Actual conversations...
I just don't care for Casey. His voice and look...something about him annoys me. I don't like Ben much more either. Can't say I don't enjoy their movies though.
I like weirdos and Casey is a weirdo. His characters are always hilarious or weird as shit.
The conversation as it was relayed to me a week ago:
New Guy at Work {NGAW}: (jumps up) I am a guitar God!
James: Huh?
NGAW: Yeah, I just got a guitar and I am a God.
James: that's cool. I'm learning the bass.
NGAW: You have a bass?!
James: yeah.
NGAW: You Have To Come Jam With Us!
James:...
NGAW: We need a bassist. I play the guitar and my roommate is on drums. You should join our band!
James:... I don't have any formal, or informal for that matter, training. I just mess around with it.
NGAW: That's cool. Neither do we. We all learned the scales in E and that is what we are jamming out to.
James: okay. Awesome. haha
NGAW: That is it. You are our bassist, come jam with us, then we will set up practice times.
James: Okay. What ware we called?
NGAW: AssButt!
James: Well, that is convienent. I happen to have an innate talent to improve any song into a song about butts and poop, as well make up songs about butts and poop. The kids love it. The wife... not so much.
NGAW: We are going on tour this spring.
So James is now the Bassist, possibly singer, for AssButt. No jam session have happened yet. But, after an exactly the wrong moment knock on our bedroom door this morning it seems the first song that will be written will be called 'Interrupted Orgasm'.
I hope I am not required to wear AssButt Tshirts...
New Guy at Work {NGAW}: (jumps up) I am a guitar God!
James: Huh?
NGAW: Yeah, I just got a guitar and I am a God.
James: that's cool. I'm learning the bass.
NGAW: You have a bass?!
James: yeah.
NGAW: You Have To Come Jam With Us!
James:...
NGAW: We need a bassist. I play the guitar and my roommate is on drums. You should join our band!
James:... I don't have any formal, or informal for that matter, training. I just mess around with it.
NGAW: That's cool. Neither do we. We all learned the scales in E and that is what we are jamming out to.
James: okay. Awesome. haha
NGAW: That is it. You are our bassist, come jam with us, then we will set up practice times.
James: Okay. What ware we called?
NGAW: AssButt!
James: Well, that is convienent. I happen to have an innate talent to improve any song into a song about butts and poop, as well make up songs about butts and poop. The kids love it. The wife... not so much.
NGAW: We are going on tour this spring.
So James is now the Bassist, possibly singer, for AssButt. No jam session have happened yet. But, after an exactly the wrong moment knock on our bedroom door this morning it seems the first song that will be written will be called 'Interrupted Orgasm'.
I hope I am not required to wear AssButt Tshirts...
We heard it here first folks!
I'll be the first fan and I will chant AssButt where ever I go. Because fuck interrupted orgasms and poop shit ass!
I'd suggest a change to The Cheeks, to make it more wife-friendly.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Assbutt Liked On Facebook.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
"Owen Hart died ya know."
"He did?"
"Yut! Couple years ago! He was walkin' around on the ropes up there mindin' his own business and he slipped and fell and broke his neck."
"Oh, man."
"Yut!"
Owen Hart's death hit me kind of hard as a kid.
On the way to school yesterday morning:
Me: Hey, look...the cows are out again.
Anthony: They look older now.
Me: Yeah.
Anthony: I bet they don't say MOOOOOO right now.
Me: Why not?
Anthony: They go MEEEEEHHHH, because they're teenager cows. That's what Giancarlo would say if he were a cow.
Hahaha your kid rocks.
Yeah, he's pretty great 
That's a good one.
Soooo hilarious.
God, that's great. Well done, Anthony. He reminds me of my little cousin Andrew. Same kind of build, brains and sense of humor.
Daddy (comes into room): Whatcha watching?
TV Announcer: We'll be right back with The Rise of the Third Reich...
Daddy: Nonono, turn off the Hitler show.
Izzy: What's so bad about Hitler?
Daddy: ...
Daddy: OFF!
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Aaaaawwww!!!
TV Announcer: We'll be right back with The Rise of the Third Reich...
Daddy: Nonono, turn off the Hitler show.
Izzy: What's so bad about Hitler?
Daddy: ...
Daddy: OFF!
