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Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel

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Hey, guys. My new books is out. If you liked the novel-esque aspects of Haunted (and my writing), then you will love this book.

A tour-de-force. A harrowing comic masterpiece. A timely novel that transcends the times. An instant American classic. This is what critics are not saying about Bradley Sands' latest magnum opus, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel.

A novel in three parts, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel is the story of one boy detective, the worst ninja in the world, and the great American fast food wars. It is a novel of loss, destruction, and—incredibly—genuine hope.

Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel contains three classic Bradley Sands novellas: "Frankie Nougat and the Case of the Missing Heart," "Cheesequake Smash-Up," and "Apocalypse Ninja."


“Bradley Sands has succeeded where all other novelists have failed: he has written the Great American Novel. Martin Amis came close to beating him to the punch a few years ago, but he accidentally wrote his novel on the wrong body of land and has been crying like a little girl ever since. If you have any compassion in your heart, end Martin Amis’s sorrow with the joy of Sands’s brilliant American prose. But be sure to read Please Do Not Shoot Me In the Face before giving it away forever—Amis has never returned a book in his life.”
—Bradley Sands, author of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

“This is a book for anyone who has ever hated someone. This is a book for anyone who has ever wanted to break into someone’s house while they were sleeping, wrap a book around your fist, and punch that asshole in the throat until they’re dead. This is that kind of book.”
—Bradley Sands, author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You

“In Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face, Bradley Sands uses literary sleight of hand to miraculously create a novel out of three novellas. The novella, “Apocalypse Ninja,” achieves the grand feat of being the stupidest thing ever written. With shuriken-sharp writing, Sands fulfills mankind’s greatest unconscious desire without even pooping his pants.”
—Bradley Sands, author of My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!

The book is available here: