Actual conversations...

I totally know what you mean. It was funny-ish, but you went over the line calling it hilarious. Shame on you.

I'm going to go watch it right now and laugh the entire time out of spite. Don't say I won't because I did it just last week with Superjail season 1 when my buddy said that it was a stupid show.

Ha, have fun.

Ok, this is getting so off topic but Superjail is seriously hilarious.

Yeah, Mystery Team wasn't very good. Still a fan though.

In one of my design classes we had to do a color wheel along with a few paintings.

While critiquing one of the other students color wheel.

John Connor(Yeah, leader of the resistance, that's his real name)- Your 'yellow-green' is a bit to much on the green side. As you all know the first color should be the one that stands out a bit more. Like in a box of crayola, theirs a different one for 'green-yellow' and 'yellow-green'.

Me- I was not even slightly aware of that.(followed by laughter from the rest of the class)

Is that really common knowledge? I'm so bad at color theory shit. It took me forever to figure out how to mix skin tones properly.

Me: How am I supposed to make meatloaf and feed Lucy at the same time?
Bloke: Magic! That's just what Mums do.

1: "Admissions office, NTNU."
2: "Hey, it's ... calling"
1: "Hello."
2: "I am going to send an application file."
1: "Yes..(Waiting for the rest of the story)
2: "Hello?"
1: "Hello."
2: "I am going to send an application file."
1: "Yes."
2: "It says *reads address to university*, do I send it there?"
1: "Yes."
2: "So the case worker is *reads address to university*?"
1: "Yes. What did you apply for, a master or bachelor degree?"
2: "Ehhh.. Well, it was something at your university."
1: "Right. Did you get it in the mail (this tells me whether it's a bachelor or master degree)?"
2: "Yes."
1: "Well, yes, send it here."
2: "To *reads address once again*?"
1: "Yes."
2: "Okay, then I think I understand."
1: "Good!"
2: "Bye"
1: "Bye"

I love intelligent phone conversations at work.

Me: Woah, pedophile.
Brother: Who?
Me: This picture. Oh. It's a deputy who got killed. Oops.
Brother: Dick.

Her: Do you want to go for breakfast?
Me: Um, I'd rather sleep.
Her: Well, I ask because you're stomach was going crazy all morning.
Me: What?
Her: You're stomach was making these crazy noises.
Me: Oh, my guts do that. Not sure why. Nothing to be worried about.
Her: Well, its weird. I want breakfast.
Me: I want to sleep.
Her: Come on, noisy-guts, I'm hungry.

And so we went because I love breakfast food and I was hungry.

Me (answering my phone earlier, knowing it was Drew): Who dis?
Drew: Jus yo baby daddy.
Me:....
Drew: haha, naw, dis yo otha hubbun, shiiiiiiiiit

We pretty much had this conversation:

Hahaha!

I went to Petsmart to get sin some wet food and a huge bone as part of his birthday treats in Monday. Lil old Asian lady checked me out.

Little Old Asian Lady (LOAL): Oh that big bone. For your dog?
Me: Yeah it's going to be his birthday.
LOAL: Oh nice. What kind dog he is?
Me: He's a half yorkie, half St Bernard.
LOAL: Oh he little dog... wait, how!?!
Me: I had to hold up the boy yorkie to reach.
LOAL: Nooo!!!
Me: Ha, no he's a pitbull.
LOAL: Oh you jokeman*.

* might've said you "joke make" but not 100% sure.

Haha, that's adorable!

Yeah she was really cute. Like four feet tall at most. She was talking about making egg rolls when I first walked in. I've been craving some since then.

I lol'd twice in a row.

I'm annoying my family this morning.

Mom: Looks like there's weather in the forecast.
Me: There's weather in the forecast?
Mom: Yes.
Me: You mean rain?
Mom: Yes.
Me: But you said weather. There's pretty much always weather in the forecast.
Mom: I meant rain.
Me: Why didn't you just say rain?
Mom: I DON'T KNOW.

Me: *whisper* Penisssss...
Brother (in his bed):...
Me: *whisper* Penisssss...
Brother: HUSH.
Me: There's a kolache and donuts in there.
Brother: Thank you.

Ha, wtf?

I'm planing on going down to Atlantic City next week with my buddy and a couple girls, which reminded me of a conversation I had last time I was down there.

Me- Hey Josh, you mind if I get the room key. Kim and I need to get something from the room.
Josh- Sure, whatcha need to get?
Me- Off.
Kim-(Confused stare followed immediately by the dirtiest look anyone has ever given me.)
Me- ...Just kidding.

No you weren't.

Kidding? No I wasn't, but apparently I was supposed to be more subtle. Women.

Off is also bug repellent.

That reminds me of...

Me: Blah blah blah... Jehovah's Witness...

Him: They're cool. I used to have a couple friends who were those. Heavy drinkers.

Me: That doesn't sound right.

Him: Well, they weren't militant. One girl made out with me and took her shirt off before telling me she was 16.

Me: Riiiight. And you were...

Him: ... really impressed.

I'll poker your face.

Exactly.

Anyway, Mother's Day! After my little cousin showed us her poster that mostly consisted of badly drawn flags for a school project...

Mom: So why do you think she drew a marijuana leaf?

Me: That was a maple leaf. For the Canadian flag.

Mom: [with a look full of amusement and pity] You're so naive.

Admittedly, it was a very poor maple leaf.

