Exclusive! Chuck Palahniuk Being Stalked By Bear
[B][COLOR=Black][SIZE=7]Exclusive: Chuck Palahniuk Stalked by Bear[/SIZE][/COLOR][/B]
Portland, OR – Author Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club, Diary) is reportedly being followed by a North American grizzly bear, said Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge officials Monday.
“Well, I’ve been seeing this bear at readings and book signings for the past few months,”said Palahniuk. “He’s always sitting in the front rows and I’ve autographed a few things for him. I remember he wanted me to sign his back, but I made him promise not to get it tattooed on if I did. He seemed no stranger than most of my other fans, but a few nights ago I started hearing growls coming from outside my house. Then Monday night I woke up at 3 am and caught the bear looking in my bed room window. When he saw that I saw him, he ran off. I should of known that bear was trouble the minute I saw him. I mean, what the fuck is a bear doing at a book signing anyway?”
The bear is said to have a brown coat, be between seven and nine feet tall, weigh about 1300 lbs. and have a taste for honey. The bear is not believed to be armed but park rangers caution people not to approach him.
“He really seemed to like Guts. Y’know, I’ve made forty people pass out with that story,” exclaimed Palahniuk.
The bear is thought to be the same one that escaped Portland’s Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge in late September. The bear was being transported to Carterwood Animal Hospital to have an ingrown toe nail treated when park ranger, Wilhelm Sullivan, accidentally left the bears cage open after feeding it. The bears disappearance was not discovered until hours later.
“The cage was on the back of my truck along with my copy of Invisible Monsters,” said Sullivan. “Who knew the bear would read it and then try to track down Chuck Palahniuk? Most bears can’t read, but this one’s smart. Smarter than most average bears. I really can’t be blamed for this.”
“Chuck has a very loyal fan base,” said Dennis Widmyer, webmaster of chuckpalahniuk.net. “It isn’t a huge surprise that Chuck would have an obsessed fan. But a bear? Jesus Christ.”
Despite growing rumors, Widmyer was quick to deny allegations that the bear is author Will Christopher Baer in costume.
“Well, if it was Will Baer, that would just be fucking stupid,” said Wydmyer.
Will Christopher Baer could not be reached for comment.
Although being stalked by a grizzly bear could put him in grave danger, Chuck Palahniuk seemed at ease with the situation.
“I’m not worried about it,” said an unworried Palahniuk. “If he attacks me I’ll just put it in my next book. If Stephen King can write about the time he saw a dog barking at him, then I can write about getting chased by a bear. Of course I’ll have to add plenty of nihilism and social satire to the story though.”
You will never be famous.