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Big Fat White Man

[center][b][color=red]Fat[/color] White [color=blue]Man[/color][/center][/b]

[color=gold]Nightmare[/color]:

I'm a child, no more than 5 years old. I'm sitting in a wide circle in a small room. The wall running parallel to my back is colored light brown, tan; various pieces of 2d artwork from the kids are scattered about on its surface. On its other side, pictures of past administrators and plaques hang in an ordered fashion facing the main entrance area or lobby of the building. The lobby is distinguished by dark red, or maroon, walls. The entrance itself is to the north, which is to my left on the other side of the wall, The reception desk, with a snotty bloated woman whose hair is jet black and looks like a terrible wig, is situated right next to the entrance of four double glass reinforced doors. The reception desk faces the eastern wall which is encumbered with a near empty trophy case. There are two main hallways. One runs along the western wall and begins opposite the four double doors across the lobby. The hallway is the longest, it runs south for nearly a whole town block and various short hallways interconnect it with its twin that runs along the eastern wall. This wall runs across the lobby which cuts it into two pieces. The north piece is short, only a few rooms feed off it. The southern tail of the eastern hallway runs all the way down and finishes flush with its twin on the side. A short hallway connects the two at that end. The tails of these hallways open to two double doors each which lead to the vast parking area where buses, cars, and semis are constantly on the move.

This area reminds me of a busy airport. The big buses are the stand commercial airplanes that carry people who always buy the cheapest ticket they can find, even if for only $5 more they could save three hours of time. The semis are big Boeings. The cars are the little pullers that drag the planes into the right spots.

Anyway, the lobby is empty, but the room I'm in is not.

We are playing a game - duck duck goose perhaps. Only the southern half of the circle is visible. My hair is sort of long. I'm wearing a yellow and red horizontally striped shirt and jeans. My gym shoes are worn and white. The carpet is blue, grayish. I see a boy, or is it a pigtailed girl? The boy is blonde; the girl is a light brunette. They are moving counter-clockwise. Tapping heads as they pass by with their right hand reaching across their stomach to touch the head now falling behind. Their spines, along with their backs, twist leftward awkwardly. They are both smiling. I'm watching, hoping that I'm not the goose. It seems like they are perpetually looping in the center of the north side of the circle across from me.

Suddenly, a big fat white bald slob pig with a great big potbelly disguised badly as a man bursts through the wooden door to my right. A big ol' hole reveals itself through the body of the processed wood. The door stands there gaping. The big fat white man is struggling to break through completely. He is in a terrible hurry. I sense a hunger about him. It's a mixture of genuine love and pure passionate lust. At the time, I didn't know what either meant. I stare at the big fat white man. I know he's coming for me, but I cannot move. I know I shouldn't look at this big fat white man, but I cannot stop. I know I should fear this man, but I don't.

* * *

It's dark; yet warm. I'm standing in a room, but I sense no borders. Despite no visible light whatsoever, I can see my hands and body perfectly. I'm looking forward. I'm looking around me. I feel comfortable. I feel safe. A hand touches my shoulder, my left shoulder. The hand is moist and hot. It grips my shoulder gently, but firmly. I look up behind me. The big fat white man stands over me, looking down into my eyes lovingly. His eyes have a ferocious zeal to 'em. It's not anger or rage. It's something else - something more powerful than that. The big fat white man says something, but I cannot hear. A shrill ringing and hissing bogs my ears and I feel stuffed. I nod to whatever he, the big fat white man, says.

I look forward again. I feel the moist, chubby hands slide down to my bare hips. He begins to caress me. I can feel his short hot breaths against the back of my neck. The potbelly of the bug fat white man rubs against my lower back. My muscles tense. My heart begins to overwhelm me. My hands turn into ice. I do not move. I do not make a sound. I stare forward.

I revert back to the sight of the big fat white man bursting through a hole in the wooden door. This time I'm fearful. I want to cry. The dread that I'm feeling I wish would go away. I don't want this! I try to move but I can't. Someone's holding me. I struggle, but I'm too weak; too small. My body begins to tremble uncontrollably and I think I pee-d my pants. What's going on?!

