Actual conversations...
Her: What's your name?
Me: Nicholas Doremus
Her: Could you spell your last name.
Me: D-O-R-E-M-U-S
Her: You're not showing up. Hmmm... is "Nicholas" not spelled with a "K"?
Me: Do I look Eastern European?
Her: Honey, you look white.
You should've said, "No, no, no, this should be easy for you. My name almost rhymes, like a rap tune," and then started beat-boxing while repeating your name in a tone of street authority but I'm glad you didn't because that's disgusting and stupid and you would've got your ass kicked.
Plus, in her defense, your last name does look, like, Greek or something.
Everybody spells my name wrong. From hospital staff to post office clerks. Everybody, and it's not even that difficult.
You should do the rhyme beat-box thing too.
My first and middle name DO rhyme, as anyone who's ever read my username out loud can see.
What is there to mess up about your name? Double the r's? The n's?
My surname. They spell it with an A instead of O or swallow letters. It makes for funny stories.
Your name, on the other hand... I'm not sure any of the possible pronounciations I have in mind is the correct one. (I mean the surname, not Imke, of course)
My last name is impossible for foreigners.
Is it pronounced just like it looks? With a silent "g"?
Oh God, I just googled it. Definitely not one of my variants. But now I KNOW!
So yeah, I'm dumb. Told you guys in PA that I was going to tell the girl I've been digging on that she has beautiful eyes. Here's how it went.
She had been angry at her friends. One of her friends led me to where she sits. (not a good start)
(To friend) Me: get out of here will ya?
He leaves.
Gibdo: (upset)
Me: hey. Settle something for me, will you?
Gibdo looks at me.
Me: I knew it!
Gibdo: what?
Me: you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
Gibdo: (maybe holding back smile) you're mean.
Me: (not expecting this answer) I mean it.
And I walk away.
Is she 16?
Today, What a mind fuck. She brushed it off as she said she was "just kidding". What?? Feeling rather disenchanted.
So yeah, I'm dumb. Told you guys in PA that I was going to tell the girl I've been digging on that she has beautiful eyes. Here's how it went.
She had been angry at her friends. One of her friends led me to where she sits. (not a good start)
(To friend) Me: get out of here will ya?
He leaves.
Gibdo: (upset)
Me: hey. Settle something for me, will you?
Gibdo looks at me.
Me: I knew it!
Gibdo: what?
Me: you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
Gibdo: (maybe holding back smile) you're mean.
Me: (not expecting this answer) I mean it.
And I walk away.
Is she 16?
Today, What a mind fuck. She brushed it off as she said she was "just kidding". What?? Feeling rather disenchanted.
Yeah, she's 16.
I'm not even sure how one would say "Imke". Those are not letters that make English together.
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
I us usually just say Im-kee or Im-kay.
I say Im-ka.
In my accent it's proababy Um-Car.
http://www.forvo.com/word/imke/
I've been pronouncing it right ever since I asked how to pronounce it a while ago. I'm proud of myself! 
I'm loving this site! Interesting to see how my own name is pronounced everywhere else in the world.
http://www.forvo.com/search/Irina/ro/
http://www.forvo.com/search/marina/es/
The person pronouncing my first name has a weird voice.
*smirk*
http://www.forvo.com/search/tuffy/
Tuffy the Dump Truck may rarely increase the risk of a heart attack or stroke. The risk may be greater if you have heart disease or increased risk for heart disease (for example, due to smoking, family history of heart disease, or conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes), or with longer use. Tuffy should not be taken right before or after heart bypass surgery. Also, Tuffy may infrequently cause serious (rarely fatal) bleeding from the stomach or intestines. This effect can occur without warning symptoms at any time while taking Tuffy. Older adults may be at higher risk for this effect. (See also Precautions and Drug Interactions sections.) Stop taking Tuffy and get medical help right away if you notice any of the following rare but serious side effects: bloody or black/tarry stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, chest/jaw/left arm pain, shortness of breath, unusual sweating, weakness on one side of the body, sudden vision changes, slurred speech. Ask your doctor if Tuffy is right for you.
