Do you feel like you don't belong here?
I know everyone feels this way from time to time at least. I can get along with anybody but I just can't seem to relate to any one. Whenever I try to make a genuine friend, things are good until my real personality. Over the last couple of years All of my personal connections have been all but cut. My family doesn't want to have anything to do with me unless they are obligated. Any time I try to make new friends or meet new people it feels as though I am speaking my own language or that I am a stranger in a strange land. I've even tried making some personality changes but I found them to be the worst kind of dishonesty and found that I couldn't live with myself. Hell even the girls I date seem to like me a lot until they start to get to see my core. After that, I've seen all of their faces change in the same exact way; like they have found themselves in a situation that was pleasant at first but now are horrified/disgusted by. I can't even go to the internet for any of that. My first post here was a story (thread: My stupid little zombie story) that I wanted some critique/feedback for. This was just a means to an end of finding someone/anyone to talk to about anything; discussion and debate are something I love with all my heart. All I found was an asshole moderator(who obviously has insecurity problems of his own to abuse his meager power in any way he can) that felt absolutely COMPELLED to bore into me about not joining the workshop and the obligatory thread flamers. None of this surprised me necessarily. Most of the world is populated by people that are so insecure about not being good at anything that the only response they have to offer is shit-talking and the internet is a reflection of that society. but I thought that this would be the place to let someone into my weird little world because I thought the same weird little worlds would be here if anywhere else. Most of us would describe ourselves as writers, no one here seems content to have an ordinary life or be an ordinary person. We all seem to want to run from the notion of normal as though it were a plague ridden village in the 15th century. All I found was just another place and group of people that I couldn't connect with. For me this is the last stop. I haven't posted here in a long time because I have been scouring the any place I could get to looking for something that connects me to the rest of the world or just another person. But nothing has really changed. I'm just a few more acquaintances than a retard on facebook but now the landscape outside my door seems alien and filled with land mines, traps, reeducation and youthful demise. My mind and heart are telling to skip all of that and just get straight to the suicide. This is completely terrifying to me. I don't want to die but I feel more and more everyday that it would be correct course of action. The question I have to ask myself everyday is if I think things will ever be different or if it is even worth it to work towards a goal that I have no idea how to achieve and probably not turn out the way I need it to. To be clear I need advice here not coddling or pity, fuck that shit. If you have any experiences that are similar or advice or anything please let me in on it. Hell even if you think I should kill myself, tell me that. Either way it goes my life has to change, I've done everything I know to do and still i'm not any closer to being neutral or even apathetic. This idea has taken taken hold in my mind. This suicide is something I, at first, tried to put out of my mind. Now, I'm starting to grow more and more comfortable with by the day. I feel as though I owe it to the world to snuff myself out for the life I have lead and its natural in-consequence. Has anybody else ever like this and if so what are my options.
The only difference between a religion and a cult is a popularity contest.