Actual conversations...

Anthony is a smart man.

We have a classmate who smells and always wears the same clothes. He's also a bit schizo and talks to himself.

We need those converstions.

His conversations with himself? I don't listen, he looks like the kind of guy who'd stab you if you stared.

You don't have to look at someone to listen to them.

Yeah, this is useless information unless you're willing to collect data.

You can't listen to him unless you're really close. I suppose it's about choices for translation and whatever else we do in class. We try to keep away, because once he shouted in class when we heard a beggar out in the street. He just looked at the window and screamed 'SHUT UP!'

You had a black ass hahaha! Not the good kind either. You could even say you had a Black & Yellow ass... I'm horrible at telling jokes.

My friend has no nose!
How does he smell?
TERRIBLE!

I did. Or a very dirty one. There's no way of knowing at this point really.

Wait. Are you joking? Or are you telling me about your friend's tragic life?

I'm scared to react.

Now we need the anatomy of a nose!

After discovering Issy had a wet diaper:
me-Didn't you say that the baby is wet, earlier? Why didn't you change her?

j-She's wet?

me-Why didn't you change her?

j-I asked her if she wanted to be changed. She said, "No."

me-...

Sister: Hey, touch my hair when I make it do this.
Me: Whoa, I feel like I have another brother.
Sister: Yeah!
Me: Okay, now touch mine.
Sister: Whoa, I feel like I have a horse.

Then she plucked my eyebrows while she half watched and I listened to Spiderman.

Me: Are you done? How does it look?
Sister: It looks... okay, just remember, your eyebrows are sisters, not twins.
Me: No! I hate it when you say that! Fix them!
Sister: At this point, the best thing I could do is make the pretty sister look more like the ugly sister. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Me: ...
Sister: Hello?
Me: I'm thinking.

Oh no.

I let my sister give me makeup make over a couple weeks ago.

that is as far as i am willing to let her go.

I am still tying to wash the glitter off.

On the bright side, my sister is finally happy admitting to her girliness. never was a thing she would admit before, now at 31 she has finally given in, and is doing her worst to drag me down the same dark path...

You can't ever wash glitter off. It's like getting a tattoo except it moves around to places only other people can see.

Because of work I have glitter on me at all times.

Hilarious Jessica
Both conversations. You could easily be do stand up comedy. Or at least be a writer for a good tv show.

Very sweet. But that was all my sister. If I post a conversation here, it will probably be funny but it will also probably be mostly someone else talking. I'm really the least funny person I know. Which is fantastic. Everyone entertains me and I give them nothing in return. It's a pretty good gig.

You are far too humble. And since your friends and family are that funny, then you would definitely be at home in a comedy troupe.

Also you are a pixie.

Well, yeah.

So, there’s this tacohut I go to because Awesome. The woman who owns the place, takes the orders, does the coking, and presumably everything else is Consuela from Family Guy.

A typical transaction goes more or less like this one did today.

Abuela: You want?
Me: Um, let’s see... You have tamales today? (‘Cos you gotta get up mofuggin’ early if you want these tamales, guero.)
Abuela: No... No...
Me: Dang. Ooh! Chile rellenos!
Abuela: No... No...
Me: Wow, sold out, too?
Abuela: No... No...
Me: ...
Abuela: I no make.
Me: Ah.
Abuela: Is too much...
Me: Um.
Abuela: Carnitas...
Me: Fish tacos! Two, please.
Abuela: Carnitas...
Me: Ta-Cos... Pescado. Dos.
Abuela: Red or green...
Me: Two fish tacos.
Abuela: Red is hot...
Me: Two...
Abuela: Green is hot...
Me: Fish...
Abuela: Carnitas...
Me: Tacos.
Abuela: Okay...
Me: And a carne asada burrito!
Abuela: ...
Me: And a side of guacamole?
Abuela: No... No...
Me: Do you have guacamole?
Abuela: Si.
Me: Can I have some, please?
Abuela: No... No...
Me: Please?
Abuela: Guacamole is on burrito.
Me: I’ll take it.
Abuela: To drink?
Me: Horchata.
Abuela: Big o small?
Me: (Large is, like, a month’s supply for a small family, so...) Small.

