Actual conversations...
Gossipy women
Neighbour T: Oh, God, yeah - we've been getting all sorts round ere.
Mother: There was a brothel next door wasn't there?
T: Yeah, ma husband were telling me.
M: Alex did you know -
A: Getting coffee. Just a second.
M: Well that's just awful! Can you believe it?
T: It's just how things are.
M: Alex, there was-
A: A second, please.
T: And number 16 is moving out!
M: Oh?
T: Yeah, that man who were hit wi' a bottle - he used to hang around there. They're going.
M: Good.
T: Yes!
M: Alex, there used to be a brothel next door.
A: I know!
(pause)
A: No...I mean you've been talking about it for months-
T&M: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
A: ...ha
A: Dylan, are you a snitch?
D: Nope, no.
A: Ya sure?
J: Alexa, you know what Laura's dad asked me?
A: What?
J: He wants me to lift up his grass to kill the weeds. He's crazy.
A: Lift up the grass!?
J: Yeah! He's insane, I'm not doing that shit.
D: I'll ask him to pay me up front to do that, then just take his money! (laughs at himself)
A: Leave her dad alone, he had a stroke.
J: No he didn't.
A: Oh...
J: He's like...schizophrenic.
A: Oh...
D: I'd tell him to fuck off! (laughs at himself)
A: Leave her dad alone, he has schizophrenia.
D: I owe Alyssa 30bucks.
A: She's not going to fuck you Dylan.
D: She did, twice.
A: Yeah, right!
D:...In my dreams...
hey, you're back in this thread. you.
W: Alexa! Look, its me.
A: What are you doing here?
W: Yo, I got the accord with me, I'm a blood now. Look at my face!
A: Oh, they did that 21 second beat the shit outta you thing?
W: Yeah, I was like this and this and yeah...they got me on the chin.
A:...Nice...
W: Bloods, bloods. (throws up blood sign) bloods, bloods. Where's Johnny!?
Me: When I say Yeah all the ladies say Yo!
Me: Yeah!
All the Ladies: Yo!
Me: Yeah!
All the Ladies: Yo!
True story.
A: Zombies don't give a fuck.
B: Of course they don't give a fuck, they're zombies.
A: I know. But they REALLY don't give a fuck.
co-worker: we can't force a pdf link to open in a web browser. we can't force it.
me: ... just like love.
A: Luis, you look kind of like Jimi Hendrix but with ghetto clothes on.
L: Thanks Lex, I take that as a compliment.
2: I gotta go get a slice.
J: You out?
2: Yeah, I gotta go get a slice. (Gets out of the car)
B: That guy talked me to death, Luis.
L: He always does.
A: He had to go get a slice of pizza? That's how he says goodbye! (laughs)
L: (laughs) Yeah, Lex.
1: Hey, Johnny can you drop me off?
J: Naw, I have to turn my stove off.
I hate the entire state of Connecitcut and EVERYONE in it! Yes, everyone! Even me whenever I cross the state line. I feel dirty. I turn back and look longingly at the fading New York sign in the distance as the car rushes forward. The state of Connecticut is a festering pile of shit.
Anyway. I don't talk to people. I have no conversation to offer.
Ahh, don't knock my state. Stay in New York.
I hate the entire state of Connecitcut and EVERYONE in it! Yes, everyone! Even me whenever I cross the state line. I feel dirty. I turn back and look longingly at the fading New York sign in the distance as the car rushes forward. The state of Connecticut is a festering pile of shit.
Anyway. I don't talk to people. I have no conversation to offer.
Don't be an jerk. Jerk.
Two instances while I'm at work in retail. I believe these show what kind of guy I am at work.
1. A couple comes to my register to buy condoms and lube. I ring them up but hand the bag to an eight year old customer behind them and say, "I believe this belongs to you." The dude of the couple bursts into laughter as he takes it from the girl. Not really a conversation but I found it funny.
2. I'm at work and my fellow co-worker is off the clock buying an iPod.
C: Dude can you get me an iTouch out of the case?
Me: 16 Gigs right?
C: No, just the 8 gig.
M: God you're cheap.
C: It's too expensive.
M: Ok. (coughs the word: "STINGY!")
C: It's a hundred more dollars.
M: Okaaay......
We get up to the register.
C: You know, I guess I will take the 16 gig one. It's only one paycheck.
K: You have a problem.
S: No I don't.
K: I don't understand it, you're just rubbing the germs into your hands.
S: No, it's antiseptic, it kills the germs as you rub it around.
