Rosie's No Nonsense Advice Thread.

Dear Rosie,

I have a large tax return coming next month. Should I spend it on paying down debt? Or should I do something nice for myself, since I've had a rough year.

Xoxo,

Temporarily Rich in Oakland

Dear Temporarily Rich in Oakland,

I say pay off your debts. You'll feel so much better for it, and you'll have spare cash to treat yourself once they're all paid off.

Do something nice for yourself that doesn't cost a lot of money.

Cheers,

Rosie.

Hi Rosie,

Maybe you can help. Every friend I have calls me "crazy" as a form of endearment. I have never been able to stand it. But whenever I try to explain how uncomfortable it makes me, I am told "I am jumping off the deep end". I have lost several friends over it. How can I explain to them that it's not cool?

Hi Mena,

Tell them that mental illness is a serious issue, and something you feel very strongly about. Throwing the word "crazy" around is insulting and disrespectful to you and to those with any form of mental illness.

Cheers,

Rosie.

Dear Rosie,
So what is one to think if they read the following Text messages on their husbands phone.
Husband to his friend: They should call it Richmond, Vagina because it's the pussy Capitol.
Husbands friend: how is it going?
Husband: working in 75 degree weather with college girls everywhere!
Husbands friend: then it's on like donkey kong.
Husband: yes it is.
So is one to be naive and think these are harmless comments?
Are they harmless comments? Especially when husband works out of town?
Midlife crisis? Fooling around? Nothing to worry about?
Rosie, I need answers.
In Shock,
Winnie
Pa: the shock is probably why I'm even posting this. Also, I have no close friends that I would divulge this to.

Oh No! Winnie!

I hope they were just being stupid boys with stupid conversation.

I would guess they're being stupid boys, but that's not fun to read.

I want to hear Rosie's Advice. Wake up Rosie!

Dear Winnie,

Midlife crisis. I mean, does he really think he's going to get it on with a bunch of college girls? Seriously? He's being a dickhead texting he buddy crap like that. I think you should let him know you saw those texts and they concerned you. Tell him to pull his bloody head in. It's fine to have a crude joke with a buddy, but it can go too far. This is too far. He might be pissed you read his texts, but too bad. You did, and you need to be reassured you can trust him.

Cheers,

Rosie.

I just want to say I love Rosie - she always gives such stellar advice. If the nursery job doesn't work out she really would make an awesome agony aunt.

PS Winnie - those text just sound like typical boy banter to me. However, I do think you should confront him.

Well I have to tell you guys that I had went through his text after he went to bed Wednesday, the night he got home. I was so upset, so I texted his phone, so he would see it first thing when he got up. (passive/aggressive I know) It was long but to sum it up....I told him it gave me great comfort to know he had been in Richmond, vagina the pussy capitoland that he was working in 75 degree weather with college girls everywhere and that it was on like donkey kong. I told him maybe if he went full time on the road he could see even more college girls. I told him I was over it and obviously not about me anymore! So do you know what he said about it to me yesterday? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Probably because I also told him in the text that I didn't want to hear his defensive answer that he was out of town busting his ass and how dare I accuse him of something. (yes this is not the first time) So he didn't bother to explain the text away with a sorry, you have nothing to worry about honey. Just nothing. I feel like a stupid, naive stepford wife. I'm just so embarrassed. Sorry guys for hogging the thread, but really I have no one to talk to about it. I am carrying on like everything is fine in front of the boys and only talking to him if I need to. I have put 23 years in this marriage and he will not get off so easy. I intend to stay right where I am and to get my boys through school and college. (I can't believe I'm having to think about this stuff) I mean if it was harmless boy banter, then why not explain that and make your wife feel secure?
Again sorry for ranting my long rant.

Also, I meant to say thank you Sarah for your response and everyone else. I didn't want to sound ungrateful.

Dakota:

This pisses me off so much if you're trying to get attention or making a joke.

If you're being serious, go get real help.

You said once at LitReactor that the Cult "jaded" you. You think maybe it was actually the other way around? You coming here to act like an idiot?

How the fuck does The Cult cause anyone to be jaded? It is mostly all mush here.

Except when cunts need to be called cunts, I mean.

Aw, thanks Hattie.

Oh, Winnie. This must be a really stressful situation to be in. At least he knows you saw those texts. Maybe you could text him saying "We need a chat." That's a scary text for a bloke to get.
Is there any chance he just hasn't seen the texts yet? It is strange he hasn't called or anything. When will he be home? You guys need to have a serious talk about shit.
Kia Kaha. Stay Strong.

I really hope he has a good explanation for his behavior, and I hope you can trust him. I don't want to be insulting to you, but it seems like if you checked them at all in the first place you have a reason to feel insecure about things.

He needs to really think about what he stands to lose by being unfaithful. Also, you're his wife and the mother of his children. He shouldn't be disrespecting you and your family by talking smack with his friend like that. Hope you're doing okay and that you can talk to each other soon and get things straightened out.

Not that I can offer any kind of advice like Rosie, but as a male I can acknowledge that many times you say these sort of things to other males as part of the banter. You're not serious and mean nothing by it.