I pay, and seat myself at one of the tables. 15 minutes pass. This is normal because she rings it in at the register, then goes back and cooks it. Finally, she comes to my table carrying my order in a to-go bag.

Abuela: Is ready...
Me: Ah. Um...
Abuela: Thankyougoodbye.

Two carnitas tacos. One carnitas burrito.

They are the best ever.

I need to experience this place.

I want all of that food.

She knows what you want better than you do. My mom was the same way.

This is why is go there.

Aside from awesome, I mean.

She made me take chilaquiles last time. I didn't even know what chilaquiles was!

Holy crap, this was beautiful. Universal truth right there.

Child: Lucy's nose is crawling!
T: You mean it's running running?
C: No, crawling. She needs a tissue.

Yesterday:

Lily comes into my room showing off her newest skill she learned from having so many boys in her life- making armpit farts.

Lily: *fart fart fart* hahahah mom! Check out how great I can make my armpit fart! *fart fart fart*

Pep: Oooooh. Wow. I see.

Lily: *fart fart fart* Can you do it mom?!

Pep: Well, not as good as you can that is for sure.

Lily: Oh! I should moon walk and armpit fart at the same time!

(I've been teaching her how to moon walk)

Lily: *moon walks across the room while armpit farting the whole time*

Pep: you are so talented.

Lily: I SHOULD ENTER THE TALENT SHOW!!!!!!!!

Man, that's not even fair to the other children.

She would out shine them all. Take the show.

With that cute face and smart head of hers, she sure would.

Me: I have to beat this man, do you believe in me?
James: I believe you!
Me: That's not the same thing! Believe in me!

I don't believe that you beat him.

this(video game(super mario wii))

Two cute kids were playing together, at work today.

me-Hey, what are you guys playing? Looks like fun!
girl-We are playing skeltons are people too. And anal.
me- ...okay. *turns back and covers mouth laughing*

I'm 100% positive she was trying to say angels. She was barely 4.

Anals are people too.

I had a bizarre conversation with a kid at work today.

Kid: I have a Ghostie, it goes to bed with me and I smell it in the morning.
Me: Oh, is Ghostie a toy?
K: No, it's a Ghostie. Ghostie is smelly.
Me: Does it smell good smelly or bad smelly?
K: Me smelly.

Ghostie is a fart, obiesly.

Hah! Ghostie the fart.
Poor Casper, no wonder he can never find any cool ghost friends.

Phone call:

Secretary: We're going to have to cancel your appointment on Thursday. It's a holiday.
Me: Did you know that when I made the appointment?
Secretary: I can't answer that, sir.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you, sir."

Grouchy Professor (really aggressively): Hey. You. You and I need to get a drink some night.
Me (frightened): Okay.

About 4 hours later.

Me: ...did he ask me out?
Helpful Classmate: Uh... yeah.
Me: I thought he was mad at me and wanted to fight off campus.

About 44 hours later.

Me: Are we dating?
Grouchy Professor: You wish. And please don't ever ask me that again.

He actually just wants to talk about my academic future. I think he wants to be my mentor. It's pretty much the only good thing that has happened to me in a long time. My life needs help.

I hope Grouchy Professor is not the one that has you afflicted with with the horrid limerence.

I like him.

Hahaha. No.

I like him too. Dude looks like a biker and has badass sleeve tattoos. They're mostly very dorky comic book scenes though.

I like him too.

Yeah he seems cool!
I hate my university, I hate both the ones I've been to. The lecturers are all so needy and unimpressive.

me: do you like my earrings?
husband: yeah, they look like oil wells!

I'm tellin' ya' - There's oil in dem there ears!
We're rich!!
Whoopie!