I Would Like To Be...
...An old lady at the head of a huge line at the grocery store. After taking about 7 minutes to properly load all my items on the counter, I'll make a hell of a trial out of rooting around my big, brown purse for my wallet. Then, once I get it out....hand her a ball of crumpled up money, asking her if she could count it of course, I'll suddenly remember that I have a Walbaums card. Only I'm in King Kullen. But when she tells me that, rolling her eyes, I'll say, "Don't tell me I'm in King Kullen. I NEVER shop in King Kullen. In all my years of coming to Walbaums, never once have I been in King Kullen." The Clerk will respond, "Well you IN King Kullen, lady. Now either you give me your King Kullen card or you check that attitude of yo's at the dooh (door)!"
And then I'll respond, "Oh, my King Kullen card? It's in my car. Hold my purchase and I'll go out and get it." Grunts from the line.
Now my motorized cart has run out of batteries. So two bag clerks will have to help me push it into first gear. And right before I zoom out of the store, I turn to the clerk and ask her where Patchouge is. She asks "Why?" I say, "Because that's where I live, you ninny." She'll say, "Why are you going home? The parking lot's outside!" And I'll reply, "Yes, dear, but my CAR is at home!"
Wanna have the pants scared off you in 90 seconds?
Watch 'Laundry Day', my new horror short: