Actual conversations...

...Well they need one.

You should make one up for her. I really hate that store...I had to spend two hours too long in there once.

No.

I could totally see a Lizzie Borden American Girl doll.

I asked her if she wanted one of these.

but she's not interested.

"Listen, its not my fault I signed up for the account. And its not my fault I didnt cancle it the right way. You cant expect me to check me email and pay attention to my credit card statments. I want a refund for the years worth of service. You cant say its my fault that I didnt cancle the services"

All in one long breath

hahaha, ... although, I may be guilty of similar conversations.

.........

Context: Highschool home game this evening, all the youth teams invited to be a part of the halftime show; wear their jersey's and run out on the field when their team is announced. Whole school band is there, stand are packed, all the cheerleaders. The whole movie shebang.

We had no plans to attend the whole game, but wanted Zachariah to enjoy the fun and glory of being a part of it all. We were told because he is on a team and included in this show we had a free pass as he was desired to be there.

We showed up six minutes on the clock till halftime.

Apparently there was some mis-communication.

*tending the ticket table are a man and woman about sixty+ in years both, woman in a hover-round*

James: Hi. We were told we have a pass?

Old Lady: *looking at Zach in his Jersey* ...Well, he does.

James: *looking at me* Um, yeah. Oh. I see. Um... I changed my pants, uh... didn't even bring my wallet... I thought we had a pass...?

Zach: *nervous*

Lily and Trevor: *confused*

Old Lady: Well, HE can go in. *smug*

Pep: I think you need to take him James. I mean, he doesn't know where to go...

Old Lady: I suppose.

*James goes with Zach*

*Old Lady and Old Man look at Pep*

*Other people approach to buy tickets*

*Pep looks at Lily and Trevor, Looks at Scowling Old lady and wide eyed old Man*

Pep: You Know.

Pep: I am pretty sure we can outrun you.

Old Lady: *squeaks*

*Pep and kids make a strumbling walk of a nonchalant dash into stadium*

hahahahaha

Same thing happened to me at the ballet last week.

You win.

I was particularly proud of myself. Also, glad I'm not the only one.

Pepper made me lol.

Me too.

Thing is, we weren't.

Is everyone aware that she's not dead? Just go talk to her.

It is oft I wandered aimlessly, pondering my being. The world around me grey, empty but for the breeze. Surely, there were things amongst myself in this vacant world, but all of them seemed so vapid and devoid of meaning that I could not take them into account as meaningful. I tried, though, as I must, to find beauty and love in the wide chasm of the universe. As I interacted with the outside world I wondered, was I significant? Did the outside world wish to interact with me? So many things I came across in the broad and vast planes of my existence touched the very core of my spirit, moved me and embedded their essences in the many deep crevices of my very soul. But did I ever move the things which so often inspired me? Had I ever reached past their cold exteriors and touch a soul, even briefly or in passing? Did I ever offer so much as a light caress or gentle gesture to the innumerable things I had seen and loved? Though these questions tore at me I continued on without answer, through the emptiness and mystery of my life.

It was in my wandering I came across something astounding. A being the likes of which I had never seen before. How like me it was. The same appendages and wide blissful eyes. It too interacted with the world around it curiously, with wonder and awe. How I had never noticed such a creature of reverence in my search of this endless void was beyond my comprehension and left me speechless.

"You there," I called across the abyss. It turned to see me. Its body seemed to mirror my own, its spirit called to mine.

I stood in amazement, almost stunned to silence, but such excitement grasped me that I could not, with all my strength, restrain myself.

"Are you... me?" I looked and the creature looked back, a perfect carbon copy of myself. So ample was its beauty I found it almost frightening as it stared back, confused and curious.

"Are you me?" I repeated myself. What a tragedy it would be to find such a being of similarity only to find that it could not understand. What would there be to go on for, could I not find a way to communicate with the only thing that I might touch, inspire, or share with?

"What the fuck?" Its voice rolled across the ether. What song, what beauty. "No, man."

Ah! At once I understood. Man! This is what I was. This is what we were.
A word I'd seen so often but could not understand. It all made sense to me now. How was I to understand a thing without gazing upon it? How was I to understand myself, my existence, without seeing it with a strangers eyes? Man. I let the word run circles around my mind as I took in its meaning. Man.

"Bro, you're really strange."

I gasped. Brothers then! That is why the being seemed so familiar to me. We were brothers, kin! Stupid, I chastised myself. In all my excitement I had thought I was gazing upon myself. Little did the thought occur to me what I had truly found, that there could be something else so wonderous, that I had truly uncovered that I belonged. Belonged to a people!

