Actual Text Messages...
This happened:
selling roundies, always got em if any of you cunts want in let me know.
Yep. That's what he thought he'd say in a text message.
Screencaps of exchanges are welcome, if not encouraged, of course--I'm thinking, at times, POIDH! is going to be almost needed. Luckily, I receive some good pictures on my phone from time to time. Hmmmm.
I'm pretty sure its still banable, which is a crying shame because those are some of my best text messages.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Text messages, not PMs. And you can keep this anonymous.
And a "roundie" is slang for Pills or Ecstasy.
Pretty sure a text from a Cultie would be included.
Need a ruling.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Well, if that's the case, I need to be banned because I've posted that text exchange between Cam and I in the Actual Conversations thread, and I'm sure I've posted other text exchanges previously, too.
banhammer!
"I don't need a back rub! Just buy me the chicken and we'll be square and I'll never bother you again!"
"Great, half an hour? Gives you just enough time to run home, scatter the rose petals, light your mums candles and throw on the Barry White."
a series of texts, all my own artistic property so I don't get in trouble:
I'm doublefisting cheap rum and I'm wearing an Indian headdresss
too drunk and there's nobody here I want to Fuck
exceylt you
exet
FUCK except
Also you aren't here lolol
I'm too drunk
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
I KNOW we would be amazing friends IRL.
edit: not a text message, just how I feel about you!
I'll just let you all guess who the other party to this textversation is.
Him: anyway, I'm off to bed--sorta
Me: sorta?
Him: I'm going to fuck.
Me; oh right. Enjoy yourself!
Him: and she's paying for the cab. So I'm kind of like a man-whore.
Me: that's awesome.
Me: get her to cook/buy you breakfast too and you get a gold star.
Him: I'll be too busy eating something else to worry about food. Now THAT's a gold fucking star.
What a slut.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Not News is still Not News.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Picture was sent to me of a very fat girl doing the splits
Me: Disgusting! Though it is impressive that she can do that...
Her: I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Gravity is the impressive one here! She probably just collapsed midstep.
Me: You watching the news? We just killed bin Laden.
Her: I'm trying to figure out what to get Ty for his birthday.
Me: We killed bin Laden. History is happening and you're shopping!
Her: I'm sure it'll be on youtube and everybody's facebooks tomorrow.
Me: ... You're probably right...
Recent text conversation between me and my housemate, Sam.
Sam: Food?
Me: What you getting?
Sam: Kebab place closed. What are my options?
Me: My cock
Sam: Also dominos?
Me: I don't understand
Sam: Dominos dont serve cock
Me: ?
That's about everything you should know about what it's like to text me.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
I'm not going to relay the actual message, because I don't think my sister would appreciate that, and technically it wasn't to me, but the it wasn't meant for him either.
My sister accidentally texted James a rather long, sickningly sweet, lovey dovey, kissy, lets snuggle when I get home, message early the other morning that was meant for her guy. It was pretty hilarious. She isn't going to live this one down... ever I think.
Her: *long lovey snuggly message*
Him: Ummm... I think you're going to have to ask Amber about that first.
Him: I appreciate the offer though. 
Her: Shit
edit: not a text message, just how I feel about you!
I AGREE! where are you from again?
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
3:27 AM Him: Hey wanna do some shrooms on the 15th?
Me: Do you know what time it is? You just interrupted my dream..
Him: Oh, I'm sorry babe. But, do you wanna do shrooms or not? On the 15th?
Me. F!@#%^ ask me in the morning when I'm awake and not having and awesome dream.
11:30 AM. Him: Hey, you wanna do shrooms on the 15th?
Me: Only if you promise to never wake me up while I'm dreaming to ask if I want to do anything ever again.
Him: K. Cool.
Me: Idislikeyourightnow.
The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.
I'm doublefisting cheap rum and I'm wearing an Indian headdresss
too drunk and there's nobody here I want to Fuck
exceylt you
exet
FUCK except
Also you aren't here lolol
I'm too drunk
I wake up.
Me: Wow. Looks like you had a fun night.
Cam: Holy shit.
Me: Yeah I know.
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -Carl Sagan
"Am I cruel? Probably. Is she an idiot? Yes." -jane s.
I'm doublefisting cheap rum and I'm wearing an Indian headdresss
too drunk and there's nobody here I want to Fuck
exceylt you
exet
FUCK except
Also you aren't here lolol
I'm too drunk
I wake up.
Me: Wow. Looks like you had a fun night.
Cam: Holy shit.
Me: Yeah I know.
...I...*blush*
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
I should be the one blushing. But I don't blush.