Not one of the english pronunciations of my first name was correct. Which is one of the biggest reasons I do do not go by it.
For those curious :
http://www.forvo.com/search/franc-tireur/
Otherwise, my first name can be pronounced several ways and I accept them all.
In my accent it's proababy Um-Car.
Oh wow. Awesome typing. Fruedian writing slip!
moi.. lolita: brown eyeshadow makes my eyes look even greener!
moi.. lolita: win
Fool: show
moi.. lolita: gotta go
Fool: show meh
moi.. lolita: my phone camera's no good
Fool: no webcam?
moi.. lolita: no lol
*sends old picture of eyes*
moi.. lolita: greener than this
Fool: oh, your eyes are prettier than i remember
moi.. lolita: haha
moi.. lolita: when did you ever see my eyes
Fool: when I was looking at you?
moi.. lolita: yeah but i wasn't
moi.. lolita: so..
Fool: well maybe that's why I don't really remember them
moi.. lolita: i must go
moi.. lolita: my college needs me
Fool: fly, supergirl
Fool: fly
Fool: !
moi.. lolita: cya
Fool: cya
me:you need to be a lil rougher
guy:i can't i'm scared
me:well than let me do it
guy:no,no, i can do it. let me try.
me[sitting back getting frustrated that the guy isn't being rough enough]
guy:is this rough enough
me:okay, now you're being too rough. you have to feel where you're going
guy: huh, i just don't have the right touch like you do
This was Monday trying to skin our dissection cat. It was real annoying watching my lab partners fumble with the cat.
"skin our dissection cat"
It was the worst threesome ever.
Protip: Make sure all members of your party are alive and human before commencing with the threesome.
Foursome. Whatever.
SO YOU CAN SKIN THEM ALIVE?!?!
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I'll skin you alive.
Another AC:
Me and my friend having a convo while we're hiking:
Him: Oh crap I was supposed to call some lady this morning about my hospital billing
Me: I text you early this morning too. Too bad you were knocked out.
[pass by an old rusted car entangled in foliage over the side of the trail]
Him: Oh shit looks like someone didn't make it off the trail.
Me:[laughs]
Him: That's a beehive now. There's probably a grave somewhere down there too where someone dumped a dead body.
We keep walking/talking.Random guy approaches from the opposite side of the trail.
Random guy: I usually ride my bike up here from Covina but I got hit by two cars so I walk it now to work out my hips.
My friend: Oh, good for you man.
Keep walking away.
Me: (whispers) I want what he's smoking
Him: Probably peyote. That wasn't weird at all. Guy must've had a guilty conscious he's probably gonna go look for that body he dumped or a briefcase full of money.
Hey man why you have your hands in your pocket are you touching yourself or something?
Why you wearing sunglasses man? Let me see your eyes. Why they so dilated huh?
So random that native american looking dude telling us his incident.
Then we came back to my house and talked some more about a bunch of random things like strip clubs:
Him: Yeah, I'll never go back to a strip club. They ripped me off so bad.
Me: When aren't they a rip off? So what happened how did they rip you off?
Him: I was in San Francisco with my cousins and it was my first time to a real strip club. Not those ones where the strippers look like men and you can see their Adam's apple and shit. Anyway, one of the girls came up to me and asked if I wanted to go to the back I just sat there like [squints eyes in apprehension] then she shook her ass a bit and I was like alright. So we go to some room and she's giving me a lap dance and telling me what she'll do for a hundred bucks. I hold out the the bill and she takes from me and then hands me a tissue box Stripper: Here go ahead and finish yourself off I was so pissed. I asked for my money back and she was all But you gave it to me. I didn't give it to you bitch. Me holding my money out and you taking it out of my hand is not the same as me giving it to you. And if I wanted to jack off I could've done that at home!
