Pointless Announcements

Giancarlo is on a sort of date with a girl. They went to Trussville Playstation, which has skating and food and bowling and making out in dark corners.

Anthony's got two friends spending the night tonight and we're just waiting on the pizza to get here. They've got the Wii and the Gamecube and even the Nintendo 64 and a bunch of handheld things all going at once.

I made them kool-aid but that's only allowed in the kitchen.

You're the best mom ever. This filled me with all the nostaligias.

Amber, I'm sorry you're so sad at the moment. I really so think you should try and get some counselling. You need someone to talk to. Someone you can tell everything. I mean it. Please try and get some help.

I hope you do that too, Amber. Venting here is fine but maybe you need a bit more. Punch that sadness in the face. Or however it works.

Went to the movies with my friends last night. I haven't seen them in a long while so they surprised me with a late birthday present. I feel really lucky to have such good friends.

Aw, that's lovely. Yay for nice friends.

Yeah, I'm a total nut job anymore.

Not at all. You're going through a hard time and you need some support. There's nothing nutty about that.

Haha, I wish Bret Easton Ellis would reply! I bet he does remember you!

I bought a dress! Man, I'm SO happy!

Girls clubhouse thread! Go!

My sister wants me to go across the lake to the park with her but I really don't want to.

It's different than what you usually do. Maybe think on it.

Giancarlo officially has a girlfriend and they kissed FOUR times. He didn't tell me that part. He told Drew, then Drew told me.

I'm very glad she goes to another school and lives half an hour away and neither one of them has a car.

Yaaaay! Not being in the same school is good, they won't get bored or distracted.

hahah congratulations Giancarlo.

Gabriel came home and told me the other week that he was looking around at the other kids hanging on each other in the halls and thinking about his friends whose girlfriends make all these demands and decided it was all ridiculous and too much pressure and he doesn't care about girls right now because it is only highschool and makes no sense to worry about it all right now.

Trevor overheard him and then told me her broke up with his girlfriend a couple days later, "because it is only middle school and silly". But now Trevor is having problems with his "ex" getting her feelings hurt and crying if he gives one of his female friends a hug or compliment or anything (most of Trevor's friends are girls).

I'll figure myself out, things are going to be better. I already made some decisions in my head. We are getting health insurance before the end of the year (never had any in my adult life so this is going to be strange) and I will seek out help if I cannot get my emotions to stop being a bitch to me.

The other night I just got really really drunk because of my anxiety for my friend having her surgery the next morning and ended up being a weird blubbering fool here. Drinking my problems away is one of the things I need to change. I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking and I don't think I need to quit, but when I am trying to cure my life with it things get weird and stupid and I just need to stop that, that is a very bad relationship to have with alcohol.

I know I said in another I have had intrusive suicidal thoughts this year. It is the truth. But I am not suicidal, they are just scary thoughts that have accosted me at random times, like driving down the road, about how it would be an ultimate cure to deal with everything. That is not something I am thinking of actually doing or planning in anyway. It hurts me to realsie I am have been in that much pain, but saying out loud that those thoughts have happened helps, even if it is just to a bunch of internet friends.

One of the more stressful things I have been dealing with all year is Gabriel's friend having hanged herself in the begining of february. I have never addressed my own fear and trauma over that having happened, as I have just been trying to be there for him and the others about it. I was actually on the cult bullshitting around when he found out via facebook. It was late and I guess he and his friends were freaking out at each other trying to figure out what happened for a good hour. He was supposed to be doing homework then going to bed. He came out in the living room and just told me he just found out his friend was dead. I stopped talking about it here, but that is not because it stopped being something that happened in our life. there have been all the issues of the whole school acting all in pretend sorrow and then this small group of kids I am close with actually hurting and being angry and grieving.

I have not processed my own fear and grief over it.

I'm only talking about that because I do not want anyone to think I was seriously saying I am suicidal in the other thread. I would not do that to my children.

And I know I have been vaguely lamenting problems in my relationship here too recently. All the years I have been here I have always purposely not spoken openly very often about my relationship issues because that is just private and I am not comfortable really talking about that sort of thing with just anyone, airing dirty laundry. Recently I've been overwhelmed and also accepted some truths and I guess I have just let some things fall out without caring who reads or hears or whatever. Sometimes I guess a person just needs to bitch and cry to help get their head straight.

Things are going to get better for me because I won't accept them not getting better.

TL;DR I will be okay, and the point of this post is just that I appreciate the concern and apologize if I have made anyone worry or uncomfortable.

I heart you, Amber

I heart you as well, Amber. It seems to have been a tough year for most of us here.

Yeah I <3 you, Amber.

That's awesome you're getting health insurance, it will mean one less thing to worry about.

I guess I've been much the same this year. I've gone a bit emotional and nutty, and perhaps over sharing personal stuff. I'm better now, but I'm still seeing someone at maternal mental health to help me with the trauma of Lucy's birth and early days and other stuff.

