Short Short Story: "Sprinkles"
Sprinkles
"Yoshi is just Toad diluted for more moderate players," Jarrod tells me, "If you're looking for somebody light and, somebody fast...you need the real deal."
"The real deal..."
"Yeah, don't just settle for Toad-lite."
Jarrod and I sit on a big, ripped couch, gripping our N64 paddles. A trash bucket of ice water with a halved, two liter Pepsi bottle bobbing on top sits between us.
"Because Mario sucks, man. Balance sucks. You need purity."
"The real deal."
"Exactly. The real deal. Like one strength...one that's just absolutely top knotch, trail rated."
"But it's his game."
"Who's?"
"Mario's."
"Oh, I know."
We're quiet as the race begins and we're quiet all the way through. I take first and Jarrod, a bronze.
"In theory..." He trails off.
"Of course."
There is a silence as we read the stats and the next race--the Moo Moo one--begins. There is something about this nothingness that is so apealing to me. But I have to work tomorrow.
"So how was vacation?" He asks.
"All right."
"New Jersey?"
"...yeah. It rained a bit so the beach wasn't quite what we'd hoped for. Good to see the family though."
"Really?"
"Really. I mean, I don't mind the cousins and all that."
Another silence.
"Did you read?"
"Summer reading...I read 'Cat's Cradle'?"
"Weird stuff."
"Yeah."
The race ends and Jarrod trails with a close second.
"You've been practicing," He says.
"I swear, haven't played since I left."
"The least you could do was say you've been practicing."
"I've...been practicing."
"Well it's too late now man."
"I mean it."
"Uhh hmm."
"Every single day. Except Thursday when it was sunny."
A light corrupts the basement as someone opens the door upstairs and stumbles awkwardly down. Somepeople. It's Griffen and Dave.
"Hey buddy, how's it bee?" Asks a rather drunk Griffen.
"Well..."
"You missed out man," Dave informs me.
"Don't tell me."
He does. "The best oregano I have had the pleasure of sampling in my entire, nearly seventeen years of being."
"It's true." Says Jarrod apologetically.
"It was an honor, really."
"How does this always happen when I'm gone?"
"Looks like you guys started without us." Griffen says.
"Oh yeah, I forgot we were supposed to wait." Jarrod says, focusing back on Mario Kart. I pick my paddle up too and Griffen jumps for the third.
"You seriously need another controller." Says Dave.
"Seriously."
"If I had some money..." Says Jarrod.
"You need a job," I offer.
"Well..."
"Where's Steve by the way?" I ask.
There's a long silence as we all stare into the television. As the race ends, Jarrod sets his paddle down quietly, walks into the bathroom and shuts the door."
"Fuck man."
"What."
A pause.
"What."
"Steve's gone..."
"Steve's fucking dead."
"What?"
"Fuck me...you haven't heard?"
"I haven't heard anything."
"He's dust, man. He's in a fucking urn."
Another pause.
"Well...how..."
We're quiet for a long time as the stupid fish spits out my first place trophy. The game goes back to the start screen but nobody presses anything. We stare into the TV, the carpet, the cat toy maybe.
Someone presses the start button and we look at each other accusingly.
"I have an idea," Griffen mumbles.
Nobody says anything for a long enough time that he continues, "We should fucking smoke Steve."
"What?"
"It's what he would have wanted."
"That's a terrible idea," I say.
"I agree," Dave says solemnley.
"See."
"No, I think we should.
"You guys are fucking drunk."
No response.
"What about your parents? Won't they want to...won't they want to spread him or something?"
"Well we'd only use like a little pinch of sprinkles or so."
"You've got to be kidding."
Griffen gets up and stuffs his feet into his tied shoes.
"Now?" Asks Dave.
"Yeah man...I've got to for Steve."
"No. No, absolutely not."
"Why not?"
"Because it's the worst idea I've ever heard."
"But for Steve?" Dave asks.
"It's disrespectful."
"It would be disrespectful not to."
"You guys aren't leaving."
"Fine." Griffen says, and collapse back on the couch.
We watch the screen again.
Griffen stands back up, "Hey man, I forgot I needed to pick up my sister."
"No."
"Dude, you're fucking right. I'm retarded. What the fuck was I thinking?"
"You're not leaving."
"You can't keep me from picking up my sister."
I don't say anything and finally he walks past me. Dave follows soon after.
I sit on the couch alone, looking into the television. A few minutes later, Jarrod come out of the bathroom and sits down beside me, disturbing the ice in the trash bucket.
"Fuck man."
"Yeah..." I agree.
We sit quiet on the big, torn couch.
"Do you want to pack another one?"
It's not. It's about people playing N64 and smoking pot.
Join the workshop
Don't have any money.
Get a job?
Man, is there a reason you're being such a dick?
I'm just offering advice so you can join the workshop and actually benefit from other people's efforts. If I was being a dick I'd insult your story.
I like the tension around the one kid's suggestion to smoke the dead friend's ashes. There's a decent bit of subtext, hinting at the larger emotional wheels that are working, but the story maybe gives it all away too fast - doesn't quite achieve it's moment - or maybe it just needs more development. Have you considered working it into a short story, instead of a short short?
VP - Workshop Dog
I might. I wrote this a couple years ago in high school. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
[QUOTE=Harris;949913]Man, is there a reason you're being such a dick?[/QUOTE]
ooo, sensitive! you wont last long here.
sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot
[QUOTE=rachelgita;949961]ooo, sensitive! you wont last long here.[/QUOTE]
too much landry to do.
You won't post long here.
[QUOTE=Harris;949951]I might. I wrote this a couple years ago in high school. Thank you for taking the time to read it.[/QUOTE]
No problem, regarding your story. Regarding this thread, here's the thing to understand: the workshop requires participants to review five stories before making a first submission. So, people invested in that procress sometimes feel like a quick post to the Fan Submissions forum is a cheat. It's not a cheat. If it were, we'd eliminate it. It's especially good that we have a place where people can link up original photography and art projects, things that don't come under the workshop's parameters. But for fiction, you'll get more extensive feedback from more people if you decide to take the plunge and get that premium membership. The workshop's been a little slow for a while, so it takes patience, but I feel pretty strongly that the rhythm of life is changing around here. We're headed for an upswing.
Keep writing.
VP
VP - Workshop Dog
I'd be more than happy to review five people's stuff....I just don't have the money for a premium membership.
Mario Kart makes my life complete.
Interestingly enough the whole smoking ashes thing is based on a true story.
I'm sort of in the same [I]Kart[/I] as you (sorry.. I couldn't help myself..), with the whole membership thing. I've been unemployed for a couple months now and am waiting to move to get my next job.. but here's my review;
Stories chock full of dialogue generally don't move me much, because they seem not to tell enough; but I really liked your use of it, it definitley fit the situation, which was playing video games with friends, and the experience is usually only two-dimensional, not a lot of time for real thought. Towards the bottom, though, when the guy finds out about his friends death, it might help it a bit to explain some of his reactions, not neccesarily what he's thinking, because it would be sort of odd to just jump into that in this story, but what he's doing, how he's moving about and all.
Also, he doesn't demand to know how his friend dies, and just sort of lets the question die; but generally people need to get it straight in their heads what happened before moving on to resignation and such..
Otherwise, it was a good short. You had some good points, and observations; such as the 'nothingness' that the guy feels while playing, and how no one wants to hit the start button because it seems so inappropriate.
Join the workshop when you can though, not only is getting reviews on your own stories good, but reviewing others gives you a better feel for what you're doing.