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -Carl Sagan
"Am I cruel? Probably. Is she an idiot? Yes." -jane s.
it's a good thing I lost my phone in that garage or you would have learned how to blush, I imagine.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Him: anyway, I'm off to bed--sorta
Me: sorta?
Him: I'm going to fuck.
Me; oh right. Enjoy yourself!
Him: and she's paying for the cab. So I'm kind of like a man-whore.
Me: that's awesome.
Me: get her to cook/buy you breakfast too and you get a gold star.
Him: I'll be too busy eating something else to worry about food. Now THAT's a gold fucking star.
What a slut.
I accidentally came in her hair. And then we laughed. And then fucked some more. It was pretty great.
Him - I'm so horny right now!
Me - Good for you!
Him - I want you to see my webcam show at www.Ican'trememberthewebaddress.com
Me - Um... I'm with children right now.
Him - I'm inviting you so you can sample it for free!
Me - Are you on Facebook?
Him - You need to enter a card number to prove you're over 18 
Me - No fucking way.
Him - Yeah, I like to fuck!
Me - Oh dear God... I've been talking to a bot this whole time!
Him - I'm real sweetie!
Me - Fuck.
Him - Yeah, I like to fuck!
Me - *Blocks number*
Me - I'm so excited!
Girl - Just be careful in Africa.
Me - You bet ya! I'm going to drink sooooooo much of the local water! 
Girl - I saw an African cat the other week and it made me cry.
Me - Yeah. I'm not a fan of pussy myself.
Me: We still on for the movies tonight?
Him: Yea. Did I mention that I'm gonna bring my brother. He's 11..
Me: Oh... Uh, cool.
Total friend zone. Wtf..
The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.
Girl - Just be careful in Africa.
Me - You bet ya! I'm going to drink sooooooo much of the local water!
Girl - I saw an African cat the other week and it made me cry.
Me - Yeah. I'm not a fan of pussy myself.
We get it, you're gay.
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -Carl Sagan
"Am I cruel? Probably. Is she an idiot? Yes." -jane s.
Girl - Just be careful in Africa.
Me - You bet ya! I'm going to drink sooooooo much of the local water!
Girl - I saw an African cat the other week and it made me cry.
Me - Yeah. I'm not a fan of pussy myself.
We get it, you're gay.
I didn't mean to wave that flag, I just thought it was a funny exchange. Nothing more.
Him: anyway, I'm off to bed--sorta
Me: sorta?
Him: I'm going to fuck.
Me; oh right. Enjoy yourself!
Him: and she's paying for the cab. So I'm kind of like a man-whore.
Me: that's awesome.
Me: get her to cook/buy you breakfast too and you get a gold star.
Him: I'll be too busy eating something else to worry about food. Now THAT's a gold fucking star.
What a slut.
I accidentally came in her hair. And then we laughed. And then fucked some more. It was pretty great.
I would punch someone if they came in my hair. nothing personal, I just love my hair. although...my post-coital hair reaches a level of big and crazy that you guys can't even imagine.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Girl - Just be careful in Africa.
Me - You bet ya! I'm going to drink sooooooo much of the local water!
Girl - I saw an African cat the other week and it made me cry.
Me - Yeah. I'm not a fan of pussy myself.
We get it, you're gay.
WAT
When did that happen!?
Andrew: (asks for a very specific photo.)
Me: (finally gives in and sends specific photo.)
Me: that's all you're getting.
Me: oh shit.
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit
Me: fuck, that was totally meant for someone else. Fuck fuck fuck.
Derek: hahahahaha!
Yeah, this happened.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
I have never accidentally come anywhere.
I feel like there's an entire frontiere I have not explored.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Explored, or exploded?
Me: (finally gives in and sends specific photo.)
Me: that's all you're getting.
Me: oh shit.
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit
Me: fuck, that was totally meant for someone else. Fuck fuck fuck.
Derek: hahahahaha!
Yeah, this happened.
Also, this is actually the funniest fucking thing ever.
Me: (finally gives in and sends specific photo.)
Me: that's all you're getting.
Me: oh shit.
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit
Me: fuck, that was totally meant for someone else. Fuck fuck fuck.
Derek: hahahahaha!
Yeah, this happened.
Also, this is actually the funniest fucking thing ever.
Why thank you, I found it pretty hilarious myself. Though possibly not as hilarious as Derek found it.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
EDIT. nvm.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Me: (finally gives in and sends specific photo.)
Me: that's all you're getting.
Me: oh shit.
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit
Me: fuck, that was totally meant for someone else. Fuck fuck fuck.
Derek: hahahahaha!
Yeah, this happened.
Also, this is actually the funniest fucking thing ever.
Why thank you, I found it pretty hilarious myself. Though possibly not as hilarious as Derek found it.
I send a lot of wrong texts to the wrong people
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Note to self: Get cell# to Cam.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
'martin' is right next to 'mom' in my phone, I always coincidently call and text him.
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Me: (finally gives in and sends specific photo.)
Me: that's all you're getting.
Me: oh shit.
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit
Me: fuck, that was totally meant for someone else. Fuck fuck fuck.
Derek: hahahahaha!
Yeah, this happened.
Also, this is actually the funniest fucking thing ever.
Why thank you, I found it pretty hilarious myself. Though possibly not as hilarious as Derek found it.
Teehee. Brilliant.
Oh, man. I've got a great one. It's still happening though, so I'll see where it goes and pop in later.
Okay, so, as promised, I'm back with the funny text exchange I had while working tonight.
HER (after I mentioned I was at work): What does your uniform look like?
ME: [picture message of me in a mirror pulling a stupid face]
HER: Ugh. You still look so friggin cute.
ME: Not at all. The shirt is huge and my hair is tied back tight and I look like a dunce and probably, after inspecting that photo, need to shave off that ridiculous beard shit.
HER: No shave!
HER: No!
HER: Not. Allowed. I should, after all this time, have some say. And I vote NO.
ME: Definitely will soon. I grow it and get sick of it so easily. I'm definitely growing a massive Charles Manson/Jesus beard when I'm older though. And exclusively wearing kaftans.
ME: Weird. You knew me when I couldn't even grow a beard. Ha.
HER: Hahahahaha Aww I know. So little and girly.
HER: Sighhhhh
ME: Now I'm all man. Yep, I said that and took myself seriously in 2011.
HER: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh Matt. So amazing.
ME: What, what!?
HER: You just make me smile.
ME: I like that.
HER: Sometimes. Mostly I just want to poke you in the eye.
ME: And then in the bum when I'm coming.
HER: Wow.
HER: Is that a thing?
ME: By "thing" you mean?
HER: Where you being serious or no?
ME: I wasn't being serious, no, but I wouldn't completely object if said finger was sufficiently lubricated, I guess.
HER: Hmmmmm. I see.
ME: I know you don't want to poke me in the eye.
HER: Sighhhhh.
ME: At least not in my blue one.
HER: !!!
HER: HAHAHAHA
HER: This conversation.
HER: I don't fully understand people's obsession with anal.
ME: Ummm, it's an ass and it's tight and it's kind of wrong and filthy?
ME: This equates to sexy in my head.
ME: Just sayin'.
HER: Yeah. Which is all well and good for the guy.
ME: Though I would never say I'm obsessed with it.
ME: I've never actually requested it. Only ever done it when the girl has asked me to.
HER: But no guy will let me fuck them in the ass now, would they? And that's just rude.
ME: I would. Why the fuck not?
HER: Okay, well most people aren't as filthy as you Matt O'Donnell.
HER: I'd totally love to fuck someone with a strap on. I think it would be amazing. Change sides for a while and get the guy view of things.
ME: I'd likely let you do it. I've had a dildo there before. And I've had plenty of fingers in there. Feels kinda nice. The dildo, not so much. It was hard to relax and kinda just felt annoying after a couple of minutes. Didn't turn me on, at all.
HER: It's weird right? Like. I don't know. I know girls that froth on it. I'm not adverse to it but it's mostly just too scary haha.
HER: "and I've had plenty of fingers in there". Amazing.
ME: Yeah, it's weird. And the dildo wasn't huge. It wasn't even as big as my cock. So it was tiny, basically. But it still felt bizarre.
ME: Kind of like it was almost going to be good but never quite got there.
HER: YES. Is this enjoyable or do I really just feel like I need to go to the bathroom?
HER: Can't quite figure it out.
ME: Yeah, it's kinda fucked.
ME: Gotta try everything once though, right?
This is just a snippet of the texting I've done this evening. Shit is entertaining.
"I've had plenty of fingers in there"
Golden.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
I still don't see why that particular line is so funny. But, that's usually when I'm the funniest; when I'm being 100% serious.
It's the mental image I got with all these different fingers...
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
just wait till I send you the pictures
“if you want to be a bird,” you said once, “with colorful plumage and buoyant trills, you must also be ready for hollow bones."
Me: All out lives that shine strong...
Girl: Only shine for so long?
Me: I love you now...
My personal favourite of the bunch was not the "fingers" bit, but the part where she says she wants to poke me in the eye and I say she doesn't, at least not to my blue one. Come on. That's hilarious. Right?
RuPaul did the same joke last week, man.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Don't even know who that motherfuck is, but I'm gonna cut him when I see him.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Read this as Ron Paul the first time around. Was supremely weirded out.
The fuck's a roundie?
Also, be aware that sharing private messages between Culties may still be bannable.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.