Actual conversations...

"Are we drinking tonight?"
"It's Wednesday!"

I can't remember if I posted that in here already, but I just remembered it again.

[QUOTE=Writeneverwrong;1109334]Where in the hell do you work? This is hysterical. I might just have to use it...in something.
[/QUOTE]

I work in a supermarket. :lmao:

This is an exert from an msn conversation I had last night that I amused me (and only me) beyond belief:

Julia says:
Ugh, I got my hair cut and it looks funny

Ethan says:
Sexy funny...
Like clown porn?

It's paraphrased, but that's basically it.

I had a guy tell me a joke today and he forgot to tell me the most important part of the joke other than the punchline, but a part vital to the understanding of the punchline. I happened to have already heard the joke, so I understood when he told the punchline that made zero sense in the realm of that conversation, and I laughed anyway to keep him from looking like an idiot. Did he go back to work and think, wait a minute, I didn't tell him the joke right and he still laughed? Did he think I was an idiot? Is he an idiot?

I asked him what you call two dykes in a canoe. Fur traders. A black angel, a bat. He asked me how you make her scream twice. Fuck her in the ass, take it out, and whipe it on the curtains. He goes, "What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?" and I say, "Nothing, you already told her twice," and then he said, "How do you call a dog with no legs or arms?" and I thought, dogs don't have arms anyway, is that part of this? And I said, "How?" and he said, "Why bother? He's not gonna come," and then he said one I actually really really laughed at, but I forget it of course, and then he said about a guy in a truck and he sees a kid and he goes, "Hey kid, I'll give you half a bag of candy if you come in the truck," and then he said the kid said, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag!"

The really funny joke was either about an old lady's snatch or beastiality. Both came up in conversation. He's a coke fiend.

[QUOTE=xec8;1001089]That reminds me of a conversation from the only time I went to a strip club:

Stripper: Hi.
Phil: Hello.
Stripper: How you are?
Phil: You sound Russian.
Stripper: I am Ukrainian.
Phil: Ah. Paka. Cagdilla?
Stripper: Haracho.
Phil: Gdie maya sabaka? Ya nye znayou.
Stripper: You speak Russian very good.
Phil: Thank you. Can I help you?
Stripper: I can help you.
Phil: I see.
Stripper: You buy me champagne?
Phil: I'd rather buy you a beer.
Stripper: No, you think I'm pretty?
Phil: I suppose.
Stripper: Then you buy me champagne, okay? We have fun.
Phil: Look, all I can afford is a beer. And I don't want to buy someone else a beer, because frankly you're making me want to drink. If I buy you champagne, which, remember, I cannot afford, then I suppose the next step will be you taking me by the hand and leading me to a private booth, where you will "entertain" me.
Stripper: So?
Phil: I don't want to be entertained right now. And I can't afford champagne. That stuff is 300 $. I have about 7 $. And, come on, I know we're the only customers here, but you don't need to try this every chance you get, right?
Stripper: So you no buy me champagne?
Phil: Nope, I will not buy you champagne. This date isn't going very well, is it.
Stripper: What? You speak too fastly.
Phil: Okay, look. No champagne, no sex, no conversation, okay? Let me be that grumpy customer you're expected to avoid. Anyways, you could buy [I]me [/I]some champagne, since you're so eager to have a few sips.
Stripper: I don't want so much champagne.
Phil: Then you see where I'm coming from.

This is a pretty accurate transcription.[/QUOTE]
I'd forgotten all about this!

Cat:  Mrrrrrowwww

Nightrious: Fuck off and die.

Just a tad harsh?

I've spent the last half hour re-reading this thread. Worth it.

(Laughing and joking around with friends I see a really cute girl in our group I had never met before)

(After some goofing around)

Dude in group: "...But I would never have sex with men. Never. I will never go gay ever."

(I turn to the girl I'd never met)

Me: "You know, if I weren't gay, you would so be mine right now."

(she giggles)

(I whisper loudly to my friend enough for the girl to hear:) "I'm not  gay."

she giggles again.

That's all I can think of.

2001, a young, fat Nightrious walking at the train tracks with Trevor, or Ted, or Trisha or something. Not actual dialogue, but probably close:

Fiend: What the fuck...?

T: Trans-Canada trail?

Fiend: That's bullshit. They can't fence off the tracks. Everybody cuts through here.

T: Who needs a trail across Canada anyway? That's the most boring trail on the planet.

