Chuck's Short Stories...

"Knock,Knock" was AMAZING! I actually just got back from seeing him in Chicago. By far one of the best short stories he's written. Be ready for him in California. He's going to blow you away!

I wasn't blown away. I thought it was pretty stupid.

What's it about? No need for details. Just curious.

It's about this little boy whose mother leaves him with his father. The whole this is about how the father tells the little boy jokes, regular as well as knock knock jokes. The boy laughs but never understands the jokes. His father gets cancer when he is older and the boy learns the only way to cure cancer is by making someone laugh. He decides to try it on his father. He tells the father all of the jokes he used to tell him as a boy, but his father doesn't laugh. He cries. Anyways...the point is that the boy finds out his whole life he thought his old man was funny when in reality the boy was the joke. It's a great story. I did it no justice. You really just have to hear it. It's pretty gruesome, but it has a lot of little hidden meanings and puns. You just have to listen carefully.

isn't it basically a list of anecdotal stories. it's a story about a dad that told dirty joke stories to his son, or something like that.

Goody!

i really loved the pug dog story. i wish i had a copy of it, even an mp3, maybe.

pug story?

was that a non-fiction, Chuck? care to elaborate further?

CP mentioned the "Pug Dog" story on his Tour Stories CD #1 intro along with the "Heating Pad" story & "Porno Arcade Dead Guy" story. Anyone heard these?

I am not sure if these are actual fiction short stories authored by CP or just nonfiction "stories" he tells. Anyone know?

Is the "Pug Dog" story a short or verbal nonfiction story?

If it's short, do you know the title of it?

I swear, CP must have dozens of unpublished shorts we'll never see (I'd love it if someone could ask him during the tour) but here's the list I've made (*not published):

Negative Reinforcement
The Love Theme Of Sybil And William
Mister Elegant
Insiders
Cold Calling*
Love Nest*
Loser*
Fetch
Knock Knock*

i think it was a story that didnt make it into haunted, maybe. i dont remember.

the pug story was a story about a house painter who steals this pug from over this fence, because like no one ever seems to pet it or love it, or be home. and he loves this thing. it becomes his life. he cooks for it, he makes clothes for it. he sleeps with it. every night, this man, to unwind, he jacks off. he's done this forever. he puts the spent spunk and kleenexes in this waste can by his bed. right? so every morning this man wakes up to this little pug dog with shreds of white tissues stuck to his little black mug.

one day his doctor calls, and says he has to come in for a consultation. this is never good. your doctor, he would give you good news on a payphone, through a bullhorn. if you have to go in, you're dead. so he goes in and his doctor tells him he has AIDS. and his first question is, of course, in a quiet little mousy voice: could my dog get it? did i kill my dog?

Haha.

Amazing.

Do you happen to remember the title of this short story?

no, sadly.

i really liked Cold Calling when he read it on the Rant tour.

knock knock was alright. when the dad dies i think chuck started to tear up although it could have just been the light. it was pretty touching at that part.

what a gay.

The "Porno Arcade" story was one I heard him tell in Baltimore on the Pygmy tour. During the Q&A, the kid I was with asked him what his inspiration was for stories like "Guts" and "The Nightmare Box" from Haunted.

He told us the three stories that inspired "Guts", which were basically what's in "Guts" but that they happened to real people.

Then in regards to "The Nightmare Box", he told the "Porno Arcade" story.

Essentially, he was on a book tour and in one city the line for book signings and things was incredibly long. Finally, it was passed midnight, and the last person, a young guy, came up to the table. He was holding a big plastic bag, and he set it on the table and wanted to show Chuck his "art project." Inside the bag were all of these polaroids of old people, men and women. They seemed to be naked and asleep against this dirty white wall, like a coffin.

The boy explained that he worked in an arcade that housed a porno booth. What would happen was an old man would come into the booth, undress, and begin participating with himself in the viewing of the porno. His masturbation would cause him to go into cardiac arrest.

This, or old hookers would come and use the booth to shoot up heroin. Sometimes they'd overdose.

The boy would have to call the police, but before he did he would photograph these old, naked, dead people.