I would imagine after 23 years of marriage that he has no interest in college girls other than eye candy. I'm only 28 and *I* have no interest in undergrad girls. Too young, too immature. (This is of course a sweeping generalization about undergrad girls and I apologize to you lovely ladies of the cult.)

I think if you were able to find a rational approach to talking to him about it that isn't coming from a place of anger, you'll probably discover it's nothing. I also get very defensive for no reason when approached passive aggressively.

Thank you guys so much for your comments. Rosie he is home and has been since. I found the text the night he got home. Alecia I take no offense in your comments. I don't check his text that often. Usually when I'm feeling insecure, which I did because he had been gone for 15 days. I know he did get the text because he wouldn't speak to me all day yesterday unless I spoke to him. I talked to him quite a bit actually, or well maybe at him. I carried on with the day like nothing was wrong. My thinking right now is....I have resigned my self to no matter what he says about it, I have a hard time believing he needs to anger with the guys like this. It may sound goody too shoes, but I find it disrespectful.
So today I continued on the same. Jack had a game tonight at a school an hour away. Joe stayed at a friends, so it was just he and I. Nothing was brought up on the way there and he only spoke when I did. By the end of the game he was talking to me without me initiating it. He knows how I feel and the ball is in his court. Until then, I will carry on with my life of raising my boys and running my household. He leaves again Monday for ten days.
Mcwilly I have a hard time approaching this subject with him in a no attacking way. This may be wrong, but I feel like if it was just guy talk, then why not say "honey you know how us guys can be when we get together" and laugh it off.
I appreciate you guys letting me vent and offering advice. Maye we will resolve it eventually.

Oh, I see. I hope you can talk to him about it soon.

Thanks Sarah.

My guess? He's upset that you looked through his phone. His silent behavior says "I'm guilty," or "I don't even want to talk, cuz I'm damn sure you won't listen. You already said you wouldn't. Also, I'm pissed that you had the gall to look through my phone."

I mean I certainly would be upset and think my wife was being absolutely ridiculous if I woke up to a text like that. I probably would respond with silence, too. So my guess is you two are at a stalemate. But that's me being an optimist.

Wow thanks for your wonderful insight Lib, not really.

I was thinking this stuff too.

No offence Winnie. I'm on you side with the situation.

But I can say that times I have received meanly worded emails or texts from James, especially if they were concerning something he invaded my privacy over, silence is pretty much exactly how I've responded.

I know that sounds odd, "invaded my privacy", when speaking about a marital relationship, but even in marriage a person still wants to feel they are an individual. For myself, I don't hide anything I do online or any calls I make or have any deeply hidden journals et cetera, but these things are all still personal.

What I am getting at, is having been on the other end of your situation, where something was interpreted the wrong way or where something had an objection taken about it, it is much easier to be responsive when the concern is brought to me with respect.

It is possible your husband is also feeling humiliated and disrespected, those feelings could possibly be conflicting inside him with whatever other feelings he may be having of remorse for hurting you. If you want the truth out of him, and you want whatever level of apology and explanation for what that all meant is necessary. You may need to partially apologize yourself in order to get these things. Telling him you are sorry for being mean but that it really shocked and hurt you to read that and that you are not dropping the subject until you get an appropriate explanation about what he meant about it because it all highly concerned you, might be a good place to start.

I'm saying this because he has broken your trust, but you have also sort of broken his now, though to a lesser degree. It is important that you do what you can to fix your part of it so he doesn't resent you or try to hold your part over your head in your search for what the fuck he is doing and meaning by all of that.

Pepper is right.

But I can also see how it must be really hard to not check up on what Winnie's hubby has been up to, especially if he's broken her trust in the past.

I personally couldn't live in a relationship where there is a lack of trust. I've tried before and it turned me into a paranoid freak.

Well I appreciate your point pepper and lib , but I get on his phone and he gets on mine. I have nothing to hide and I don't think he does either. I know me getting on the phone is not the issue. It's the accusation that he is possibly doing something while he's gone. I've never caught him doing anything before, but there was a question when anther woman was calling him a few years back from a city he worked in. And honestly the majority of the time I have not a worry in my head about these things, but when I'm feeling insecure with myself it. Ones to the forefront. This is a flaw of mine that I need to work on. My personal feeling is I have every right to look on his phone just as he does with mine. So when I see comments like those, I'm of purse going to be upset and think something. Did I handle the situation right? Probably not. Did he probably not. I don't expect anyone to choose sides. I just don't think my reaction was that far over the top. At least I didn't go psycho and trash his phone or any other crazy scenerio. It really is hard to have a spouse who travels all the time for work. So the last thing I want to deal with is him, while I'm home alone raising our children, taking care of bills and the house, is him going ga ga over college girls. That is simply how I feel and if it's wrong so be it. But hey at least I have seen some different views on the whole thing. There is no lack of that and thanks for weighing in even if I don't agree with.sorry lib, but I did take you calling me ridiculous a little to heart, I'm past that now. I mean you are entitled to your opinion.