I grinned then so hard I thought my face may split. Here is what I was looking for all along in this destitute life. That someone may see what I do and who I am.

"Brother," I called to my own likeness. "Do you see what I do? Do you like it? Have I moved you? Is there any way in which I might inspire you as the world has inspired me?"

"Fuck, dude, no. Go away."

Darkness, then. A pain which ripped me in half, so sharp and black I could not breathe. The being turned and retreated from me into the abyss. No, I wanted to cry. I reached toward it as it disappeared into the horizon, unable to speak. It was my folly to believe I had known the meaning of tragedy until this very moment. The world around me began to swim, shapes and swirls made of nothingness, nothingness. The futility of my life devoured me whole.

I began to cry, then. Warm tears fell and would not stop. It was as if with each droplet a part of my soul, too, was fleeing from me. I had thought I'd found myself in another. When they fled, so did too my spirit. My life. I cried, and cried. For eras and eons I cried until there was nothing left, until I became the nothingness in which I had spent my life wandering, becoming nothing but a breeze drifting through the darkness.

TL;DR: If you don't validate me immediately I will fucking cry to death.

what

She said

It is oft I wandered aimlessly, pondering my being. The world around me grey, empty but for the breeze. Surely, there were things amongst myself in this vacant world, but all of them seemed so vapid and devoid of meaning that I could not take them into account as meaningful. I tried, though, as I must, to find beauty and love in the wide chasm of the universe. As I interacted with the outside world I wondered, was I significant? Did the outside world wish to interact with me? So many things I came across in the broad and vast planes of my existence touched the very core of my spirit, moved me and embedded their essences in the many deep crevices of my very soul. But did I ever move the things which so often inspired me? Had I ever reached past their cold exteriors and touch a soul, even briefly or in passing? Did I ever offer so much as a light caress or gentle gesture to the innumerable things I had seen and loved? Though these questions tore at me I continued on without answer, through the emptiness and mystery of my life.

It was in my wandering I came across something astounding. A being the likes of which I had never seen before. How like me it was. The same appendages and wide blissful eyes. It too interacted with the world around it curiously, with wonder and awe. How I had never noticed such a creature of reverence in my search of this endless void was beyond my comprehension and left me speechless.

"You there," I called across the abyss. It turned to see me. Its body seemed to mirror my own, its spirit called to mine.

I stood in amazement, almost stunned to silence, but such excitement grasped me that I could not, with all my strength, restrain myself.

"Are you... me?" I looked and the creature looked back, a perfect carbon copy of myself. So ample was its beauty I found it almost frightening as it stared back, confused and curious.

"Are you me?" I repeated myself. What a tragedy it would be to find such a being of similarity only to find that it could not understand. What would there be to go on for, could I not find a way to communicate with the only thing that I might touch, inspire, or share with?

"What the fuck?" Its voice rolled across the ether. What song, what beauty. "No, man."

Ah! At once I understood. Man! This is what I was. This is what we were.
A word I'd seen so often but could not understand. It all made sense to me now. How was I to understand a thing without gazing upon it? How was I to understand myself, my existence, without seeing it with a strangers eyes? Man. I let the word run circles around my mind as I took in its meaning. Man.

"Bro, you're really strange."

I gasped. Brothers then! That is why the being seemed so familiar to me. We were brothers, kin! Stupid, I chastised myself. In all my excitement I had thought I was gazing upon myself. Little did the thought occur to me what I had truly found, that there could be something else so wonderous, that I had truly uncovered that I belonged. Belonged to a people!

I grinned then so hard I thought my face may split. Here is what I was looking for all along in this destitute life. That someone may see what I do and who I am.

"Brother," I called to my own likeness. "Do you see what I do? Do you like it? Have I moved you? Is there any way in which I might inspire you as the world has inspired me?"

"Fuck, dude, no. Go away."

Darkness, then. A pain which ripped me in half, so sharp and black I could not breathe. The being turned and retreated from me into the abyss. No, I wanted to cry. I reached toward it as it disappeared into the horizon, unable to speak. It was my folly to believe I had known the meaning of tragedy until this very moment. The world around me began to swim, shapes and swirls made of nothingness, nothingness. The futility of my life devoured me whole.

