Actual conversations...
Andrew: It was really hard, so I just gave it up.
[pause]
Andrew: That's what she said.
Jane: I don't think you're allowed to say that after something YOU said.
There is hope, but not for us.
General Manager: Hey guys, thanks for staying late tonight. You can order some food, just go ahead and expense it. (He walks away)
Me: So, you think we could expense a warm water penguin as a mascot?
Production Manager: No, but there's some CapEx open next quarter.
Me: Don't tease me.
"...human speech is like a cracked tin kettle, on which we hammer out tunes to make bears dance when we long to move the stars."
First grade girl: "Donkey Kong!"
her friend: "He's not actually a donkey, okay?"
EDIT:
Later, second group of first graders...A girl is singing Smashmouth's "All-Star" thusly:
Aww that glinnahs is go....
I'll be shootin' stars out mah hoooole....
My nephew is staying with me for a few days. He's 1 year old. (:
Me: Hey baby boy! Whatcha got there?
Noah: Blaghblahblahhhhh
Me: I thought that's what you were holding.
Later on...
*Makes Noah point to me*
Me: Tay Tay. Can you say "Tay Tay?"
Noah: Teh teh!
Then he proceeded to poke me in the eye.
When Gwynyth was little and I was asleep, Garrick used to tell her there was candy behind my eye. This resulted in a very painful and unfunny way to wake up.
Good coffee is like drinking Rock and Roll.
Hahaha, aww Shana.
When Dawson was like 5, he'd jump on me in the morning to wake me up. I'd always say "What do you think I am, a trampoline?!" and he's always reply with "Haha, yeah!"
Guy: Yeah, I worked at a Casino. I HATE working blackjack *noises then laughs*
5 minutes later
Boss: Who the fuck was that guy?
Me: I don't know but some people from the Netherlands are here!
5 minutes later
Boss: Who the fuck was that guy?
Me: I don't know but some people from the Netherlands are here!
Ugh, I hope they're not retards. >_> Don't be misrepresenting my country! *Smacks 'em*
They were cool! I told the lady we didn't have that size and she shrugged and said "that doesn't matter!" and bought other things.
me: did you watch 'locked up abroad'?
dawn: no
me: this dude was in a co-ed mexican prison and he got his girlfriend pregnant. so he transferred to an american prison so he could get out sooner because she was getting out before him. but by the time she got out, she already had a new guy.
dawn: so what's your point?
me: don't have sex in prison without protection.
jeremy: or you could just avoid prison in the first place.
me: look at that! are those poisen? because i do loves me a big hi-draaaaan-gee- aah. (this is always how i say hydrangea - i also roll the r)
my husband: i do loves ME a LO-drangea. yeah, i said it. whatcha gonna do? (humming, humming, then of course) whatcha gonna do with all that junk? all that junk inside - hey, check out that skank. i think they sell drugs there.
me: and bicycles.
(he has a VERY SHORT attention span once a certain level of exhaustion has been reached)
john: don't ever take dozethan.
me: what's that?
john: if the doctor ever prescribes it to you, call him a murderer and kick him in the nards and run away.
me: can i scream murderer?
john: yes. and if he turns into a werewolf, remember: werewolves have nards.
her: is my mouth green?
me: wasn't expecting to hear that question today.
her: i'm eating a green now and later, stephen.
Buck: [mumble mumble}
Jane: Are you awake or are you talking in your sleep?
Buck: Prison.
Jane: ....okay.
There is hope, but not for us.
Mum (just waking up): You getting ready for school?
Me: It's ten o'clock at night and I haven't been to school in two years.
me: what!?
mom: i...i pulled on the thing.
me: on your catheter?
mom: yeah...ouch.
me: dudemom, stop pulling on your vagtube. that can't be healthy.
mom: my vagine?
me: your va-jay-jay, if you will.
mom: i won't.
me: hahahaha.
mom: DOES THAT WINDOW LEAD OUTSIDE TAYLOR.
um. she's real high right now on hospital drugs.
hahaha. im real high on the takehome prescription kind of drugs.
that was beautiful!
Me: It's ten o'clock at night and I haven't been to school in two years.
This made me laaaaaaaaaaaaaauh.
On the phone to my father:
Me: Hello, pater familias.
Dad: Ah, bonjour! I'm just here waiting for my fish.
Me: What?
Dad: My fish, I'm just waiting for it.
