"Jesus Freaks or: How I Came to Replace the Doorbell with an Auto-Destruct Button."
Doorbell rings.
Jesuit on the left has humongous Dumbo ears and horn-rimmed black spectacles. We'll refer to him as Dexter.
His Jesuit pal next to him, the one who does all the talking, is slightly bug-eyed with hair cut painfully American and a good sense a' the old fashioned courtesy. We'll call him Tommy Pickles.
Tommy says, "Hello!" in that perky I-can-do-no-evil harmony.
"Hello, gentlemen," I say, very curtly and ready to reject what they're selling.
"How are ya?"
What the fuck. "Great. What can I do for you?"
Undetered by my sarcasm ("He's a sinner, I can smell it!"), Pickles proceeds with his routine. "Well, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ and we were wondering if we could talk to your family...about Jesus."
Oh. I was [i]hoping[/i] you would talk about a bitch with big tits you fucked last night. But Jesus. Yeah. Well.
"I don't think so. We're kind of busy."
Busy making our way into Hell, Tommy. Busy breaking the commandments.
"Alright, well, can I give you this--"
"I don't want to buy anything."
"--[i]free[/i] information on ordering a video on Jesus?"
"...Yeah, sure, why the fuck not."
"Uh..."
"Thanks, boys."
And I shut the door.
This "free information" is a tiny card, Christ's business card, with a reprinted Renaissance painting of Our looking-somewhat-mournful Savior on the front. On the back it promotes some shitty video that will save me from damnation. You know the one.
Then I lay down on the couch and watch the idiot box, which at that moment was turned to AMC and tailgaiting the climax of "Dillinger".
A long string of men has just come over the hill, all of them carrying rifles, advancing towards a tiny smoke-puffing house some distance away. Inside, an old lady slides a book towards [URL=http://www.crimelibrary.com/gangsters_outlaws/outlaws/dillinger/2.html?sect=17]John Dillinger[/URL] and says, "Ewe need tha Biebul."
John, finishing his meal, grins and responds (with something to the effect of), "It's true, ma'am, I always been a sinner. But the truth is, I enjoys it. I kilt a lot, but all them men I kilt always deserved it. I figger it's too late for no Bible."
With that, he wipes his mouth, takes his gun and thanks the old couple for keeping him.
He runs outside and before he can clear the hill he's been shot at least twenty times. A man in a long coat and hat walks up to him and flips him over. They have a brief exchange and then Dillinger dies.
I was particularly struck by the irony.
I wish I had invited Tommy and Dexter in. And I wish they'd been there to watch it with me.
Men are all different. Religion works for some and not others, and it's no one's fault, that's just the way it goes. Criminals are going to be criminals forever and always, and we'll continue to persecute and condemn them, despite whether or not they could have helped it.
If, by Christian laws, I'm doomed to roast in hell for eternity, if God is that infantile and dim, then so fucking be it. Because there's no assurance for me, not in Mormonism or anywhere, so I'm going to enjoy my goddamn sins.
[CENTER]a million bucks[/CENTER]
"...bigomy, or Mormon Holdem..." Great simpson joke
I like westerns, by the way. Old ones, though.
My mom always has Mormons at her house. She [i]invites[/i] them over. Once they came over while a bunch of people for some other religion were in the neighborhood. When they came to my door, they thought I was the homeowner. Guess I look older. They didn't like the mormons.
this belongs in the emperor thread.
[SIZE=1][QUOTE=ehquestionmark]Wow. This little thread got CRAZY. People telling me to abuse my girlfriend, people showing an alarming lack of respect for women as a whole, people questioning my masculinity in some kind of bizarre machoistic pissing-contest. Hell, I even got called stuffy. [/QUOTE]
[URL=http://confessionalpoe.blogspot.com]Grand Mental Station[/URL]
[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/community/showthread.php?t=15714&highlight=interview+insomnomaniac]Insomnomaniac: the found interview[/URL][/SIZE]
The Jehovas came the other day. They parked their rickety Town Car at the end of my driveway and began their humble voyage to my door.
This brought back memories of years ago, when they came for the first time. Memories of my mother spotting them, all suited up in their Sunday best. The whole family, Father, Mother, and Daughter. They get out of their car, slow as molases. They're already scanning all visible windows for any evidence that we're home.
My mother yells, "GET DOWN!"
The trick is to hit the deck the second you spot them anywhere near your house. Stay there for a few hours to play it safe. They are on a mission and they ain't fuckin around. On one of their visits they were able to spot my sister's head in a window before she lept underneath the nearest coffee table. They knocked again and again for at least ten minutes.
