Some old stuff from a new old member.
I have been going through and archiving a shitload of stuff and came across this written for a homework assignment here yonks ago. I don't recall what the specific assignment was but it was filed under Cult in my mass of crap. This was published under a different name and longer form in a now defunct local zine in uh...06 I think. I read it in this form locally a couple of times as well. Enjoy Culties.
Give it to me.
Big fucking stick.
No wait even better how about this? How’s about you and me go down to the ghetto. You know where it’s dark and the streetlamps, where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a crack head, dealer, pimp, hooker or other ne’er do well.
So yeah, right. Let’s you and me go down into the ghetto dressed up as cowboys. Go rent one of those big monster trucks. No I’m serious man. Big Stetson cowboy hats and those huge ‘pry your balls off’ belt buckles. So we get the stuff right? Right you still with me here? Ok. So we get a bunch of stuff. Rebel flags, W.A.R stickers and shit.
Come on I’m serious. This is a good idea it’ll be great I swear. So we get the white power stuff and go into the ghetto. It’s gotta be on a Friday night. Yeah like right around two when the bars all close. So we go blaring some big hardcore skinhead nazi music.
I mean right down the middle of the neighborhood. Big speakers. Shut up listen.
So then we stop you know maybe right in the middle of the projects and start handing out pamphlets. You know all about how the Whites are better and gonna rule the world again. And how OH, wait a sec. What if we got some of those Klan guys? You know bring along some sheet wearin cross burnin’ mother fuckers.
So yeah. We get there and start this huge fight. Bats, guns the whole nine yards. Go out fighting for uh..the man I guess.
So what do you think?
Fine. Don’t like that idea how about this one. You ready? I am totally sure this is it. No I’m positive.
So we strip, and then shave. Yeah shave it all off. Dude you’ll feel like you’re twelve again. So we’re shaved right? And then we slather ourselves in that quick tan oil spray shit. All over the place.
Yes I mean all over. From taint to toes and back. Crack and all. Don’t cringe I’m not even to the good part yet. So we get all oiled up and then find some tin foil. Well aluminum foil but yeah foil. We go up to the roof around 11-ish and foil about a good 12 by 12 area. Lay back and fry.
Hell yeah. I mean we stay there from 11 until the sun goes down. It’ll be like a spirit quest. No water no nothing. Well yeah, hello I know it’s fucking July and we’re in a record heat wave. I bet we could have heatstroke by two tops.
Go out crispy friend. Look like one of those people who’s lived in the desert for thirty years. Oiled leather. Makes you wanna touch yourself doesn’t it? Come on admit it. Doesn’t the thought of your nuts being sautéed in the July heat just make you want to give yourself a little somethin somethin?
Well, it’s not my fault you’re a wimp. Hey don’t you close your eyes on me. Hey listen up bitch. I don’t hear you giving any bright ideas huh Sparky?
Aww what? I hurt your feelings? Come on man don’t do that. Jesus Mary and Joseph in a fucking rowboat don’t cry. I hate it when you cry like that. Oh come on, come on.
Yeah that’s it. Take a breath. Calm down. Relax. Yeah you just chill out. There you go. Ok you a little better now? Blow your nose. Good.
One more idea. This is the best. You ready?
What you don’t want to hear anymore?
Is that medication?
You know what? Fuck you. Fuck your medication, fuck your mother and most of all fuck your wimpy fucking nervous system.
I’ll be back mother fucker.
Why did my formatting go wonky? I hate it when that happens.