Actual conversations...

[QUOTE=TheJudasCow;1001491]Yes.

Edit: 9K[/QUOTE]Congrats. Swooosch!!!!

[QUOTE=bigshrimpn;1001501]Congrats. Swooosch!!!![/QUOTE]
I used that avatar once.

[QUOTE=xec8;1001505]I used that avatar once.[/QUOTE]Great minds... you know the rest.

You should totally go back to that woodchuck av, that thing was pro.

[QUOTE=jane s.;1001525]You should totally go back to that woodchuck av, that thing was pro.[/QUOTE]
Yeah but it's way too big of an internet sensation. I even saw it on the news the other day. I got that from Six and it's safe to say that she knew about it before anyone. Maybe she was the cameraman. Camerachick.

Me: Here's my driver's license number and insurance infomation. Can I have yours?
Mrs.McKee: I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!!
Me: Can we do this in a civilized way?
Mrs.McKee: You want to do it because you are a foreigner!
Me: What do you mean?
Mrs.McKee: You foreigners are taking over this country!
Me: Excuse me?
Mrs.McKee: This is not United States of America! Not anymore!!
Me: uuh... I just want to do it right way. Our insurance companies can determin what happened.
Mrs.McKee: Go back to where you come from. I am a racist. Don't talk to me, Jap! Or Chink or whatever you are!

Weirdo Homeless Guy with Book: What does "requite" mean?
Me: I dunno.
WHGwB: I know, I'll Google it!

[QUOTE=jane s.;1001525]You should totally go back to that woodchuck av, that thing was pro.[/QUOTE]

Save it for like 6 months to a year, then use it.
It'll be totally retro then.

(A guy comes into the gas station with a big thick red scab still bleeding, down the middle of his forehead to the tip of his nose, gets beer and leaves.) :alcoholic

Me: Did you hear what that guy said?
Chrissy: No, what?
Me: I asked if he was alright, he said "DO I LOOK ALRIGHT?!"
Chirssy: Haha, his faces looks like its been in my cunt!
Me; :bigok: - I love you.

[QUOTE=Golfcat;1001532]Me: Here's my driver's license number and insurance infomation. Can I have yours?
Mrs.McKee: I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!!
Me: Can we do this in a civilized way?
Mrs.McKee: You want to do it because you are a foreigner!
Me: What do you mean?
Mrs.McKee: You foreigners are taking over this country!
Me: Excuse me?
Mrs.McKee: This is not United States of America! Not anymore!!
Me: uuh... I just want to do it right way. Our insurance companies can determin what happened.
Mrs.McKee: Go back to where you come from. I am a racist. Don't talk to me, Jap! Or Chink or whatever you are![/QUOTE]I remember this! Didn't she also call you an over-achieving Asian? Hehe.

[QUOTE=nathaniel parker;1001543]Save it for like 6 months to a year, then use it.
It'll be totally retro then.[/QUOTE]Twas my plan. Shhh!!

[QUOTE=Masochism;1001545](A guy comes into the gas station with a big thick red scab still bleeding, down the middle of his forehead to the tip of his nose, gets beer and leaves.) :alcoholic

Me: Did you hear what that guy said?
Chrissy: No, what?
Me: I asked if he was alright, he said "DO I LOOK ALRIGHT?!"
Chirssy: Haha, his faces looks like its been in my cunt!
Me; :bigok: - I love you.[/QUOTE]Chirssy. Hehe.

Me: I know its you Alex!!! You cant fool me!!!!
Ironman: ah shit! you got me!
Me: seriously?
Ironman: NAH!
Me: ok then fuck off.
Ironman: uuuuuuuu! what a big man you are! why dont you buy a pack of gum and all show you how to chew it.
Me: no thank you.

