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Pygmy revisits fairytales!

I don't know about you, but I love the way Pygmy speaks. I've been phrasing things that way to my girlfriend...and she's not particularly happy with it...but, what'cha gonna do?

Anyway, I found these on Borders.com, Chuck wrote Pygmy's version of three classic fairy tales. So I thought I'd post them here for anyone to read. Enjoy!

Case Study: Operative Family Bear Animals
Existed once time traditional heterosexual family unit composed Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal, Offspring Bear animal, existing as proletariat family, laboring for to bring total fruits much future success to most-glorious nation state. As solely correct example, noble family of Bear animals occupy modest cottage containing practical, durable furnishings with foodstuffs provided by glorious, most-generous state.
As every all esteemed Bear animals native to state—Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal, Offspring Bear animal—all boast coats of most-deep fur coloring. All Bear animal display much strong vigor, great courage and intellect, performing top-joyous to labor lifetime in dedication to enlightened vision of state.
Occurring one occasion, did Mother Bear animal prepare breakfast meal consisting of stewed porridge. Through generous wealth fuel wood provided by state, did finished porridge occur too vastly heated for immediate consumption by animal family. Instead, voted Bear animals to labor—to vacate most-comfortable domicile and make labor within glorious salt mine, harvesting salt for the more-great glory of this top-glorious national homeland.
During absence Bear family from immaculate state-provided domicile, did arrive American trespasser criminal. Head of trespasser American festooned decadent golden hairs. Devil American criminal—in actual degenerate spoiled female youth, did violate vacant domicile of noble much-laboring Bear animals. Thereupon did American devil youth gorge own self consuming stewed porridge of breakfast meal, vociferous to declare initial hearty porridge of Bear animals too heated. Next porridge, too chilled. Final porridge, did glutton American greedily, fully theft.
Perhaps possible, such youth related sister sibling of corrupt American heiress Paris Hilton? Perhaps, merely coincidence. Perhaps all every citizen United State such finicky demon. Every always too hot, too cold, too dirty, too infested with lice, foreign foodstuffs always too imbued with rodent feces, too covered with larva of black housefly. No... Never nothing ever good quality enough for choosey American tourist.
Upon devastate breakfast porridge did devil American of golden hairs experience extreme sloth such typical of United State youth. Investigating state-provided sleeping mats, did devil child once more declare initial mat feel too solid. Declare second mat too yielding. Upon third mat did lazy, slothful trespass criminal achieve slumber.
Next now, trio mighty proletariat Bear mammals return subsequent diligent laboring in glorious salt mines of state. Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal with Offspring did repeat enter own domicile. Did discover breakfast meal of stewed porridge, consumed by trespasser. Next then did trio of Bear animal family make discovery of slothful American burglar making slumber upon state-provided sleeping mat.
Same now, golden-hair criminal awake, in manner of selfish, coward American make scream, most-loud, prior to attempt flee. Springing for escape fate, in vain did United State devil thief leap from sleeping mat for attempt evade noble Bear animals. Nevertheless did claws of Mother Bear animal seize trespasser by golden hair, halting escape. Quick, next now did savage jaws of Father Bear animal sink jagged teeths into screaming windpipe of imperialist criminal. Entire domicile filled dying screams, spouting blood of decadent state enemy. Only last did Offspring Bear animal plunge own immature claws within ribcage of golden trespasser, seizing alive, spasming heart muscle for to rip free of chest cavity. No-digested porridge of breakfast meal did pour from eviscerated bowel flesh of captured thief. Within next now, criminal slaughtered and Bear family feasting upon hot, steaming corpse, pausing only moment so enable trio of such noble laboring animals for crane all heads backward upon necks, making vast howl in unison, howling over devastation of defeated American, did Bear family shout:
Every All Glory to be Accomplished in Honoring Philosophy This Single Correct Homeland State