Quite a few things...
I keep trying to make a joke about how letting her watch it would have solved the problem of explaining why Hitler was so bad, but it keeps coming out like I'm calling the parenting judgement wrong so this is me saying there is a funny joke about all that in my head that I can't seem to figure out how to properly communicate with confidence. um, yeah.
This discussion I just had today with an old HS flame. We are FB friends and she uploads this really old pic of her from HS and states it was from Halloween as she was dressed all goth. I "like" the pic because my freakish memory remembers this outfit and day quite well. So she calls me out and tags me.
J: Zach! U actually knew me then! This is when I lived in BHC.
Z: I remember that girl and that Halloween.
Then hours pass so I add.
Z: I think you moved shortly after.
J: I don't think I remember what we did that Halloween.
J: Wow you have a memory like an Elephant, don't you?
Z: Its a blessing and a curse. I remember everything, even placing in the costume contest with that stupid Grim Reaper mask.
J: hahaha I think I remember that costume! OMG hey where did we go that night?
J: Did you remember "Lend Me a Tenor"?
Z: How could I forget. Best Play Evarrr..lol
Backstory: Well I had a huge crush on this chick like forever in HS. This particular day she finds out, makes out with me in front of my friends(to embarrass me as a joke supposedly but it backfired) then we made out the whole day and we went back to my place and had sex for like 3 days. I had lost track of how many times we did it. Then the next week she was in the play "lend Me a Tenor" and we had sex in the dressing room during rehearsals. The next week she moved and I never heard from her again until this year. And that is how I lost my virginity...
“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
J: Zach! U actually knew me then! This is when I lived in BHC.
Z: I remember that girl and that Halloween.
Then hours pass so I add.
Z: I think you moved shortly after.
J: I don't think I remember what we did that Halloween.
J: Wow you have a memory like an Elephant, don't you?
Z: Its a blessing and a curse. I remember everything, even placing in the costume contest with that stupid Grim Reaper mask.
J: hahaha I think I remember that costume! OMG hey where did we go that night?
J: Did you remember "Lend Me a Tenor"?
Z: How could I forget. Best Play Evarrr..lol
Backstory: Well I had a huge crush on this chick like forever in HS. This particular day she finds out, makes out with me in front of my friends(to embarrass me as a joke supposedly but it backfired) then we made out the whole day and we went back to my place and had sex for like 3 days. I had lost track of how many times we did it. Then the next week she was in the play "lend Me a Tenor" and we had sex in the dressing room during rehearsals. The next week she moved and I never heard from her again until this year. And that is how I lost my virginity...
Ha! So how could you forget that day?!
Hrm.
Women tend to move away after I have sex with them as well.
Or get married. Or die. Or become nuns. Or lesbians.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
But has one ever moved away, married Christ, got it on with her fellow cloistered and then been struck dead?
Because maybe you still have something to aim for?
I mean, that'd be really putting a girl in retirement there.
Because maybe you still have something to aim for?
No, but threw me out, became a stripper/porn "star"/junkie, got married, got it on with everybody, and then got dead.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Close enough?
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
I thought you were talking about someone I know for a second, but she's not dead yet.
Actually, I suspect you are talking about someone was more than a fuck, otherwise you would't necessarily know much more after the "thrown out" part. So, I am sorry that happened. That sucks.
Fiend, Outgoing: Yo lemme pick up twenty
Fiendphone, Inbox: No vids right now i call you
BrrrrrinnnnnnNNNG
Fiend: Yo
Dealer: Yo, I haven't got any vids right now or been playin, I'm under house arrest.
Fiend: Ahhh. (I see).
Dealer: [ex-gf] said I broke into her house, sexuallly assaulted her, all sorts of shit.
Fiend: Why did it say surgent on the call display?
Dealer: You hear that echo?
Fiend: No.
Dealer: They got my phone tapped.
Fiend: What you gonna do?
Dealer: My lawyers say--
Fiend: Cause sooner or later they'll have your whole crew. [pause] All we need now is the right word or two. [pause]To make it all stick like glue, then you're through.
Dealer: ....
Fiend: Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Good luck. I gotta go, man.
+50 Fiend Points : Rapping "Phone tap" on a tapped phone.
Happy Ending: I got weed anyway!