4 am. Just now

Conversation between my brother and me:

Mike: Whajewtayneepill?
Me: No, finshed watchin a movie
Mike: Whyoostillup?
Me: I just finished watching a movie
Mike: Youavaphone?
Me:
Mike: Noahousephone
Me: No... why?
Mike: Wegonmayabomb
Me: With the house phone?
Mike: Yeahooknowwherrrroneis?
Me: You really think thats a good idea?
Mike: Whynot?
Me: You really have to ask why making a bomb with and then blowing up a house phone is a bad idea?
Mike: Youtayaneepill?
Me: Im waking you up at 930 so we can go.
Mike: Igottasiddown. Igottacram... Mycarwunstarrrr...
Me: We'll take moms.
Mike: Yougottahousephone?
Me: 930, Mike. Go to sleep.

He then procedes to wake up my mother to ask her if we can take her car tomorrow. 4:00 in the morning.

Him: I couldn't live in this neighborhood.
Me: Why not?
Him: I see alot of Mexicans. Looks like alot of Mexicans live here. I know how they are.
Me: Hmm.
Him: I'm not a racist or anything.
Me: No?
Him: No. I guess you could say that I'm more predjudiced against other races. You know, stereotypes. Not racist though.
Me: I think its the same thing dude.
Him: Nah.....Whatever.

For the last four months I've been working nights after everyone leaves and finish before anyone comes in.
This is the least human contact I've had in my life.
I dont have actual conversations any more ;_;

My friend left me a voice message telling me that he ended up banging this girl he went out with last night. He ended it with calling me a fag. So i called him this afternoon. with him answering and saying this.

My friend: Did you get some last night?
Me: you mean with another person?
Him: ha. yeah thats what i thought. Fag.
Me: let me ask you something. Were you surprised when you went down on her and she ended up having a penis? Or did you just roll with it and take a shot to the face?
Him: haha. yeah no penis. Sorry man.
Me: why you apologizing
Him: I dunno.
Me: That means your gay.
Him: nice comeback.

then yesterday at work. I've started a game of sexual innuendo with a majority of responses its become tricky. Only one other person knows that i'm purposely doing this so it has become a inside joke and game between two people.

Tony: Hey christine can you get that box for me?
Christine: yeah, i already tried and couldn't reach it.
Tony: Its just right there, reach out and grab it.
*Tony ends up grabbing it himself*
Me: damn it Tony what are you thinking!? You don't GRAB it yourself you let them grab it for YOU.

My mother yelling in the Children's Health Museum after spending 5 minutes there yesterday:

"Oh, my GOD! Does anyone monitor or supervise this place? That kid is a Monster and he apparently doesn't have parents around to control him! I need a cigarette!"

Lesbobuddy: I'm hungry. Let's go eat.
Me: Okay.
Lesbobuddy: What kind of food are French restaurants famous for?
Me: French food.
Lesbobuddy: Oh, so they're not big on Eastern food.

Also, while having a drink:
(actual conversation that I had an hour ago or so)