Chenoa, I'm so sorry you're feeling alone. Xandar's illness and all the treatment he's having must be so overwhelming for you. *hugs*

We went to the in-laws for lunch, and they made us dinner to take home. I love my in-laws.

Pepper, I'm sorry about the stuff you're going through and I heart you too! I am however glad to see you say that you will be better, because that is the mindset you need to dig out of this. You WILL feel better.
Chenoa, I'm also sorry that your baby is having health issues and you feel so alone. I mean, I've had to take care of my children when they are sick by my myself, and my husband is out of town, but I know it won't be too long and I will get a little help from him. He travels quite a bit and I do feel like a single parent most of the time. I guess I'm saying that I can relate to a certain extent. But, you are to sweet and beautiful of a woman to be be alone for too long. I know this is not the case. I do hope things get better for you. *Hugs*
Sarah, I'm glad you are getting some help with your issues over the Birth. I'm sure this is very helpful.
You know, just because we're only friends on the internets, doesn't mean it's not real. I feel like I'm making real friends with you guys and I think we are a lot of support for each other. Maybe I'm just dillusional, but whatevs, I like yous Internet people

You're right Winnie. I likes yous too.

I heart you all too.

I guess there isn't anything implicitly wrong with talking about personal things here. I certainly don't think any worse of any of you for doing so, it seems normal to me for others to do so. I just feel all ashamed and even defensive when I have caught myself doing so, and feel like I must explain myself after the fact.

The thing I am really bothered about is that not only have I not been happy. but I am worried that I will never make my husband happy. Doesn't matter how much anyone changes their behavior, a person cannot change their personality. And personality is pretty ingrained by our ages. No matter how much we love each other, or how much we have been through, the end of the day, when everyone is calmed down and not being childish about anything, if their is still a lack of content the what?

It has been an ongoing joke between us and both of our families forever that the only thing we have in common is our loathing of mayonnaise. And everyone says "We cannot believe you guys made it! Amazing amazing!" but what the hell kind of pressure is that? we are in our early thirties. We are not retiring. 'making it' or having 'made it' is the sort of thing that old people settling down to be comfortable have done.

This past year I have taken to going out and doing the thin gs I want to do whether he will join me or not, and my recent detailed extended conversations with a dear girlfriend have had her agreeing that, while she does not want me to hold myself back from making something of myself, she worries for me knowing the depth of the incongruity in my relationship. As she puts it: If I get in school, or get a job I love and I am doing the things I want to do and going and seeing the things I want to see and enjoying life and the things that interest me about it and he will not, still, join me, well I will meet other people and if I am being fulfilled by others in the ways that he refuses, then what is left? Our sex life? If that is it then it isn't too far of a leap to finding someone else to have sex with, someone who wants life in the same way I do.

That sounds bad, but it is the truth of what is holding me back from really taking what I want in life.

I'm so ill this is the second day in a row that I wake up at 10. I even wake up earlier on New Year's Day, what the hell body?

Final grades- A,A,B,C

"Unconfused"

Saxanomically crakadine, unsays the queen.
Percidaciouslly absorbadant ! uncries the peasant.
Unmeanings of unwords undestroy anew.
Understand

Woah, Amber. That sounds a lot like me and the bloke. We pretty much have nothing in common. I just got out and do my thing most of the time. He never joins me to hang out with freinds and pretty reluctantly with family. In fact he only comes if I make him. We're totally different. It works and it doesn't.

I love my mom, but I don't like living with her. She just went to the bathroom and stopped on the way back to ask me if I'm going to bed. Seriously?! Do you think it's that easy to sleep anymore?

Sometimes Mums are just silly.

I know what you mean about how it works and it doesn't work.

On one hand being so different has been helpful because there is always a different point of view and new things to learn from each other. We can definitely keep each other on our toes and I suppose one thing neither of us is lacking is a worthy debating opponent. Which for both of us, me being cerebral and him practical and hands on but both of us more logic inclined than mushy we are able to give each other quite interesting things to think about when we do have our deeper conversations on the world and life and whatnot. And we are able to introduce each other to things the other does not know about still.

Just yesterday he put on a new album form some artist I don't know about that he is into and talked about it all and I learned some things and then also asked me a couple times what different words that were used meant. The way he asked was just that obviously I knew, that was nice have someone so confident in my competence even if just over something silly, and the way he talked about the music was with confidence that he was telling me things I didn't know yet but are interesting.

There is so much we cannot share though, that is deeply important. Things that mean things to each other and the other one just cannot understand at all. I know I am not the only one of the two of us that is lonely.

Do you ever have the opportunity to go out just the two of you? (Could Gabe babysit for an evening and let you both go out?)

Yes, we could go out.

But James will not go out with me to do anything he finds uninteresting. Does not matter how interesting I find it. When we go out it is what he wants to do, or is comfortable doing.

