Actual conversations...

They give the call center people where I work a punching bag. How do you relieve your stress?

He complains a lot but luckily he IS funny (especially when disgruntled). He has funnier stories but they're recent and he probably wasn't supposed to tell ME about them so I'll refrain from telling my internet friends (so hard). Most of my friends are much funnier than me so if anything I've typed here seems amusing, I probably stole it from them, and if I tell them something funny, I probably stole it from you guys (that's why I can't ever let you be in the same room). Also, I don't know why (yeah I do) I wrote "friend" when I should've written "boyfriend" (commitment issues).

I hear that.

That sitcom we allowed them to write about our lives as lovers to each other is going to be so wacky.

Dad: I heard Selena Gomez is making a movie.
Me: Yeah, and she's prancing about half-naked most of the time.
Dad: Really? What movie is that?

Proceed to incontrollable laughter, mum sits there having no clue what was so funny.

You didn't answer the question.

I didn't remember. Now I do, it's Spring Breakers.

Meditation. Breathing. Working out.
...drinking and taking different pills when I feel like I am going to break down and start crying at work. (I have never cried at work just get that feeling)

Oh and you guys. Without this site I think I would have lost even more of my mind.

Me: Hi, do you have stamps for the US?
Post office clerk: Yes.
Me: 16, please.
Post office clerk: Really? That's so nice. Do you want a fiscal invoice?
Me: No, I'm just buying for myself.

The EU Culties and Imke get theirs next week.

Supervisor: Hello. Is your refrigerator running?
Me: (dark Liam Neeson voice) No. But you should be.
S: No one prank calls anymore. Not with call ID nowadays. What do kids do now for fun?
Me: Drugs?
S: Michael!
Coworker Listening In: Actually he's pretty on point on that one.

Someone recently told me I have the perfect phone number for prank calling people because it only has like 3 different numbers in it and just looks extremely corporate.

Then I was like, what's a prank call?

And ate more drugs.

Him: You're Culting naked.
Me: yep.
Him: Is that allowed?
Me: definitely.
Him: Probably encouraged?

Since I am already here and I don't want to search for the Actual Texts thread, this text came a couple seconds later:

"Did Christina tell you she was playing with peoples poop at the concert?"

So glad we could give that experience. (someone we bought concerts tickets for recently)

Also, my 24 year old friend (we used to hang out, but now she does a lot of road trips) going to beauty school has not colored my hair, as she promised a week ago, or called back.
My roots are starting to show.

I sent her this text:
"If you don't help me soon with my hair, I swear to god, I'm going to start wearing shawls and stir-up leggins with berets in a non~ironic way. Then photo bomb every picture you take, like an AARP ninja."

But I would wear all that stuff, but ironically.

Seems normal to me

The playing in poop text- found out she was drunk and it was on the floor outside the restroom (why?why?) and thought is was mud and started smearing it around or something then realised to was poo.

That's absolutely foul. Ugh!!!

What the...?

That's awful.

It really is!

I honestly couldn't expect less of a mishap happening to that person, however. Chrissy was playing with mud that turned out to be poo? Of course she was.

I don't think I'd ever feel clean again!

*supervisor lost her iPhone*

Coworker: Let me use my iPhone to locate yours.
Me: iPhones has tracking devices?
Coworker: GPS, yes.
Me: .....If you'll excuse me, I have to go put something back where I found it.

Conversation on a common friend's status on Facebook.

Cosmin Ioan: Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Irina Marina: Do you really want to see that?
Andrei Pănuş: (loser I'm not talking to)

Cosmin Ioan: this is how you get surfing waves
Cosmin Ioan: wonderful
Irina Marina: look who's talking )) (reference to the fact that Andrew has put on a lot of weight since he moved back to his hometown)
Andrei Pănuş: only the best for you
Irina Marina: you had fun on my tumblr yesterday. at least i didn't get fat
Andrei Pănuş: Are you talking to me now?
Irina Marina: Just to remind you what a moron you are.
Andrei Pănuş: I'll take it!
Irina Marina:

Oh snap! I think.

I love that gif of Blair.

You remind me of Blair sometimes. My best friend is exactly like her.

So yeah I'm pretty scared of her.

That is the best compliment. Thanks. I hope you don't mean the bitchiness though.

The single mindedness, the high personal goals, generally nonsense demeanor, the disdain for the common philistines...

Not all good, not all bad.

Go ahead, laugh at me.

Me: Happy new year.
Andrei: Happy new year. But isn't wishing "happy new year" to your worst mistake ever kinda redundant?
Me: Trying to be less bitter isn't.
Him: I hope all's well with you and yours. You deserve to be happy. No irony.
Me: Thanks. Sorry for showing how bitter i still am.
Him: No problem. It's your right. Why did you remove the photos? And where are you celebrating?
Me: Hahaha so you noticed. Because you looked at them. Same as every year, at a girlfriend's house.
Him: Why because I looked at them?
Me: Because you had no right, she doesn't deserve it.
Him: Who is she?
Me: Your girlfriend obviously. Do you forget people always tell me stuff even when I don't wanna know?
Him: Heh. You're right, I suppose. Let's start talking again maybe? Happy New Year!
Me: I'll see. Happy new year.