K: Why don't you just urinate on your hands!
S:...
K: No wait, urine is sterile, not antiseptic...
S: Yeah, there's a slight difference between Dettol and urine.
K: You have a problem.
S: No I don't.
K: I don't understand it, you're just rubbing the germs into your hands.
Hahahaha!
S: No, it's antiseptic, it kills the germs as you rub it around.
K: Why don't you just urinate on your hands!
Hahahahahahahaha!
S:...
K: No wait, urine is sterile, not antiseptic...
S: Yeah, there's a slight difference between Dettol and urine.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
J: I wonder if this really happened.
A: It did! Leatherface is real.
J: You're lying.
A: No! It's a true story, all of that really happened.
J:...I'm going to look it up.
A: I'm tellin' you Johnny, he's real...
J: You're messing with me, Alexa.
A: No, no. Leatherface is real!
----
J: You lied! He isn't real. Ed Gein was real though. It says it was based off of him.
A: See, he is real.
J: They are not the same!
A: They are just telling you that. They make these movies so when you get scared you think: "It's just a movie." But it actually happened...
J: Yeah, right!
Hahaha, my brother says some funny things. He's my half brother, by the way. He's 8 yrs old. He's my little nerd and I love him (:
History: My mom and dad have been divorced since I was three. She's a raging alcoholic addicted to pills, whereas he spent most of my childhood in prison for using/selling drugs. He's completely clean now, and he's honestly one of my heroes/best friends. He's hilarious, I love him, and I resent my mother for starting out as the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and spiraling down into the mess she is in now. That being said;
Me: I seriously respect Dad, though. I know you hate him for not being around when I was younger, but he's wonderful. He's handsome, hilarious, smart, and he will do anything to ensure that I'm taken care of.
Mom: Yeah yeah yeah. We'd still be together if he would have cleaned up sooner.
My brother: Nuh uh! If you would have stayed together, you wouldn't have me!
Mom: Yes, well, maybe we would have one more kid, and it would have been you!
My Brother: NUH UH! You need my daddy NUGGET to make me.
Mom: Hahaha....your dad has a nuggett all right 
Me: Hahaha...uh...Dawson...so you mean ...sperm?
My Brother: No...that's a type of whale. You know, a SPERM whale.
Me: Well, aren't you just a little genius?
My Brother: I read books too, you know.
XD
Sprint Guy (who i can barely understand): Your new phone is now active, please allow blah blah time for it to work and leave your old phone off for the next 24 hours.
Me: But I need to get all of my phone numbers off of my old phone, how do I do that if it is turned off?
Sprint Guy: You can have your numbers transferred with the phone on, but you have to leave your phone off for 24 hours.
Me:.... So... I need to wait 24 hours to get my numbers transferred?
SG: No, you don't need to wait.
Me: But I need to leave my phone off for 24 hours?
SG: Yes
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
4Year old cousin: Is not.
Me: Is too.
4: Is not.
Me: Is too.
4: Is not.
Me: Is not.
4: Is too.
That reminds me of my little cousin years and years ago.
Me: Are you cool?
Little Cousin: No.
M: Are you the man?
LC: No.
Me: Are you awesome?
LC: No, I'm Quinn.
K: You have a problem.
S: No I don't.
K: I don't understand it, you're just rubbing the germs into your hands.
S: No, it's antiseptic, it kills the germs as you rub it around.
K: Why don't you just urinate on your hands!
S:...
K: No wait, urine is sterile, not antiseptic...
S: Yeah, there's a slight difference between Dettol and urine.
Oooh embarrassing for K!
I says: Steve Wilkos, why are you such a jerk off?
S.W. says:
.
I says: ....uuuuuuuuuuh-huh.
((and then I ran))
A: Hey, do you have a knife?
People: Thats sketchy. Why you need a knife? "Hey, do have a knife?" (laughs)
T: Alexa! I like your tank top. Is it new?
A: No, its old.
T: Alexa! You don't look like a crack head anymore! Cleaned yourself up.
A:...I guess...
T: Got a haircut, its nice, i like it.
A: Thanks...do you have a knife I can use?
M: Hey Mom.
Mom: Not now. I'm busy.
(I notice she working on the computer)
M: Do you need any help?
Mom: Yes.
(dad walks in)
Dad: What?
Mom: Yes! Now everyone leave me alone.
She's not my type.
Me - Why not?
I don't LIKE women like her.
Me - What are you talking about? You don't know anything about her.
I like....... simple women. Not simply a woman.
Me - WHAT?
You wouldn't understand.
Me - She's out of your league.
She's too old.
Me - That doesn't matter, when you're a hundred she'll be what? 115? It's perfect.
That's disgusting.
Me - It doesn't even matter. Thalia doesn't want to fuck you either.
You don't know that.
(going shopping at the place I work on my day off)
Me- Hey.
her-You shopping?
me- Yeah. This is what I look like when I'm off the cock.
her- Did you just say cock?
me- No. I said clock. Get your mind out of the gutter. The customers might hear you!
She's not my type.
Me - Why not?
I don't LIKE women like her.
Me - What are you talking about? You don't know anything about her.
I like....... simple women. Not simply a woman.
Me - WHAT?
You wouldn't understand.
Me - She's out of your league.
She's too old.
Me - That doesn't matter, when you're a hundred she'll be what? 115? It's perfect.
That's disgusting.
Me - It doesn't even matter. Thalia doesn't want to fuck you either.
You don't know that.
LOL, Thalia!
Student - is it true that you don't have a cell phone, teacher?
Me - Yes. I don't like 'em, I don't need 'em.
Student - How can you live?
Me - I just do.
Student - You make me sad.
Me - I know. It makes me so happy.
street evangelist to friend: jesus loves you!
friend to me (whispers): oh my god. is that what he said? we just met!
Amber: So. Made out with a rockabilly kid at the bar last night.
Jane: Oh really? What was his name?
Amber: Spike.
Jane: Shut the fuck up.
Amber: Also I think it was a prison nickname. He told me he's a felon.
There is hope, but not for us.
street evangelist to friend: jesus loves you!
friend to me (whispers): oh my god. is that what he said? we just met!
I'm stealing this for use on the obnoxious UF street preachers who wave condoms and call us The Unversity of Fornication.
My mom: I bet they card me.
Me: Nahhhh. You look very grown up with your hair up like that.
She didn't get carded.
Mom: Well that's just shoddy work on their end.
It didn't actually go like that at all but rough translations are slightly funnier to me.
Amber: So. Made out with a rockabilly kid at the bar last night.
Jane: Oh really? What was his name?
Amber: Spike.
Jane: Shut the fuck up.
Amber: Also I think it was a prison nickname. He told me he's a felon.
I don't understand it at all but it made me giggle.
the createspace ad guy discussion
succotash moon: createspace ad guy totally has women issues...
succotash moon: especially with that blazer on!
Ritt: createspace ad guy looks like he dumps his coffee out if too much cream in it, and likes his sandwhiches cut in traingle halves
Ritt: creatspace ad guy looks like his day is ALL fucked up if the toilet backs up.
succotash moon: creatspace ad guy is wifi'ing at the tully's right this very second...
succotash moon: ...and writing his new novel, of course
succotash moon: createspace ad guy just KNOWS his stories are good enough got This American Life
succotash moon: for, not got
damien_mayfair: not home yet. createspace ad guy's probably home now.
succotash moon: createspace guy gets me all hot and bothered and I mess my words up
Ritt: creatspace ad guy looks like he won't sleep at night if he forgets to TiVo Lost while meeting with publishers
succotash moon: createspace ad guy's T-shirt cost 50 dollars
succotash moon: createspace ad guy owns a hybrid but rides public transportation for inspiration
succotash moon: createspace ad guy TOTALLY got shut out of the good SXSW shows this year!!
succotash moon: createspace ad guy's gradutation thesis was on the musical stylings of Jandek
Ritt: creatspace ad guy liberally applies two layers of facial sanitizer a day
damien_mayfair: createspace ad guy moisturizes.
Ritt: and brushes his teeth in gentle circular motions rather than rough back and forth
succotash moon: Whoa...I am having deja-vu
succotash moon: Has this creatspace ad guy coversation happened before?!?!
succotash moon: Suddenly it all seemed very familier
succotash moon: Am I freaking out?!
Ritt: createspace ad guy hypnotized you
succotash moon: I think I am losing my mind...
succotash moon: I know this is not the first time createspace ad guy has been a topic for discussion...
succotash moon: I just fucking know it...
damien_mayfair: ritt, you may have a new father.
succotash moon: Ritt has too many daddys as it is!!
Ritt: createspace ad guy.....might be my father?!?
succotash moon: It was the blazer, honey...I just couldn't fight his charm, he had tickets to Wilco!!
nathaniel parker: who the hell are you talking about?