Does your phone ring like a lawnmower?
Dude still has a plug-in rotary phone with a real bell. +25 Fiend Points right there.
+100 if he heats his room and cooks his food with kerosine.
No lanterns though; darkness is a Fiend's plaything.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Dan, whatever happened to that video of when Phil came to visit you?
I guess I get +25 Fiend points too.
Pep: (all bundled up, black scarf on head et cetera[pouring rain out] knock on Gabe's door)
Pep: hey. I need you to watch the girls. I have to walk to the store.
Gabriel: Okay burqa lady.
Pep: What? It's raining.
Gabriel: You're wearing a coat with a hood. it's a Carhartt. A Carhartt hood.
Pep: Oh. I didn't think of that. Whatever. I like my scarf.
Gabriel: ...
Pep: Well. Do you want anything from the store?
Gabriel: some chips. Surprise me.
Pep: That it?
Gabriel: Liquid Nitrogen.
Pep: Me too honey. me too.
Gabriel: (blinks) What do you need liquid nitrogen for?
Pep: What do we all need it for? what do you need it for?
Gabriel: (points to wart he is trying to get rid of)
Pep: My needs may be a bit more nefarious than yours.
Gabriel: Of Course. Burqa lady.
My phone rings exactly like a lawnmower rings.
I didn't remove it.
Right, I wasn't claiming you removed it. I was just too lazy to look for it. 
Taking about babies with my mom.
Me (know-it-all mode): Hey, did you guys know that some infants are born with dark spots? They're called Mongolian Spots. They're usually only found on Asian babies so that's why-
Mom: You had that.
Me: I... what?
Mom: Yeah. You totally had that. Your ass was black when you were born.
Me: Is... THAT what you meant when you said that? I thought you were saying I was curvaceous like an African American woman!
Mom: No! Your ass was just purple like someone had kicked it.
Me: How long did I have it?
Mom: Uh... you still have it.
Me: No I don't.
Mom: Yeah you do.
Me: NO. I don't. I know what color my ass is.
Mom: Okay... whatever... the last time I saw it you did. Which was when you were like 5. How would you know if you still had it?
Me: Because I've looked at my butt.
Mom: How?
Me: With... with a mirror...
Mom: Okay...
I double checked later. It's definitely gone. She said she took a picture of it though and I actually really want to see it.
Maybe she just had a mean spankin' swing.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I'm not accusing your mom of abuse, really. I just wanted to say "mean spankin' swing."
Si vis pacem, para bellum
No. Me being Asian is the simplest exploitation.
I meant to say explanation but whatever.
Wasn't I your Asian father at some point?
Si vis pacem, para bellum
You were. That was an awkward day. I believe it was because you have the same nickname as my dad. Chino.
You're Asian? I have no idea who you are.
Nah. That information might have made my surprise a little more understandable.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that one. We were just talking about all the nicknames I've had over the years. The list is long enough that I don't think anyone actually calls me by my real name.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Well Liberum is so formal.
I'd also accept Mr. 69.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Ate dinner out with the family.
Dad: I had a hard time enjoying my meal. The guy at the table next to me smelled like he hadn't bathed in a week.
Mom: I felt bad for his friend. Did you see the guy who had his whole nose removed.
Dad: Yeah! Only his nasal passage was showing.
Me: Aw.. They're perfect for each other! Seriously, if you smell really bad who would make a better friend than someone without a nose?
Dude I do fucking hate when people smell bad in public.
I was nauseaus this afternoon.
Anthony: I made you a drink. It has a tiny- like, a tablespoon- like a teaspoon!- of medicine in it.
Me: Oh, thank you, what kind of medicine?
Anthony: Uhm. Jagermeister.
Dad: I had a hard time enjoying my meal. The guy at the table next to me smelled like he hadn't bathed in a week.
Mom: I felt bad for his friend. Did you see the guy who had his whole nose removed.
Dad: Yeah! Only his nasal passage was showing.
Me: Aw.. They're perfect for each other! Seriously, if you smell really bad who would make a better friend than someone without a nose?
Wouldn't that be worse? He still had a nasal passage. Except there's absolutely nothing to get between them and the disgusting smells.
I'm sorry for ruining you joke. I owe you one.
Opinions are worth discussing, too.
Si vis pacem, para bellum