Hey Winne, you're totally entitled to feel that way. Your husband is just being an arse. Does he know that you feel insecure sometimes and feel the need to reassure yourself by doing things like looking at his texts? You should tell him. He must find it hard being away from you too. Except his way of coping with his insecurity is to text his friends dumb shit about college girls.
Boys are stupid. Girls are silly. That is life.

Well, I'm sorry too, but it seems likely that if he really did know that you two are at a level where you can check anything on each other's phones (and regularly do), and he was in fact guilty of messing around, he would've had the good sense to delete texts like that. But he didn't delete those texts, so I'm inclined to believe he's just upset that you don't trust him and chose a passive aggressive way of expressing it, creating more distance. That can be, at first, infuriating and confounding, and then simply numbing. If he really was guilty of anything, I think he'd be more inclined to just explain the texts away, as it would be pretty easy. But at this point it doesn't seem like he feels like he needs to explain himself.

THIS IS ALL SPECULATION, so yeah, don't be taking anything else to heart. Just consider these approaches.

Thank you Lib. You said it exact, why not just explain it away. We are speaking as if nothing has went on and I'm going to let it lay. He leaves Monday and we should enjoy our time together, especially since it will only be 6 days out of the next 22. So I will let this rest for now. Thanks Lib.

I don't mean to be rude but if you've been married 23 years... I'm guessing he's probably older than 43. I could be wrong and naive, but if this is true, he's far too old to be using the word "pussy" casually and definitely isn't getting any from college girls. I wouldn't worry about more than him trying to feel like a young baller on vacation, which is probably why he sent that text to his friend instead of kept the thought internal. He's just on a business trip somewhere, while it's nice out, and is sad he isn't 23 on spring break. He didn't delete the text message because he didn't remember it- if it were actually something he might feel remorse, guilt, or shame about, he would have deleted it immediately.

Guys do stuff like this all the time. They're just asserting that they're "one of the guys." I've had guy friends admit that they'll make lewd comments about chicks who walk by that they don't even find attractive just to fit into the male archetype around their friends.

Which doesn't detract from the fact that he acted like a total douchebag and deserves to be treated like such. As for his silence? He's embarrassed and should be. Grow up, dude.

Also, don't feel guilty about checking his texts. He's a guy and he's away from home, that's enough to make most girls feel insecure or nervous.

Just sayin', I'm never getting married if THIS is considered enough to make my wife of 23 years nervous/insecure. Then again, I would never have done anything to make her question my loyalty.

That is not enough for all girls.

There is also no age limit of crass language. Cussing is good for all (adult) ages. Soothes the soul and shit.

Well, yeah. I mean 50 year old guys are totally allowed to go around talking about college pussy but unless they're Willem Dafoe they're going to sound like total fucking creeps.

Because talking about pussy all the time doesn't make a 20 or 30 or 40 year old guy sound like a creep? Only 50 year old guys. Got it.

It sounds creepy to you but not to each other. I don't talk about it too much actually, but most guys do.

I know the sorts of things girls talk about when there are no boys around, I'm not creeped out by the idea that guys toss that sort of language around with each other.

I think Skydoll is really silly to say there is an age limit on when a guy can send his buddy a text with the word pussy in it.

Frankly, I find it adorable when 70 year old men talk about the pussy they used to get.

gay

??

oh hush, I'm more mature than you.

Dear Rosie,

I have a sadness. The older my kitten gets the more I think I'm really, really allergic to his specific kind of fur. We've really bonded and he's my little buddy who keeps me company.

Should I suffer through it or find him a nice home somewhere? It'd break my wee little heart a bit.

Sincerely,

Totally Bummed in Oakland.

That post made me sad.

Allergy meds? Everyday? Best I can think of.

Dear Totally Bummed in Oakland,

Try some antihistamine/allergy pills. If that doesn't work you could always shave your cat, it works for Meowie! If either of those don't work or appeal to you I think you need to find him a new home, see if a friend can take you're fluffy little buddy so you can still visit.

I hope it works out.

Cheers,

Rosie.

A friend of mine used to be seriously allergic to pollen and animals and managed to get an injection from his doctor. He now no longer suffers. The end.

I know the American healthcare system is seriously warped, but you should check if this sort of treatment may be available to you, Mkay.

There are so many abandonned animals in the world, it makes me seriously depressed.

I had allergy shots when I was a teenager and they cured me of most of the allergies I had. I used to be severely allergic to cats, dogs, pollen, dust, and chocolate. I went twice a week and got two tiny injections in each arm for two years and that was that. I have two cats now and I'm just fine. I can't go outside and roll around in the grass without being itchy, but I no longer sneeze uncontrollably from March to June when everything's blooming.

I thought grass was supposed to make you itch.

Not really. Maybe a little, but it is tolerable and barely annoying.

James is highly allergic to grass. Laying down even fully clothed in the grass would have him broken out in hives, and if he ever mows the lawn he can't breath for a week. Good thing I like mowing the lawn. Bad thing when it comes to spontaneous picnics.