Case Study: Operative Witch
Occurring once time among passed years much-glorious history this national state homeland, existed most-wily clever female Comrade Witch. Boasted such-brilliant Citizen Witch much copious intellect. Labored much time noble Witch, for to construct entire own domicile, entire free-standing resident structure, employing solely sweetened confections, pastry baked goods, such variety decadent luxury commodity. Fabricate so-brilliant Comrade Witch entire edifice crafted of many tasty sugar candy. For fireplace chimney brick, composed infinite block peppermint candy.
Shingle of domicile roof layered waterproof from numerous narrow shingle licorice candy. House shutter—for to shuttering window—shutter labored of dense chocolate fudge candies. Side every wall composing house builded from bread-of-ginger embedded using corrupt amounts such delicious raisin fruit with generous fragments crushed walnut.
Talented Citizen Witch exhaust much state resources, squander such vast quantities time for erect so tempting yum-yum house of sweet corruption. Despite seeming waste such effort, in secret Comrade Witch much stealthy predator. Constitute brilliant political ally of state.
Forever, crafty Witch possess mind, utilize thinking machine of ticking clock. Forever patient, Citizen Witch await. Cunning Comrade Witch serve constant vigilant—every today, every passing night of today—until able listen, able witness with sensitive Witch ear, sound of greedy American childrens endeavoring for consume candy domicile.
Typical such selfish American childrens envision all total world planet crafted for solely satisfy own such greedy hungers. United State childrens forever reading silly book. Forever listen with ear, Sony Walkman device. Compulsive for engage video competitions, utilizing Atari machine in endless battles "Pong." Every forever languish such devil childrens, immobile upon luxurious sofas for to view antics of American television Street of Sesame. So wicked, all American citizen such wicked.
Traveling duo, male boy with female girl childrens, firstly approach candy domicile en route along pathway traversing forested, much-dense forested portion of this most-glorious nation state. Experience such vulgar American children no present hunger, yet eager youths commence for gnawing upon bread-of-ginger house. Vapid American tongues, lapping sweetness from fudge chocolate window shutter. Degraded, depraved children tooth masticating for destroy all labor and resources of Citizen Witch for merely digest and render as useless American feces.
Upon discover such United State vermin, crafty Witch announce, "Much welcome." Hospitable Witch bid devil childrens devour until sated. Much admirable Citizen Witch display infinite patient for allow insatiable vile childrens chew, swallow, chew, swallow, macerate sugary charms of clever candy house.
Bid crafty Citizen Witch, invite childrens, say, "Please gluttonous guest childrens..." Say Witch, "Please share limited bounty of global petroleum resources."
Much-wise, much-prudent Comrade Witch bid childrens, please, no longer export such vast degenerate product of American cultural imperialism.
Still, such evil childrens no exhibit shame. No demonstrate remorse. Merely remain greedy ravage as plaguing locusts.
Next now, mighty righteous Witch subdue childrens. Witch execute exact perfect, wham-pow, Zebra Death Kick Maneuver for render childrens no conscious. Victorious, long-suffering Citizen Witch mount for to bugger childrens. Happy most-succeeding Witch bugger, bugger, bugger upon no-conscious rapacious United State childrens. Bugger, bugger, bugger. Now victorious Witch? Mighty Witch champion, hero Witch sever every all blood vessel of American gluttons. Cleave unto pieces, riving apart arm and leg limbs of selfish childrens. Top most-thriving Comrade Witch, Witch teeth consuming alive meat, muscle, spouting blood of slothful Americans. Drenched in much-hot blood of United State oppressor childrens, Citizen Witch shout, screeching loud shout:
Every All Glory to be Accomplished in Honoring Philosophy This Single Correct Homeland State

Case Study: Cloaked Operative
Courageous female Operative at once time undertook mission for to deliver emergency sustenance unto distant famished elderly citizen. Attired in costume of appropriate modesty, Operative adorned own self concealed within cloak with head covering crafted of red-color fabric. Provisioned basket for cartage bread foodstuffs, female Operative embark upon foot, journey to navigate treacherous route amongst plentiful natural resources much densely-planted tree.
Amid most-dense forested journey, encounters Cloaked Operative usurious American representative card of credit company disguised to appear as wolf animal. Apparent wolf make offer unto Operative, promise for to carry burden of consumer debt charging only solely mere 24-percent interest rate. Such crippling interest rate. Such typical nefarious American money-lending institution. Seeming wolf tempt Operative, attempt for excite hooded female using decadent consumer goods, corrupt pleasure of mealtime spent in restaurant, exorbitant-priced sweetened drinks crafted from pulverized beans of coffee bush mixed frothing milk, served within extravagant single-use vessel crafted of paper. United State wolf promise all needs, all desires to be met through utilization of such disastrous card of credit.
Casting aside cloak of red-color fabric, revered Operative execute perfect Killer Kangaroo, kick-sock, for cripple fake wolf. Operative sink own nail of fingers for open all blood veins of wolf so allow all every hot pumping drop jetting red-color wolf blood for exit. Heroic Operative remove wolf head off wolf shoulders, lifting head while showered in hot raining blood of money lender, noble Operative full-volume voice keening, Operative victorious, shouting:
Every All Glory to be Accomplished in Honoring Philosophy This Single Correct Homeland State