10 Black Commandments
(from a 1995 edition of the Bible translated into African American Vernacular English)
The Ten Commandments
Harper's Magazine, January 1995, p. 17.
[From Black Bible Chronicles, a new version of the Bible published by African American Family Press, in New York City. In a foreword to the book, Andrew Young, the former mayor of Atlanta, writes that in order to be 'truly relevant' to young people, the Bible 'must be in a language familiar to their culture.' The selection below is from the book of Exodus.]
1. I am the Almighty, your God, who brought you outta Egypt when things were tough. Don't put anyone else before Me.
2. Don't make any carved objects or things that look like what is in heaven or below. And don't bow down to these things like they are anything heavy. Not ever!
3. You shouldn't dis the Almighty's name, using it in cuss words or rapping with one another. It ain't cool, and payback's a monster.
4. After you've worked six days, give the seventh to the Almighty. (The Almightly made the heavens and earth in six days. He rested on the seventh day and blessed it as right on.)
5. You shouldn't be takin' nothin' from your homeboys.
6. Give honor to your mom and dad, and you'll live a long time.
7. Don't waste nobody.
8. Don't mess around with someone else's ol' man or ol' lady.
9. Don't go 'round telling lies on your homebuddies.
10. Don't want what you can't have or what your homebuddy has. It ain't cool.
*cringe*
Printed for, and read exclusively by, self-righteous whites.
This is why we can't have nice things.
That's what I was wondering, how much you figure it costs to publish a bunch of Bibles like that? I know they got the Redneck Bible too. I'm sure there's more.
I guess it's got to be worthwhile, even if they only sell a couple thousand copies. But i don't see why anyone would actually buy one when you can just read the humourous tidbits online like that.
It's the same reason I don't get why porno magazines are still a business when it's all free online. Okay, maybe if you're homeless or something and can't afford a computer. But if you're homeless and you buy porno magazines rather than food or clothes then you deserve to die.
Anyways, I forget where I was going with this.
They should do a translation of the Bible that's entirely in screaming.
IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Would a bold printed bible fall into that category?
And i think more white people are going to be buying this bible than black people, they have more self respect than that.
As your attorney, my advise to you is to start drinking heavily(er).-Tuffy
There HAS to be a leetspeak edition out there somewhere. I'd put money on it!
http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page 144,000 seeld
1 An after dose tings ai sawed 4 Birdcatz standin on teh four kornerz of urths. Dem holded teh four windz of teh urths so dem diddent blow on teh urths an oashuns an tweez an stufs.2 An ai sawed anudder Birdcat goin' up from teh east, carrying teh bukkits of teh living Ceiling Cat: and shouteded to teh four Birdcatz, to dose dudez it wuz givin to hurt teh urths and teh sea,3 An him sayed, Dun hurt teh urths an oashuns an pwetty treez, til we giv teh servantz cheezburgers and putted dem in bukkits so they dun get hurted,4 An ai hurd a bunch of dem wif noe cheezburgers: and there were a bazillion of all teh different kittehs from everwear trapt in bukkits.
5 Of teh tribe of Juda were Juda cats. Of teh tribe of Reuben were a tasty sandwich, full of cornd beef an coleslaw, jus like teh Juda cat. Same for teh Gad kittehs. Trapt in bukkits, all of dem.
6 Same wif the tribe of Aser. An teh tribe of Neftuhlim. An Manasses. O noes! Bukkits everwear!
7 Same went fur teh trybe of Simeon, an all dere cheezburgrs. An teh trybe of Levi, had no moar jeenz to wear. An teh tribe of Issachar too, anudder bazillion pplz, all in bukkits!
8 An teh tribe of Zabulon, was stuk in bukkits too. An teh tribe of Joey, in bukkits. An Ben, sealed in bukkits, twelve thousand pplz dey sayed.
9 Ai was laik, "O Hai, bazillion pplz!" Dey lookn at teh frone an teh Lamb, all white kittehs, wlv palms in their paws, and they had a flavor;10 Pplz was shoutin laik "keep dat Ceiling Cat on teh frone!!" an "yah ok ai likz teh Lamb 2"11 All dem Birdcatz round teh frone an teh old catz an teh 4 beasts, dem falled dwn rite on dem kitteh nosez! OWCH it hurty but not too bad. Dey worshipin Ceiling Cat.12 Sayed, Ramen: "cheezburgrs, an powr an all good stuffs. You can has Ceiling Cat 24 7 forevers, plz?. kthxbye."
13 One of teh elderz kittehs is laik, "What white kittehs? Were dey at?"
14 So I's sayed, dun u know lol. He was liek, "Dese workin hard, an have licked demselfs clean, maid dem white in teh icky Lamb blood. It taste bad!"15 U see, dey'z befoar teh frone of Ceiling Cat, dey bring him catnip an treats in his catbox: an he dat get petted on teh couch is allowed to lie on couch forever and not get teh sqwirt gun.16 Dun be hungwy and firsty no moar; noar shall teh sun be warm on dey bellies.17 For teh Lamb shall refill teh food bowl, an shall lead them unto teh awe-toe-matic water fountains: an Ceiling Cat promises to wipe gunk from all ur eyes.