Fiend: That sounds pretty cool actually. We should walk this trail sometime.

T: I'm never walking this trail.

Fiend: You don't know that.

T: Yes I do. I'm never going to walk it.

Fiend: Don't say that! You might change your mind someday.

T:  That's it, I'm making it my life long goal to never walk the Trans-Canada trail.

The other day, a badass Nightrious and T, driving home from work.

T: I'm gonna make it my goal in life to piss [the manager] off as much as possible.

Fiend: I thought your goal in life was to never walk the Trans-Canada trail?

T: Yeah, well... That's obviously never gonna happen.

I always liked this thread.  I have something to contribute now too. So I was at the doctors a few hours ago....

Me: Sore throat, fever, ummmm my head hurts....

Doctor: How long has this been going on? Did you go to school today?

Me: About a week. I went to school but I left early.

Doctor: Have you exchanged saliva with anyone recently?

Me: Ummmmm....

Doctor: I'm just kidding! But I do think you have a form of mono, I don't really care how you got it though.

Me: So does that mean I don't have to go to class tomorrow?

Doctor: Well to be honest the worst is over and you've been going to school.... so I would just suggest you don't let anyone come in contact with your saliva. You know.... drinking after you.... and stuff.

My doctor is cuban. Like a cigar. And I have a monolike infection in my throat. This entire day is cracking me up.

 a week or so ago, 

Andre: fuck, i fucked up the blunt!

me: oh no! emergency!

Andre: calm your nipples down alexa.

me:.........

Wow, you can recite PUA material.

Argh, are you that girl who introduced herself by saying she hated reading and was dull and unoriginal?  If you're not, I bet you two would get along.  If you are, well I suppose you already do... get along... with... yourself.

Wow, you can quote someone who can recite PUA material.

My only point is: most people do not have the balls to say stuff like that. It makes me feel good that I have can have the confidence to say stuff like that. So why must you bust my chops?

A conversation from class yesterday. It went on for a while before this.

Student- So is this your full time job?

Teacher- This is my only class. I have...

Student- Whats your net income?

Teacher- Not nearly enough but...

Student- Its enough for the booze though.

Teacher- Oh yeah, of course.

Student- What else do you do?

Teacher- Im a journalist, I work at a restaraunt, and I clean peoples houses

Student- How old are your kids?

Teacher- My son's 9 1/2 and my daughters 12 1/2

Student-  Are you on any medications

Teacher- Im on a lot of medications

Student- Do you take Lexapro for Depression?

Teacher- No...

Student- Thats too bad... Are you on birth control?

Teacher- No....

Student- Is your daughter?

Teacher- *gasp* No!

Student- I notice you never wear short sleeves, did you have a needle problem?

Teacher- Thats it. Everybody out. Class is over.

Me- Are Jewish people minorities?

Casey-  Yeah, ever since the holocuast.

Me- Wow.

I also have many conversations about what would happen if we were to blow up the moon.  It has been concluded that it would cause the earhts axis to shift, making the ice caps to move and melt, raising the sea level and ocean temperatures.  It would bring about a whole mess of problems.  What I really want to know though, is how it would affect out tides.  I can never figure out if we wouldn't have any, or if they would be really violent.

no i'm not that girl, i have no idea who you're talking about i just registered. i love to read, mmkay. 

This isn't a conversation, but I walked by one of the Business classrooms today and overheard a teacher shout "NO!  NO, you will SIT over THERE and THAT will be your SEAT from now until DOOMSDAY!!!"

I love having roomates
-----------------------------------------

Me: So i read most of the book allready, definitley much better than the Gunslinger. Dude you dont mind if i use your computer when your not here right?

Nathan: So you got to the part were they start blowing eachother

Me: no but i did get to the part were i fuck your cat in the ass and make her shit all over your laundry

Nathan: Ah the classiest part of the whole novella

-------------------------------------------------------

Family

-------------------------------------------------------

Me: So what did you think of the movie eih?

Mom: it was...different, were do you find out about all these movies

Me: I dunno you just sort of get a nack for that kinda shi..err stuff

Mom: was that guy gay, you know the brittish guy

Me: which one they were all brittish, and no no one i know of was gay in that one

Mom: you know its ok if he was gay, and you know its ok if you are

Me: Why does everything come down to sexual identity? Im not and its frustrating  that you constantly bring this shit up anytime i show you anything im really into.