Haha! Little does she know...

Inactual Conversations...

Me: What's the point of spending so much on my education if when I tell you things, you don't believe me? And really, if college has made me an expert on anything, it's weed.

Mom: What?

Me: What?

I had to exaggerate a super G-rated image to counter the horribly weird image you had put in my head.

Most of the things I say are only said because I like the way they sound.

I think I half ripped off a Nightrious. I owe him some sort of fee now.

And I almost got away with it too.

Conversation with one of my colleagues in university:

She: Anyway, now that we're over, I just wanted to say you were like an inspiration to me
Me: Noo, why? Be serious.
She: I mean it.
Me: Thanks anyway.
She: You're like very smart...and pretty awesome.
She: Just thought I should say it.
Me: Thank you, it means a lot.

I suck at receiving compliments.

*4am, drunk as hell, (was that a long weekend for Americans?) walking by a place I thought was a mental hospital. This kid was standing on the other side of a waist high iron gate, and talked to me for no reason while I was walking by.*

Kid: Hey.
Fiend: Hey man. What's up?
Kid: Nothing much. It's the long weekend so I've been up all night.
Fiend: Man, what are you doing in this place?
Kid: I'm a schizophrenic.
Fiend: That's it? And they locked you up in here.
Kid: I'm not locked up.
Fiend: Do they ration your cigarettes?
Kid: No.
Fiend: Can I have one? I'm all out.
Kid: Sure.
Fiend: I'm Daniel, by the way.
Kid: I'm Brandon.
HUGE FAT CRAZY LADY: RAAAAAAH! SNORLAX!
Kid: That's Anne.
Fiend: Hi Anne. Man, one of these days, Anne should pick up a control panel and smash her way outta here.
Kid: We're not locked up in here.
Fiend: Oh yeah. How old are you, man?
Kid: Twenty eight. How old are you?
Fiend: Same.
Kid: Really?
Fiend: Something like that. Look, I gotta go, man. I forgot my phone somewhere and I'll need it for tomorrow to secure a weed connect. Thanks for the cigarette.

Started working at that youth program today. I've never worked with kids before and don't know this places rules yet.

Me: Kids, no running inside, I assume.

They listened; being two feet taller than them helps my authority I suppose.

Fool: Lol sasha gray's name is Marina
Fool: grey* even
Fool: why start the blog again? it has nothing but your suffering in it

Why the hell would I care about Sasha Grey? He doesn't even know I don't like her? Not talking to him for a month and 2 weeks. And counting.

Me: What movie should i write? It looks pretty easy.
Will: One about hookers and stabbings.
Me: Like stabbing each other? Or just people getting stabbed. And there are hookers also.
Will: No, hookers getting stabbed.
Me: By who? A rogue cop? A little girl?
Will: I don't think a little girl. Maybe a teenage boy.
Me:What's his motive? Trying to find his whore mom? And every hooker who's not his mom gets stabbed? Then when he finds his mom, she stabs him?
Will: Yeah.
Me: That's three acts right there. Who's his love interest? His psychiatrist?
Will: His love interest is a hooker.
Me: Who turns out to be his sister.
Will: yeah. That's good.

That was probably an episode of Criminal Minds.

Even with the incest? Dang.

Walking up to the store to buy Gabe clothing, later in the day than he expected:

Gabe (cranky): Why didn't you wake me up sooner? I could have had time for a shower.

Pep: I wasn't in a hurry. You were the one who was all anxious when you saw the time.

Gabe: You were all angry.

Pep: Was I?

Gabe: Screaming at me and stuff. Throwing things.

Pep: Ha.

Gabe: Red eyes.

Pep: I believe all I said was 'hey, are you going to get up today?'

Gabe: Fangs.

I don't let Giancarlo sleep any later than 11:00 AM and that makes me THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. He likes my spaghetti, though.

Another installment in Adventures in Awkwardness!

Seeing Moonrise Kingdom at a cool indie theater in Princeton. I buy a popcorn and so does this really cute girl in line behind me. I walk over to the butter pump thing and put some on my popcorn. She walks up behind me.

Cute girl- Is that butter?
Me- I don't know. Probably.

What I meant was that it's probably not really butter, but butter flavored vegetable oil, which is what most movie theaters use, but "I don't know" is what came out.

I think I may be competing for that title. Although it is Trevor, more than Gabriel, who despises me, what with all the dishes I make him do every other day and all. I'm just cruel. And heartless. And don't understand anything.

Backstory: Ok I wasn't actually there for this convo, but I heard about it later. (sure I'm gonna screw it up but oh well)Apparently there is some rule in Judaism about receiving gifts and being grateful for them. A guy I know, named Ned, was talking to a fellow Jewish man about what they both got for Father's Day. The guy I don't know received a really in demand smart phone from his teenaged son.

Other guy: If I sold the phone online, I would have enough money to buy two of them, but I can't (because of that Jewish rule).

Ned: Don't talk to me about your problems! Do you know what my three year old daughter got me? A cardboard hotdog. I don't know if it was kosher, but I still ate the thing, and I was glad to get it.

ha.

Without the incest, that's pretty much the story of the bad guy in a Case Closed anime movie.

FRIEND - Honestly I'm not that much into David Lynch. His films in my eyes are for pretentious, gloomy kids who will tell you they understand Mulholland Drive.
ME - I understand Mulholland Drive.