Ritt: Creatspace ad guy saw damien mayfair's 1,000 recipes to cook with children cookbook...and thought it unethical
Ritt: creatspace ad guy tries to remain neutral in political discussion
***********************
damien_mayfair: jessica, i want you to meet createspace ad guy.
labelleza: Are you setting me up?
damien_mayfair: he has a sports jacket. moonie may have had him first but she's not sure / conscious back then.
damien_mayfair: so yes.
labelleza: Wait.
labelleza: Am I going to be conscious?
damien_mayfair: that's a silly question. of course not.
labelleza: Well, it's wednesday, I have no plans. Does he have a car?
damien_mayfair: of course he does. he's createspace ad guy. he probably has *two* cars.
damien_mayfair: oh... and he maybe ritt's father, just so you know.
labelleza: I think I like createspace ad guy.
nathaniel parker: you people are fucking bonkers.
succotash moon: createspace ad guy totally has women issues...
succotash moon: especially with that blazer on!
Ritt: createspace ad guy looks like he dumps his coffee out if too much cream in it, and likes his sandwhiches cut in traingle halves
Ritt: creatspace ad guy looks like his day is ALL fucked up if the toilet backs up.
succotash moon: creatspace ad guy is wifi'ing at the tully's right this very second...
succotash moon: ...and writing his new novel, of course
succotash moon: createspace ad guy just KNOWS his stories are good enough got This American Life
succotash moon: for, not got
damien_mayfair: not home yet. createspace ad guy's probably home now.
succotash moon: createspace guy gets me all hot and bothered and I mess my words up
Ritt: creatspace ad guy looks like he won't sleep at night if he forgets to TiVo Lost while meeting with publishers
succotash moon: createspace ad guy's T-shirt cost 50 dollars
succotash moon: createspace ad guy owns a hybrid but rides public transportation for inspiration
succotash moon: createspace ad guy TOTALLY got shut out of the good SXSW shows this year!!
succotash moon: createspace ad guy's gradutation thesis was on the musical stylings of Jandek
Ritt: creatspace ad guy liberally applies two layers of facial sanitizer a day
damien_mayfair: createspace ad guy moisturizes.
Ritt: and brushes his teeth in gentle circular motions rather than rough back and forth
succotash moon: Whoa...I am having deja-vu
succotash moon: Has this creatspace ad guy coversation happened before?!?!
succotash moon: Suddenly it all seemed very familier
succotash moon: Am I freaking out?!
Ritt: createspace ad guy hypnotized you
succotash moon: I think I am losing my mind...
succotash moon: I know this is not the first time createspace ad guy has been a topic for discussion...
succotash moon: I just fucking know it...
damien_mayfair: ritt, you may have a new father.
succotash moon: Ritt has too many daddys as it is!!
Ritt: createspace ad guy.....might be my father?!?
succotash moon: It was the blazer, honey...I just couldn't fight his charm, he had tickets to Wilco!!
nathaniel parker: who the hell are you talking about?
Ritt: Creatspace ad guy saw damien mayfair's 1,000 recipes to cook with children cookbook...and thought it unethical
Ritt: creatspace ad guy tries to remain neutral in political discussion
***********************
damien_mayfair: jessica, i want you to meet createspace ad guy.
labelleza: Are you setting me up?
damien_mayfair: he has a sports jacket. moonie may have had him first but she's not sure / conscious back then.
damien_mayfair: so yes.
labelleza: Wait.
labelleza: Am I going to be conscious?
damien_mayfair: that's a silly question. of course not.
labelleza: Well, it's wednesday, I have no plans. Does he have a car?
damien_mayfair: of course he does. he's createspace ad guy. he probably has *two* cars.
damien_mayfair: oh... and he maybe ritt's father, just so you know.
labelleza: I think I like createspace ad guy.
nathaniel parker: you people are fucking bonkers.
I was about to say this should be in the INactual Conversations thread, but nevermind! If you'd made it up you'd all look less silly.
The thing about how he had a blazer and tickets to Wilco still makes me laugh.
There is hope, but not for us.
Dan: i really like reminiscing with people
Me: i do too!
Me: one day, you & i will be sitting in someones basement. eating sour worms. talking to strangers. watching bad movies. and we'll be like "hey...remember that lame dude tried to tell you online that you were flirting with me?" "cha...he was SO lame. i mean, REALLY."
Me: hahaha
Me: i like to preminisce, if you will. [;
Dan: oh shit
Dan: preminisce
Me: i think i made up a word!
