Sometimes you just gotta rant
Well, I know I get mad. Maybe you do to. Feel free to use this thread to rant on.
I'm going to start it off.
I fucking HATE saying goodbye.
In fact, I usually do so with a slap to the tit and as few words as possibly. Maybe as few as "hey, where's my change, I gave you a fifty." Nobody pays that much for a suck off, no matter how romantic.
One time I was at my friend Justin's house chilling and beatboxing. Now, Justin is a pseudonym for my friend Rachel, but since that bitch won't accept a drink from me anymore, I'm going to change her name out of spite. So there we were at Justin's place when her dad comes in. He looks tired again, and is stumbling around slurring his words in anger.
One time I asked Justin why her father always yelled and threw things, and why his breath smelled like my uncle's car seats, she said it was because he was tired, and he became mad when he got tired. Now I was only a pretty big kid at the time, and I didn't yet know of the joys and smells of cheap whiskey. I wish I could ask her today what he was thinking drinking so much when he was that tired and angry... such a waste of good liquor.
So anyway, the important thing to remember was that I loved Justin. She is the only good friend I've ever had these feelings for. And I've never spoken of them before this day.
One time I was coming over to Justin's house to play. I was really excited... so excited I even brought some of my dad's beer so we could get wasted. When I got there the door was locked. Fucking inconsiderate of them to lock me out like that, I thought as I broke a window out back and climed in.
I walked up the stairs, taking two at a time, because lets face it: far from being a slobbery wet-assed man mower, I was a pretty big guy.
I got to her room just as her father was stumbling out. He looked dishevelled so I told him to have a drink and get some sleep before he hurts someone or himself.
He just looked at me and said:
"Immagum wha, whora blum... ma tmmmb" I never found out what language he was speaking... probably wop.
As I boldly walked into Rachel's room, and pinched her ass hello, I noticed that instead of greeting me happily, or as is more common giving me an apathetic "oh hey" she was shaking on the ground weeping.
GAY, I thought to myself.
But, having nothing better to do, I got down there with her, and stayed there until she stopped.
"are you alright?" I asked. I was starting to get worried, because those beer I brought were getting warm.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she said.
"I don't understand... I brought you beer" I motioned to the beers. Getting warmer bitch, I thought.
"I can't... I can't stand that you saw that...." she replied.
"Saw what?" I asked puzzled. I actually was more drunk than puzzled. I had originally brought more beer than I had on me, but the walk is like ten minutes.
"... please don't, you saw... my dad..." she weeped. I HATE when girls weep. Why can't they just punch weaker people like guys do?
"Your dad?" I asked... then suddenly it dawned on me. "oh... he was probably just so tired that he stumbled into the wrong room. I have an uncle who goes into other people's houses by accident all the time. He gets so tired that sometimes he even mistakenly sells their stuff to pawn shops. When he gets some sleep, I'll bet he just feels right foolish"
She started crying again, so I tuned her out and opened a beer.
After about three more, and her pleading for me not to make it harder (believe me, at this point I doubt I could have made it hard if I was offered a free suck off), I stood up and said... "ok, if you're sure you want me to leave... I'll miss you."
Now I was feeling damn emotional. Don't get me wrong: I'm no pillow biting gas station cock gobbler. But losing the woman you love is about as hard a thing as you'll ever face. The only thing that came close was getting to level 7 on the original mario then having my mom trip over the wire and ruin my game.
As I slowly walked away I heard her call my name.
"Wait.."
I turned, hopeful...
"yes?"
A single tear rolled down her pretty face, and she said in a barely audible whisper, a ghostlike mournful sigh," nothing.... goodbye."
My heart broke in that instant, and I knew it was goodbye for real.
Wiping the tear from my own eye, I licked the palm of my hand and have her tits, very well developped for a girl her age, a good slap. Then I walked out of her life.
I didn't see Justin again until college, when I as at a party and I offered to make her a drink. Not just any drink my patented whiskey/vodka/tequilla/unlabled bottle power drink. I ended up spilling some on her dress and she didn't talk to me again, or accept another drink from me. I think she likes beaver now.