Thank god black people don't read because if they did they'd be pissed about this.
Jet magazine isn't all just pictures is it?
Dude, where can I buy that version of the Bible? I wouldn't mind maybe cracking it for a laugh since I've never actually read it before. It could give everything a new meaning.
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
Ecclesiastes is pretty spot-on, and inspired like two good songs.
If you've never read it before then wouldn't any version of it give a new meaning.
Oh snap!
Si vis pacem, para bellum
Just what I was thinking.
The regular old standard bible is pretty damn hilarious if you think about it.
This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm waiting for a white person to read this for me so I can respond.
I'm waiting for a white person to read this for me so I can respond.
hah. More restraint than I would have showed.
You know in all the years I've been here I've never been sigged?
I'm waiting for a white person to read this for me so I can respond.
I read it. he said something about black folk not reading and them being pissed at it.
If you've never read it before then wouldn't any version of it give a new meaning.
Unfortunately, I never had to read it to know most of that shit.
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
Imagine if you could make a animated .gif tattoo.
Anyone see the new Family Guy where Brian meets Rush Limbaugh? In the episode, he starts out hating Rush, but admits he's never read anything written by him. He only gets that opinion from liberal critiques of Limbaugh's work.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I loved how he turned into an eagle at the end.
Only funny bit in that whole episode was the bologna gag.
This is why we can't have nice things.
I posted about that a couple years ago. I think they will. With how they're coming up with paper thing screens and whatnot, I think they'll figure out a way to implant one under your skin.
I guess it technically wouldn't be a tattoo but imagine having the entirety of Fight Club on your bicep at all times!
I'd say being in a church gives you a far greater deal of experience with Christianity than reading their playbook. Besides, most of them don't even read it either. Just because it's a worshiped relic doesn't make its comprehension a necessity, that would invoke much cognitive dissonance.
Vagueness is an implied virtue of internetia.
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
The fact that you never read it means ANY new interpretation would give it new meaning, including a direct reading. I actually went to Catholic school for 12 years. I spent one class a semester devoted to Bible study. There's a reason we never got to Leviticus until junior year in high school. I went to church every Sunday, and that doesn't hold a candle to the horrors spread through the book itself. You won't need any new interpretation to appreciate the most horrific character in all of literature: God. Jesus was pretty chill, though. BUT he pretty much tells you to cut off your jerkin' hand, cuz, apparently, it's better to cut it off than to allow it to cause you to sin.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I'm familiar with all that the christianians and nons alike would espouse for one's viewing. Picking up a bible book is the same as ingesting Casablanca after watching every movie made after it.
Now let's say Casablanca takes 1000 pages of time to watch. I might actually sit through all of it if a 3D psychedelically colorized version is released in IMAX. So again, is there a place I can purchase this edition?
"They sold you hippies grunge, hip hop, now liberty activism."
I went to church every week until I was 12. They read directly from the Bible all the time for like 20-30 minutes at a stretch. It wasn't the parts where they feed peoples' corpses to dogs or some king or something tries to cremate people alive in his giant oven but still.
It wasn't until I started reading the Bible that I found out about that shit. That, and the dragons.
Reading the the bible and attending church are two completely divergent experiences. Both are bad for you if you are susceptible to suggestion or otherwise weak-minded, but the one can in no way compare with or take place of the other (and vice versa). The difference is akin to looking at and studying a cow and eating a steak. Sure, they're related experiences, but not really interchangeable.
This is why we can't have nice things.
What the fuck are you guys talking about.
Steak.
This is why we can't have nice things.
ooh, i had steak the other night.
I like steak.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Me too man, me too.
nuqjatlh pe-nugh
“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
You know, people like to say that, but damn, I have been out-Bibled by many a fundamentalist in my time. In my experience, the "Christians never read the Bible" stereotype holds laughably little water.
There is hope, but not for us.
I don't know what you all are on about. The bible is tons of fun for a read.
True enough.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Yeah there is tons of elements that we have in our movies nowadays. Natural (or not) disasters, murder, mass murder, slavery, whores, pimps, wars, not to mention the end of the world. Its like Terminator Salvation, meets 2012, meets New Jack City, with a little Braveheart thrown in, and of course "The Passion"
“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
you forgot sodomy, demons, plagues, and it's all about the miracles
that story of Ehud and Eglon is one of the most gruesome and hilarious short stories I've ever read. It's beautiful!
Spotting OJ in that gif just made my morning.
you forgot sodomy, demons, plagues, and it's all about the miracles
Hahahaha. This too.
IS THERE NO SUBTLETY LEFT IN THIS WORLD.
subtlecaps
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
It died after Scary Movie 3, according to Community's newest episode.
Si vis pacem, para bellum
I don't get it.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Word up!