WARNING*** It is in your best interest to read this entire letter, and to not take its contents lightly. If it were me, I would do everything this letter tells you to do. But of course that is easy for me to say; I have nothing left to lose. I have nothing thanks to that goddamn energy efficient smart whirlpool clothes dryer.

I am a sex offender. It’s a blanketed term, really. It’s a title that makes people believe I did something sexually violent to deserve such a Scarlet Letter. But I assure you, if I never purchased that goddamn dryer, this would have never happened to me-- and transversely—this would not be happening to YOU. . .

I cannot go within a hundred feet of my old office at the rec association. Not after the incident. They don’t let my kind in there. Everything I had, everything I worked for is gone. We are way beyond the point of customer service complaints. See, my brand new state of the art energy efficient smart whirlpool clothes dryer melted all of my synthetic clothes. This is what I get for going green. . .

In a hurry, I was left with no choice but to wear my roommate’s cotton sweat suit to work—I was running late after struggling with the flames that shot out from that goddamn tin box of death. The smoke could be smelt blocks away. Fuck the o-zone . Fuck you.

See, I am allergic to cotton. By the time I hurried to work that afternoon, the world around me had turned into a horrendous sauna. Lurid rashes and scathing hives climbed their way up my neck. I could feel my skin getting tighter with each drawn breath, as parts of me began to swell. I removed the sweatshirt as my vision narrowed into a tunnel of darkness. I tossed the shirt to the gymnasium floor; the weight of a piano-playing-elephant was lifted from my chest. Relief. I started to feel better. I thought I might make it out of this little quagmire alive. There was a glimmer of hope. I might be okay; that was until I heard the screams. . .

From my waist down, I was utterly numb with a tremendous burning sensation. I stood there, unable to bend my knees from the rapid swelling of my lower joints. I looked down and saw it.

I saw my future.

I saw not being able to go within a hundred feet of schools, bus stops or play grounds for the rest of my life. I saw that my penis was swollen ten times its normal size. And I saw why the young children had been screaming hysterically.

Before I even had the chance to explain why I was sweating profusely and breathing so heavily, shirtless, with a massive erection in front of dozens of small children— I was tackled from behind. The thumping to my cranium seemed to last forever as I curled into a pathetic ball on the glossy wooden floor. I guess parental instincts kick-on in situations like those.

When I came to, the swelling had gone down. The sweatpants were off and I was dressed in a light-blue gown, handcuffed to the steel side rails of an upright hospital bed.

The rest, as they say, is fucking history.

I have since left the poker table of life and cashed in all my chips. I have sold my house, my stocks, my car and the bulk of my belongings. I have been living in a cesspool of a homeless shelter ever since; the type of place where people like me are forced to live by people like you. However, it can be said that I have another kind of investment plan now. And Mr. Arbringer, let me tell you, my portfolio is looking good. . .

See, I used all of my money to hire a private investigative firm. They were very good, Mr. Abringer. For months my associates have been following the chief officers and various board members of the shitshow you run. What they have found will be shocking. At least, it will be to most people. Me? I expected it.

The things we have evidence of makes extra marital relations look like taking church communion. We are talking domestic violence, drug trafficking, homosexual excursions, the murdering of prostitutes, and partaking in an underground sex trade. But you gave us something even more special, Mr. Arbringer.

Please see the accompanying photos taken of you near Middle Brook Elementary School on May, 14th. I am not sure what the authorities would say when they receive photographical evidence of a grown man reclined in a parked car, across from a school playground, with a bottle of vodka in one hand and HIS exposed swollen dick in the other. Perhaps we could find out?

With the release of all this knowledge to the proper authorities and diverse media sources, I can confidently say no person will buy an environmentally friendly life killing machine from the perverts at G.E. ever again. It is time that you receive YOUR Scarlet Letter, Mr. Abringer.

However, this could all be avoided. My private associates and I are willing to remain quiet for the sake of your dire company. Of course it will be to the tune of 20million dollars. Now before you get all angry and do something stupid, you fucking pervert, I want you to read this letter again. I want you to think about what I have been through, and think about the things I know. You have it all. And all I have is an allergic reaction to cotton.

If I were you, I would follow the attached delivery instructions. The ball is your court. You stupid fucks.

Insincerely,
-Fred Two

Wasn't expecting you to take it in that direction at all. Nice.

These are really good you guys!

Oh, BTW, all of these are real life scenarios I have encountered either through me or friends.

Except for the Ben Affleck one.

nat ah

Dear Sarah Palin,

It has come to my attention that your recent attempt at becoming Vice President of the United States, and your career as Governor of the great state of Alaska, have both come to an unfavorable conclusion. To that end, I am pleased to offer you the opportunity to enhance your resume and increase your knowledge of domestic policy by joining Team Tragik as my personal assistant.

The position before you is a rewarding one, albeit one filled with new challenges. As my assistant, you will be responsible for a number of tasks to aide me in my day to day operations. These tasks include, but are not limited to, moose hunting and preparation, the opening and serving of a wide selection of alcoholic beverages, the whispering of sweet nothings, Tina Fey impressions, laundry and erotic massage.

Some sex will be required. However, as your history of becoming pregnant and strong anti-abortion stance have not gone unnoticed, the scope of this portion of your duties will be limited to sex of the oral/anal orifices until such time as menopause has commenced or a contraceptive method that is agreeable to both your strong religious beliefs and my utter hatred for condoms can be implemented.

As a member of Team Tragik, you will receive a number of benefits above and beyond your monetary compensation. Included in this benefit package will be:

A complete lack of public scrutiny
Your very own set of skinning knives
Rubber boots
An unlimited supply of ammunition (to aide you in your hunting duties)
Sundays off!

Thank you for considering becoming a valued member of Team Tragik. We will be anxiously awaiting your response.

Sincerely,
Tragik

Dear Mr. HANNITY,

Oh, my god!!! I am such a big fan of YOUR radio show and your books and everything. I'm sure you get letters like this like all the TIME, but I just had to write to you and let you know that you are in my <3 4-ever! Me and my friends even formed our very own fan club. Isn't that great!?! We all got our hair cut just like yours, and then we read parts of your books backwards. Like how you say that some things make more sense when you look at them in a different way, or something... I was voted to be the president because I'm the prettiest of course, but also because my cousin's sister's friend dated this guy who's brother's dad got all like hurt in iraq and stuff and he HAS one of those scholarships that you give out. So you've just got to COME out to Taft, Louisiana. I mean, we love you almost as much as we love Jesus, which is a lot, and plus you're like still alive and handsome and not all gross and rotting and stuff. Not that Jesus is gross or anything, cause he's like our lord and savior and he died for our sins and that's why we love him...
Oh my god!!! I just had the best idea ever! I could go visit you! And we could PRAY together. I get off of school FOR like three months this summer. And I know you're just going to love me, I know it, I know it, I know it. I'm going to be YOUR bff immediately, I can tell. Like SOULmates. This is going to be so much fun, I can't wait. I got your address off the internet, so see you soon and then forever.

-Krista Allenponte

Funny, but you could ran with it longer.

GIVE ME ONE PLEASE

Adelheid: Write a letter to me explaining 13 reasons why I should give you a topic.