11 step program for all of you who feel like using your reproductive organs to their main purpose
A friend of a friend of a friend of mine on Facebook posted this, I do not know if she wrote it or if has been circulating forever, but it made me laugh my head off today. Especially #1, #2, #1, #5, #1, #7 and #1.
I thought I would share it for the sake of laughs for anyone who is a parent or full time childcare provider.
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
.
Addition to Lesson 12:
Consider, that even though it is highly unlikely, there is a chance that you are raising your own murderer.
Wow sad to say I've experienced glimpses of parenthood. It's been awesome birth control for the most part but also good training for what's to come when I do have kids. I helped my aunt take care of my week old cousin when my aunt was going through postpartum depression and i basically had to feed the baby every 30 mins. and make sure the baby slept, was very tiring and I was only there for a few hours a day! I also babysat for both my cousins who are six months apart and for some reason i would get lucky each time I would babysit they would get sick. I experienced shit so projectile it would shoot out of their diapers up their back into their hair, projectile vomit covering my only pair of clothes i had with me and several walls. Another night I stayed with my cousin and her two babies who were a year apart and still nursing and were sick. They kept me up all night and there was no bottles or milk ...it was horrible. She has twins now and two toddlers! I can't imagine myself in her position at our age. So yeah totally respect you parents out there.
This is why I will never have children. And the fact that considering how well my parents raised and how close I came to being a serial killer my kid will defiantly be one. This is way I told all my girlfriends; I may not always have a condom but I always have coat-hanger.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
Like I needed even more reasons! I say we abort every other baby, healthy or not, until our population gets under control.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
Like I needed even more reasons! I say we abort every other baby, healthy or not, until our population gets under control.
they should start by aborting you.
which reminds me of my favorite It's Always Sunny episode:
Charlie Wants An Abortion
"I hate your face!"
They did, I survived. I'm a medical miracle! What the fuck are you?
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
that explains a lot.
Wow, what an asshole.
Having children was the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally had a reason to not just continue living, but to celebrate life (the good parts at least) and actually try to be happy. Not to say I'm not still a nihilist at heart, but you have to at least try to be optimistic when you've got kids. You gain a lot of fear that you've never felt before - fear that someone or something is gonna swoop in and smash this little thing that you are charged with protecting. But you also gain a lot of hope. It's hard to be so jaded and cynical when you see this little person encountering a rainbow or a snowfall for the first time and they're completely blown away by it.
Because of the recent weather, we've had all my children and 4 of my nieces and nephews with us all week. Six little ones ranging from one to seven years of age. It has been a blast!
When I meet an adult who doesn't like children, it sends up immediate red-flags, man. How can you not like the most innocent, defenseless thing on the planet??? (I'm not saying that's the same as not wanting to have children. That is a wise thing for many people.) But to just come out and say, "I hate kids" or something stupid like that? It lets you know quickly what kind of person you're talking to.
That 11-point list is pretty much dead-on, btw. 
Get on over to my website, young'un! www.subvertfromwithinrecords.blogspot.com
I read half of that list and quit after remembering the truth that having children is, in most cases, a choice. Unless someone poked a hole in the condom (or something more disturbing), I don't see why anyone has any right to complain about how much more difficult they chose to make their life. Is this not a rational thought?
Children scare the shit out of me, I can hardly take care of my cats. If the kids not mine Its fine. My Sisters kid, i love the thing, but as soon as it takes a shit or throws up I can pass it along.
The list was great though, but it also explains my Drunken friends. Which leads me to believe that all babies are just drunk all the time.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Oh and instead of mass abortions, ever hear of Condoms, or any other form of birth control?
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Thats my name don't wear it out.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
Thats my name don't wear it out.
Ohh shit, you could have gone for, "I know you are but what am I?"
or even better, "I'm Rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Your momma!
Thats my name don't wear it out.
Ohh shit, you could have gone for, "I know you are but what am I?"
or even better, "I'm Rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
Your just jealous of basking in my assholiness.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
Thats my name don't wear it out.
Look at you being all vain, assuming I was talking about you!
Just kidding, I really was talking about you.
Speaking of children...
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Sense of humor: go buy one.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
HEY EVERYONE COME IN HERE AND CHECK IT OUT. BPL IS BEING EDGY AND DARK! OMG NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. ESPECIALLY ON THE INTERNET!
HEY EVERYONE COME IN HERE AND CHECK IT OUT. BPL IS BEING EDGY AND DARK! OMG NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. ESPECIALLY ON THE INTERNET!
Especially here at the Cult...No one has ever done that here!
Children scare me. They look like little aliens.
Sense of humor: go buy one.
Already got one. It only works when something is funny.
#2 really doesn't elaborate enough, as I am sure any parent who has ever cared for a finicky infant after four days of no sleep at all knows.
You quickly learn that pacing may not be necessary, and that you can in fact sleep standing leaning over a crib side with one hand rubbing and patting a baby's back for hours on end, you also learn that sleep is indeed possible with said infant held under its armpits with both of your arms stretched straight out in front of you, among other seemigly impossible positioning feats.
Consider, that even though it is highly unlikely, there is a chance that you are raising your own murderer.
This is a perfect second post.
Thats my name don't wear it out.
Ohh shit, you could have gone for, "I know you are but what am I?"
or even better, "I'm Rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
Your just jealous of basking in my assholiness.
Would you look at this guy ^ sure is witty.
I am also jealous of your awesome sentence structure.
Are you trying to say that I am jealous that I get to bask in the fact that you're an asshole, and you don't? Or that I am jealous of the fact that I am not an asshole?
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Thats my name don't wear it out.
Ohh shit, you could have gone for, "I know you are but what am I?"
or even better, "I'm Rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
Your just jealous of basking in my assholiness.
Would you look at this guy ^ sure is witty.
I am also jealous of your awesome sentence structure.
Are you trying to say that I am jealous that I get to bask in the fact that you're an asshole, and you don't? Or that I am jealous of the fact that I am not an asshole?
The ambiguity is the best part.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
You make me miss Corellion.
HEY EVERYONE COME IN HERE AND CHECK IT OUT. BPL IS BEING EDGY AND DARK! OMG NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. ESPECIALLY ON THE INTERNET!
No I just lost my very slim grip on reality and have gone completely batshit crazy insane. So far its been going well.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
I am sure you have.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Thank you.
"The rat inside your brain rules the world."
Citizen Kane SUCKED!!!!!!! True fact.
Alcoholism is the cure not the disease.
You would be the one to miss Corellion.
Sense of humor: go buy one.
Already got one. It only works when something is funny.
Whether or not you think it is funny is a non-issue. The fact that you made a serious and whiny response to a post that is obviously meant to be humorous says to me that either you take things too seriously or you are slow.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Sense of humor: go buy one.
Already got one. It only works when something is funny.
Whether or not you think it is funny is a non-issue. The fact that you made a serious and whiny response to a post that is obviously meant to be humorous says to me that either you take things too seriously or you are slow.
...or it didn't make me laugh so I chose to respond to it in a different way?
I don't like you, go away.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Really? You've certainly done a great job of hiding it from the moment I arrived here.
I'm glad its out in the open, trying to keep it a secret was killing me.
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
Are you now responding in chuck palahniuk quotes?
what the fuck are you talking about?
"I'm glad I live in the GPS era. In a different century, I would've set off to visit the other side of the village and wandered off into the mountains and been eaten by a carnivorous plant. Or discovered the Americas."
-LaJessica
I take shit seriously here all the time, despite the fact that it's the internet. I sympathize with gfxtwin, but I understand Des's snarkiness. Get a room... all of you!!
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Whatever you want me to talk about
EDIT: with the exception of STFUing or leaving the board.
This is why I don't like newbs.
Don't listen to them, I like you and I like your posts!
Are you now responding in chuck palahniuk quotes?
Not to be a grammar Nazi, but for fuck sake. When you're on a site dedicated to an author, you can at least have (C)huck (P)alahniuk correct.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
Are you now responding in chuck palahniuk quotes?
Not to be a grammar Nazi, but for fuck sake. When you're on a site dedicated to an author, you can at least have (C)huck (P)alahniuk correct.
I'm not writing articles or books - I'm chatting bullshit with people on the internet, so who else but a grammar nazi gives a fuck?
You would be the one to miss Corellion.
Yeah, stupid comment to make. You know I don't mean it though.
Hopefully, I didn't just jinx the forum right there.
You would be the one to miss Corellion.
Yeah, stupid comment to make. You know I don't mean it though.
Hopefully, I didn't just jinx the forum right there.
Jesus, be careful! Say his name three times and he's likely to appear!!!
Get on over to my website, young'un! www.subvertfromwithinrecords.blogspot.com
Lesson number 12 should be:
With all of your muster, pretend you love this little wet bag/goat/melon/octopus/broken record/monster more than the combination of all the love you have ever felt for everyone and everything in all of your life and expierience with absolutely no explination as to why to the point that every one of these chores pale in comparison and you would thank your stars if these were the only pains you ever had to go through on behalf of giving them happiness. Then realise that is zero compared to what you are in for.
Realise there will come a day when you realate better to a Mama Grizzly than most humans.