Piece of writing
This is a piece of writing I wrote, kinda an opening to a short story, in a Fight Club-esque manner.
Be wary, the concept for it is totally different, I just happened to write it like this because it was the best way to start for me.
I know it's not in proper format, and that's because I'm a dumbass and wrote it on the facebook thing, which means I can't use tab, so I just wrote it how I usually write things on a facebook note. It's also an abridged version of what I want it to be. I chopped a bit off, just to give to the gist of what I'm doing.
I'm looking for tons of criticism, creative or not, because my friends are apparently not able to do so. They just give me half-assed comments on whatever...
My main concerns are the wordings right now, rather than the concepts.
I feel they're a bit dry as is, and would like help of sorts specifically on that.
But yeah, here you go, my writing in it's glory;
[FONT="Times New Roman"]"You can say I know a bit about statistics,
It's hard not to when you're someone like me.
For example, off the top of my head I can think of a few that may interest you:
946.
That's the number of billionaires alive and kicking today.
14 780 000.
That's the amount of money I make in dollars each year.
79,000.
That's the rough employee count for our corporation.
2.
That's how many bullets are about to enter my frontal lobe."[/FONT]
My ideas for now are to add more statistics or facts, in the style of those there, as well as making the dialogue run a bit smoother in the opening sentance, and everything a fair bit longer.
Thank you.
Edit: Because of the style I used (temportarily) I made the actual chunck a different font.
Seeing as some people couldn't tell...
Indeed.
It's not really a piece of writing, as said in the title.
More of a tiny exert from an opening I'm attempting to work through.
[QUOTE=YellowRedBlue;1112696]Indeed.
It's not really a piece of writing, as said in the title.
More of a tiny exert from an opening I'm attempting to work through.[/QUOTE]
i like it. post more
When I add more.
I'm slower than an ice age when it comes to this stuff.
[QUOTE=YellowRedBlue;1112708]When I add more.
I'm slower than an ice age when it comes to this stuff.[/QUOTE]
well. I am 25 and alot of the people here are saying I write like a child. I think it is because the don't get it. most people around here are young--your 16 arn't you.
keep at writing
Yeah, I'm sixteen.
And thank you for the... um, I guess it's support?
You keep writing too.
I don't mind your writing, I just hate your posts on dicks and shit, you know?
So if you lay off that, it'd be nice.
i am just trying to tell you what I think...
I know, and I'm supportive of that.
I just didn't know if you were supporting me, or what.
I'm sorry, I'm a bit out of it, don't take offense, but it's a character trait of mine.
Too little here to give you any kind of honest feedback. So this is all I got. Statistics are usually expressed in percentages or as relationships. If you're going to do it your way you need to say like... [I]946 billionaires... compare that to 7 billion people who aren't[/I] It's good that you presage the character's death. Too many beginning writers try to shock readers by springing crap like that on em.
If none of this makes snse, I'm pretty fucking wasted at the moment.
[QUOTE=Loren Vitale;1113274]Too little here to give you any kind of honest feedback. So this is all I got. Statistics are usually expressed in percentages or as relationships. If you're going to do it your way you need to say like... [I]946 billionaires... compare that to 7 billion people who aren't[/I] It's good that you presage the character's death. Too many beginning writers try to shock readers by springing crap like that on em.
If none of this makes snse, I'm pretty fucking wasted at the moment.[/QUOTE]
what`s the matter? 
take care
[QUOTE=Alexanderdeath25;1112713]well. I am 25 and alot of the people here are saying I write like a child. I think it is because the don't get it. [/QUOTE]
Actually, your writing is not sophisticated enough for people not to "get" it. Sorry if I sound arrogant, but you do too.
thanks for sharing.blackhawk tactical pants.
— Spambot
"I could have done worse!" exultantly cried the murderer Lebret, sentenced at Rouen to hard labor for life. — Félix Fénéon
Alright, I'll work on it /add more.
[QUOTE=YellowRedBlue;1113486]Alright, I'll work on it /add more.[/QUOTE]
adding more is a good idea. there is nothing wrong with clieche's. list and satistics are a huge part of modren life. There is a writer Douglas Couplan--coined the phrase "generation X" that wrote a book with pages apon pages of list. some people said it was just to take up space, however he claims it is to make a point about society. I'm not sure if I like Dougals' writing, really I don't, but that is because he's done it before me. Sometimes I dis-like things because I wish I had the courage to do them myself, and I dislike the person that has done it before me out of spit. This is a strong reaction.
Your young your pissed off. you see the lie.
Yeah books make me hateful because they stole my ideas too. FFS.
I am not sure what this is. is this the piece of writing
?