Lesbobuddy: Why did you go quiet?
Me: You're irritating me.
Lesbobuddy: What? Why?
Me: All you talk about is yourself. You talk about how much weight you need to lose, how many things you've done today, what kind of shoes you need to buy... and I just sit here and nod like I'm interested. Can we have a dialogue?
Lesbobuddy: Well, I'm [I]sorry[/I], Phil, but not everyone is perfect like you. If you don't want to spend time with me ---
Me: I do. I just think you need to work on how you, you know, deal with people. You're paranoid. You're always trying to get people to like you. It doesn't allow for proper conversation, which I'm sure you'd be good at if you'd just chill out.
Lesbobuddy: Don't patronize me! Just because you don't care what other people think about you doesn't mean everyone should ---
Me: I do care.
Lesbobuddy: --- just start acting like they don't care either, you know. I know I'm narcissistic but that's always been the case. I'm a very narcissistic person. I'm aware of that and you're not helping me get over my problems. I do have problems, you know, more than you can imagine.
Me: I don't doubt that. However, you could ---
Lesbobuddy: I don't even want to try telling you all my real problems because you wouldn't understand. You'd never be able to understand what it's like for a girl ---
Me: Woah, hold on right there!
Lesbobuddy: --- to be under so much pressure all the time to be skinny and tanned and sexy. You couldn't understand because you've had it easy all your life ---
Me: Wait, wait, wait, wait...
Lesbobuddy: --- and you don't even offer me advice because you don't understand what I'm going through.
Me: Okay, that is the kind of stupid relativism espoused by people who lack insight into other people's minds. Of course I can understand. It's only moronic of anyone to assume that if you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. Sure, you won't have first-hand experience, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the emotions that others are going through ---
Lesbobuddy: You're such a pompous dick!
Me: All right. What do you want me to say?
Lesbobuddy: Instead of criticizing me, why don't you offer me some good advice, instead? Tell me how to make people like me. You know how. Tell me.
Me: What am I, a social relations expert?
Lesbobuddy: You see, you have nothing to offer but criticism.
Me: All right. Look. When you're trying to make friends, you can do one of three basic things. You can buy them with drinks or gifts or connections. You can say all kinds of things about yourself in the hope that they'll find you interesting and will want to hang out with you. Or you can make them feel interesting to you, and make them want to be around you so they can be themselves. Everyone wants to be themselves, so instead of intimidating people with nonstop autobiographical ramblings, why not just let them talk a little until they feel that you genuinely find them interesting? Then they will lower their defenses, and you can have a proper conversation.
Lesbobuddy: Oh.
Me: There.
Lesbobuddy: I guess.
Me: I tried, anyway.
Lesbobuddy: So you think I should listen to others and never say a word about myself.
Me: Yes. No. No, that's not what I mean.
Lesbobuddy: Then what the fuck do you mean, Phil?
Me: I mean that you should try to have a dialogue instead of a fucking soliloquy.
Lesbobuddy: Oh, excuse me for wanting to share my stories with you. I guess you're just too good to want to listen to all my crap, since you've got so much more important stuff to say.
Me: Let's get the check.
Lesbobuddy: And you're going to pay for me, too, because you want me to think you're in charge.
Me: Um... I'm going to go.

Yes, I talk like that in real life. I use the words "relativism" and "espoused" regularly because I think it makes me clever.

You should have stuck with the movie. Great thing about movies, you don't have to acknowledge the person you're with for the entire length of the movie. This can be hindering if you're trying to get to know the person. She seems like a prime candidate for the movies.

i hardly use those words written much less spoken.

I also actively look out for opportunities to use words like "consanguineous", as when I say to my sister, "Let's go, my consanguineous partner-in-crime!"

I'm on break, sitting outside drinking a raspberry flavored Dasani, and beside the bench I was sitting on was a skid of Miracle-Gro. This customer walks up, looks at it, and mumbles something.
Fiend: Pardon?
Customer: There's no price on this.
Fiend:*shrug-smirk-sip of water*
*disapproving smile- turns and walks away with nose in air*

I mean, what's a nigga gonna do lady?

Yeah, you must be one of the smart 'poeple' then, correlion.

Actual phone conversation:

Me: Hello?
Lesbobuddy: Hi, Phil. I'm calling from a payphone, as usual, and no, I still haven't topped up my card, and I don't want to hear you complain about it.
Me: I didn't say anything.
Lesbobuddy: Well, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner tonight. I'm on Street X and I've got us a table at Restaurant X.
Me: Oh. Well, I've already eaten, but...
Lesbobuddy: With who?
Me: With the Polish chick. But I wouldn't mind ---
Lesbobuddy: Well, nevermind then.

Click.

[QUOTE=deathbyargon;1008712]Yeah, you must be one of the smart 'poeple' then, correlion.[/QUOTE]

Well done. That was the joke. Any other cutting-edge observations you want to spring on us there Colbert?

How old are you?

