Actual conversations...

He reminds me of the bad guy in 300 (not an insult at all).

THAT'S THE ONE ALECIA!!

I could not, for the life of me, remember where I'd seen him.

You two have a point. He has that frown.

in bed

He makes Irina happy. That's good enough for me.

...except when he leaves her feeling empty inside.

I was gonna go with a 'that's what she said' joke but no. Thanks, though. And yet everyone keeps mixing him up with the real source of my chagrin, who is SOMEONE ELSE.

Sorry. I actually hesitated putting that second part, because I couldn't recall if it was him or the other guy.

It's ok, but for future reference, it's always that other guy. He's the infinite source of mind-boggling comments.

So like I mentioned somewhere, I recently watched Star Wars with my sister and a few friends. There was a reason but it doesn't matter. We were talking obnoxiously through it about things that are probably very obvious because we aren't good people.

Me: I think I heard they added special effects recently.

Sister: What? That would be weird. I don't think they'd do that.

Me: Look! It's a dinosaur! I'd sooner believe that dinosaur is real than that they could do that kind of CGI in the 70's.

Sister: You don't know. You were barely paying attention in the 90's. Quick! How did the friends from Friends pair off!?

Me: Rachel and Ross... umm... Chandler and Monica... Phoebe and Joey? Is that right?

Sister: I don't know. I have a life.

Bested again.

Hehe, Jess.

Actual Conversation:

Me: I can't wait for next Valentines Day, and I can have a glass of bubbles and we won't have to have awkward pregnant sex.
Bloke: Oooh, did you say we are going to have awkward pregnant sex?
Me: (laughs) Well...maybe.

No. We did not.

I must admit, I was very horny when I was pregnant with all three kids! We had all the pregnant sex.

Haha, lucky!

Lucky indeed. I was too damn tired for that when I was pregnant.

I was a so horny when I was pregnant. So bad. I would've gotten knocked up I'm sure, if I wasn't already.

In my first trimester I had really vivid sex dreams and would wake up horny, but also feeling like throwing up, so there was not so much sex. Now I just feel big and awkward.

Conversations with children about the baby in my belly:

Child: Your baby is going to come out of your vagina.
Me: Yes it is.
Child: You know, you'll probably have to give it a bath after that.
Me: Yes, but first it will get dried in a towel and have a cuddle with me for a while.
Child: (nods) Yeah.

Child: Sarah, can you open your mouth really wide so I can see your baby?
Me: No. You can't see my baby through my mouth.
Child: Ooooh. Pleeeease?
Me: No, it's all tucked up and in a special bag in my belly.
Child: But, what if you open your mouth really wide?
Me: No.
Child: But how are we going to see it?
Me: Uh...when it's born I'll bring it in an show you.

Child 1: How will your baby get out of your tummy?
Me: ...ahhh
Child 2: They cut it out! They cut it out!
Child 3: Noooooo!
Child 2: Yes, they cut the tummy. That's what happened to my Mummy.
Me: That's right, sometimes a doctor will cut the baby out of the mummy's tummy, and sometimes the baby comes out of the vagina.
Children: Ewwwww! Vagina!

Child: But how does the baby get in there?
Me: Ummmmmmm...How do you think it gets in there?
Child: It, um.....the baby jumps in there! *jumps*
Me: It must do.

Kids are awesome. "You know, you'll probably have to give it a bath after that." This is a gem

Child no.1 is amazing!

Dinner talk tonight:

Mum: Gosh, Daniel, look at that beard. You should shave.
Me: No, dad, I wanna see you with a beard.
Mum: You're not the one kissing him.
Dad: You would if only I could grow one.

This was such an 'awww' moment. He can't actually grow a beard, just a goatee and 'stache. Funny, actually. I haven't seen him with more than a 5-day stubble. Ever. He let his moustache grow only when his dad died before I was born, because that's apparently a tradition or something. But I'm really curious.

So this girl I've been kind of erm, fucking buddying with went home with another dude one night I didn't go out. Apparently it did not go well:

The names have been changed to protect the... fucking weirdos.

XXXX,

I realize today that I should have just left when I put my clothes on and sorted things out on the drive home instead of making you listen to my incoherent ramblings and look at my down-in-the-dumps body language. And after that, I should have just kept it all to myself instead of spilling my guts like a lame. But since I did, and since I did such a poor job of it, I'm writing you an explanation that is a lot more coherent. Please forget the things I said last night if you can.