I began to cry, then. Warm tears fell and would not stop. It was as if with each droplet a part of my soul, too, was fleeing from me. I had thought I'd found myself in another. When they fled, so did too my spirit. My life. I cried, and cried. For eras and eons I cried until there was nothing left, until I became the nothingness in which I had spent my life wandering, becoming nothing but a breeze drifting through the darkness.

TL;DR: If you don't validate me immediately I will fucking cry to death.

I would've preferred a TL;DR for the TL;DR.

In the midway of this our mortal life,
I found me in a gloomy wood, astray
Gone from the path direct: and e'en to tell
It were no easy task, how savage wild
That forest, how robust and rough its growth,
Which to remember only, my dismay
Renews, in bitterness not far from death.
Yet to discourse of what there good befell,
All else will I relate discover'd there.
How first I enter'd it I scarce can say,
Such sleepy dullness in that instant weigh'd
My senses down, when the true path I left,
But when a mountain's foot I reach'd, where clos'd
The valley, that had pierc'd my heart with dread,
I look'd aloft, and saw his shoulders broad
Already vested with that planet's beam,
Who leads all wanderers safe through every way.

Then was a little respite to the fear,
That in my heart's recesses deep had lain,
All of that night, so pitifully pass'd:
And as a man, with difficult short breath,
Forespent with toiling, 'scap'd from sea to shore,
Turns to the perilous wide waste, and stands
At gaze; e'en so my spirit, that yet fail'd
Struggling with terror, turn'd to view the straits,
That none hath pass'd and liv'd. My weary frame
After short pause recomforted, again
I journey'd on over that lonely steep,

The hinder foot still firmer. Scarce the ascent
Began, when, lo! a panther, nimble, light,
And cover'd with a speckled skin, appear'd,
Nor, when it saw me, vanish'd, rather strove
To check my onward going; that ofttimes
With purpose to retrace my steps I turn'd.

The hour was morning's prime, and on his way
Aloft the sun ascended with those stars,
That with him rose, when Love divine first mov'd
Those its fair works: so that with joyous hope
All things conspir'd to fill me, the gay skin
Of that swift animal, the matin dawn
And the sweet season. Soon that joy was chas'd,
And by new dread succeeded, when in view
A lion came, 'gainst me, as it appear'd,

With his head held aloft and hunger-mad,
That e'en the air was fear-struck. A she-wolf
Was at his heels, who in her leanness seem'd
Full of all wants, and many a land hath made
Disconsolate ere now. She with such fear
O'erwhelmed me, at the sight of her appall'd,
That of the height all hope I lost. As one,
Who with his gain elated, sees the time
When all unwares is gone, he inwardly
Mourns with heart-griping anguish; such was I,
Haunted by that fell beast, never at peace,
Who coming o'er against me, by degrees
Impell'd me where the sun in silence rests.

While to the lower space with backward step
I fell, my ken discern'd the form one of one,
Whose voice seem'd faint through long disuse of speech.
When him in that great desert I espied,
"Have mercy on me!" cried I out aloud,
"Spirit! or living man! what e'er thou be!"

He answer'd: "Now not man, man once I was,
And born of Lombard parents, Mantuana both
By country, when the power of Julius yet
Was scarcely firm. At Rome my life was past
Beneath the mild Augustus, in the time
Of fabled deities and false. A bard
Was I, and made Anchises' upright son
The subject of my song, who came from Troy,
When the flames prey'd on Ilium's haughty towers.
But thou, say wherefore to such perils past
Return'st thou? wherefore not this pleasant mount
Ascendest, cause and source of all delight?"
"And art thou then that Virgil, that well-spring,
From which such copious floods of eloquence
Have issued?" I with front abash'd replied.
"Glory and light of all the tuneful train!
May it avail me that I long with zeal
Have sought thy volume, and with love immense
Have conn'd it o'er. My master thou and guide!
Thou he from whom alone I have deriv'd
That style, which for its beauty into fame
Exalts me. See the beast, from whom I fled.
O save me from her, thou illustrious sage!