Example: For my birthday last year my girlfriend was suddenly very sick the day of, so our plans to go to a mutual friends bar to hear the music didn't seem so fun to me anymore. The main point of that was to be with my girl, not be at the place. I found several other options of things I was interested in going to do instead, particularly I wanted to go downtown Portland for this punk band and this bit of a dive that is fun to go to now and then, but the very idea of that was stupid and not something he wanted to do. We ended up going to the place originally planned and I drank an he sat and we couldn't hear each other to talk and he wouldn't even dance with me.

There are several restaurants I would like to go to, but they just don't sound like places that have food he would find interesting so he won't go. And when we do go out to eat it is to the places he wants to go.

I've just gone to shows because I want to whether he will come or not, and gone to different book things, and gone and got a damn tattoo by myself and everything because he doesn't want to but I can't take this boring never do anything uminteresting existence.

Our last big argument was because I had checked out a Sundance film from the library and I said let's watch this and cuddle and he didn't want to watch it because he thought it sounded stupid and I got annoyed and it just blew up and I never watched it at all.

Years the excuse was we couldn't afford a babysitter. Gabriel and Trevor are both old enough to babysit now and nothing has changed. Except I do things alone now instead of not doing them at all.

How frustrating. It sounds like he doesn't really understand the purpose of you both going out together.

My family friend who's been married about 7 years has one night of the week ring-fenced as date night with her husband. They take it in turns to decide what to do and where to go and are not allowed any distractions (i.e. taking phone calls, etc). She may have gotten this idea from this book, which seems pretty trashy, but I think it's a good idea in theory. I agree it may be especially difficult to implement as you have a family and with your husband in his current frame of mind, but maybe it's worth a try if you can get through to him?

Chin up!

My girlfriend texted me at 4pm and said she just woke up. Then she said she needs a bigger bed, insinuating that it's MY fault she slept like 15 hours. I went to sleep after midnight and woke up at 6am and THEN went to work. So what's her excuse for not getting out of bed to do nothing?? There might be a small argument tonight.

I think Anthony may have the flu. I really, really hope not. I've got him a doctor's appointment at 8AM tomorrow.

We are supposed to go to GA for Thanksgiving (leaving Wednesday, coming back Saturday evening), and it's my ex's turn to have the kids this Thanksgiving. If he's got the flu or isn't drastically improved, then me and Anthony are just going to stay here ourselves. I told Drew I didn't want him to miss out on family time in Georgia, and I don't want Giancarlo to miss out on his dad and his dad's family. Jeff said I should go to GA and let his mom take care of Anthony. No way, Jose. Listen, if my baby's sick, I'll be the one to take care of him, thank you very much.

I hope Anthony doesn't have the flu!!!!

Hattie! ha. That book.

you impress upon me
a sweet reverie
sweetly and heavily

my primo uomo sings my heart a melody

and all the while
it was all the while
wait a while
it was always rhapsody

it catches and encompasses
in gentle breaths and exhales
with soft resonance
and legato phrases
and diminuendo until rest

no two notes the same,
I launched myself upon your balustrade
hoping you'd take me
but what was that note you sang?

"fleeting," she susurrated

"as a breath," he replied

That shit is beautiful.

On a completely unrelated note, today my brother accused me of using profanity to mask my inarticulation. And it's like what the fuck, you know? I mean, shit.

i have two guys in the apartment to remodel our guest bathroom. they are drilling and hammering for two hours straight now, it sounds like they are tearing down the house. also they turnt off the water and now i feel like i have to pee. of course we do have another bathroom, but no water, no flushing and maybe later one of the guys has to use that bathroom too and he´ll see that i haven´t flushed and STUFF LIKE THAT BOTHERS ME.

Ahhh, it's light outside! I was afraid it wasn't going to come back.

Why do Norwegians have strobe lights on their bikes? A normal light is so much easier to see/follow, and a strobe light can give people seizures!

Yesterday when I was walking home there was this light that came closer and closer (no, I wasn't dying), but it was just hanging in the air, and I started wondering if it was someone that had a light on their unicycle (haha). Turns out, it was someone with a light in their helmet. So now I know. The Norwegians that don't have strobe lights, prefer helmets.

*Shakes head*

I must put a helmet and some lights in my boyfriend's christmas stocking. He only has reflectors and it freaks me out now that he cycles to and from work in the dark!

That would freak me out too! There are some nutty city cyclists about, especially here, there was a boy on a bike trying to ride across the road in to oncoming traffic, we were stuck behind him with a huge queue of traffic while he waited in the middle of the road, total idiot.

Yes, he's stupid, there's a really dangerous roundabout he has to go over which two cyclists were killed on in the space of a month (I hate driving on it too). He did have a helmet (it was mine and he left it on a train, grr) and some lights but they were cheap ones from Halfords and broke. Boys, eh?!

I know! They're missing something that allows them to see their imminent injury.

How's your course going, Amii?

They use helmets in the UK as well?

Sensible cyclists do!

It's really good! I've been so unwell a lot of the time but I'm enjoying the work even if I've missed some classes. Hate the reading list though =/

I can't remember ever seeing cyclists with helmets in The Netherlands, except for the fanatic Tour-de-France type people.