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"Floating Signifiers X", my important literary experimental novel

i woke up from an awful dream why are they awful when youve had a good day basically the dream was about a knife that when you held it you could sort of see the immediate future like if you held the knife and spoke you would say what someone else would be saying in the near future so it would be like this maria would hold the knife and say ouch and then from the next room we'd hear joseph saying OUCH

scary thing was that some kid had the knife at some point and he was creepy looking and as he held it he said WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE and then he stabbed my friend to death and i screamed at him terrified what have you done what have you done and then i woke up but it was still a dream and i was telling people what happened in the dream with the knife and they were interested for a bit but eventually i really woke up and my thoughts were a little confused

the truth is when they meet me people think im a little stupid because i dont say much i dont think i am really and even if i was they might treat me with a bit of respect never mind im a little bit bitter i had a girlfriend who knew i wasnt dumb but she left and it was the first time i felt like everything in my body my bones my brains my heart my marrow everything was going to catch fire and never stop burning it was that painful

the thing is i dont often fall in love and when i do i want to make sure i never have to be out of love essentially that means i have to fight hard to make it work even though i only fall in love with the wrong people cruel people or people who grow bored of me and take off with some other asshole i dont even know whats special about the guy and if her standards are that low then i dont know what i should think about myself

im sure everybodys insecure but i lack just about all aspects of what youd call a confident personality sometimes i even forget my own name but at least i feel lousy on a pretty consistent basis and i like the changelessness if thats a word

i dont really know how to describe her she was beautiful far more beautiful than i ever thought id get to touch and i thought she was kind hearted but i guess thats not exactly the case never mind never mind i just want to get her out of my head you know i saw her the other day at the supermarket she was alone looking at some melons and i didnt say anything and i dont think she saw me

you always expect to see her WITH her new man but often its just her and that makes it hard not to just run up to her and kiss her then punch her in the mouth im not a violent guy but i get these urges sometimes and im not sure how to cope with them they just tend to go away after a while if i dont do anything still i hope one day theyll stop coming because im afraid of what i might do to people

about that dream with the knife i thought about it all day because it was so disturbing and i realised that it always happens like that when i dream something horrible then in the next dream i tell people about it and then when i finally wake up theres nobody there but me and i feel horrified and alone

one night i dreamt i was back with her and it was pretty nice we just lay in bed together and i kissed her skin and smelled her back and licked her neck but instead shes with that asshole it makes me angry sick furious i want to hurt something but im too scared of the consequences i also dreamt that she was pregnant with my child and it was awkward for her to wake up next to her new lover and realise she was carrying another mans child it gave me some delight

another interesting dream was when i was for some reason captured by government forces and placed in a damp disgusting cell from which i tried to escape it was impossible at first but eventually i dont remember how we finally managed to escape and the special forces were chasing after us i had a gun i shot them dead as many as i could the feeling of power was enormous i woke up hard

not to say im a bad person because i try to help others out i am scrupulous and i dont behave vindictively at all most of the time but its hard not to give in to my urges sometimes i dont know where they come from but everyone must have them they make you think about what youre doing and go woah wait a minute am i really feeling these feelings am i really this cruel deep inside

cruel i am not at least no more than other people i am however quite optimistic deep down people dont appal me not at the core of my being anyway whatever that means i believe people are fundamentally good because otherwise i wouldnt be able to survive in this ruthless world id be flattened like a chinese pancake

my hobbies include writing poetry and reading old books and when i can get it i also like sex but thats more rare i guess oh and i like to swim in the ocean i live in palmeida city which is right on the coast so i sometimes go to the docks and jump off and people yell at me thinking im an idiot but the water no matter how dirty it is it is beautiful and feels right around me and i dont care if i drown someday with all that slimy salty blackish blue water all around me sucking me into its throat turning and turning in the widening gyre till theres nothing left of me but my final breaths of air bubbling up to an indifferent surface

you know what i mean though

once upon a time i was walking through the supermarket the very same where i saw youknowwho but this was much longer ago than that and i stumbled over something i cant remember what it was probably a can of beans or something and i landed on my head and blanked out for a bit people just walked right over me and ignored me completely as if i wasnt there as if i was a puddle or a dead rat until one of the girls working there came over and helped me out eventually i woke up but for a while i had no idea who i was but it wasnt amnesia it was just whatstheword it was like the blow to my head had cleaned me out a little bit and it took some time for the world to fill me with all sorts of junk again does that make any sense

the thing about having a clean empy head is that its like a black hole and it keeps sucking things in until nothing else fits thats why people stop learning after a while i think anyway it was lovely to have my head cleaned out even though there was a bit of blood and i had to stay in bed for a whole day afterwards it wasnt too bad i watched movies and read a book called the confessions of saint augustine which was interesting because he loved and hated sex which is somewhat my problem at the moment

the truth is i visited a prostitute last night i was lonely she was sweet but i felt incredibly guilty as though id killed someone it was only sex for christsake but giving her the money was the worst thing in the world i couldve done or so it seemed it was like id given her my genitals too

the very worst thing about sex with someone you dont love is that you dont have any control over the way they feel well maybe thats the case even with those you love but at least then you have the illusion of safety whereas with a stranger you know its just about your seed being wasted in a plastic bag instead of on your hand masturbation bores me i assume it bores everyone why do people even do it why do i even do it never mind so i asked this hooker her name and she said which do you prefer crystal or candy and i said no i mean you real name and she said thats not important and i said yes it is because i want to know you a little bit before we do this and she just looked at me like i was a sad puppy and said my name is sarah and i said thats better hello sarah ive never done this before do i pay you before or after and she said before and i gave her my money but as i said it felt like id handed over my entire package so that when i was inside her i couldnt feel anything at all it was just a bundle of nerves so the whole thing was a little disappointing