My father answered the door once. Before they could get a word out, my dad said "No." and shut the door.
The other day, when they came, my dad stopped them midway up the driveway, put his hand out, and said "Nope." They turned around without a sound and headed back to their rickety Town Car.
What makes these people think they can trespass on other's property and preach about their Great and Almighty?
LOL.
just thinking of you guys hitting the deck like a bunch of urban commandos is hysterical.
and if they turn around and leave when you ask them to leave, then they're not trespassing, btw.
[SIZE=1][QUOTE=ehquestionmark]Wow. This little thread got CRAZY. People telling me to abuse my girlfriend, people showing an alarming lack of respect for women as a whole, people questioning my masculinity in some kind of bizarre machoistic pissing-contest. Hell, I even got called stuffy. [/QUOTE]
[URL=http://confessionalpoe.blogspot.com]Grand Mental Station[/URL]
[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/community/showthread.php?t=15714&highlight=interview+insomnomaniac]Insomnomaniac: the found interview[/URL][/SIZE]
What about the time they kicked my dad in the shin and called him a pansy?
that never happened.
[SIZE=1][QUOTE=ehquestionmark]Wow. This little thread got CRAZY. People telling me to abuse my girlfriend, people showing an alarming lack of respect for women as a whole, people questioning my masculinity in some kind of bizarre machoistic pissing-contest. Hell, I even got called stuffy. [/QUOTE]
[URL=http://confessionalpoe.blogspot.com]Grand Mental Station[/URL]
[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/community/showthread.php?t=15714&highlight=interview+insomnomaniac]Insomnomaniac: the found interview[/URL][/SIZE]
Prove it.
Prove it did happen.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Michael [/i]
[B]My mom always has Mormons at her house. She [i]invites[/i] them over. [/B][/QUOTE]
Funny, so does my mom, though I usually refer to them as Grandma, Aunt Jean, etc. I come from a big (is there any other kind), mostly jack mormon family, my mom (new age), my brother (atheist), and I (whatever) being the black sheep.
It freaked me out when I met them for the first time. It was after I read Survivor and they reminded me of the Creedish cult for whatever reason.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by insomnomaniac [/i]
[B]this belongs in the emperor thread. [/B][/QUOTE]
I thought of that.
And then I realized no one would read it. So.
Yeah, most religion, it seems, is cultish in nature. I grew up "Charismatic" before it became freaky-deaky Making Up Our Rules Christianity.
I think if they come back I'm going to give them my copy of Survivor.
[CENTER]a million bucks[/CENTER]
why would no one read it? there are some very dedicated emperor readers here. myself included.
someone explain the term "jack mormon". por favor.
[SIZE=1][QUOTE=ehquestionmark]Wow. This little thread got CRAZY. People telling me to abuse my girlfriend, people showing an alarming lack of respect for women as a whole, people questioning my masculinity in some kind of bizarre machoistic pissing-contest. Hell, I even got called stuffy. [/QUOTE]
[URL=http://confessionalpoe.blogspot.com]Grand Mental Station[/URL]
[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/community/showthread.php?t=15714&highlight=interview+insomnomaniac]Insomnomaniac: the found interview[/URL][/SIZE]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by insomnomaniac [/i]
[B]there are some very dedicated emperor readers here.[/B][/QUOTE]
"some" being my point
[CENTER]a million bucks[/CENTER]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by insomnomaniac [/i]
[B]why would no one read it? there are some very dedicated emperor readers here. myself included. [/B][/QUOTE]
Never read that thread. It was too big and scary looking.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Rohan [/i]
[B]Never read that thread. It was too big and scary looking. [/B][/QUOTE]
Made me piss my pants.
school girl
[CENTER]a million bucks[/CENTER]
If he was a schoolgirl, he'd have a nice pair of breasts happening most likely.
Sorry. Kind of one-tracked mind at the moment.
Better go watch something astoundingly gross, bleak and depressing to focus on something else.
Gothic porn it is.
[CENTER]a million bucks[/CENTER]
I wish I had breast. For that matter, I wish I had a schoolgirl.
jack mormon = a mormon who drinks, smokes, etc. as seen in the example...
A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots, downs 'em, and leaves. He does this every week for about a month when the bartender asks him why. The guy says, "One for me, one for my buddy in the war." The next week the guy comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender, a little worried, asks, "What's wrong, man? Your pal died?" The guy says, "Nah, I just converted to mormonism. This one's for my buddy."
Eh, anyway... basically like a jew that doesn't bother eating kosher.
mormons are good at math 'cause they have to keep track of their wives and babies.