Common Irina.

You know what I take from reading that conversation?

He got you to react- by looking at your photo's.

Then he got you to admit to your own possible wrong.

He got you to admit some of your feelings.

Then he not only got you to speak to him he got you to admit to your reaction and then he got you to answer his question about you personal business (where you are partying)

And then he got you to give a maybe about starting to talk again, which is as good as a yes, seeing as you initiated the conversation.

All the while, he did't apologize in any way for anything. He didn't admit anything he feels about anything. He didn't say anything about what he is doing or where he is or who he is with- he gave you no information about anything.

But he got quite a hell of a lot out of you, in just that brief conversation.

He got you to effing THANK HIM.

Andrewieais(whatever his name is): No problem Irina. Stroke my ego more.

And that is why I won't talk to him now. I'm too ashamed I let this happen, ESPECIALLY after that not-so-cryptic post about 2012 being the year that I ended my biggest mistake ever - loving him.

Fuck.

Like, I APOLOGIZED. For being bitter and hating his guts, still. I don't even have the excuse of being drunk, that's the saddest part.

It is okay. You are human. Get strong and don't do it again, leave his ass hanging with just that and nothing more again at all.

He'll be sorry or he won't, but it doesn't matter either way.

Delete him on messenger and Facebook.

I'm sorry for his girlfriend, to be honest. My best guy friend, who spent New Year's with the two of them and other friends, told me he was over the moon after I texted and all. And it was ten to fucking midnight, he should've been snogging his girlfriend, not telling me I'm right to hate him. I know that.

I know his phone number by heart, Hattie, it won't help.

JUST DO IT IRINA!!!

Get rid of him any way you can.

Drama and self-pity are addictive.

A few weeks ago my dad put a large present under the tree for my mom. My parents don't normally give each other presents.

Mom: What'd you get me what'd you get me what'd you get me??
Dad: It's just vacuum cleaner.
Mom: Hahaha... no, seriously...
Dad: (looking uncomfortable) You said you wanted a vacuum cleaner...
Mom: (very serious) You fucking better not have fucking gotten me a fucking vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

The next day, two more smaller presents were found under the tree for my mom.

He was just messing with her though. The big box was a karaoke machine. Whether this is a better or worse present than a vacuum cleaner is something the history books will have to decide.

Oh and on Christmas Eve, my aunt called my mom she talked to her on speaker phone.

Mom: Hey, are you coming over?
Aunt: I don't know... my husband's parents are here.
Mom: So? Bring them.
Aunt: I just feel weird... I didn't get any of you any presents...
Mom: That's perfect because nobody got you anything either.
Aunt: ... okay... fine! I'll see you in a bit. (Hangs up)
Mom (to my sister): Quick! Get her presents and throw them in my closet!
Sister: No!
Mom: You are so selfish.

I laughed at all of that.

Me tooooooooooo.

Cindy: One of the puppies died.
Kyle: What did you do?
Me: Just throw it in the stew.
Cindy: Huh?
Me: Nothing, just kidding.
Cindy: Yes we cried, it was sad.

I had a similar conversation when I was 10 with my parents about my pet chicken. Except for the last two lines.

I did not eat that stew and I was the only one who did not get what the doctor called "mild food poisoning" but we all knew was just a classic stomach haunting.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your or your friend's puppy.

No dead puppies lately.

Made blue koolaid in a Tiki pitcher with a face on it:

Tiki voice: That's a lot of sugar. I hope you're not putting all of it in me.
Haley: I don't know what you're talking about.
Tiki voice: That's not koolaid, that's bluelaid.
Me: Ha ha Tiki Pitcher, you're funny.
Haley: You are retarded.

On the phone:

Mom: Oh, i think i hit a raccoon.
Me: Did you?
Mom: No, it ran across the street. It might have been a rabbit.
Me: Did it have a carrot?
Mom: No.
Me: Was it carrying a money bag with a dollar sign on it?
Mom: Yes.
Me: It was a raccoon.
Mom: A cat just ran out in the road. Lots of animals running across today.
Me: Maybe they're running from something.
Mom: Oh that's scary.

Lily (holding 'C' encyclopedia): Mommy mommy look!

Me: *Looks*

Lily: It says "Chicago"!

[no idea why that would excite her]

Me: Yes honey. That is an encyclopedia. You can look up just about anything in them. It's like the internet in a book.

Lily: *WIDE EYED AMAZED* Really?

Me: Well those ones are kind of old, so some things won't be in them.

Lily: How old are they?

Me: Um, almost twenty years old. So not too old. There is still lots of good stuff in them.

Lily: *exasperated* Mom! That is really old. how old am I? I'm seven. Twenty is really really old.

Me: I see.

Lily: Oh! How long is a year mom? how many days?

(jumps up and points at the computer on the table in front of me before I can answer)

Lily: Look it up! Look it up!

Me: *facepalm*

Me: Why don't you look it up in the 'Y' encyclopedia honey?

Lily: Oh! Okay!!

.....

Now she is going around reading the article about what a year is to each family member.

She's so cute.

That's how I got started, relentlessly asking Those Kinds Of Questions until I was turned loose in a room full of books.

And look at me now!