Actual conversations...
Large dope:Hey can I get the chillie cheese tots?
Cashier:Oh sorry we are out of tots but we have fries?
LD:(with a noticable drop of his shoulders and a quiver in his voice) No, I will just get a soda.
Swear to god he was about to cry.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
And I don't like constantly being called cute. What am I, a kitten?
I don't know why, but you're one person I really like but can always come up with the meanest things to say to. I have to refrain so much.
Tell me! But in a PM. I don't want to cry in public.
No, but the people I can be meanest to are always the ones I care about. Take this conversation that happened after I heard from a mutual friend that my buddy ben (a 2/10) thought he had previously had a serious chance with our friend Katherine (9/10).
Me- Hey Ben, remember that time you almost dated Katherine?
Ben- Yeah?
Me- Nobody else does.
Ben could date your jokes.
OH GROW UP!
Jokes? I speak the truth!
Just now....
Drew: Hey, come watch this parody video with me. It's a Breaking Bad/Taylor Swift thing.
Me: Okay!
Drew/Me (watching video): haha, hehe, this is so funny! *singing along* weEEE are never ever. gonna cook together ...hahaha
Drew: It's even just like the actual video, you know?
Me: The...video?
Drew: Yeah, for the real song, you know?
Me: ...no?
Drew: You know, they're dancing like that...like in the real video...the way there's a group of them and they're dancing while she sings that song and they move their arms slow and weird like that when she does the weEEE part.
Me: In the actual Taylor Swift video. That you've watched?
Drew (laughing): ......come on!..STOP LAUGHING
Me: ahahahahahaha...you watched a Taylor Swift video....on purpose...ahahahahaha
This reminds me of that time when my ex husband pulled into the garage and didn't realize I was home yet and had his stereo BLARING with Kylie Minougue..."I just can't get you outta mah head...lalalalalalala"
HAHHAAHA !
Her: I like how you stopped the backrub to fart.
Me: You can't be too careful. You don't want to shit your pants.
Her: Can't do more than one thing at once?
Me: It takes a surprising amount of effort to fart and not shit yourself.
Her: Yeah, any idiot can fart.
Me: Any idiot can shit his pants. That's gonna be the title of my biography.
I like her.
Okay here's more:
We were watching a show about this Texas redneck guy who supposedly killed his kids and we were making fun of the Texas accents.
Her: I want a prison pen pal.
Me: Who did what?
Her: Cut off his grandma's head and then ate the head.
Me: And then peed in the neck hole?
Her: Mhmm.
Me: Google it, i bet you can find him. Wait, please don't Google that.
Her: **fart**
Her: (Texas accent) Welp, better comin out than goin in, I always say.
Or this morning:
Her: I had a dream you were wearing a top hat, will you please wear one?
Me: Sure, i've always wanted one. What about a Monocle?
Her: Noooo.
Me: Fine.
Him: You know... cute and flippant... can seem like... uninterested and indifferent...
Me: That can't be right. Do the math again.
Him: Oh you're right... it's... uninterested, indifferent, and dismissive.
Me: Hmmmm.
Him: I forgot to carry the contempt.
Sometimes, I suck.
Anthony's friend: Did your Dad die?
Anthony: No.
Anthony's friend: Then where is he?
Anthony: He and my mom got a divorce so he lives in a different house but I see him all the time.
Anthony's friend: Oh. That's really sad.
Anthony: Yeah, but I like my step-dad and this way we have two Wii's.
<3
Facebook messages from the guy I used to love:
Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Speak
To
Me
Fuck sake
Why don't you talk to me?
Ok I know you get hurt every time you talk to me
But I don't intend to
I never intend to
I'm sorry
I always am, lately
Sigh
I miss your witty banter and cute demeanour
Oh well, guess I'm never getting you back
He guesses right. Not talking since more than 2 months ago.
Today, in Subway, guy takes my order, then proceeds to ask my classmate (a girl):
Him: Hello, welcome to Subway, 15 or 30 cm?
Me: She's with me.
Him: Oh, I hope you're happy together.
Wat?
Haha, that's cute!
I mean it's worthy of an eye roll.
I turned around and went: what the fuck kind of joke is that? We're not 14 anymore.
Him: Hello, welcome to Subway, 15 or 30 cm?
Me: She's with me.
Him: Oh, I hope you're happy together.
Wat?
Thats golden.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Ally is some weird diet pill that separates the oil and fat out of food and you end up leaking and shitting for days.
GF: Did you take Ally?
GF Mom: I did.
GF: You might need some adult diapers.
GF Sister: We always end up talking about Ally at the dinner table.