Me:[laughing]
Him: So what chores did you have to work on today?
Me: Aw, man this is gonna sound bad but I have to trim the bushes in the front and in the back.
Him: Speaking of bushes in the back I just realized the other day how hairy my cousin's ass is. He hasn't mooned me in a while but he did the other day and I told him Dude why aren't you shaving your ass? Cousin: I'm not getting any pussy so I don't care. Well you should try getting pussy with your hairy ass. Tell some girl you want to start a fire.
Me: Hahaha that's fucking gross.
Him: (Acting like his cousin trying to get a girl) What your vagina's dirty? Here let me help you scrub it clean. ( Ass hovering over imaginary girl like he's using his ass hairs to clean girl)
Me: Oh man. (Laughing)
Him:(Goes back to talking about the chores I have to do) So why don't you go hire some Mexican dude? Just be real sweet on him.
Me: Ha! Yeah, I'll tell him I can't pay him but that I can give him a box of tissues.
Him: [Gets stunned and starts laughing] Dang hahaha
Yeah, I had a fun time yesterday catching up with crazy B-radd.
I: murder, murder everywhere
F: well yeah
I: i picked flowers
I: and then murdered them
I: they're now in a teeny tiny glass
F: hurrah
I: what do i do now?
I: where do i bury the corpse?
F: KILL BABIES
I: i have none
I: should i kill mario?
F: NO
F: FUCK MARIO, THAT NIGGER
I: i was productive today
I: did 3 speeches and a page and a half on my thesis
F: but did you save the dolphins?
I: i saved only one
I: my conscience!
F: ............
I: will you... will you forgive me?
F: NO
I: can i kill an orca instead?
F: NO
I: don't deny me
F: sorry i was ordering a decilious pizza
F: delicious
I: is it decimated?
I: i'll have delicious pizza tomorrow too
I: a 41 cm wide one, almost as big as me
I - Irina, F - friend
I hate to repeat myself, but
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I tried to post that gif FIVE different times after Jaz's post. It wasn't meant to be though.
And here I've gone and used it twice.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Boss: The company did well and you did really well, actually. They're handing out bonuses to everyone. Yours is.....*looks at paper*...eight hundred and fifty dollars.
Me: *Jaw drops*
Ha suckers! Enjoy the high gas prices because they make me more money.
Dueces.
Me: *Jaw drops*
Ha suckers! Enjoy the high gas prices because they make me more money.
Dueces.
Good work deserves good pay. Congrats.
Yesterday's conversation with my nephews, Antonio (15YOA) and Robert (9YOA).
Me: 16 more days and then Sinatra will be ball-less.
Antonio - That sucks for him.
Me: We're both better off. They say having him fixed keeps him healthier. I know he'll be less hyper too, so thats good for me.
Antonio: I'd rather be sick than have no balls.
Me: Haha. I was thinking of asking if they can put a zipper on his nutsack once his balls are removed so I can use it as a little bag. Maybe put my wallet in there or an plastic bag just in case he craps while on one of our walks.
Robert (in an excited voice): You can put treats in there for him! When he does a good job he can open the zipper and help himself to a treat!
Good times.
Me: I don't really know how to tell you this, but you...well you've been standing on a dead bird for like five minutes now.
Girl: *screams*
Benny: A guy came into work yesterday and just started peeing.
Me: My friend knows a woman who walked into walmart, hiked up her dress, and peed down an entire aisle.
Benny: What do you even say to people like that though!?
Me: Urine trouble.
ahahaha
oh tay hehe
Fuck buddy and me, a little earlier:
Me: The tickets are in A [Placebo concert, A sector - the best]
Alex: Ooh, perfect. Thank you, thank you, thanks a million.
Me: No problem
Alex: Still, thanks a lot.