It was simply the saddest thing any of us had heard, and Chuck almost seemed on the verge of tears, as did most of us. He said he still sometimes saw those sad people in his mind, at night when he closed his eyes. But telling the story. Digesting it a little bit more. He saw the faces a little less.

Whoa.

Thank you so much for sharing.

You retold that very well.

So I assume the "Porno Arcade Story" is a nonfiction story that he turned into the short story "The Nightmare Box."

The "Heating Pad Story" must be a nonfiction story as well?

The "Pug Dog Story" sounds like it's an unpublished short story.

Thanks for the help.

Loser is the story that's published in the "Stories: All New Tales" edited by Neil Gaiman (and another author). Very cool anthology, with Straub also in there and a bunch of great authors and diffent styles. Gaiman's introduction says how they were looking for stories outside of genre labels that simply made the reader go "so what happens next?"

I just picked up this book from ebay. Looking forward to reading Loser for sure.

I was also very chuffed to find that as well as Gaiman and Straub, there are stories by Gene Wolfe and Michael Moorcock as well, both of whom are excellent sci-fi / fantasy authors.

Really quite an all star anthology.

Technically some of your list are in print:

'Fetch' was published in the Haunted – Dark Delicacies III Anthology by Howison, Del & Jeff Gleb, Editors. Running Press (Hardcover, 2009) Ace Books (Paperback, 2011) Ace ISBN: 9780441020195 298 pp.

Cool story - an interesting take on a 'killer' tennis ball.

'Mister Elegant' was published in Vice Magazine, December 2006 Vol 13, #12. I think you can still log in and get this in a digital copy. I had 3-4 copies for sale about 1-2 years ago, and sold them all pretty quickly on eBay for like $10 each.

Negative Reinforcement & The Love Theme Of Sybil And William were published in the now difficult to find Modern Short Stories literary magazine from August & October, 1990. CULTIES: I am looking to add these to my collection... PM me if you have one available. Do you know how many hits you get on Google for 'modern short stories' as a search query?

Thanks Johnny.

Playboy also recently published "Romance".

I think the only ones unpublished that I know of are:

Cold Calling
Love Nest
"The Pug Dog Story"

I am not a native speaker english and i want to ask a question about the story "knock knock", is there anybody read it? If you read it, I wanna ask about a joke in the story. I cannot understand this joke. Could someone make it clearer for me?
Here is the joke part:
---
And when he says, "Knock-knock."
And I say, "Who's there?" And he says, "Radio."
And I say, "Radio who?" And he's ALREADY started to bust a gut when he says, "Radio not I'm going to come in your mouth...." Then—what the hell—I just keep laughing. My whole growing up I figure I'm just too ignorant to appreciate a good joke.
---
I cannot get it. Especially "radio not" part, what does it mean?

When you say it out loud, it sounds like this:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Ready or not, I'm going to cum in your mouth.

Thank you so much. Do you think it may be about "no soap radio" jokes?

No. It's a play on words. "Radio not" sounds just like "Ready or not." I think you're looking into it too much. It's a very immature joke. No hidden meanings or anything.

It must not translate well.

Ok, I got it. Would you mind if I asked you more questions about the jokes in the story later? I am trying to translate it in my language.

Sure, though I haven't read the story in a long time.

These days I try to get my hands on all of Chucks short stories but so far I've found only a few.

Are there written versions of "Romance", "Insiders", "Cold Calling" and "Love Nest" out there? Would someone be willing to send me a copy of "Fetch" or "Knock Knock" (there's no way I could get an American Playboy from 2010)? Would be awesome!

'Fetch' (Haunted – Dark Delicacies III Anthology by Howison, Del & Jeff Gleb, Editors. Running Press (Hardcover, 2009) Ace Books (Paperback, 2011) Ace ISBN: 9780441020195 298 pp.) can be ordered on Amazon for $0.16 USD plus shipping, depending on where you are in the world.

'Mister Elegant' (Vice Magazine, December 2006 Vol 13, #12)can also be found and ordered on Amazon or other bookseller's websites.

PM me and I can see if I can help you out in attaining copies of these.

By far one of the best short stories he's written. Be ready for him in California. He's going to blow you away!