[QUOTE=Harris;949977]Interestingly enough the whole smoking ashes thing is based on a true story.[/QUOTE]
The whole thing has the ring of autobiography to it. It's definitely the sort of thing that really happens, the sort of thing that teenage stoners come up with and/or argue about. Believability is not a problem for this story, at all. Aside from the points chimney scott just made about the too-rapid character movement/ lack of development... and skipping over his [I]need [/I]to know how the friend died, the path toward assimilating that knowledge, even as it finds its expression in some non-verbal, physical equivalency.
But the setting is a little bland, for my taste, and the situation stereotypical of teen years. A bunch of kids sitting around a video game, maybe smoking pot - otherwise making some reference to smoking pot - is so typical of this place in life we've all been one too many times, that your story risks not holding the reader's attention, especially for someone who no longer identifies with that phase of life.
I'd recommend focusing more deeply into the personalities and personal language patterns of the individual characters, while you tighten up the physical tracking through the scene. And for additional scenes, find some situations, or styles of interaction, that are less typical of just any set of teenagers, anywhere. Take risks. Surprise us. Shock us, even. If the writing is good enough, we'll still believe what you say.
VP - Workshop Dog
Thanks again to Chimney Scott and Vigorous Puppy for the feedback. In terms of the sparse description and personal feelings...I think I'd agree. I think I was really getting into Hemingway's style at the time....the sort of 'just the facts' straight reporting.
But here's another question...I'm not sure if I made this clear enough:
"A trash bucket of ice water with a halved, two liter Pepsi bottle bobbing on top sits between us."
This is supposed to be a description of a gravity bong. They're supposed to be seen having just smoked pot from the beginning.
Yeah, sorry; I didn't catch that the first time. But, if they are smoking, the 'just the facts' thing might not work as well as a more descriptive approach would on this story. You know.. you could even gradually move from just plain dialogue to longer descriptions to signify them getting more stoned.. But, yeah, being stoned, especially toward the end; try to elaborate a bit more.
[QUOTE=Harris;949986]
But here's another question...I'm not sure if I made this clear enough:
"A trash bucket of ice water with a halved, two liter Pepsi bottle bobbing on top sits between us."
[/QUOTE]
It stays true to just giving us a picture of what's there. Of this, Hemingway would approve. What Chuck calls "recording angel" is a good technique, and Hemingway is where it comes from. At least, the use of a strongly minimalist, dramatic point of view in American fiction goes back squarely to Hemingway. Where'd he get it? The playwright Anton Chekov. And it's fantastic, if you can convey the essence of a scene without going deep inside each character's head and shoveling out a ready-made interpretation. Stay with the instinct to convey signifcances in subtle ways, without explaining too much.
To quote Amy Hempel: "A story is not an explanation of itself."
In this case, the reader may need more. But there's several ways to deliver that something more without rattling off a big explanation. Anyone who hasn't smoked up in exactly that fashion may not know what you're talking about. They may think your characters are too lazy to leave the video game and walk to the fridge--hence, a makeshift alternate form of refrigeration. My first thought was "inelegant ice bucket," with "halved" meaning not "cut in two," but the actual beverage split between the gamers. that was my first read, and I've smoked from makeshift bongs - obviously - either too much or not enough.
VP - Workshop Dog
[QUOTE=corellion;949892]Get a job?[/QUOTE]
Or if you're 18 years old, free from all infectious diseases and illegal drugs (usually, they don't care about THC unless it's "problematic") and not drunk right now you could join the exciting world of plasma donation. You can earn up to $220 a month while helping save lives... by providing raw materials which go into a big fucking vat in Spain and are purchased by the pharmaceutical and cosmetics industries.
It's semi-painless!
Or donating plasma.
In any event...holy dialogue Batman!
I moved through the days like a severed head that finishes a sentence --- Amy Hempel
[QUOTE=Spike;950018]You can earn up to $220 a month while helping save lives...
It's semi-painless![/QUOTE]
Does that mean getting tapped four times?
Also, have you ever pissed blood, vomited, or passed out after donating?
VP - Workshop Dog
"Yoshi is just Toad ...
I'm not reading any further than that until someone assures me this isn't some piece of nintendo fan-fiction