Me: Your... what? Dad? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?
Then I ran out of signal.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
via text
Shelby: I need money hunny.
Me: Okay.
Shelby: I need to get my nails done.
Shelby: And my hair.
Me: Okay.
Shelby: Is it okay if I just take your credit card with me?
Shelby: It'll be easier that way.
Me: Okay.
Shelby: Are you really going to give it to me:)
Me: Not a fucking chance.
Shelby: Dick.
That made me think of NWA's I Ain't the One
Me: Hello, pater familias.
Dad: Ah, bonjour! I'm just here waiting for my fish.
Me: What?
Dad: My fish, I'm just waiting for it.
Me: Your... what? Dad? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?
Then I ran out of signal.
Please find out what that was all about, and inform me posthaste.
Plus, that reminds me of the time you called your sister your "consanguineous partner-in-crime."
There is hope, but not for us.
Me: Hello, pater familias.
Dad: Ah, bonjour! I'm just here waiting for my fish.
Me: What?
Dad: My fish, I'm just waiting for it.
Me: Your... what? Dad? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?
Then I ran out of signal.
Please find out what that was all about, and inform me posthaste.
Plus, that reminds me of the time you called your sister your "consanguineous partner-in-crime."
Turns out my pop was at a supermarket, waiting for them to weigh up the cod he was trying to buy.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
That's not nearly as exciting as the scenario I had crafted in my imaginarium.
This didn't involve me, but as I was walking along, a perky little girl, ambling past, on her phone allowed me to hear this tantalising snipped from her conversation:
"... and there were bats everywhere, covering the sky, people were just screaming..."
What horrible evil has this perky girl seen? I didn't dare enquire.
Stripper Convos are fun
Rory Gold: You are very beautiful
Stripper: Thank you would you like a private dance?
Rory Gold: Sure what time do you get off work?
Stripper: (Laughs) No silly in the back it's $40 for 3 songs.
Rory Gold: Wow that's a hell of a deal but no
Stripper: Why not you said I was beautiful, don't you have any money?
Rory Gold: Yes I have money but the moment I give you $40 we have established a business relationship and the chance to have a deep connect personal relationship becomes impossible.
Stripper: I like your lips
Rory Gold: Would you like to kiss them?
Stripper: Yes
Rory Gold: What time do you get off work?
Stripper: Meet me here at 2am?
Rory Gold: Maybe
Stay Gold Http://rorygold.com
Rory Gold: You are very beautiful
Stripper: Thank you would you like a private dance?
Rory Gold: Sure what time do you get off work?
Stripper: (Laughs) No silly in the back it's $40 for 3 songs.
Rory Gold: Wow that's a hell of a deal but no
Stripper: Why not you said I was beautiful, don't you have any money?
Rory Gold: Yes I have money but the moment I give you $40 we have established a business relationship and the chance to have deep connect personal relationship becomes impossible.
Stripper: I like your lips
Rory Gold: Would you like to kiss them?
Stripper: Yes
Rory Gold: What time do you get off work?
Stripper: Meet me here at 2am
Rory Gold: Maybe
Oh boy.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
Rory Gold: You are very beautiful
Stripper: Thank you would you like a private dance?
Rory Gold: Sure what time do you get off work?
Stripper: (Laughs) No silly in the back it's $40 for 3 songs.
Rory Gold: Wow that's a hell of a deal but no
Stripper: Why not you said I was beautiful, don't you have any money?
Rory Gold: Yes I have money but the moment I give you $40 we have established a business relationship and the chance to have a deep connect personal relationship becomes impossible.
Stripper: I like your lips
Rory Gold: Would you like to kiss them?
Stripper: Yes
Rory Gold: What time do you get off work?
Stripper: Meet me here at 2am?
Rory Gold: Maybe
Your first post is a winner.
Thank you, I was thinking about doing a hey I'm new post but I started reading this one.
Stay Gold Http://rorygold.com
He reminds me of a young Rory Calhoun...
Look at him! Standing on his hind legs like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns!
Look at him! Standing on his hind legs like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns!
This is one of those jokes that so many people won't understand, but i just laughed so hard.
I got it.
Me: Woah!
Roommate: Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
Me: When did you get home? I didn't hear you come in.
Roommate: A few minutes ago.
Me: I can't believe how startled i am.
[PAUSE]
Me: Weird that this is the last conversation that we're going to have, you scaring the shit out of me.
