50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church
good times. 
and there are a couple dane cook remniscent moments as well..
enjoy!
by David Henley
from: [url]http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/church_fun.html[/url]
1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4. Un-tune the piano.
5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10. Start a wave.
11. Do cool things with the lighting.
12. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
13. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
14. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
15. Make up your own words to the songs.
16. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
17. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
18. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
19. Dress all in black, or in camo.
20. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
21. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
22. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
23. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
24. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
25. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
26. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
27. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
28. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
29. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
30. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
31. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
32. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
33. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
34. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
35. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38. Blow bubbles.
39. Fake a possession.
40. Distribute condoms.
41. Speak in tongues.
42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43. Drool in the collection plate.
44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
[COLOR=Red] with a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know.[/COLOR]
I prefer a mix of 40 and 43, sticking a couple condoms in the collection plate.
My subtle hint that no offspring of the preacher should ever come into existence.
angelanicole, we don't see enough of you in here? still dedicating all your time to that bald-headed techno freak? 
i love this post for so many reasons, having wasted hundreds upon hundreds of hours in church whilst growing up.
I'm with you on that, Izen
ditto here. One whole decade of forced religion. What a way to start life.
I used to set my watch alarm and then fall asleep, and run around crazy. Sometimes I'd try and bring a book
i used to imagine myself fucking the pastor's daughter.
except when my dad was the pastor, then i would check out the female spawn of the decons.
I wish my dad would let me bring something to entertain myself. It's not like I payed attention to ANY sermon EVER. To this day I look around and pretend that there's a fire and watch people scream and claw their way towards the door. Good times.
No, wait, not good times. I am still having a relgion forced on me.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Diabetic [/i]
[B]I wish my dad would let me bring something to entertain myself. It's not like I payed attention to ANY sermon EVER. To this day I look around and pretend that there's a fire and watch people scream and claw their way towards the door. Good times.
No, wait, not good times. I am still having a relgion forced on me. [/B][/QUOTE]
no, those are good times.
such imaginations will entertain you for all of your life.
trust me.
I used to look at the stain glass windows and lose focus and pretend I was high when I was like five years old. Those were good times. Now I "have no excuse" to fade from the conversation like that cuz I'm an adult. Bullshit, I tell you.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
lmao
I'd like you to tell me that you are a false prophet and that God is a superstition.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Diabetic [/i]
[B]I used to look at the stain glass windows and lose focus and pretend I was high when I was like five years old. Those were good times. Now I "have no excuse" to fade from the conversation like that cuz I'm an adult. Bullshit, I tell you. [/B][/QUOTE]
now that you're an adult, you shouldn't have to go to church anymore.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Diabetic [/i]
[B]I used to look at the stain glass windows and lose focus and pretend I was high when I was like five years old. Those were good times. Now I "have no excuse" to fade from the conversation like that cuz I'm an adult. Bullshit, I tell you. [/B][/QUOTE]
when i was a kid sittin i would focus on the blue carpet so hard that it would start to change colors....alot of good contemplation went on at church that and really good sleep under the pews
I once made my own words up to a hymn. My mum got really mad.
During mass the altar boys ring bells at certain points. When I was younger I went to church every week and I knew when the bells were rung. One time during the service I wasn't concentrating and when the time came for the bell to ring I sang 'Ding-a-ling-a-ling' rather loudly and lots of people including the priest noticed and were not amused.
My mum was really pissed off and so were my grandparents. But I laugh about it every time I think of it.
And rightly so. I somehow got a way with sleeping in Mass until I was about 9. After that....not so much.
Bah.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by izen [/i]
[B]i used to imagine myself fucking the pastor's daughter.
except when my dad was the pastor[/B][/QUOTE] Really now, a good heathen wouldn't have made that distinction.
.jpg "Fino35's picture"){kind=avatar}
14. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
[QUOTE]angelanicole, we don't see enough of you in here? still dedicating all your time to that bald-headed techno freak? [/QUOTE]
lol thats where i found this.
yes, im addicted to it.. and he is a freak, which makes him wondrous in my eyes. its such a [URL=http://ubbt.moby.com/ubbthreads.php?Cat=]warm and wonderful place... [/URL].
[COLOR=Red] with a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know.[/COLOR]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Vendetta [/i]
[B]I once made my own words up to a hymn. My mum got really mad.
During mass the altar boys ring bells at certain points. When I was younger I went to church every week and I knew when the bells were rung. One time during the service I wasn't concentrating and when the time came for the bell to ring I sang 'Ding-a-ling-a-ling' rather loudly and lots of people including the priest noticed and were not amused.
My mum was really pissed off and so were my grandparents. But I laugh about it every time I think of it. [/B][/QUOTE]
Oh my, this reminds me of a fun time in mass. It was just after we sang the "Our Father" and after, you shake people's hands and say "peace" to them for some reason. Mothers kiss their child and couples kiss one another, but most just shake hands. So I shake my father's hand and some other people, then I turn to my brother. And I plop a fat wet one on him. I don't know why. I don't think I realized what I did until the guy in the pew behind me starts cracking up. My dad killed me with his eyes that day...
We joke about it now.
what the... MOBY is no freak, MOBY is cool
what's his real name by the way?
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v251/graeme2004/turksmako.jpg[/IMG]
[SIZE=1]Every word is an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.[/SIZE]
I think it's Richard.
[size=1]" The art of writing is like the art of giving head: relishing your dominion over the other body. ."[b] ~Gordon Lish[/b][/size]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Grae [/i]
[B]what the... MOBY is no freak, MOBY is cool
what's his real name by the way? [/B][/QUOTE]
moby IS cool, i'm just giving angelanicole shit because the first time i met her was on moby.com. i love moby, i've seen him live twice, i've got tour shirts and all that good stuff. i was giving her shit cause she spends all her time on the moby boards and i hadn't seen her in a while. 
ok no wait, I got it
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v251/graeme2004/turksmako.jpg[/IMG]
[SIZE=1]Every word is an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.[/SIZE]
People make fun of me because I think Moby is cool, supposedly he is for old people.
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v251/graeme2004/turksmako.jpg[/IMG]
[SIZE=1]Every word is an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.[/SIZE]
Yeah, it was a joke, but seriously.
His name is Richard Mellville Hall.
Puns withint references, within references.
[size=1]" The art of writing is like the art of giving head: relishing your dominion over the other body. ."[b] ~Gordon Lish[/b][/size]
Moby is for suckers. Because Moby sucks.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Grae [/i]
[B], supposedly he is for old people. [/B][/QUOTE] You can thank that genius voice of the young generation Marshall Mathers III for that one.
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by angelanicole [/i]
1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
39. Fake a possession.
41. Speak in tongues.
These would not be considered either humorous or offensive in many churches, depending on the denomination.
this would be considered bizarre anywhere.
28. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
these i like.
33. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
when i used to go to church, ppl did this all the time. well, not the commenting part.
45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes.
...you will be surprised to find many catholics joining you.
[SIZE=1][QUOTE=ehquestionmark]Wow. This little thread got CRAZY. People telling me to abuse my girlfriend, people showing an alarming lack of respect for women as a whole, people questioning my masculinity in some kind of bizarre machoistic pissing-contest. Hell, I even got called stuffy. [/QUOTE]
[URL=http://confessionalpoe.blogspot.com]Grand Mental Station[/URL]
[URL=http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/community/showthread.php?t=15714&highlight=interview+insomnomaniac]Insomnomaniac: the found interview[/URL][/SIZE]
"your move holy man, choose wisely"
Haha, great post.
But you're still going to hell for it.
-Bohonkie