Caddy Shit

The dew on the grass was glistening and the sun was shining above. The birds were chirping and the grass smelled freshly cut. I arrived at the caddy shack just as the sun came up. It was the Sixty Fourth Annual Club Championship and there was a buzz in the air. The members were excited and the caddies were also.
Normally the caddies would arrive just before dawn then check in with Levy. After checking in, you’d have anywhere from one hour to three four hours to wait. It depended on three things. First and most importantly it depended on seniority. Secondly it depended on how often you worked. And thirdly it depended on showing up early. Now keep in mind that if Levy didn’t like you then all the rules went out the door.
After showing up and getting checked in, people would play cards, video games, basketball or watch television. When you got your ticket you’d head to the bag room and find your members’ bags. Then you’d take the bags to the first tee and wait for your golfers.
On a normal day each caddy, excluding the young kids, would double bag it. That meant carrying two bags for two golfers. If you really wanted to make some money you could double bag it for thirty six holes. But after that I don’t think you’d be good for much.
Part of the reason we were so excited about the Club Championship was because we only had to caddy for one golfer. And if you had a reputation, golfers could request you to caddy for them. So besides only having to carry one bag, you could only have to carry one bag for a scratch golfer. You hoped that a shitty golfer didn’t request you.
After the tickets were assigned all the caddies found their member’s clubs and headed to the tee. I was caddying for Mr. Christiansen. Mr. Christiansen’s father was a very well off doctor and Mr. Christiansen was the same. You can usually tell how good a golfer is by their clubs. Then again sometimes the worst golfers have the best clubs. By the look of Mr. Christiansen’s clubs, he looked like an average golfer.
The first nine holes went by smoothly and everything was going good. Mr. Christiansen was just as I suspected. He was an average golfer and not too bad of a guy. After the first nine holes the club provided the caddies with a free lunch. We each got a submarine sandwich-turkey or roast beef. Then we continued the round.
Normally you didn’t want to eat or drink too much while you were caddying. Your only time to use the restrooms was in between nines. (Unless you pissed in the woods.) This day was different though, it was a special occasion and none of the caddies wanted to pass up a free meal.
After I ate my sandwich the round continued. I think there was something like five holes left when it hit me. It hit me real hard and all of a sudden. I thought about giving the clubs to the member and telling him the situation, but I didn’t think that would fly. We were kind of getting paid to be like mules. I continued caddying and tried not to make any sudden movements.
A couple holes later, I couldn’t make it any farther. We were all around the green and one member was chipping up. I walked to the back side of the green and left the clubs near the next hole. It started coming out and it got to the point where I had to just let it go. It was one solid log and it fell out of my ass and down my pant leg. When it hit my boot I shook my pant leg and it fell out onto the grass. For a moment I thought about blaming it on a dog or one of the young caddies. A wild dog ran through the fence shit right next to me, then ran back through the fence. But the shit was too big to be a dogs’ or a little kids.
The members finished the hole and started walking to the next hole. I tried to block the view of it as they walked by. As long as we got away from it, they couldn’t trace it to me. I smelled like shit.
The next hole we were walking down the fairway and I saw Levy coming by. I waved him down and he drove over.
“What’s a matter?”
“I don’t know I think I have to throw up.”
“Get in. I’ll drive you back and call me in the morning if you feel better.”
“Okay.”
He dropped me off at the caddy shack and I waited for him to leave. Once he left I changed clothes and threw away my shit clothes. Then I drove home and never came back.