[QUOTE=my shotgunface;1010033]background info:
went to a restaurant with 3 friends... my friend decided to leave her number for the waiter bc she thought he was hot.
he calls her later and asks which one she was, she tells him and they talk for a bit, her phone craps out so she takes mine and uses it to call back. they talk, she tells him she is on my phone, he asks which one i was...she tells him. they hang up. cut to 2 am, my phone rings... it's the waiter, i say hold on i will get my friend, he says... "no i was hoping when i got the original number it would be yours" i said...
"uhhh well my friend digs you"
waiter: "well she said she is only 20, she is too young for me anyway, just tell her that, she will understand..."
me-"umm honestly you seemed like a cool kid at the restaurant, but she is the one who was interested and that would be bitch of me to do"
(my friend then walks in and had overheard the convo...)
my friend-"honestly Lis I don't care, I just thought he was hot,but he is too old for me"
(she really was cool with it... she just thought it would be cool to leave a number like that for once in her life)
me-"uhhh well she said it's ok...but i think we should talk a bit before we jump into hanging out or anything"
waiter-"ok i will call you tomorrow"
me-"k bye"

next day he calls we talk, he asks if i want to hang out...i say i can't i have plans...
we speak a few times over the next week, make plans to hang out on saturday...
friday night he calls...
waiter: so i'm psyched to hang out tomorrow night"
me-"yea, hopefully you remember what i look like...haha"
waiter-"are you crazy? of course i do...i just can't believe you were able to get such a normal job..."
me-"umm, what do you mean? am i that strange looking? haha"
waiter: "no not at all!!! you have the best dimples! man! i can't wait to see them... i am just saying with some of the stuff you have"
me-"ok, i don't know what you are talking about, i know my hair is a little, not normal, but otherwise?"
waiter-" well with your tattoo on your arm, and your lip ring..."
me-"i don't have a tattoo, or a lip ring... my friend who you originally spoke with does though, the girl you said was too young"
waiter-"oh, right right, i knew that...so anyway... can't wait to hang out with you"
me-"do you even know which person i was?"
waiter-"of course i do baby! of course... baby listen"
me-"please don't call me baby... look i don't think we should hang out tomorrow"

at this point i was getting kind of creeped out, bc he was being very shady

i hang up... he texts me like 5 times... calls me twice...

FINALLY i text him back saying...
"look, honestly you not knowing who i was kind of pissed meoff, and now you have called and texted me way too many times in a short period of time, honestly please just leave me alone, i don't want to talk to you anymore..."

the next day (saturday, the day we were supposed to hang out) he calls and leaves me a message

waiter-"hey alissa... can't wait to hang out with you tonight, honestly i got your message andi don't know what you are talking about, i know exactly who you are... i think this is all just a misunderstanding...call me!!!"

WHAT .....THE ........FUCK?! how did he not get the point?[/QUOTE]

Oh man, that's good. As in bad, but that's a good story.

[QUOTE=my shotgunface;1010043]haha thanks... he actually just called me again like an hour ago, i'm at work, and my phone was ringing... my co-worker picked up the phone and was like, want me to answer this?? when he said who it was... i was like...

"NOOOO" haha[/QUOTE]

Everytime he calls you should let someone else answer it and make their own story. Like he'd get a collection of different personalities making the fictional you for him. After a bit he'd quit calling.

[QUOTE=my shotgunface;1010039]23, i left out some details... por que?[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I have no idea what "por que" means. I'm not one of the smart ones around here. I am, however, one of the sociable ones. You want my advice? Tell him to quit calling. Is he really that good-looking? Was he that smooth on the phone? Sounds to me like he's trying a little too hard. I might make a first call to show initial interest, but after that I'd make you do the calling. He sounds a little desperate.

[QUOTE=my shotgunface;1010048]por que=why?
he was attractive, not amazing or anything... he has a barry white voice which was interesting, bc it does not match up with his looks...
but yea he just seems wayyy to eager... that's a LOT of calls and texts[/QUOTE]Especially from someone who you would think has been in this situation before. If he's really cute or he hada way with the women or whatever, than he would know how to handle things like this. If not natural intuition, then he would know just because he's done it a million times. If he blew it with rookie mistakes such as calling too much/calling too late/calling while shitfaced with someone he hasn't even hung out with yet, he's obviously not had too much experience with this type of thing and I would guess that there is a reason for that. It's up to you whether you want to find that reason out or not.