[QUOTE=That guy]Now I was feeling damn emotional. Don't get me wrong: I'm no pillow biting gas station cock gobbler.[/QUOTE]
Nice. That's the only line of the whole thing I read! You oughta try summarising your stories for posts in GD.
i stopped reading at slap on the tit.
I absolutely despise talking on the phone but i don't think i got it in me to go off on a rant about it right now
True love is tough.
And I know the Mario feeling from back in the day.
So, this rant. You are actually aware that your uncle did not sell shit to pawn shops by accident, and that her father could have just been raping her, and you should have hit him over the face with that beer bottle, right?
It's just I'm not too sure you are.
Jack, I'm a better writer than you and I could easily kick your ass in a fight.
i like that you changd her name to justin, excellent.
I HATE gambling.
The other day I was down at the local 5 and dime... now, five and dime is a pseudonym for 7-11, but I don't want Sanji to connect this story to me, so I've changed the 7-11 on Gladestone Ave to the 5 and dime at Place D'Orleans.
Ok, so the important thing to remember is, I've never asked a man to hold my cock while I pee before. Normally I'd think this kind of cooky shenanigans belongs in a gay disco. Today, however, I was kind of in a bind.
Here's the story, such as it is. I was at the 5 and dime, and I was playing pennies with some local toughs. I was totally winning I think.
That's the other thing. Nobody in the history of the world has ever really understood how to play pennies. They just throw their pennies and the person with the biggest dick declairs himself the winner. If you are playing pennies with a girl then you are a faggot, but are guaranteed to win.
I fucking HATE playing pennies.
So there I am, and I"m doing well. I even whipped out my cock to prove that I'm totally owning everyone. Then this guy Darnel comes along. Now darnel is a pseudonym for... actually I never caught his name, lets call him the FUCKING CHEATER.
I HATE fucking cheaters.
This guy came into the game with a handful of pennies and a huge fucking hardon. No way could I win while this guy's got a raging erection.
So I turn to my friend Stan and tell him to get me some porno from the Five and Dime. "Dude, I don't know if 7-11 sells porn..." he stuttered. I gave the bitch a mushroom slap and told him to get me the fucking porno one way or another. See, Stan was out of the game a long time ago, on account of his tiny penis. I guess it would have been fairer to give Stan a pseudonym... oh well.
When Stan gets back with the porn, I tell him to open it to anything japanese. He flips through the magazine and finds a cartoon of a japanese business man humping a blow up doll. Below was the caption: "when I ordered you from catarog I expected somering runger." I found the stereotype mildly offensive, but the situation highly erotic.
I felt my mighty sock soiler fill with precious blood fluid. My penis enlarged to competition size and I was back in the game.
Then it happened. As I was turning around I accidentally brushed up against Stan.
FUCKING GAY!
But that wasn't the problem.
I had to pee. My desire to pee was stealing my competitive erection. I knew I had to drain that beast before I could win any pennies, so I let my stiff pipecleaner relax and go limp again. I tried to pee quickly, but I was having trouble. You see, it was too soon after an erection, and there were too many people watching.
I FUCKING hate that.
"Stan" I said. "You've got to help me out dude. Just shake it around a little until I get a flow going."
"No way man, that sounds kind of gay" he said.
"Dude, I'd do it for you, my hands are fucking full with pennies! " I replied.
"really? You would?" He asked.
"fuck no, not your tiny wang, what would be the point."
I'm getting side tracked. The important thing to note is that I'm a pretty big guy, and nobody calls me a nut fondling ass carpender and gets away with it.
"Stan, if you don't jiggle my cock a little, I'm going to pinch your scrotum again" Stan hates it when I pinch his stcrotum.
Soon Stan was jiggling my ween and I was able to pour forth a mighty river of recycled apple juice.
Smiling I regained my erection by pinching Stan's scrotum. Turning around with my cock throbbing with competitive spirit I noticed that everyone was avoiding meeting my eyes... especially Darnell.
Looking down I noticed that the pile of pennies I had won were covered in semen, and Darnel no longer has his impressive erection.
Scooping up my winnings I counted them out 55 pennies. Putting all my sticky pennies in my pants pocket I went home. Bus fare cost me $2.75.
I fucking HATE gambling.