GF: You could just use those Poise you had for Clarence.
GF Mom: I sold them at a garage sale.
Me: Wow, who bought those? A neighbor? That'd be good to know.
**Laughter all around because i am awesome.**
When I worked at GNC I used to try and get people not to by Alli. I have to imagine it is just terrible for you and will cause permanent damage.
It sounds like a terrible pill. Just go on a diet or take some ephedrine or whatever it is now. Alli doesn't sound natural at all.
Agreed. Take some caffeine pills, work out, and watch what you're eating.
Pills like that are for lazy people.
Remember Kids: Cocaine is All Natural!
Also, skip that second dessert.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Tuffy would like it known that he does not actually use cocaine; he merely endorses it.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude: So something happened the other day and I need you to tell me whether or not this makes me a pedophile.
Me: ....... I'm not having this conversation with you. *walks away*
me: my husband bought kung-fu shoes !
husband: yes.
me KUNG-FU SHOES ! KUNG-FU SHOES !
husband: yes, he was a great philosopher .
Hahahahaha you're so precious!
Does that pun actually work in the French-German patois of your household?
Gernch?
Frerman?
Either way, most impressive. Trilingual puns, FTFW.
This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't get it.
Trev: Do I have to go to school?????
Pep: yes.
Trev: Whyyyyyyyyyy?
Pep: So you can learn.
Trev: Why do I need to learn things???
Pep: So you can grow up and be happy.
Trev: I can be happy without school and learning things.
Pep: You will be happier with an education.
Trev: Why do I need an education?
Pep: *getting annoyed* So you don't end up living in my basement smoking pot all day when you are 32.
Trev: *drama queening it up* Humph! I Am Insulted! There are far better reasons for not needing an education than because I'll end up smoking pot in your basement when I am thirty-two!
Trev: AND! you don't even have a basement! *slams door and broods off to school trying to hide his smirk*
............
what the hell
Gernch?
Frerman?
Either way, most impressive. Trilingual puns, FTFW.
we mostly speak english.
This blows my mind.
I always assumed that he learned German or you spoke French.
when we met my french was a bit rusty and his german nonexistent. by now we´re both fluent in either language but we´re used to english and i think we´ll stick to it. at least till we have kids, then it might get a bit complicated.
Gernch?
Frerman?
Either way, most impressive. Trilingual puns, FTFW.
There is no patois, we speak English to each other.
A kid we all call Sunshine comes over, sits on my desk and picks up an appointment card off my desk. When I reach over to take it back from him before he can read it he pulls his hand out of reach. I snatch it back crushing his fingers and yanking it out of his hand.
Sunshine:That was rude.
Me:No rude is invading someones privacy.
SS:It's not private if it's on your desk.
Me:Yes, it is. Don't touch any of my stuff.
SS:Your a jerk.
Me:Sure, yes I am, do you have a problem with that.
THis is the same kid who leans over my shoulder before I even knew who he was and asked what I was writing, when I told him it was private and that he should lean over my shoulder and read things without asking he leans in closer and tries to read it outloud.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Ludwig should speak German only to the kids, Barb only French,the nanny should speak only Spanish to them, and send them to an English boarding school!
You'll end up with little Irina's running around knowing all the languages.
Or some very confused children.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Or teach one kid just German and one kid just French and one kid just English etc. and see who wins World War 3.
It took me a second as well.
Kung-fu shoes. Confucious.
In Chinese it's even better.
孔夫子 = "K'ung Fu-tzu" = "Confucious"
This is why we can't have nice things.
Ludwig should speak German only to the kids, Barb only French,the nanny should speak only Spanish to them, and send them to an English boarding school!
You'll end up with little Irina's running around knowing all the languages.
sounds like a plan.
I miss teaching children to speak.
That was one of my favorite parts of raising little bitty ones, I would just talk to them all day from the time they were born. Repeating all of their sounds and facial expressions until they got the idea and attempted to repeat me, and just narrating everything for them and asking questions and telling them what every thing I gave them was. Oh man.
I'm gonna need a whole lot of grandkids someday I think.
They never shut up now, either.
I want to raise my children speaking Norwegian, English, and Dutch, but that might be too demanding.
Barbara, I somehow assumed that you guys spoke German together!
that´s not possible because every time i hear ludwig speaking german i get the biggest grin on my face and can´t shake it off anymore. just thinking of it, i start grinning because it´s soo cute. 
i know people who´ve been raised trilingual and they turnt out fine. i think you should not mix languages , then it gets confusing.
I get her, maybe.
And I don't like constantly being called cute. What am I, a kitten?