My Bro: Shari's upset.
Me; Why are you upset?
Shari (sis-in-law): Because a coworker I gave some of my clothes to pissed me off.
Me: What she do?
Shari: She said she couldn't believe I used to be a size 5.
Me: Ha...
My Bro:Haha...
Me: Ha... I mean oh.
Shari: Its baby weight!
Me: You're having another baby?
Shari: No! Its the weight I haven't lost yet since having Robert.
Me: Dude, Robert's four. Unless there's still some of him left in you, its no longer baby weight.
Shari: Shut up!

[QUOTE=my shotgunface;1010265]man i wanna be mad at this, bc i am big into feminism,
but i would have said the same haha...
that's bad right?[/QUOTE]

I love messing with my sis-in-law. She has a good sense of humor. She laughed a little after that.

By the by, how is that a feminist issue, just curious.

[QUOTE=Smartazboy;1010268]I love messing with my sis-in-law. She has a good sense of humor. She laughed a little after that.

By the by, how is that a feminist issue, just curious.[/QUOTE]

Sorry to jump in, but it isn't a feminist issue really, it's just that her husband ( your bro ) probably isn't worried about being thin for her, but she is for him (or her, whatever) even though she had something the size of a watermelon pass through her and he didn't. Reading really really deep into it, that's what it boils down to.

But it's funny, because I would have said the same thing since it's ridiculous she's even worrying about it. As size FIVE? Psh. Good thing she has a sense of humor, though, for her sake. Sounds like you guys kid her a lot

[QUOTE=aiyoku;1010275] it's just that her husband ( your bro ) probably isn't worried about being thin for her[/QUOTE]

Where in his post is there any hint to this, or did you just pull it completely out of thin air?

I just said probably. There's no reason for anybody to worry about things like that, especially with a loved one. So he probably doesn't.

(this is in reply to Nightrious)

[QUOTE=aiyoku;1010275]Sorry to jump in, but it isn't a feminist issue really, it's just that her husband ( your bro ) probably isn't worried about being thin for her, but she is for him (or her, whatever) even though she had something the size of a watermelon pass through her and he didn't. Reading really really deep into it, that's what it boils down to.

But it's funny, because I would have said the same thing since it's ridiculous she's even worrying about it. As size FIVE? Psh. Good thing she has a sense of humor, though, for her sake. Sounds like you guys kid her a lot :)[/QUOTE]

She used to be a size 5. She might be double that now. I think you're partially right. My bro has added a few pounds but hasn't worried about it because really its not an issue since we come from such a handsome line of men. Even a couple of pounds wouldn't take away from our striking good looks.
Seriously though, I know she doesn't like being bigger than she used to be but at the same time she hasn't tried too hard to get back to her fighting weight.

[QUOTE=aiyoku;1010278]There's no reason for anybody to worry about things like that, especially with a loved one. [/QUOTE]
There's plenty of good reason. A good looking human is usually a healthy looking human. And why shouldn't you do your best to look good for the person you're with?

[QUOTE=Smartazboy;1010280]She used to be a size 5. She might be double that now. I think you're partially right. My bro has added a few pounds but hasn't worried about it because really its not an issue since we come from such a handsome line of men. Even a couple of pounds wouldn't take away from our striking good looks.
Seriously though, I know she doesn't like being bigger than she used to be but at the same time she hasn't tried too hard to get back to her fighting weight.[/QUOTE]

Fighting weight? Is (was) she a boxer or something like that? If so, awesome. My favorite regular customer where I work is a body builder and very healthy, and I admire how hard it is to stay fit and fight off tempting foods... And I am sure you come from a long line of handsome men.