Probably the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a man is not being able to get it up. Honestly, at first I wasn't nearly as embarrassed as I would have been with someone else because I thought my feelings would be safe with you. I've never been stopped during sex before, and I had no idea how horribly humiliating it is. Especially the way you reacted when you stopped me... I could literally hear the disgust in your voice when you were talking about how I sweat too much. Because I was so humiliated, I really didn't know what to do or say. I realize now that I stayed as long as I did because deep down I was hoping I could figure out some way to fix things and salvage the situation, but there was none and like I said I should have just left.

Gradually, the humiliation turned into annoyance. Please understand I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just explaining to you how I felt and why. I know you don't like hurting people's feelings and wouldn't do it intentionally, but I was annoyed with you because you essentially made avoiding the hassle of taking a shower and washing sheets a higher priority than not hurting my feelings. I really didn't appreciate that, especially after I forgave you for making a bad first impression the first time we hung out and just made the best of the situation instead. And because I did that instead of ending the experience right in the middle, we ended up having a really good night.

When I was able to remind myself you weren't hurting my feelings on purpose and stopped being annoyed, I got frustrated and felt defeated instead. We were having an amazing night right up until after I made you cum and you started trying to get me hard, and if you don't feel the same way say so but for me everything that happened afterward pretty much ruined all the good stuff before it. I know my body, and I should have known better than to let you talk me into having sex so easily. Like I said, I walked into your apartment fully intending to shut you down if you tried, and what ended up happening is one of several good reasons I had for that.

The most frustrating thing of all, and the thing I was really beating myself up about all night, was that all the problems we had were totally preventable. Do you remember how you told me on the phone that one time that you were frustrated because you didn't have the desire to masturbate and it was killing your sex drive? That's exactly what happened to me. If you remember, I explained to you last night that because I'm all the way out in the fucking boonies of Benicia and I have such high physical and mental standards of attraction, I am currently not having sex all that often. If I wanted to slum it, sure I could get laid every night. But I'm not like that, and I know you can appreciate that because neither are you. I've had enough quantity, I'm only after quality these days.

I know you're probably used to fooling around with younger guys who are getting laid frequently, so I'll let you in on a little secret. When guys are young, they can get a rock hard erection really easily and without fail no matter how infrequently they get laid. I was like that all the way from the first time I ever masturbated through the end of college. But when I hit 25, 26, 27, that ability disappeared pretty fast. That happens to all guys, although it probably happened to me a few years earlier than the average. When guys get older, letting your sex drive go ignored like I have for the past few months causes erection problems. You can't just flip a switch anymore and be turned on immediately like you can when you're younger.
Here's the stupid, preventable part: I could have kept myself from having the problems I had last night just by masturbating regularly. It's like riding a bike... when you do it semi-regularly, your body always remembers how. But if you stop for a while, it takes a little while for your body to remember how to ride again. All I had to do was masturbate semi-regularly, and none of this would have happened. But honestly, I just really haven't had the desire... touching myself got old a long time ago. I like it a lot more when someone else does it for me. It's ironic that not touching myself ended up making your touch useless.

The sweating thing was preventable too. I'll still sweat a little most times during sex no matter what, but not nearly as much as I did last night. Anyway, you had the heat in your room on at 80, and when I turned it down I only turned it down to 75 like an idiot. That wasn't nearly low enough to let the room cool down, and it was almost as warm when we were fooling around as it was when we first walked in there. I know you were still cold, but you're always super cold and my natural internal body temperature runs hot so I sweat at much lower temperatures than you do. If I had turned the thermostat down further, it probably wouldn't have happened. Also, if I hadn't been having erection problems I wouldn't have had to work as hard as I was to get myself up and stay up, so I would have sweat less from that too. And when I'm having sex regularly, my body gets used to putting off heat and I sweat even less than that. So, totally preventable. And the fact I didn't prevent it makes me feel like an idiot.

I know you only like me as a friend. Don't worry, because that's the only way I like you too. You were right, we don't know each other nearly well enough for me to know if I'd "like like" you as you put it. What I was feeling last night was something else I couldn't quite put together until today. You said that even if the sex had been amazing, it probably only would have happened once. But since we probably only got that one chance to explore each other that way no matter how it turned out, I wanted it to be the best it could be so that we could enjoy the experience as much as we deserved to. I know I was a pretty spectacular fail last night, but I wasn't lying to you when I said I was good at oral sex and I'm not lying to you when I say that I'm just as good at actual sex too when I don't have any of these stupid problems. And with the crazy physical chemistry and mental connection we have, I wouldn't be surprised if it had been the best sex of our lives. I'm disappointed we missed out on that, and I will always regret blowing our shot at finding out together. Plus, it felt really nice to have someone whose company I really enjoy to kiss, touch and be touched by. I've missed that lately.