[QUOTE=morey;917536]i stopped reading at slap on the tit.[/QUOTE]
Same.
There is hope, but not for us.
whats a mushroom slap?
google it
no i don't do that unless i have to, i'd rather imagine it, but i'm having trouble.
It involves penises, you don't even want to know.
There is hope, but not for us.
oh well, there [I]was[/I] a lot of penis in that story.
I didn't read that story either; should I?
There is hope, but not for us.
Of course.
is your name actually Jack Parsons? because that name sounds very familiar to me but I can't place it
nevermind
he's the jet engine wacko
Nah, Jack Parsons was a crazy rocket scientist. He was buddies with L Ron Hubbard (founder of scientology)
Really interesting guy actually.
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Parsons[/url]
I really suggest the book [i]Sex and Rockets: The Occult World of Jack Parsons[/i]
[url]http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Rockets-Occult-World-Parsons/dp/0922915970/sr=8-2/qid=1169098242/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/104-9449496-2937563?ie=UTF8&s=books[/url]
EDIT: haha, yeah the jet engine wacko
he's no Tesla
now [i]there[/i] was a fruitcake
What about the Orgone Accumulator guy? Orgone being the energy released by an orgasm which could allegedly power mechanical devices and heal the sick and whiten your teeth while you sleep.
what about him?
that shit works!
These rants have a strange Letters to Penthouse meets Kevin Smith quality. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Too homoerotophobic
Thomas Edison invented the word 'Hello', so suck on that.
[QUOTE=corellion;917860]Thomas Edison invented the word 'Hello', so suck on that.[/QUOTE]
Before that, the standard greeting was to cripple and incapacitate friends, relatives, and business associates with your amazing proficiency in Southern Praying Mantis Kung Fu!!
alexander graham bell wanted to typical telephone greeting to be "Ahoy hoy" until hello took over as the most popular
i learned that on the Simpsons
I wanna make a parody thread called "Sometimes you just gotta pant" and discuss seeing very sexy women. But I ain't makin' no more threads. There are plenty already. Mostly duplicates anyways. If I can't find it in the search, it don't need to be said.
Nate's last post reminds me of Spaulding from Caddyshack - "Ahoy Paloy, where'd you come from, a scotch ad?"
"well she's either a cruel horny bitch or she might actually like you." - audreythirteen
i had a fucked up dream before where some little old lady with gray thinning hair was chasing me around like some whacked out benny hill sketch it seemed like i had slept with her and realized how big a mistake it was and was trying to get away
she had a nickname for me too! Fancypants! when she'd find where i was hiding from her she'd wave a little hanky and go "yoo hoo fancypants!"
i thought i got away by ducking into a theater and sitting down in the front row but guess what? yep she was already in there and i happened to sit down right next to her
she said something like "I got you now Fancypants" and i went to jump up and ran away right as her arms encircled me and then i woke up
I fucking HATE modern cartoons
Picture a serene landscape of pastel hills and valleys. Now picture an amazingly drawn cartoon rabbit being hunted by an exceptionally drawn hunter, in full period costume. The hunter turns to the camera, and in a soliloque reminiscent of Hamlet discovering prone Claudius praying for redemption before the altar of Christ, he begs the audience to indulge him in a moment of silence, for he is surely hunting rabbits. Then he sneaks up to the rabbit, in magnificient mime, like a young Charly Chaplin, and aims his double barreled gun. Inevitably he is doomed to failure, because the rabbit has outwitted him.
Why can't all cartoons be about stupid drawn animals being racist to blacks and japanese people? Back in my day cartoon black people ate watermelon, and you didn't hear them complaining! Also, the Japanese had small squinty eyes and plotted against american animals with their evil laughter ecoing through thier cavernous front teeth. They certainly didn't fight robots, or shoot lazers from their eyes/hands/feet(?)/peckers. It just wasn't done.
No, the days of good cartoons are over. After all, who could possibly top the racist antics of a cartoon rabbit or mouse? Animation died in the fifties.
Then another great show came along. Rocko's modern world. It was a revolutionary show about... animals. Only they didn't eat cud and run around procreating. No, they lived fulfilling human lives, and forwarded the great cause of western style consumerism, with just enough gastric farce to make even the youngest target belly laugh to the adventures of Heffer the cow. What great names too, imagine a cow naming her son Heffer. Hahaha. I can hear it now.