"For every vein and pulse throughout my frame
She hath made tremble." He, soon as he saw
That I was weeping, answer'd, "Thou must needs
Another way pursue, if thou wouldst 'scape
From out that savage wilderness. This beast,
At whom thou criest, her way will suffer none
To pass, and no less hindrance makes than death:
So bad and so accursed in her kind,
That never sated is her ravenous will,
Still after food more craving than before.
To many an animal in wedlock vile
She fastens, and shall yet to many more,
Until that greyhound come, who shall destroy
Her with sharp pain. He will not life support
By earth nor its base metals, but by love,
Wisdom, and virtue, and his land shall be
The land 'twixt either Feltro. In his might
Shall safety to Italia's plains arise,
For whose fair realm, Camilla, virgin pure,
Nisus, Euryalus, and Turnus fell.
He with incessant chase through every town
Shall worry, until he to hell at length
Restore her, thence by envy first let loose.
I for thy profit pond'ring now devise,
That thou mayst follow me, and I thy guide
Will lead thee hence through an eternal space,
Where thou shalt hear despairing shrieks, and see
Spirits of old tormented, who invoke
A second death; and those next view, who dwell
Content in fire, for that they hope to come,
Whene'er the time may be, among the blest,
Into whose regions if thou then desire
T' ascend, a spirit worthier then I
Must lead thee, in whose charge, when I depart,
Thou shalt be left: for that Almighty King,
Who reigns above, a rebel to his law,
Adjudges me, and therefore hath decreed,
That to his city none through me should come.
He in all parts hath sway; there rules, there holds
His citadel and throne. O happy those,
Whom there he chooses!" I to him in few:
"Bard! by that God, whom thou didst not adore,
I do beseech thee (that this ill and worse
I may escape) to lead me, where thou saidst,
That I Saint Peter's gate may view, and those
Who as thou tell'st, are in such dismal plight."

Onward he mov'd, I close his steps pursu'd.

Never mind, Pepper just gave me a IYDUT;MYWPT.

Oh wait.

Am I doing it wrong?

Don't have a clue what this is, but I am glad I could help.

Who thinks we need Canto II now?

Yeah!

If You Didn't Understand That; Maybe You'd Prefer This

Heard while in the bathroom at work.
"Oh god, thats not good."

Maybe he got a bad news phone call.

MOre likely he got a bad news burning urination.

I think I made a wrong turn when I came in here. Totally lost and CORNfused!

Maybe he got a bad news phone call about his burning urination.

You never get a good phonecall about that.

Actual Text Exchange:

Me: I'm gonna kill your phone when I get to Hawaii.
JC:Hahah I called you like 7 times? (At 4am before the 5k race at 6am)
Me: Yeah, asshole.
JC: Hey hey hey. What did 1 volcano say to the other?
Me: I lava you you molten crag
JC:...
Me: I don't know
JC: Actually you nailed it.
JC:But you added on the molten shit. Very well I must say

I don't understand boys, especially this one.

He probably doesn't understand you either.

I don't think he does but the moment I think I understand him he throws something else at me that makes me think twice about what he says and what he is probably really thinking.

13 Year Old Girl: I hate that people always say she's so perfect. She's not.
Me: List her flaws.
13YOG: She has no musical talent whatsoever, she only shops at Aeropostal, and she got braces so she's not even that cute anymore.
Me: Hater.
13YOG: I didn't say that! My friend said that. I'm just telling everyone else.
Me: You have braces too. And you're not that cute anymore either.
13YOG: (completely unfazed) Yes I am.

4 Year Old Girl: (lifting shirt to expose underbelly) Youuuu don't know what's in there! (pointing to stomach)
Me: So... what's in there?
4YOG: Blood!

Those are the things allegedly related to me.

He lavas you.

So I've been told.

Josh:I like Keven. He bought us drinks.
Me: Sorry, I don't judge people solely on their ability to buy drinks.
Josh: Well I do. If they buy me a drink then we're friends.
Me: If you were a girl, you'd be so easy.
Josh: I'd make a pretty girl too.

^ Made me laugh.

Me- Hey, what's up man? Did you see Obama just got re-elected?
Kyle- Yeah, nice. Did you vote?
Me- Yeah I sent in an absentee ballot the other day.
Kyle's fuck buddy- A what?
Me- An absentee ballot. I live in New Jersey so I had to mail in my vote.
Kyle's fb- Wait, is New Jersey a state?
Me-...
Kyle- Yeah babe, New Jersey is a state.
Kyle's fb- Is Boston a state?
Me- No.

I hope s/he didn't vote.

Him: I know it's hard to tell now but I was really blond when I was a kid.
Me: Yeah? Me too.
Him: Not that blond.

You were blonde?

Awww... you were too!

I was actually.

We know.

Did you see the kid pics of me?

No! Post them!

I'll update the childhood pictures thread then.

Me: I think you're cute and sexy.
Her: You don't think i'm beautiful?
Me: I think you're wonderful.
Her: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
Me: I don't get the reference.
Her: Me neither.