You're completely right when you say we're just friends. And that's all we'll be for a long time, probably the rest of our lives. Even though I have a really strong feeling that the special connection we have has the potential to run a lot deeper than friendship if we ever both decided we wanted to explore it. But the bottom line is that we're friends, and I don't want to lose your friendship. I guess the most important thing I want you to know from reading all of this is that on my side I still feel like you're my friend and that's not going to change because of this or anything else. I hope you feel the same way, and if not that would be by far my biggest regret about what happened last night.

PS - I've never been self-conscious about my dick size because when I actually manage to get and keep a real erection I'm 2-2.5" bigger than the average guy depending on what medical study you believe. (As a side note, if any guy ever tells you he hasn't measured his dick he's a liar, we have all done it several times). But if I HAD been insecure about that, all the small penis jokes you made would have really, really hurt my feelings. They didn't at all, but as your friend I thought you should know so that you don't
hurt some guy's feelings in the future by saying stuff like that. That's all.

PPS - I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to discuss what happened last night with Emily or some other friend. And since I'm a pretty open person, I don't have a problem with you sharing any of the stuff I wrote in this message. But I'd really appreciate it if you'd keep some of the more personal stuff I said last night between you and me in case I hang out with the person you tell sometime.

What. The. Fuck.

Right?! WOW.

*walks in*

*reads*

*walks out*

I don't know how to respond to this. Sorry.

Ahem. That's... interesting. Hey, where's big S at? Maybe he could give this guy some PUA pointers.

So...

Your fuckbuddy sent this to you Mckay? That's fucked up too.

And, that guy has some serious issues.

This:

I have such high physical and mental standards of attraction, I am currently not having sex all that often. If I wanted to slum it, sure I could get laid every night. But I'm not like that, and I know you can appreciate that because neither are you. I've had enough quantity, I'm only after quality these days.

Dickhead.

And:

But when I hit 25, 26, 27, that ability disappeared pretty fast. That happens to all guys...

Um. No.

I mean.

What. The. Fuck.

That's a massive amount of justification for not getting an erection and sweating too much. I almost feel sorry for him but he sounds so fucking pretentious.

He was emotional when he wrote it, and we most times don't get out what we need to in an elequent manner when it's like that. I get that. I'll wait to judge when he cools down.

I thought this was after he cooled down!

Oh yeah! What the fuck, man?

Edit: Actually, to write something that long you have to feel something, so I kind of still stand by my statement.

I thought Mckay wrote all that at first. Until I realized there was no conversation... just a letter...

Eh, it takes different strokes.

I *wanted* to say words.

I just suddenly have this screaming headache.

This, ladies, is why you never fuck a guy from Benicia; they sweaty.

That's the longest mea culpa ever.

ummmmmm....

I don't even

Me too! My goodness. Thanks for not having written that, McKay.

Yes McKay, I'm so glad that is not you. I just realized when I finished and went back to the start. I don't even know what to say about that. That shit cray!

The first paragraph or so seemed reasonable.

But then he just got worse and worse and I was a little horrified by the end.

hahaha. That's as far as I read because I'm eating cereal.

Seriously though, who keeps their room heated to 80?

That guy just needs a box of strawberries thrown at his head. More zinc will help his boner problems and his sweat problems and his depression problems.

NOOOOOOO. To clarify, this was an email sent to a friend. I did NOT write this.

Sweet mother of Moses.

Jeez, McKay, why do you sweat so much?

Oops. Thought you wrote it McKay. Sorry for forgetting the top of your post.

You still thought he had wrote it after everyones responses?

hahahahahahha

No, my first three posts since his post, I thought it was McKay. My different strokes comment is when I figured it out.

I'm only thirty, jerk. o-O

I get to call myself old. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I wasn't laughing at Mike. I was laughing at his diplomacy even while he thought Mckay wrote that.

I read this out loud to Drew and he just said, "how do you know these people, again?". I had to explain that this was an acquaintance of an internet acquaintances' fuck buddy but I don't know if that really answered his question.