Mom: Well what the hell am i supposed to think you dont date & you are secretive as hell about what you do and were you go

Me: In all honesty im not hiding shit, im not even getting laid...you think i would be this miserable if i was getting laid? I think you are avoiding the more obvious answer; i am completely and totally socially inept

Mom: Inept?

Me: Inept
Mom: Well what ever, im sorry i brought it up. When you are ready to talk you know were to go.

--------------------------------------------

On the phone to my Mum:

Mum:  Dad's going to Geneva, for work, I might go too if we have the money.

Dad shouts from the background:  Pookie!  Do you have 5 thousand dollars you can lend us?

Me:  Did Dad just ask me for five thousand dollars?

Mum:  Yes.

Me:  Is he serious?

Mum:  I think he might be.

Me:  I don't fucking beleive it!  He earns like at least three time more than I do! 

Mum:  Shhhhh.

Me: Aaaaagh!  Why on earth would he think I would have that kind of money?

Mum: I know. Shhhh.

 mom: so...where's wal-mart?

me: next to red robin

mom: where?

me: next to red robin.

mom: oh. ok.

(directly across from wal-mart at a stop sign.)

mom: well, where's wal-mart?!

me: right there.

mom: that says satisfaction guaranteed.

A sincere slice of confusion?  Or a funny, funny attempt at covering up?  I may never know!

Either way, Alexa's a great name because backwards, it's Axela.  Axelarate your breath.  Axelarated learning.  Axelatera (like et cetera but more muddled).

Argh, are you that girl who's always around displaying grandiosity and accusing people of being others when she doesn't know the person at all? If you're not, i bet you two would get along. 

Have a nice day, if you don't like what I have to say--stop responding. 

Dude, back off of Adelheid.  She's cool, trust me; she wears pajama pants in public.  C'mon.

No, keep going! I enjoy watching underlings squirm.

P.S. Actually, pretty soon when she's my secretary, she WILL be my underling. Jubilations!

Oh, I quit that job when you started asking MARVIN to clean your desk.  Fuck Marvin!  I could beat him at a desk clean-off any day but fuck son you can HAVE him, asshole.  I resign as secretary because I'm moving up the ladder of life babe, I'm going to be an Administrative Assistant now!

We get along great, thanks. 

Anyway I think you took it a little too harshly.  Of course I don't know you, you've posted like, eight times.  In your welcome thread, you mentioned having joined before.  And you guys seemed similar at first.  Prove me wrong and all, stick around. 

And I'm not going to just stop responding if someone says something I don't like.  Nobody does that!  Case in point: you responded to what I said, even though you didn't like it..

Look, if you're not that other girl, I totally apologise.  I tried to demonstrate apology by spelling your name backwards several times.  I am not very good at saying "sorry".

If you're confident enough to say stuff like that, which I am too, then you should be confident enough to have someone bust your chops without getting upset.

Hmm....

I'm sorry if I appeared upset.

From the dinner party type thing my parents are having upstairs right now:

Obnoxious Woman Who Talks About Her Kid Too Much:  This one time, Fynn almost ate a whole veggie burger!  But we tried to give him a real burger and he wouldn't have it.  What was up, eh?!  But he loves eggs.  He absolutely love love loves eggs.  He would eat eggs all day if he could.  Some people complain that their kids don't like eggs.  My kid LOVES eggs.

Me:  [stifled laughter]

My Sister: [looks at me, bursts into hysterical giggles]

Later...

Asian Man:  [somethinsomething] my son Dylan? [somethingsomething] at your school and [something something] drugs and [something something].

Asian Woman [wife of Asian Man]:  Is he ok?  [something somethingsomething] mugging!  [somethingsomethingsomething] homework [somethingsomethingsomething].

Me:  Oh!  Yeah, I think I heard about that.

[Asian Man and Asian Woman go away]

My Sister:  Did you understand what they were saying.

Me:  No.

Finally me and my sister escaped to the living room, when Fynn barges in and starts touching stuff.  He picked up a coaster and I shouted "Stop, thief!" To no avail.  I am one coaster poorer than I once was.  Then, randomly -

My Sister:  What does 'multiple orgasms' mean?

Me:  More than one orgasm.

My Sister:  What's an orgasm?

Me:  The climax of sex.

My Sister:  What's a climax.

Me:  Like the most intense part.

My Sister:  Why don't boys have orgasms?

Me:  They do.

My Sister:  Oh.  Good.

Me:  Did you just say "good"??