Me: This time I'll be stuck to the fence, 2 metres away from Brian. [Molko]
Alex: Well I wish us both to be stuck to the fence actually. My sister's ticket is in A, as well.
Me: I wish her the same thing.
Me: I'll wear platforms for this. So I could see better.
Alex: Do that! I can't hold you through all the show.
Me: I know, I know. Gotta keep moving.
Me: I seriously can't wait for this, more than I can't wait to graduate.
Alex: August is a long way from now, nevertheless... it'll be really amazing.
Me: I KNOW! Oh if only they played The Movie [On Your Eyelids]... They played it live a few times, so it's not entirely impossible. Like My Sweet Prince, for instance.
Alex: wow, that would be insane.
Alex: I'd die inside you. [Space Monkey line]
Me: Definitely.
Alex: Listen, I'll be right back. Gotta go for a little wank.
Me: All right, godspeed 
This is a normal conversation for us.
Whilst helping my mum buy some trainers in JJB Sports
Shop Guy: So where are you going on your holiday then?
Mum: To Tenerife.
Shop Guy: Very nice... [to me] Are you going too?
H: No, this is my holiday.
Mum: What are you talking about? [To Shop Guy] She just got back from Paris!
Shop Guy: Wow! Paris... did you go on your own?
H: ??????????? ....erm, no, I went with my boyfriend actually.
Pepper: I was thinking I'd like to take up the violin again, and maybe actually work at it and learn it properly this time.
Pepper's Mom: You used to play the violin?
Pepper: ...
James: ...
Oh, Pepper's Mom...
R: He's dead.
Fiend: Who is dead?
R: You know whose dead.
Fiend: Your dad's dead. The cancer, was it?
R: Yes, yes.
Fiend: Well I'd take a shot with you to mark the fucking occasion. How do you feel?
R: Fine. Especially if he left me money.
Fiend: When will you know?
R: During the funeral on Wednesday.
Fiend: Can I come?
R: To the funeral?
Fiend: Yeah.
R: You do not want to go to my family's funeral.
Fiend: I do. Let me come, you prick.
R: And if you think my cousin will be there, she won't.
Fiend: Oh.
R: I got my ass raped by a scalpel.
Fiend: Elaborate.
R: I got four hemmoroids lanced. They stick a needle right in your ass. The cure is worse than the disease.
Fiend: Christ.
R: I know.
Fiend: In your assHOLE?
R: Yeah.
Fiend: Christ.
R: These things happen in threes, and I got arrested, too. I don't know if I should count that my dad died or if something else is coming.
Fiend: Why wouldn't she be at the funeral?
R: Different family.
Fiend: She could show up regardless. For moral support.
A friend of mine was in my hometown this week. He's the only real life person I know who has a job that pays him to fly to a different city every week like Clooney in Up In The Air. He called to tell me about it.
Guy: You know... I've never ever been to any city that has this many...
Me: Construction sites?
Guy: No... that's New York...
Me: Pick up trucks?
Guy: Nope... Stillwater...
Me: Gas stations with no pumps that have signs that say they sell burgers AND gyros but are really just one Indian teenager with a slot machine?
Guy: What? No! Condom stores. They're everywhere. Why do they need their own store and why are there so many of them? I know they're sex shops but I just keep picturing 50,000 varieties of condoms. Like a fruit store in the middle of the Amazon jungle.
Me, standing by the door with the laptop on the drum and FB open, Gabriel heading out the door for school looks over my shoulder.
Gabe (dripping with sarcasm): Oh. I see, the obligatory 'Snow in Spring!' status everyone is is writing?
Pep: Well it is weird and only a handful of my FB friends are from here so everyone is not writing it.
Gabe: OMG! OMG! How can we have Snow in Spring!... You sound like a more mature version of the Annoying Facebook Girl.
Pep: ...
Gabe: *smirks*
Pep: Thank you Gabriel. I will keep that criticism in mind for future status updates.
Gabe: Yeah. Do. *walks out door*