Actual conversations...

I always use please, thank you and how are you, but when someone doesn't say thank you, I let them know how rude they are by say with a big smile, "You're Welcome."

I hate it when people do that. I WAS going to say thank you, but not anymore. And I let them know that when they do that.

I always hold doors for people and smile. And I get a thank you every so often. Most the time I get glares.

I hold doors whenever I can.

Whenever people do say thank you. I always say, "No problem. You'd do the same for me."

Speaking with the guy who assisted me in my devirginization.

Him: I was really hesitant, you know?
Me: I could tell.
Him: Seriously... I didn't want to do a bang up job of it...
Me: Totally. I know you didn't want to be the one to screw me all up.
Him: So it went off without a hitch?
Me: Was that... was that also a pun?
Him: Kind of. I don't know. Give me a break.
Me: That sucked. And also left a bad taste in my mouth... kind of impressive when you look at like that.
Him: I don't miss you.

And at the poetry reading I went to earlier today. The last writer was a woman.

Poetry Writing Woman: This last one is about my husband...
Every Female in the Room: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Poetry Writing Woman: No, it's not sweet.

Whoa, so this event you two were referring to was recent, I take it? And you didn't make a thread about it so we can ask inappropriate questions?? Awful.

Well I didn't know you were so interested. But it's not the first poetry reading I've been been to.

I was hanging out in the lounge last night with a bunch of people and I went to use the bathroom. When I was leaving the bathroom I run into one of the girls I've been hanging out with.

Me: Oh, there's no toilet paper in that bathroom.
SW: I don't give a fuck!

Why are all the girls I know really gross?

Girls carry Kleenex with them at all times.

SW was an abbreviation for "sloppy whore", so believe me when I say she had nothing extra on her person.

Oh. Yeah, then she was gross.

Girl- Why's your bed all sandy?
Me- It's not sand, it's sugar.
Girl- That's weirder.

Apparently I'm not allowed to enjoy sour patch kids in my own bed.

ha.

Driving, (him, me passenger)

James: Next time I'm going for girl that is all looks. Easier.

Pep: Oh, thanks.

James: ... the whole package is too much to deal with.

Pep: You know those girls take a lot right? maintenance, money.

James: But they are dumb. Dumb girls are easy to convince things...

Pep: a lot of trouble and time...

James: I'll just tell her how she doesn't need all that. Dumb remember?

Pep: hahaha. Have fun.

James: Unlike you. You require math equations and shit to convince you of anything.

Hahahaahahahahaha...

playing 20ish questions

Noah: non-living
Virginia: man-made?
Noah: yes!
Brent: robot?
Noah: no
Virginia: bigger than a breadbox?
Noah: I hope not.
Virginia: is it poo?
Noah: yes!

After playing multiple hours of 20ish questions we came up with new units of measurement.
Bigger or smaller than; a new roll of scotch tape, a breadbox, a Meow(Ginny's cat), a Zoey(our friends dog), my car, a fridge, and The Sea Shanty.

My reply to an e-mail from a student:

Yo, how old are your students?

Seniors (in Creative Writing).

I'm sorry.

In New York State, I am now going to be rated as a teacher by this student's scores.

"See below."

I fucking love you, dbdurden.

Feeling's mutual. I just hope the sentiment is clear to parents/administrators.

I remember a middle school English teacher telling us about how a student once wrote a reallyy dumb answer to a test question. The teacher wrote "Really?" in red next to it. Handed it back. Later the kid's parents call her all pissed off. Because I guess it hurt the kid's self esteem? I don't know.

The teacher said she just puts question marks next to those types of answers now.

Well, that is pretty messed up for middle school. Although, in 6th grade, a teacher did laugh in my face and walk away.

Really, Isaac?

Really?

Really really.

It was my choir teacher. I was excited cuz I thought I had achieved the glory of developing vibrato. I told her, excitedly, and she just laaaaauuuughed and laaaauuughed and turned and walked.

She was still my favorite teacher, though. She's my facebook friend now.

If you mean you demonstrated it... that was pretty cold.

But funny.

Nah. She didn't even give me a chance. That might be colder.

Kid 1: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Kid 2: The mafia.

Kid: Your breath stinks.
Me: Like coffee?
Kid: No, like something my dog barfed up.

I just had this conversation with a co-worker. For context - I'm working with a very big client right now - Cox Media Group.

Co-Worker: Can you look at Double-O with me? They're selling to Townsquare and I need a revenue stratedgy.

Me: I'm up to my ears in Cox so I've pretty much got my hands full for the rest of the day.

Co-Worker: uh...hahaha...I'm sorry....I...hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHOOHOHOOOHEHEHE

Me:......

Co-Worker: HAHAHAHAHA...I'm sorry...you just....HAHAHAHA...I'm sorry!

Professor today: You shall all introduce yourselves a bit and maybe make some suggestions for authors we could translate from during this course. Maybe if you have some favourite writers.
[various students speaking in turn]
Me: I'm Irina, I graduated from this university, majored in Translation and Interpreting, and my thesis was about translation procedures applied to The Contortionist's Handbook by Craig Clevenger, and it was supervised by [insert professor name]. I won't make any suggestions, because I mostly read inappropriate books.
Professor: Inappropriate is a very generous term. Inappropriate as in books burned by the Inquisition?
Me: Well, no, but rather those with a stronger language, that wouldn't be fit for translation in the class.
Professor: You know Bill Clinton spoke about his affair with Monica as being "inappropriate".
Me: Yeah...well, I meant it only as far as the language was concerned. I meant mostly transgressive and noir fiction.

Irina's ears turn bright red and hot (because I don't blush, but my ears do), and we go on to the next student.

hahhahhahahhahhahahahhahahahhahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahaahahahah

ah
ha

I just figured that out. My brain pronounced it different at first, and then I thought of cocaine. And theeeeeen...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

romfl.

Time for stupid conversations I find hilarious.

Roommate: Hey, what're you watching?
Me: The debate.
Rm: Who's debating.
Me: Hugo Chavez and Salvador Dali.
Rm: Cool.

?:Did you get a haircut?
Me: No...I'm wearing a hat.

Is this funny

Me: Did you fart?
Niece: No.
Me: Oh. It must have been me then.

If you're six.

I find it funny.

Oh my god! Fano's six!

I dont beleive six is real. I have seen half naked pictures of her on the dress down thread but I hear stories like she is a yeti.

Six is real. And she's spectacular.

She's nicer than she used to be. They should lift the ban. (And this is coming from someone she picked on like crazy).

Do people keep in contact with her. I really want to internet meet her.

I'm in regular contact with her.

I was wondering when we would start talking about six again.

I must have blocked that from my memory.

Also, no, there is no THEY anymore.

A few minutes ago:

*comes out of bedroom* "Dad? Do they make an American Girl doll that's a serial killer?"

"... No."

"Oh." *goes back into bedroom*

Her birthday's coming up.