Roommate: Yeah...sorry. Have a safe flight.
Me: Yeah, you too.
Roommate: Well...
Me: Yeah.
[PAUSE]
Me: That really scared me.
[Laughs, awkward hug]
Me: Well, all the best and maybe we'll see each other again.
Roommate: Yeah, for sure.
Me: This is a really weird note to leave on.
Roommate [laughs]: Yeah. Have a good flight and safe travels.
Me: Goodnight.
*punches wall lightly*
Fiend: See that? That was just the dead weight of my fist tapping against the wall.
Mom: Yeah?
Fiend: Well did you feel the whole kitchen shake or what?
Mom: Don't take much to shake this house.
Fiend: Do you realize... that if I were to punch this wall as hard as I could, that the whole fucking kitchen would fly into the fucking backyard?
Mom: Good, maybe we'd get some fucking insurance money.
Fiend: Is that all women think about is money?
Mom: Yes.
Look at him! Standing on his hind legs like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns!
This is one of those jokes that so many people won't understand, but i just laughed so hard.
Me too.
There is hope, but not for us.
You should see my vest made from real gorilla chest
Stay Gold Http://rorygold.com
Me: Why are you wearing a turban?
Jack: Leave me alone.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
me: how was your weekend? chumptastic?
sara: ha, yeah right. i went to the beach saturday and sunday, got burnt, worked out.
sara: ummm that's about it.
me: got you. chumptastic isn't even a word.
me: what's that?
john: if the doctor ever prescribes it to you, call him a murderer and kick him in the nards and run away.
me: can i scream murderer?
john: yes. and if he turns into a werewolf, remember: werewolves have nards.
HAHAHAHA!!!!!
me: put down the shirt.
demon: (silence)
me: could you hand that to mommy? please?
demon: (silence)
me: no, don't put it in the trash!! no - don't - ah, jesus. give me that. why did you do that?
demon: (silence)
me: is it my fault you don't listen??
demon: maybe. (smiling)
Mom: I bought some Klondikal bars.
Me: Klondike.
Mom: Yeah.
i think this is my favorite thread. i'm gonna steal your conversations for my writing.
me:
people are weird
sara:
ur weird
me:
so
me:
quiet you.
sara:
make me.
me:
*makes you*
sara:
how
me:
the details aren't important.
sara:
maybe they are.
me:
i never told you but i'm a secret agent.
me:
we have ways to silence you.
me:
hand over the mouth always works.
sara:
boringgg.
me:
i beg to differ.
sara:
gags are more fun.
me:
nah i'm more of a hands-on type of guy.
sara:
that could work.
sara:
if ur good with ur hands that'll be fine lol.
sara:
anyway!
me:
what
me:
don't get distracted with work, this stuff is important.
sara:
what is?
me:
huh?
me:
what is what?
sara:
what is important?
me:
there are many important things in life.
me:
it's all subjective.
sara:
ok
sara:
if ur good with ur hands that'll be fine lol15:27anyway!stephen samuel 11:16 AM "what"16:42"don't get distracted with work, this stuff is important."
sara:
thats what u said.
sara:
i'm confused.
me:
you said anyway.
sara:
an attempt to change the subject.
sara:
yes?
me:
i think we did.
sara:
ok.
When one of my kids was little and we were out shopping:
G: How long are we going to be in there?
Me: Not long, I promise. We're just going to look at some clothes.
G: Can we only buy one cloe this time?
what if the conversation took place during a sexual encounter? too far?
Nothing's too far here.
oh dear oh my goodness i have some really fabulous conversations to post.
let's begin with an exerpt:
me: like i'm thirty?
him: no no, like you're THIRTEEN!
(much giggling)
him: that came out really twisted.
me: i'm sorry, i can't stop laughing.
...I hope he was able to straighten it out afterwards...
apparently the giggling helps......
yeah i have to slink away from this thread forever now!!!
me: i hate khakis
brother: what's wrong with khakis?
me: they're uncomfortable. and if you don't shake it all out when you go to the bathroom, it shows up on the khakis.
dawn: that's gross.
brother: that's why you wear plastic underwear.
me: yeah but that doesn't work.
brother: it does for me. i mean.....
K: so, does it still take over two hours for us to physically get to San Diego if the internet is real life?
ME: no, maybe a few minutes, depending on your bandwidth
BIG ELLIPSES.