I don't like new cartoons. Would you believe that shows like the simpsons or family guy actually only use 25 frames per second!?! HAHAHAHAH, amateurs. They were using many more frames than that in the 40s just to get the giant buck teeth of a japanese kamakasi the right shade of yellow. There is also a troubling undertone of subversion that I detect in thier show. For some reason these shows aren't glorifying thoughtless consumerism or racial hatred with every joke. Didn't they grow up on great shows like the looney tunes? What lazy writers.
Moslty though, I deplore the sad state of cartooning where a black man can't even eat a watermelon, and a jap can't even squint and plot. It's unconscionable.
Coming soon, a rant about how these new fangled sitcoms don't use enough facial expressions, not at all like the great oldies like I love lucy....
just kidding
[QUOTE=Spike;917865]Before that, the standard greeting was to cripple and incapacitate friends, relatives, and business associates with your amazing proficiency in Southern Praying Mantis Kung Fu!![/QUOTE]
There was in fact no standard greeting before this. People used to exclaim "Hullo" which was an exclamation of surprise. This is straight from the mouth of QI's front man, Stephen Fry.
[QUOTE=Jack Parsons;917845]Nah, Jack Parsons was a crazy rocket scientist. He was buddies with L Ron Hubbard (founder of scientology)
Really interesting guy actually.
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Parsons[/url]
I really suggest the book [i]Sex and Rockets: The Occult World of Jack Parsons[/i]
[url]http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Rockets-Occult-World-Parsons/dp/0922915970/sr=8-2/qid=1169098242/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/104-9449496-2937563?ie=UTF8&s=books[/url]
[/QUOTE]
good book. interesting guy. he was a thelemite, if i'm not mistaken. which i may be.
and speaking of good old L'Ron. i hate scientologists and the fact that they don't know their whole religion was founded on a bet. as in, L'Ron (at caltech): "i bet i could found a religion based on a pyramid scheme." and he did it. and now we've got a bunch of rich motherfuckers like tom cruise running around spouting bullshit and aliens and such.
bah.
[QUOTE=corellion;918066]There was in fact no standard greeting before this. People used to exclaim "Hullo" which was an exclamation of surprise. This is straight from the mouth of QI's front man, Stephen Fry.[/QUOTE]
Actually the phrase Hello has a comedic background. Back when pilgrims use to rape little indian girls, the victims would shout something like "ello" loudly. Pilgrims began greeting each other with "ello" followed by a knee slap and a giggle. It stuck ever since...
I know I know, it's a weird thing to shout while taking it by surprise. But those Indians...they were somethin..
[QUOTE=Jack Parsons;918207]Actually the phrase Hello has a comedic background. Back when pilgrims use to rape little indian girls, the victims would shout something like "ello" loudly. Pilgrims began greeting each other with "ello" followed by a knee slap and a giggle. It stuck ever since...
I know I know, it's a weird thing to shout while taking it by surprise. But those Indians...they were somethin..[/QUOTE]
Not it didn't. This isn't even an urban myth. This is just you being even more boring. I suspect you are in fact JackNorton.
[QUOTE=Jack Parsons;918048]I fucking HATE modern cartoons
Then another great show came along. Rocko's modern world. [/QUOTE]
Rocko's Modern Life...which had an amazing bachelor party episode where the guys go out on an ice cream bender, end up wasted and full of regret...
[QUOTE=Jack Parsons;918048] There is also a troubling undertone of subversion that I detect in thier show. For some reason these shows aren't glorifying thoughtless consumerism or racial hatred with every joke.[/QUOTE]
I hope this is sarcastic.
I also hate modern cartoons!
Hanna-Barberra Forever!
Robotech Never!
travel agents can be whiney asses.... ugh.
I'm going to post a big long ass rant of my own but I got to wait until this hits a third page because no way I want something like that buried at the bottom of page 2
[QUOTE=corellion;918236]Not it didn't. This isn't even an urban myth. This is just you being even more boring. I suspect you are in fact JackNorton.[/QUOTE]
Jesus Christ shut up...It was just supposed to be a joke about survivalists and christians.