My Sister:  Yeah.

How old is your sister?

Thirteen.

My older brother would never tell me anything when I was that age. I always had to find out from kids at school.

He'd always tell me, "It's something for women's boobs." It ticked me off at the time.

me: if you really had to pee, why didn't you just get the key from me instead of pissing all over yourself?

her: i don't know. my mind was really cloudy at that point.

10pm  pulled up at dunkin donuts and a friend is there

calvin: and i said rah rah bitch rah rah!

me: your mom chased you down the street?

calvin: yeah, and i said rah rah bitch rah rah!

billy: you're fucked up.

calvin: did i call a taxi? i must've because i did.

me: want a ride?

calvin: i think i called for a taxi, AH i don't want this coffee fuck it! (throws coffee into bush)....nooo i wanted it!

he was on something for sure and when we drove off he was standing on a light post spinning around saying "I'm singin' in the rain just singin' in the rain!"

I don't get it.

I think it'd be pretty cool to be Clara's little sister. Speaking of Claras..... we forgot to pick up swedish Clara that goes to my school. AGAIN.

Me: Your phone is ringing.
Liz: Oh. Four missed calls..... OH SHIT CLARA!

I was half an hour late to first period. And Clara isn't speaking to either of us, but she'll get over it. I'm buying her love back tomorrow with donuts.

And a bit later in my Health & Wellness class.

Some Guy Leaning Casually Against A Desk Humming: What a pretty day.
Some Girl: Hey MIKE. I love you.
Guy: Yeah, thanks.
Girl: Well. I'm looking forward to the dance tonight. Good bye.
Me: Hey MIKE. Who was that?
Guy: Oh no one. So what are you doing tonight?
Me: Well I really want to go to that dance. I hear it is going to be great....
Guy: Yeah, well maybe we can hook up* or something** ya know.
Me: I don't think so.

WILD APPLAUSE***.

*slang for sexing

**slang for drugging

***not really

We played rock paper scissers for who got to play Stupid Slut and Smart Slut. We wrote Silly Sally and Brainy Janey on the paper though. I don't even know what the fuck kind of lesson we learned doing that. I guess don't be whore. Or don't hit on a girl when your girlfriend is standing 10 feet away. Or my god, we need more time to write these things.

Hey Jessica, this is the exact opposite oh what you tell me never happens to you.  Stop the lying.  haha I loved the footnotes.

I put more effort into that than I just put in my english homework.   And "Mike" very much had the hots for me.  To bad he's like.... 14. 

fuck.

What are you doing hanging around 14 year old Mikes?

He's a freshmen I guess.  I don't how old he is, or his real name, but Mike and 14 seem to fit him.

One child has taken to saying things are "Very dramatic."

He was playing a game with another child, like a chasing and falling over pretending to be dead kind of game. 

The child in front of him falls down

Child:  That's very dramtic!  It's sooo dramatic.

They get up and run around again.

They both fall down again, and pretend to die very loudly.

Child:  Hey Sarah!  It's so dramatic isn't it?

Me:  Oh yes very melodratic.

Child:  Yes it's marshmallow dramatic.

This conversation happened a little while ago with two of my coworkers.

Agro-Cop: What the fuck!

Me: What?

Agro-Cop: Are these the only paperclips we have?

Helmet Hair Cop: What kind of paperclips do you need?

Agro-Cop: I need a big paperclip!

Me: Using a big paperclip on your report still won't make up for your small penis.

Helmet Hair Cop: Hahahaha!

Agro-Cop: Grrrr.

Me: Hehehe.

Had another person not been in there, he probably would've killed me. Had another person not been in there, I probably wouldn't have made that joke.

Me: Hey, do you remember that little Chinese restaurant  in Mountain View?

        You know that one in down town...next to the tea place....

        That little..shit in the hole?

A.P: That's a hole in the wall.

Me: Oh.....

I have those slip-ups with expressions all the time!  I told someone the other day to "Keep up a stiff upper chin!"

A friend of mine once fell off a curb and when someone asked her if she was okay, she replied manically, "Oh yeah, I was just walking like nothing was anything!"

Friend: hey, your brother is looking older!

Other friend: he's not a boy anymore. he's a man anymore.

Three little kids outside two of them talking about the third

little kid one: hey whats wrong your not smiling

little kid two: she doesnt smile she has a thingy that makes her bones not smile

Little kid one: ohhh (as if it all makes sence now)