i need people to tell me what they think, EVERYONE!

10 replies jump to bottom
justlikebeautyx
justlikebeautyx's picture
Joined: 01/25/2012
User offline. Last seen 1 year 19 weeks ago.

be honest! tell me what you think of these two peoms, consturcktive critisim would be lovely.

I was born in love.
My early years we're filled with obnoxious music
needles, powder, and smoke.
They did me wrong.
Then I got thrown into a different kind of love.
A cleaner, more conservitative love.
A strict kind of love.
Although that love was pure I longed for the first love.
The love that did me wrong, the love I forgave.
Although the second was clean and pure.
Why do we always go back to the love that did us wrong?
thats the first one.
second..

That misleading heartbeat.
So loudly beneath your chest,
leading me to beleive that yes, you really like me.
yes, i excite you.
yes,yes,yes.
Wrong.
the next day confused and ignoring sleep and food.
all my self worth goes to you.
my self worth is not my own, just like our bodies are not our own.
if i think highly of myself i will take it too far.
its either black or white.
life or death; there is no being content.
this fuck of a being, a body, a face.
this fuck of a mistake that god made.
or this lovely girl standing in the mirror.
with her blue eyes.
Yes,yes,yes
that's what your heartbeat leads me too.
Yes,yes,yes,
if only i could beleive what other people say is true.

pleaase tell me what y'all think<3
even if you dont like them, tell me how i can improve.

__________________________

danielle xo

ScubaSteve1729
Brought to you by The Space Pope
ScubaSteve1729's picture
From: the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy
Joined: 09/05/2009
User offline. Last seen 34 weeks 6 days ago.

__________________________

"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -Carl Sagan

"Am I cruel? Probably. Is she an idiot? Yes." -jane s.

Nightrious
Nightrious's picture
Joined: 11/10/2003
User offline. Last seen 18 hours 49 min ago.

We think you're fucking annoying.

PGoutis01
MOD
PGoutis01's picture
From: Michigan
Joined: 06/03/2004
User offline. Last seen 9 hours 5 min ago.

a. - if you want real constructive criticism, go to LitReactor.com
b. - before you do that, you might want to spell all the words in your first sentence right. Nobody is going to take you seriously if the question of asking for a critique is totally misspelled.

You wanted us to give "consturcktive critisim" of your "peoms"...

__________________________
188416 wrote:
Nachos, every day! Dying sounds great, I don't know why people get so upset about it.
audreythirteen
audreythirteen's picture
From: City of Dreams
Joined: 05/12/2009
User offline. Last seen 6 hours 54 min ago.
PGoutis01 wrote:
a. - if you want real constructive criticism, go to LitReactor.com
b. - before you do that, you might want to spell all the words in your first sentence right. Nobody is going to take you seriously if the question of asking for a critique is totally misspelled.

You wanted us to give "consturcktive critisim" of your "peoms"...


No seh was rjght the fisrt time. Seh wantz consturcktive critisim and the are obiesly peoms. Can't you tell the differenze Pete? I'm suprized sense your the Book Klub mod and all.
__________________________
PGoutis01 wrote:
I will shit internationally!
PGoutis01
MOD
PGoutis01's picture
From: Michigan
Joined: 06/03/2004
User offline. Last seen 9 hours 5 min ago.

grrr If I wantit yr lip I wud peeeeeeeeeel it off my azz!

__________________________
188416 wrote:
Nachos, every day! Dying sounds great, I don't know why people get so upset about it.
audreythirteen
audreythirteen's picture
From: City of Dreams
Joined: 05/12/2009
User offline. Last seen 6 hours 54 min ago.
PGoutis01 wrote:
grrr If I wantit yr lip I wud peeeeeeeeeel it off my azz!

__________________________
PGoutis01 wrote:
I will shit internationally!
Skydoll
Skydoll's picture
Joined: 02/03/2012
User offline. Last seen 43 min 47 sec ago.

Poems.
are just sentences
that got all weird
cause no one cared about them
them.

Skydoll
Skydoll's picture
Joined: 02/03/2012
User offline. Last seen 43 min 47 sec ago.

That guy in highschool who
traded his green sweatpants
that he wore
everyday
for a fedora
that he wore
everyday.

Tuffy
by Sandoz
Tuffy's picture
From: The Center of
Joined: 03/29/2009
User offline. Last seen 3 hours 30 min ago.

Nobody on Earth
Can go to Hell fast enough
To please this sad fool

__________________________
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
nathaniel parker
Sprung
nathaniel parker's picture
From: Outer spiral arm of Milky Way
Joined: 06/24/2005
User offline. Last seen 18 weeks 2 days ago.

Anyone that writes poems in First Person or directly about themselves should have their poem writing license taken away.