* * *

I often wonder why this nightmare scares me and why it keeps repeating itself throughout the years of my life. Did something horrible really happen to me when I was a child at that building? If something did happen, how come I can't remember it? Is it too painful; too utterly devastating that my mind just shut itself down and let me forget?

I don't remember much which is odd. I went to that building for three years, but the only things I remember besides the nightmare is waiting at the bus stop and riding on the bus home, sitting quietly alone in the way back. I'm curious as to what happened at that building. Yet something deep down inside me is telling that it's best that I don't. I shouldn't know. It's a secret better left buried forever.
But I need to know.

[color=silver]Ruminations: Big Fat White Man[/color]

[b]UPDATE[/b]:

A couple months ago, i decided to visit that school. The nightmares wouldn't stop and the pig was becoming more and more real. The realization of what could've actually happened drove my life into a stalemate. i couldn't work, so i lost my job. i lost my appetite, so i lost weight. i couldn't sleep, so i lost time.

i thought i could just write about this and be done with it. But the Devil had more games to play and I was in no condition to resist. I drove to where the school had been. It took me a while to find the place. It's been over 20 years since i last stepped into that building. When I found the building, there was nothing there. It was totally vacant. There was a sign taped from the inside on a glass door. On it, it detailed the institution's new home. I wrote down the address and sped away.

15 minutes later, I pulled up into a parking lot not much larger than my parents'. The building was about a quarter of the first building's size. A relatively puny structure. I parked my car and walked inside. The building was different but I still sensed the same sort of aura I felt in my nightmares.

I looked around. The place was different yet strangely familiar. There was a glass display case on the far left wall filled with trophies and various plaques marking certain achievements. I didn't read them. I wasn't interested. A woman arose from her chair behind a large horseshoe desk. She was typing something when I walked in and I guess she finished and decided to inquire about my business.

"May I help you sir?"

I flinched. Even though I'm nearing my 30s, I'm still not accustomed to being addressed as "Sir." I looked around nervously. The lady, quick to notice my agitation, smiled reassuringly and waited patiently.

"I used to come here," I started abruptly.

"You used to work here?"

I shook my head. "No. I came here as a child. Over 20 years ago, I attended this place. I spent three years here. I always wanted to come back and visit."

She nodded.

"I tried the other place but a sign said that you moved here."

Her eyes alighted with acknowledgement. "We moved here five years ago. The building you remember we no longer have offices in."

"Yeah," my hands began to sweat. I came here to ask about the big fat white man but I didn't know how to ask. I wasn't even sure if my nightmares were real or purely fictional. My throat dried up and my eyes began to water; I knew I had to do something before I lost my nerve completely.

"The reason I came back is because all I remember from this place is a woman who resembled Shelly Long," the lady just continued to nod whenever we made eye contact, clearly waiting for me to finish and leave, "and a certain man. He was bald or balding; and had a big potbelly. I don't know why that's all I remember. I spent three years here, but,"

"He doesn't work here anymore," the lady spat.

"?" was all I could manage.

"He doesn't work here anymore," she repeated as she moved toward her desk. Clearly she was done and didn't want to talk anymore. I stood still for minute, utterly in shock by the revelation. My nightmares were real. At least the big fat white man was real. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say anything anyway. I popped a mint, smiled to woman and quickly walked out of the building and into my car.

I sat in my car for ten minutes going over what had taken place in just two minutes max. Afterward, I lit a square up and drove away. I made up my mind to come back to that place. The answers to my nightmares lay within that building. It may be a different building physically, but spiritually and emotionally, it was still the same. I knew I could never really live out my life until I resolved what happened there. If anything happened at all. But for now, I was satisfied that I wasn't insane; that my nightmares had some sort of basis in reality. I could eat now. I could sleep now. Tomorrow I'll go job hunting.

[b][center]FIN[/center][/b]