Dan: thats fucking genius
This just happened. [:
Dude: What are you doing?
Me: Surfing the Cult duh.
"Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in the event, who wants one?"
"I do," Dunbar told him.
"Why?" Clevinger asked.
"What else is there?"
- Catch 22
Me: i do too!
Me: one day, you & i will be sitting in someones basement. eating sour worms. talking to strangers. watching bad movies. and we'll be like "hey...remember that lame dude tried to tell you online that you were flirting with me?" "cha...he was SO lame. i mean, REALLY."
Me: hahaha
Me: i like to preminisce, if you will. [;
Dan: oh shit
Dan: preminisce
Me: i think i made up a word!
Dan: thats fucking genius
This just happened. [:
I must have been drunk, I don't remember saying any of that.
What makes you so special?"
"I know how to beatbox.
*Boo Buh Choo Boo Boo Buh Choo WeEh Wekeh Wee*
Me: Santa DOES exist. Though he's highly over glamorized. He's nothing but a pedophile who's an expert at breaking and entering and he is a giant supporter of slave labor.
What an asshole.
Girl: Haha, that's horrible. I don't believe you anyway, I met him. We're cool but he said you'd say something like that. Just because he never got you anything doesn't mean you have to spread scandalous lies about him.
Me: Oh he gave me something alright. Id rather not talk about it though, my therapist says it's best to not let everyone know 
(
Girl: He said you'd say that too. You deserved it, your parents divorced because of you, and everytime you touch yourself jesus kills a kitten.
Me: Oh...oh wow. I didnt even know my parents were divorced
Oh and the whole killing a kitten thing is bullshit because they would have been extinct by now
*sigh*
Girl: The kitten statistic might be a bit.... off. And made up.
Me: You wouldnt lie to me. you love me too much.
Right?
Girl: At least as much as santa does....
German: Alexa, why are you here? You don't have a penis.
Me: You have a penis in your ass.
German: Oooh. You got me.
Girl: Like, like... like, like... etc.
Me: Mmmmhmmmm, 34.
Girl: What?
Me: Nothing. Now, what were you saying?
Looks like Spunck's life is dull and pointless.
Not you.
(:
I was at work, really pissed. Hadn't slept much lately and very run down, three hours sleep in the day and its now one in the morning. My friend and I were working on displays at the end aisles, something irregular which pissed me off, plus we had to work with the managers which is a drag. He was sorting through a skid on a trailer in the loading dock, and I was sneaking a cigar deeper into the trailer. He probably couldn't see me from his end and all I saw from my end was the bright light that shines halfway into the trailer.
Dan: You mad cause I'm not helping you?
Tyler: No, Adam is helping me. He's in a better mood.
Dan: Am I bringing you down?
Tyler: *jokingly* No no, I'm used to it.
Dan: Oh, come on.
Tyler: You're always in a feeble mood.
(everyone at work says and yells in a Ukraine accent: FEEBLE!)
Dan: Not before today. Have I? Today I'm just feeling the rage, man. The old rage.
Tyler: You know what? You have brought me down ever since you just started getting thin.
Dan: Oh, fuck off.
Tyler: It's true. Fat Dan was more fun. And your head is too big for your body now. You look like a pez dispenser.
nicole: why do you hate me?
me: are you sure you want to know?
nicole: yes
me: are you really sure?
nicole: yes
me: it's because I love you and you'd never give me a chance at something real
nicole: *laughs* you don't love me. you don't even know me.
me: I know you a little too well
nicole: so, you'd really rather have me not talk to you anymore?
me: yes, yes I would.
nicole: fine
let's hope she keeps her promise.
A man chooses. A slave obeys.
a conversation my brother had with me a few days ago. my brother opened my door and began...
brother: wanna get drunk?
me: no
brother: youre gay
me: i just woke up
brother: what else do you have to do?
me: i dont know, take a shower maybe
brother: why!?
me: fuck, i dont know, havent even brushed me teeth yet
brother: you dont need to brush your teeth if youre drunk
me: thats true. what dyou have?
brother: what?
me: to drink. what are you, retarded?
brother: i dont have any booze, you need to get some
me: youre an idiot
at which point i rolled over and decided to sleep some more
hey!
why is everything italicized!?
i wasnt dream talking or using strange inflection for an entire conversation.
[EDIT] still italics!
Problem solved. Well, for future comments, anyway.
Oh really?
barista: what can i get for you?
girl: i'd like two teabags...
me: *snicker*