I figure if you're going to have a child, both parents should be in at least a slightly fit and active lifestyle so the kid can run around and be crazy and the parents can keep up If it makes them happier to be big, be big, if it makes them happier to be thin, be thin. Either way it's none of my business, just saying. A 10 really isn't big though, my sister's a 10 and she's always jealous of me being smaller (as a whole) but I think she looks great. And she hasn't even had a baby!

And...goodnight.

Is she a boxer, Frank?

[QUOTE=aiyoku;1010285]Fighting weight? Is (was) she a boxer or something like that? If so, awesome. My favorite regular customer where I work is a body builder and very healthy, and I admire how hard it is to stay fit and fight off tempting foods... And I am sure you come from a long line of handsome men.

I figure if you're going to have a child, both parents should be in at least a slightly fit and active lifestyle so the kid can run around and be crazy and the parents can keep up If it makes them happier to be big, be big, if it makes them happier to be thin, be thin. Either way it's none of my business, just saying. A 10 really isn't big though, my sister's a 10 and she's always jealous of me being smaller (as a whole) but I think she looks great. And she hasn't even had a baby!

And...goodnight.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Nightrious;1010286]Is she a boxer, Frank?[/QUOTE]

She's not a fighter, just an expression meaning she wants to get back to the weight she was at before having my nephew.

Hmmph.

[QUOTE=Nightrious;1010281]There's plenty of good reason. A good looking human is usually a healthy looking human. And why shouldn't you do your best to look good for the person you're with?[/QUOTE]

Ok, well maybe I'll reply to this before I go to bed then.

You're partially right about the good looking human = healthy human, but not necessarily. Some people just get lucky with how they're built. Like I said I admire those who can stay in shape and healthy, but it has nothing to do with love. Not the other way around.

And also, like I said, I am a naturally smaller person than my sister. I am a 4 and she is a 10. But she has huge breasts and is much taller. We were born the same. I will probably never reach 160 which she has been since puberty and is now in her mid 20s. My mother has weighed between 128 and 138 since puberty and has had three children, all in separate decades.

People are born different body types, which isn't news to you I know, but what's 'normal' or 'good-looking' to one person isn't the same as another's.

All you need is love,

Doo doo doo doo doo.

[QUOTE=aiyoku;1010290]Ok, well maybe I'll reply to this before I go to bed then.

You're partially right about the good looking human = healthy human, but not necessarily. Some people just get lucky with how they're built. Like I said I admire those who can stay in shape and healthy, but it has nothing to do with love. Not the other way around.

And also, like I said, I am a naturally smaller person than my sister. I am a 4 and she is a 10. But she has huge breasts and is much taller. We were born the same. I will probably never reach 160 which she has been since puberty and is now in her mid 20s. My mother has weighed between 128 and 138 since puberty and has had three children, all in separate decades.

People are born different body types, which isn't news to you I know, but what's 'normal' or 'good-looking' to one person isn't the same as another's.

All you need is love,

Doo doo doo doo doo.[/QUOTE]

Being in shape and looking good has nothing to do with a person's size in relation to other humans, only in relation to how they themselves should be at their fighting, running, [I]natural [/I] weight.

All you need is love, but in a realistic relationship of our modern day, sex is a major factor, and not only should you want to look good for your spouse, but you should show that willingness to improve yourself for them. It isn't necessary that you look fantastic, only that you're showing an effort, that you haven't retired your body to wilt and decay in the festering pit of marriage.

Should you not want to impress your lover?

.

.

[QUOTE=xec8;1020431]Phone conversation from two minutes ago:

This is from a girl I've never even kissed. I've never had a conversation quite like this.[/QUOTE]
a crazy 16 years old grupie?

[QUOTE=Mr.Shadov;1020433]a crazy 16 years old grupie?[/QUOTE]
She's 21.

[QUOTE=xec8;1020435]She's 21.[/QUOTE]
too old for a grupie!

[QUOTE=Mr.Shadov;1020436]too old for a grupie![/QUOTE]
And too much of an old infatuation to pass up.

you all wanna rail me