[QUOTE=monkeywright]I hope this is sarcastic.[/QUOTE]
If sarcasm is putting an end to corellion and spikes myth-fest then yes.
I'm actually telling the truth, and my reply was post-ironic.
actually, mine is the correct and true answer
Google it!
Mine is actually though: [url]http://www.collectorcafe.com/article_archive.asp?article=800&id=1507[/url]
Yeah, Damnit. I gotta work on my e-truth/bullshit reader
No worries. You're what we in the business call a spuggart.
[QUOTE=nathaniel parker;917870]alexander graham bell wanted to typical telephone greeting to be "Ahoy hoy" until hello took over as the most popular
i learned that on the Simpsons[/QUOTE]
This is also true and was included on the episode of QI.
I fucking HATE people that beleve in alien-man love
Would you fuck an alien?
Women dig bald men. Captain Kirk digs blue chicks. Christians dig fetuses.
The liberal media would have us believe that alien-man love is completely normal. That it is just another way to love. Who wouldn't fuck a vulcan? And so, day by day, hour by hour, we experience the deluge of pro-alien messages through the flickering omnipresence of the network will.
I'm here to tell you brothers, alien-man love is a myth. How do we know? There are 7 pieces of evidence that supports the assertion that mankind (or womankind for you egg spewing human offshoots) and alienkind were never meant to share physical or emotional union. This isn't like man and robots. It isn't even like man and certain equestrian species. The unique dynamic betwix man and martian is of such a nature as to preclude the possibility of love.
Lets examine the evidence against man-alien love.
1. The media is controlled by the left, and is well known for lying to the public in order to destroy family values and turn man into just another primate. The ultimate goal is to create such a breadth of self-loathing that we will willingly copulate with silicone based life-forms in order to elevate ourselves from our primal state into a superior one. Read your Hegel.
2. Roswellian Supermen are our masters. After the fall of the Theban empire in intergalactic space, there was an artificial attempt at cultural and physical integration between humans and aliens. But the recent Grey Supremacist movement should show clearly how unfeasable any such integration would be. If you don't beleive me, get yourself audited.
3. The movie predator.
4. Aliens cannot get aids. This is a fact, as most alien species, like the jews, have burning hot acid for blood. It's also a known fact that the only natural love is a love that can transmit AIDS. It shows that the biological processes of love are shared, and the same. Sameness is the foundation of true love. This is why homosexuals can marry in Norway.
5. If you decode the crop circles they spell out a message. "I'm using you for your water." Aliens aren't interested in a long term relationship. They're just here for your H2O. Make no mistake, when the effects of time dry up our lakes, and wrinkle our beaches, the aliens will move on the sexier pastures in the Androgena system.
6. Fossil Fuels. What Really happened to the dinosaurs?
7. The final and most important reason that alien-man love can never work out, is that our dicks are too small and we just can't fuck. Sure, we might intrigue them with our shakespeare and tang, but when it comes down to a choice between a human pecker and an uncircumcised 16 inch vulcan cock, the aliens will always chose that celestial pocket rocket. That is, if aliens had pockets.
I thinks its clear now that this is a love that cannot be. For every time you masterbated to Marvin Martian, ET didn't masterbate to you. Love cannot blossom in a one-way relationship, there needs to be give and take on both sides.
Sure, they gave us the pyramids, but baby, that won't keep us warm in the middle of the night... *
I'm sorry spock, it's over.
*Maybe if it was really cold out and you crawled into the pyramid to get out of the wind, but even then...
I HATE it when people say something sounds like "this" with a little tinge of "that" quality.
I can't tolerate intolerant people -- And I'm very open minded... :11:
you know what i fuckin hate so much? when people in a store get impatient at the line and do that stance of looking around and blinking alot and breathes hard.
also when im in a book store with my hoodie and BDUs with combat boots and the store clerk is all nice to me but the customers are like all like "rarrr whatta freak!" like wtf? aren't bookworms some of the more open minded folk? whats the deal WHATS THE FUCKIN DEAL !?
i know they aren't the longest rants, but okay whatever
I'm not gonna read all that.