Attn: Coworkers
To my bosses: Could you guys take the political discussions elsewhere? You've been having the same "Obama is ruining the country and Republicans are genetically superior to every one else" talk almost every day since last summer. It's getting kind of annoying.
To the customer service girl: Stop asking me to go partying with you. I'm not interested and I find you kind of pathetic. Also, I don't care that you've been working here for almost six years, you're not a manager, so stop trying to act like one. And for fucks sake stop forwarding calls to me for stupid shit like customers asking if we carry a certain kind of shampoo. Again, you've worked here for almost six years, you should know stuff like this. Maybe that's why you're not a manager.
To the weird guy we recently hired who says he's in the army: You're really weird. Please go away and stop trying to talk to me. You mumble and half the shit you say is nonsensical.
To the other guy we just hired: Nickleback is you're favorite band. That's all I really need to know about you.
Did you share this with them? Targeted marketing and all...
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
To the hostile black girl: I'M SO NICE TO YOU EVERYDAY WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME?!
To the new freshman work/study: I'm not going to have sex with you because you're rushing a frat. sigma pi sucks anyway. your fly is always unzipped. stop being creepy.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
You da white devil!
Why are people so stupid?
You look like the type of guy / gal, who would like:
To the short fat bitch: Stop your fucking gossip. I don't believe a goddamn word that comes out of your mouth anymore. You were not friends with Chris Benoit, and you did not ride in the limousine with his parents at the funeral. And don't squeal like a fucking pig every time you see the customer service manager. And after 8 years, you should know how to take a fucking order. And do cop an attitude with customers because they interrupt you from packaging a loaf of bread because they want some goddamn donuts! And don't put all the new stuff on top of the old stuff, fuck face! And just because you don't wanna do the donuts in the morning, and you're trying to hint that you're gonna leave them for me to do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, greet me with "Good morning, Donut boy." I will fucking end you.
I'm not even done yet:
To the grad student, Sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT
To my supervisor, Sjah: STOP ASKING ME WHERE I GO TO CHURCH IT'S AWKWARD AS FUCK
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
To the hippo: Stop being such a fucking victim. I used to feel bad about the fact that you're poor as fuck and can't afford your heating until I found out that you pay for every goddamn thing your kids need, wait on them hand and foot, and generally let them walk all over you. I don't feel bad that you have no time to take orders, or to go and get a fucking container from the back. If you worked faster and didn't spend all your time explaining shit to people for 15 minutes, you'd have plenty of fucking time!
This isn't a coworker but I feel like this belongs here
To my ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago who won't stop texting me: No, I still can't hang out with you, when I said I couldn't do anything for four weeks I meant FOUR WEEKS, not last week, not this week. I don't know if the beds at the sale are any good, I just told you I never looked at them. All of your lols and smiley faces make me want to punch you in the spleen and you aren't special because I sent you a Thank You card for the flowers. That's just the way we do things 'round here. And I'm pretty sure Brisingr is pronounced with a hard g not a soft one you fucking moron.
ahhh... that felt good.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Not only does this thread already exist, YOU created it, Justin.
No, that was Att: Customers
I'm shiot faced and I know thne difference.
Fuck it. I'm leaving the typoes in.
This is why we can't have nice things.
To the boss's slack-ass wife: Where I put things and the way I do things on my shift have no effect on you whatsoever, so don't come in during my shift and move shit around. YOU'RE HERE A TOTAL OF 3 NIGHTS A WEEK! Also, leaving tables not wiped overnight is not only disgusting, but unhealthy. Stop it.
To the boss's slack-ass son: Your mom does shit wrong. Stop telling me how she does it. I don't give a shit.
To my boss: Your family should be making the quality of your restaurant better, not scaring away good employees and customers with their attitudes. Either tell them to get their shit together, or fire them. Please.
"We're developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won't be able to think."
— Rod Serling
"Chuck calls Noah fortnightly on his bakelite rotary phone and gives him publisher's insider information and stock tips."- Tuffy
Ah, the joys of working in a family owned business when you're not part of the family. Never want to do that again.
Me either. I'm out of it for now while I wait on this baby to pop out and I may just try to stay out of it permanently.
"We're developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won't be able to think."
— Rod Serling
"Chuck calls Noah fortnightly on his bakelite rotary phone and gives him publisher's insider information and stock tips."- Tuffy
To my main boss: You're a funny guy but you're also really weird and have retarded opinions. You're also kind of misogynistic. It's getting really awkward being around you. Like today when you went on for 30 minutes about how your wife's opinions don't matter and how because you're married that means she can't say no to you when it comes to sex. Kind of hope you were joking about the ladder, but you probably weren't.
To the girl who just quit: Yeah, you can't just come in to work one night and say "Oh I got a new job. This will be my last day." I mean you can, technically, but it's a real dick thing to do. Especially in the beginning of the week.
Don't you have to give 2 weeks notice?
lololoolol
This is why we can't have nice things.
They wrote her up for job abandonment so I guess so though I don't know why they even bothered since she was already gone at that point.
What's that Christian religion where the women aren't allowed to wear pants or makeup? And everybody is "Brother Mike" or "Sister Elsie?" Cause that's what my main boss is.
Amish?
No, it starts with a P.
Pentecostal.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Pain in the ass?
This is why we can't have nice things.
I thought it was Brethren.
I'm waering pants and makeup this very moment. Religion fail.
Actually I'm not wearing any makup. I lied. I did just apply some lotion and was thinking about putting on some makeup.
To the Customers There is a second page of your bill. Flip over the first page. There you go. See that. Everything is itemized, it's all right there. So please don't call and yell at me about the Fifty dollars in Porn charges. I am sure you were out of town, And ohh I know your son would never rent those kind of movies. He is a good kid, and knows better. Too bad, hit your kid and tell him to use the internet.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
lol, this one should be in the customers thread!
Bingo.
He won't let his 2 year old daughter watch Disney films because he doesn't want her to think she's a princess, which is a weird way of brainwashing her into devaluing herself if you think about it.
It also has a way of showing her that she doesn't have to be vain and beautiful to succeed in life.
There is nothing wrong with being beautiful, only when physical beauty takes a precedence over living up to to your highest ability of intelligence is there a problem.
I worry about my daughter because of this, she is very smart, but if you ask her more, often than not, she will say that being pretty is most important. 
Attractive people make more money. Fact. Your daughter is smarter than you think.
This is why we can't have nice things.
You might speak another language, but I can still see when you're making fun of me. Maybe next time, I'll just make food for myself and leave you out. I was being nice.
"We're developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won't be able to think."
— Rod Serling
"Chuck calls Noah fortnightly on his bakelite rotary phone and gives him publisher's insider information and stock tips."- Tuffy
Dear 40+ Year Old Trailer Trash Redneck Coworker,
Stop asking if I'm "Funny." If you're trying to find out if I'm a fag or not, just ask, don't beat around the bush.
-Justin
PS. No, I'm not into you. You're gross.
funny? is that not a pejorative term yet? jeez.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Nobody calls me funny. ... and yet 
... and yet
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Perhaps he simply has an inability to measure the effectiveness of your humor.
The redneck dude was singing 'Red solo cup, I fill you up, let's have a party (x2)' a lot the other day. He wasn't there today, but I wore earplugs anyway.
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
Stop asking if I'm "Funny." If you're trying to find out if I'm a fag or not, just ask, don't beat around the bush.
-Justin
PS. No, I'm not into you. You're gross.
Does he do the little hand wave thing when he says "funny?"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TN9JLS3Cjs#t=4m18s
(i haven't figured out how to post video at the time stamp you want yet, just the link.)
To the "new" girl: While I realize you were trained in only a couple of days and tossed out on your own rather quickly, it's been more than 2 months since you were hired. Pretending like you don't know the basics is getting old. So I conclude you're either playing it up so you don't have to do much, or you really are that dumb. And seeing as you're already a slacker, I'm going to assume the former.
P.S. - T.M.I.
"We're developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won't be able to think."
— Rod Serling
"Chuck calls Noah fortnightly on his bakelite rotary phone and gives him publisher's insider information and stock tips."- Tuffy
Oh man, Justin. Your job sounds horrible! How do you put up with it all??